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Porkrun craze keeps UK pigs fit

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Porkrun
When farmer Clare Phillips decided her pigs needed to be fitter, she hit upon a weekly exercise routine that has now taken off throughout Britain and even abroad.

Clare now manages a network of hundreds of five-kilometre piggy jogs every Saturday morning, called Porkrun.

Every pig’s time over the 5k park courses are recorded and published to a website so its progress can be monitored.

“It’s a great way to get them out in the open air and enjoying some healthy exercise once a week. I had no idea Porkrun would become popular so quickly – now it seems every town and city is staging their own Porkruns.

“They are free to take part in – just turn up with your piggies, register them at the start line, and watch them go.

“They seem to really enjoy it, and they are getting fitter by the week.”

Pork life

Clare keeps about 500 pigs at her farm near Mildenhall, and has seen them make superior prices at market thanks to their improved condition.

“There’s a lot more meat on them,” she said. “And, of course, they are much happier during their lives thanks to the Porkrun.”

Porkrun is open to all ages, from piglet to veteran sow.

But while it is proving popular with the pigs, Porkruns are concerning local councils because so many animals are running around parks at the same time on a Saturday morning.

An insider at Ipswich Borough Council’s parks department said: “We have considered charging runners taking part in the Porkrun, but this was met with snorts of protest.”

Ipswich vets are keeping an eye on the animals’ welfare.

Yummy mummies want more Woodbridge coffee shops

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Yummy mummies in Woodbridge

Yummy mummies in Woodbridge have agreed that the town really needs some more independent coffee shops.

The delightfully turned out ladies like nothing more than to pass the time of day sipping Austrian goat milk double-half-caf-half-decaf-soy milk cappuccino – extra hot – with a dash of Madagascar cinnamon-and half tablespoon of caramel-latte-frappa-mochas.

And between discussions about important matters of the day, like the new Range Rover colour scheme or the cost of private school fees, they note Woodbridge only has 47 coffee shops to choose from and they really would like some more.

Charlotte de Brunne, 37, who takes her little princess Aurielle, two, to a number of Woodbridge coffee shops every day, said: “Who needs to buy clothes in a town like Woodbridge? We always go to London for our outfits. Much better to use the retail space for more coffee shops.”

Businessman Mikey Smith hopes to open a coffee shop in Woodbridge soon.

He said: “I’ll admit there are quite a lot of coffee shops in Woodbridge already, but the demand from the town’s yummy mummies is huge. They have more money than sense and will pay astronomical sums for shit coffee and dry cake.

“Soon the town’s elderly people will have nowhere left to shop for their essentials – unless they like buying coffee.”

He said admitted it might be easier to drink coffee at home, especially if their kids bought them Mother’s Day mugs.

Brexit shock: EU demands Britain takes Belgium, gives up Suffolk

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Boring Belgium countryside
Brexit negotiations took an unexpected turn today when the EU demanded that Britain hands over Suffolk to Europe in a swap deal for Belgium.

But Theresa May and her Brexit team insist the last thing Britain wants is Belgium (pictured above)– and they certainly have no intention of handing over Suffolk, its jewel on the east coast.

EU diplomats know just how shit Belgium is because Brussels is where the European Parliament is based.

In a clever tactic, they reasoned they could get shot of the flat, featureless country because the UK Government is desperate to leave the EU on the cheap.

EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “I come from Luxembourg and it’s annoying having Belgium next door. It’s bad enough being sandwiched between Germany and France.

“Belgium should go to Britain and we’ll have Suffolk and its fine Adnams beer instead.”

David Davis, who is leading Britain’s Brexit discussions, refused to even think about the Belgium offer.

“It’s a non starter. The country is good for chocolate but only famous for inventing the Tintin comic character. Belgium is now more tinpot than Tintin.”

The Belgium-Suffolk swap deal impasse may now hold up the entire Brexit process, sending worldwide markets into a downward spiral from which they may never recover.

Belgium is so boring that even its own population is unimpressed.

Jeremy Clarkson once did a documentary on the country, and wandered the streets asking the locals whether they were glad to be born Belgian.

Belgium

He was surprised when after interviewing many people, he found just one guy who was happy being Belgian. Even a man dressed as a penguin for no apparent reason said he preferred his status as a penguin to that of being Belgian.

Residents of Suffolk, on the other hand, adore their county, and have only one complaint – that it is next door to Norfolk.

Resident Alan Tasker said: “We do not want to be moved to the EU. We’d much rather stay where we are as East Anglia’s leading county.”

