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Paul Nuttall resigns to relaunch astronaut career

The Editor
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Paul Nuttall resigns to relaunch astronaut career

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has resigned to concentrate on being an astronaut.

He stepped down today after his party’s share of the vote was wiped out across Britain.

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But the rocket scientist and Nobel Peace Prize winner insisted he could now concentrate on his out-of-this world role as an astronaut.

He began flying space ships after injury forced him to retire early from his glittering professional football career.

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Speaking outside the gates of his rural estate, which he opens for disadvantaged families to live in for free, Mr Nuttall, 27, explained his decision.

“I’m delighted to have led UKIP to its second highest ever number of seats in Parliament after this general election.

“The time is right to leave the Party so we can concentrate on my astronaut business.”

Our psychic dog picks UK general election winner

The Editor
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Our psychic dog picks UK general election winner

The Suffolk Gazette’s very own Psychic Dog has carefully selected the winner of the UK general election.

Our chocolate labrador was asked to pick the coloured sock which represented a winner from the main political parties.

And before any readers cry foul and point out that dogs are colour blind, we put each sock next to a photograph of the party leader so the clever pooch would recognise it.

The only possible hitch with our completely scientific experiment was the lack of a SNP sock, so we used a tartan cumerband instead.

Initially the dog, which correctly chose the last general election result by selecting the Green Party (surely some mistake? Ed), headed for one woolen garment but seemed to have second thoughts.

Thankfully, another hound was on hand to offer support, and this time the lab made a beeline for the winning party.

You’ll have to watch the video below for the result. We think Psychic Dog will be on the television election specials with this sort of political analysis.

A political commentator said: “The pollsters are all over the place trying to predict this general election result. Thank God we have the Suffolk Gazette’s Psychic Dog to tell us what is going to happen.”

Crime sensation: Anita Bush may have been murdered

The Editor
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Crime sensation: Anita Bush may have been murdered

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The funeral and cremation of Suffolk Gazette gardening writer Anita Bush was sensationally postponed yesterday under suspicions that she may have been murdered.

A post-mortem examination revealed that as well as copious amounts of gin in her system there were traces of Weedol.

And police were astonished to discover whip marks across her backside which cannot be explained.

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Her husband Norbert, 69, told officer he thought the marks were from where she recently fell into a blackberry bush.

Our crime correspondent Hugh Dunnett has had sight of a statement made by a neighbour after Ms Bush was found, believed drowned in the water feature in her garden last week.

Police will be interviewing other neighbors from Stowmarket, Suffolk, friends and relatives and certain Suffolk Gazette readers who had been trolling Ms Bush and making rude jokes about her.

The secret statement was from villager Jennifer Wiggins. It said: “I heard shouting the night before her body was found. I believe Ms Bush was singing Roll Out The Barrel and a man was shouting at her to ‘shut the feck up’.

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“People thought Ms Bush was a sweet old gardener but there was another side to her. I once saw her unload some common B & Q lobelias from her Nissan Micra. I told her I was expecting a delivery of more exotic plants from Sarah Raven and she sneered at me.

“A few days later all my posh plants were dead. I know this sounds like a motive for me to kill her but there are dozens of other suspects who wanted rid of her. There were rumours of her husband going out late at night. There are whispers that he is to be questioned.”

A spokesman for Suffolk Constabulary said: “We don’t know how you got this statement but we cannot comment. Our inquiries are continuing and if anyone has any information they should contact us.”

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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

The Editor
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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

Not Katie Hopkins

I wish I had stood in this election for the Katie Hopkins Party as I know I would have swept the board with my common sense and popular views.

Instead of taxing the rich, my manifesto would simply increase tax for anyone with a foreign name, including Irish, Scottish, Welsh and anything I can’t pronounce.

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Many of you will know my view of fat people with their lack of discipline, stuffing themselves with junk food and foreign muck.

I would have brought in a law to put a set of weighing scales at every food bank. Anyone with an abnormal Body Mass Index would have to leave.

And why are they called food “banks”?

These people are so thick they don’t know how a bank works. It goes like this. On pay day, your money goes in the “bank”. And when you are a bit skint you go and draw some out.

Now food “banks” don’t work like that. The low-lifes who use them should pay in (deposit) on benefits day. Say a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti, some tuna, a tin of Spam and some Ambrosia custard.
Then as the week goes on and they are short of money, they could draw one or all of the tins out.

Can you imagine me going to my bank, Coutts, and asking for some money I hadn’t paid in?

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Anyway, I will just have to work on my manifesto for the next General Election, which will probably be in four years, or six months if Diane Abbott is doing the calculations.

I’m sorry you won’t all have a fascist candidate in your area. By next week we will know what we are in for. I will be giving the winning side the benefit of my advice on social care, immigration and the health service and of course will be keeping you all informed on the paper of record, the Suffolk Gazette. Happy voting!

Katie x

Editor’s note: This column is not written by Katie Hopkins, even though she is apparently looking for a new newspaper column

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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

The Editor
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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

Fried chicken and cocaine
EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A fast-food restaurant has been accused of lacing its fried chicken with small traces of cocaine to make it more appealing.

The takeaway in Ipswich was investigated after a former worker with a grudge tipped off police.

They raided the kitchen and found a quantity of cocaine on a shelf, which was being added to the flour mix before the chicken pieces went in the deep fryer.

Fried chicken laced with cocaineHigh tea: pieces of fried chicken laced with cocaine
The owner of the late-night takeaway, who has not been named, admitted what he had done to cops, claiming no one had been put at risk.

But he insisted the Class A drug made his fried chicken more enjoyable, and left customers wanting more. Some even came back to eat twice in one evening.

Some employers regularly test employees for cocaine use.  This article explains how long cocaine stays in the system.

