Wednesday, June 19, 2024

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Pub offers free ale to OAP’s

Pub offers free ale to OAP’s
Pub offers free ale to OAP’s

Boozy old-aged pensioners in Southwold, Suffolk have never had it so good thanks to a kindly landlord who has offered to provide FREE ALE to geriatric patrons of his Wickstead Arms community public house.

Fat publican, Gerrard Twattlesbrick, a former snake oil salesman and used car dealer from Barnsley, South Yorkshire, came up with the idea when he noticed how many OAPs passed his pub on a Thursday morning on their way to the post office to collect their pension money.

As we stood on the doorstep of his ‘free’ house, Twattlesbrick, ‘twat’ to his mates, told this reporter “Now, I don’t want people to think I’m a saint or anything – I’m not – but I am a community-spirited man. I’m trustworthy. Anyone around ‘ere will tell you that.”

“He’s not.” mumbled a frail old gent in a black suit riding past on a mobility scooter.

“Ignore him. He’s just a local troublemaker.” Sneered the publican.

“I’m not. I’m the vicar.” Said the old fella, pointing to his dog collar.

“Anyway, like I said, I’m not a saint, I’m not claiminng that, but I do want to do the right thing by the old folk ‘round ‘ere. Times are hard right now, but I want them to know they can trust old Gerrard to look after them, so long as they come into my pub on the way back from the post office. On pension day.”

I asked the portly purveyor of ales, wines and spirits how much free ale he had given away since his charitable gesture. “Well… free ale, did you say? Well, so far… let me think… hang on… erm? Well, I would say… in total… none.”


“Well you see, its not their fault, bless ‘em, but the old folk around ‘ere they are not that bright and a lot of them are blind or deaf too. Look…” At this, Twattlesbrick pointed to the chalk sign positioned outside on the street. “It says very clearly, down there at the bottom, under the big FREE bit, they only get the ale if they come in with their grandparents! I wrote it like that because we are a community pub, and I wanted all the family to come along so that on-one gest left out, stuck at ‘ome in the cold. Our pub is nice and warm.”

I decided to go inside the pub to experience said warmth and to buy a drink. I noticed there was a special lane leading to the bar, busy with older customers, with a sign above it reading “Over 70’s queue here for FREE ALE. Please have your wallets and purses out ready. Thank you, Gerrard.”

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