With smartphones comes photographic nostalgia

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Woman taking photo

The revival of the print image has reared its head in the last couple of years, with Polaroid cameras gaining popularity and photo booths popping up. There has also been a surge in popularity of online photo printing, but with many sites out there offering the service, it can be difficult to know where to start! We would advise checking out a review such as this Shutterfly one before you commit, to make sure you know exactly what you are getting before you press print!

From the dawn of time people have been as fixated with capturing beauty as they have been with beauty itself, which explains the evolution from portraits to the development of newer and more precise photographing technology up for review. Photography first came to be as a means to recreate the world through imagery in the 5th Century BC, with the Chinese describing what is known as a “pinhole camera,” whereby an upside-down image was reflected from a pinhole in an opposite-facing wall. However, photographic technology only began to make strides once Iraqi scientist, Alhazen developed what is called the camera obscura six centuries later. This device projected images onto other surfaces, also upside down, allowing for artists to trace the image and create accurate drawings.

Man takes photograph

Fast-forward to the late 1830s, and modern-day photography was born when Joseph Nicéphore Niépce used a portable camera obscura to expose a pewter plate coated with bitumen to light. The result was a recorded, unfading image – the first ever of its kind. Within the next 200 years, the camera was transformed from a contraption that produced blurry photos to the high-tech mini computers that yield ultra-realistic representations of reality. Photography was held up to high professional esteem until George Eastman facilitated the photo-taking process by creating a flexible roll film. This new, affordable method of photography, together with its innovative mechanical design, allowed the possession of a personal camera to be more widespread.

Over a hundred years later, the first digital camera was built by Steven Sasson, an engineer at Eastman Kodak, using a charge-coupled device image sensor. Then, with the turn of the millennium came another milestone in photography – the camera phone. As the phone-camera combination hit the market in Japan and later the US in the early 2000s, some were skeptical of its possible success, with suggests emerging that the product would be a flop. Yet, nearly two decades later and the idea of a phone without a camera is daunting for most. Consumers are drawn to the idea of having one compact, multi-use device, especially once which offers faster connection with the internet – key in the generation of social media.

Yet, interestingly, as instant snaps increase in popularity, print photos are also making a comeback. The countermovement finds ground in the joy of holding a physical memoire in hand, with a photo being produced within seconds of snapping the shot. Another thing is the rarity of print photos nowadays makes them a point of interest.

Theresa May to address Latitude festival audience

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Theresa May speaks at Latitude

Not to be outdone by Jeremy Corbyn’s successful appearance at Glastonbury, Theresa May is to address crowds at the achingly middle-class Latitude festival in Suffolk.

The Prime Minister will be assured of a warm reception at the event for posh festival-goers, which is close to the exclusive well-heeled resorts of Southwold and Aldeburgh.

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Mr Corbyn was given a hero’s welcome when he appeared on the famous Pyramid stage at Glastonbury – whereas Mrs May would have been booed off by the young, Labour-supporting crowd.

She’ll have no such problems at Henham Park where she will take the main stage on Saturday, July 15 to introduce Mumford and Sons.

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Cassius Clail, a spokesman at Downing Street said: “Theresa was a little miffed when Corbyn was given the red carpet treatment at Glastonbury. Even Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell is speaking there later.

“But she will be among thousands of Tory voters when she goes to Latitude, a music festival where ‘glamping’ involves five star stays without a Labour supporter in sight. It’s true blue territory.”

Mrs May is expected to regale her adoring audience with hilarious tales of running through wheat fields, just like those found throughout Suffolk.

With only a month to go, the 12th edition of Latitude Festival sets the bar high with a host of names across the stages including the BBC Music Introducing Stage, The SpeakEasy, Music and Film, Solas and more. Latitude Festival takes place on 13th – 16th July in the stunning grounds of Henham Park.

An estimated 40,000 Conservative voters will witness Brit Award winners The 1975 perform tracks from I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It for the last time, as well as a Fleet Foxes returning after five years. Also playing is Saturday night headliners Mumford & Sons who bring with them their Gentlemen Of The Road takeover.

They’re joined by a line up brimming with huge names and exclusives across all stages, combined over 40 Top Ten albums, from the legendary Placebo to returning indie rockers The Horrors; from Scandi indie-pop darlings The Radio Dept. to the former Velvet Underground’s John Cale; from the iconic Mavis Staples to the all-out party that will be Fatboy Slim on the BBC Music Stage.

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Alligator stalks Ipswich Golf Club

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Ipswich Golf Club alligator

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Golfers have been warned to beware of a four-foot alligator that has set up home at a Suffolk course.