The shop owner told police: “Customers couldn’t get enough of my chicken. They did not understand why they were experiencing a high while eating it.

“I did not have to put much cocaine in the batter mix, so the benefits of selling more chicken outweighed the cost of the drug.”

The outlet has now been closed, and the owner is set to appear before Ipswich Magistrates within weeks.

Officers believe the drug had been used for nearly four months, and that as many as a thousand customers in Ipswich, some children, had unwittingly taken cocaine and may never know.

Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

The Editor
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Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

Grandparents across Britain will be forced to look after their grandchildren every weekend for free – or face a £3,000 fine, it has emerged.

Theresa May will push through the draconian new law if the Conservatives win next week’s general election.

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But while mums and dads will welcome the news, grandparents are furious that they will be taken advantage of.

Bury St Edmunds pensioners Jeremy Lyall, 78 and his wife Tate, 77, currently look after grandchildren Archie, aged two, and Esther, just seven months, around two weekends every month.

Grandparents babysitUpset: The Lyalls with Esther and Archie

“Why should we be forced to do more?” said Mr Lyall, a retired pilot. “This is slave labour – we don’t get paid to look after the little sods, so while it’s nice to see them once in a while, being stuck with them every weekend is not on. We have a life, too.

“And to be fined if we refuse is simply ridiculous. It’s like living in a police state.”

But parents Thomas and Charleen Lyall, both aged 35, said the new law was an excellent idea, and denied it was just a brash attempt by Mrs May to win more middle class votes.

Thomas said: “We need a break from the kids at weekends so we can go to the farmers market, go to the pub and to the cinema. If grandparents refuse to take the kids for free then of course they should be fined.”

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Mrs May confirmed the plan in a brief interview with the Suffolk Gazette while she toured an agriculture machinery factory in Beccles.

She said: “I am very clear that what this country needs is a strong and stable family group, and to enter negotiations about babysitting with a firm and decisive strategy.

“That is the clear choice we face: strong and stable babysitting under the Conservatives, or a coalition of weekend chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn.”

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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

The Editor
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My CakeWatchers super smoothies to soothe your tum

CakeWatchers
Did you know smoothies started out as liquidised food for invalids who had trouble chewing or digesting their grub? Now every lazy bastard who can’t be asked to use cutlery is at it.

Atkins Protein shakes, and that SLIMFART stuff. And the hipsters who swish up green gunk from kale and spinach and spirulina, a foul-tasting fluorescent blue-green algae from the sea. It’s a wonder they don’t glow in the dark…and you don’t want to get downwind from them.

SlimfartSlimfart: a load of hot air
Now here at CakeWatchers, our team of experts have devised some more tantalising smoothies, with our simple LARDpoints to keep you on track.

* THE TROPICAL: Put a tin of pineapple in the blender, add a scoop of Banana Nesquick and tip in half a bottle of Malibu and a couple of shots of rum. Shettle yourshelf in a deckchair and shtick shame shun lotion on. Cheers! (37 LARDpoints)

* THE CHOC-A-BLOCK: Put some full fat milk in the blender with a dollop of clotted cream. Add a packet of chocolate buttons, six Oreo Cookies, two Crunchie Bars, two Cadbury’s Flakes and a large swoosh of Baileys. (83 LARDpoints)

* THE FULL ENGLISH: Fry two eggs, three sausages, some black pudding, four hash browns and mushrooms. Put the lot in a blender with a tin of beans, some tomatoes and a pot of tea with milk and three sugars. Great if you’re in a hurry. (90 LARDpoints)

* THE IPSWICH TOWN: Shove a Portman football pie or two in the blender with a bag of chips a blue-icing Krispy Kreme Donut and a pint of Adnams (do it on “pulse action” or the beer will fizz all over the worktop.) A great post-match snack. (75 LARDpoints).

Until next time,
Fatima.

Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

The Editor
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Gardening writer Anita Bush found drowned at home

By The Editor

It is my sad duty to confirm that the esteemed Suffolk Gazette gardening correspondent, Anita Bush has been found drowned in a water feature at her home.

Ms Bush, whose In My Lady Garden column featured in this newspaper for 36 years, built a global fan base and counted Her Majesty The Queen as one of her loyal readers.

She was a hugely influential horticulture expert, and wrote her Suffolk Gazette column until late last year when it became clear that her lifetime love of alcohol was getting the better of her.

The last time she was seen in public was at the Suffolk Gazette Christmas party, where she got rather drunk and tried to get off with our Thought For The Day writer, The Rev Evan Elpuss.

Police called to investigate her tragic death on Tuesday found her face down in a mini waterfall feature in her beloved garden near Stowmarket. Her skirt was around her ankles and officers believe she tripped over it before hitting her head on the fountain and drowning.

An empty bottle of gin was laying next to her body.

Ms Bush, 69, leaves a husband, Norbert, many close gentlemen friends and her glorious two-acre garden, which may now be opened to the public because Mr Bush needs the money.

He has already placed a memorial bench in the garden for his late wife, together with a poignant plaque, which reads: “In loving memory of Anita Bush… and all those who kept her in trim”.

The Anita Bush memorial bench

Anita Bush plaqueLoving memory: The plaque on the Anita Bush memorial bench

The funeral will be held next Wednesday at Stowmarket crematorium. The family have asked for no flowers – they have grown fed up with them because it’s all Anita ever talked about. Instead, they have asked that donations be sent to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

Most of Ms Bush’s finest columns were famously educational and rude, given that whenever she was asked about double entendres, her reply was always, with a wink: “I’ll give you one.”

Headlines included I took a photo of my neighbour’s cock, My crack is getting very big, I’m so sad about my small pear, and Water those herbs and find thyme for a right good stuffing.

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