The reptile has been spotted several times at Ipswich Golf Club in recent weeks and has now been photographed (above) by member Graham Perkins.

Experts have been called in to catch the alligator, which has not shown any aggression towards players so far, but have yet to find it.

It is believed to have made its den in the water that makes the par-three, 135-yard 15th hole such a challenge.

Suffolk Police have also been informed as it is believed the reptile was an unlicensed pet that was released into the wild after growing too large for its home.

Alligators are a common sight on golf courses in Florida, but none have ever been seen in the United Kingdom before now.

Ipswich Golf Club was established in 1895 and its website lists wildlife as an important feature of course management.

But there is no mention of a killer alligator lurking in the waters of the 15th hole.

A club insider said: “Some of the members think the course should be shut until the alligator is caught – but they are harmless unless approached.

“It certainly makes the 15th hole a slightly trickier challenge.”

Graham Perkins told the Suffolk Gazette: “I had just played my tee shot on the 15th and got my ball to land on the green, seven feet from the hole.

“I was admiring it with my playing partner, Steve, when we saw the alligator climb out of the water and wander on to the green without a care in the world.

“It wasn’t after my ball but seemed content to just laze about in the sun. We watched for ten minutes – at a safe distance – and I took the picture before it clambered back to the water.

“There is lots of other water around the estate, so it may be the reptile does not live on the 15th, but elsewhere.”

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Blofeld retires from cricket commentary to concentrate on being James Bond villain

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Blofeld retires

Henry Blofeld has revealed he is retiring from cricket commentary to concentrate on being a James Bond supervillain.

The broadcasting legend says it has become increasingly difficult to juggle his two careers, and one has to go.

Blofeld said: “One minute I am describing eloquently how Joe Root has dispatched a loose offside ball for four – the next I have to deal with a British agent trying to blow up my global crime syndicate headquarters.

“I’m 77 years old now, and there’s a danger I could mix up the two jobs. Imagine the outcry if I began waffling on about James Bond’s batting average – or if I had Jonny Bairstow fed to a pool of sharks at SPECTRE HQ for disobeying my orders.

“To be honest it’s getting harder to differentiate stroking the ball through the covers, and stroking the white cat on my lap.”

Blofeld has been a mainstay of BBC Test Match Special for 45 years, becoming a national treasure for his whimsy commentary.

He was awarded the OBE in 2003 for services to broadcasting – an honour that was withdrawn once his alter-ego as a James Bond villain had been revealed.

Blofeld retires

Blofeld will commentate on his latest Test Match in September.

“You haven’t heard my final ‘My Dear Old Thing’ quite yet. Happily, I shall be commentating next month on the first two Tests against South Africa, and then for the last one of the summer against the West Indies at Lord’s.

“I leave, supremely confident that TMS is in the safest of hands, led by the ageless Aggers (Jonathan Agnew). In the end, I think he will come to be seen as the best of the lot.”

His famous commentary quotes include memorable lines such as: “It’s a catch he would have caught 99 times times out of 1,000,” or: “If the tension here was a block of Cheddar cheese, you could cut it with a knife.”

Police find $10 million cash in Nigerian widow’s spare room

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Nigerian widow had millions in dollars
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Nigerian police who found $10 million cash in a widow’s spare bedroom said she had been trying to give it away for years.

Mary Abacha, 42, claimed she had been offering the money to Brits since 2011, but “none of the buggers” had replied to her emails.

She told stunned cops her late husband had amassed the fortune while working as a lawyer in the country’s capital, Abuja,

“It was all perfectly legal, but I just wanted to put it in a bank in Britain where it would be safe. I emailed lots of people I found on the internet who I thought could be trusted to take the money and deposit it.

“As a reward for their kindness, they would get $1 million to keep.

“But imagine my surprise when none of the buggers even bothered to reply. I mean, who wouldn’t want a free million?”

Police say Mrs Abacha, whose husband died in an unfortunate car accident, had done nothing wrong, and they had now persuaded her to deposit the $10 million into a local finance establishment instead.

Inspector Adeleye Iyabo told Reuters news agency: “There must be many thousands of people in the UK kicking themselves right now. If they had only replied to Mrs Abacha’s email, they would be wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

“I would advise anyone receiving such a kind offer to take it up. What have you got to lose?”

Suffolk builder Henry Dodds, 37, who was one of many to receive one of Mrs Abacha’s emails, was devastated when we told him how he had missed out. “It just looked a little odd when I received the email,” he said. “Serves me right for being so untrustworthy.”