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Robbie Williams is first celebrity death of 2017

The Editor
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Robbie Williams is first celebrity death of 2017

Robbie Williams hand gel

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are investigating after Robbie Williams got 2017 off to the worst possible start by murdering all of his songs before dying on stage.

The former Take That showman tried to take no chances with his health by using sanitiser gel after shaking hands with a number of plebs in the audience.

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But he then went on to destroy his back catalogue in a “special” live BBC performance, Robbie Rocks Big Ben – ensuring he became the first celebrity victim of 2017.

A spokesman for Scotland Yard said: “We are investigating the mass murder of some songs at the Westminster Central Hall early this morning.

“A 42-year-old man from Stoke is helping us with our enquiries.”

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A Suffolk fan wailed on Facebook: “I can’t believe he has gone. 2017 can do one already; it’s the worst year ever. Robbie really is with the Angels now.”

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Revealed: Not all famous people died in 2016

The Editor
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Revealed: Not all famous people died in 2016

Dead in 2016

Some famous people did not die in 2016, it has been confirmed.

Facebook users will be comforted to know that some celebrities actually died in 2015, and many more passed in the years before that.

And a further heartwarming development reveals some well-known people are still alive and showing no signs of dying whatsoever.

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Everyone on Facebook seems convinced that 2016 should “do one” because it had killed off all the world’s most-cherished performers, some of whom they had never really liked or even heard of.

But Dr Ernest Brewer, professor of sociology at Little Brimmer University in Suffolk insisted: “This is all just a load of bollocks. As we get older, the so-called celebrities we know have got older as well and, not surprisingly, they are starting to die.

“Furthermore, if people take a lot of drugs or drink too much alcohol, they are likely to die a little earlier than expected anyway.”

Not all Facebook users are convinced, however. Chandice Bloomer, 23, from Ipswich, wailed: “Everyone is dead. There are no famous people left – even Elvis Presley died this year. The Grim Reaper has got too damned grim. Everyone is with the angels now. RIP.”

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Prince Harry’s naked romp in Aldeburgh hotel

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Prince Harry’s naked romp in Aldeburgh hotel

Prince Harry naked
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Prince Harry has been sensationally photographed cavorting naked during a raunchy hotel party in downtown Aldeburgh.

He was visiting the party capital of Suffolk to let his hair down between stuffy Christmas and New Year celebrations with the Queen and Royal Family in Sandringham, Norfolk.

But Harry’s innocent fun turned increasingly wild before ending with a rowdy game of strip shove ha’penny with fun-loving locals in his hotel suite.

The Suffolk Gazette has been offered photographs of the Royal crown jewels but has declined to publish them in case it got sued out of deep respect for the Royal Family.

Prince Harry, who has previously holidayed in Las Vegas, decided this year to party in Aldeburgh, the Suffolk resort where anything goes. Thrill-seeking visitors are normally assured: “What happens in Aldeburgh, stays in Aldeburgh” – but the Queen’s grandson must have known he would be an exception.

He enjoyed a 12-hour bender at the plush hotel, beginning with a six-hour party in the outdoor pool with friends and random other guests. He quaffed endless pints of Adnams, the local cocktail, and frolicked in the water with local lovelies as traditional Suffolk morris dancers entertained guests poolside.

Then the tipsy group of 20 continued the party in the hotel bar before moving to the Prince’s VIP suite. There a pal suggested they play strip shove ha’penny, which is when Harry ended up nude together with two local fishermen’s wives, aged in their early 60s.

Shove ha'pennyThe shove ha’penny board in Harry’s suite
Photographs in the VIP suite were taken by a Norfolk smallholder, a Mr Bubba Spuckler, who was visiting Aldeburgh for a few days with his sister and their eight children.

Mr Spuckler is believed to have made hundreds of thousands of pounds from selling the photographs of the naked Harry in his Aldeburgh hotel to tabloid newspapers around the world.

A Buckingham Palace insider said: “This is not the first time Prince Harry has let his heir down. But Prince Charles has forgiven him.”

Mick McCarthy claims dog ate his tactics book

The Editor
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Mick McCarthy claims dog ate his tactics book

Mick McCarthy's dog chewed up his tactics book

Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy claims his dog has chewed up his tactics book.

The under-pressure boss says this is a genuine excuse for being unable to finish recent match preparations.

He told Ipswich owner Marcus Evans that he had drawn up a brilliant plan to beat Fulham on Boxing Day, but pesky Keano, his faithful Rottweiler, tore it up when he left it by the sofa.

McCarthy claimed this was the 35th time Keano had destroyed his tactics book this year, and admitted he really should do something about it.

A pal of the belligerent Yorkshireman said: “Mick had drawn up a master plan for the Fulham game.

“He can’t quite remember what it was because the dog chewed it up, but he recalls it had something to do with playing McGoldrick behind a front two of Pitman and Sears, dropping full-backs Knudsen and Chambers in favour of young guns Kenlock and Emmanuel, and banishing Jonathan Douglas from midfield for ever by playing Lawrence and Dozzell with Skuse sitting deep to protect the back four.

“However, without his tactics book he was unable to hand this work over to the squad. Instead they reverted to type and produced an utterly predictable Boxing Day performance in which they failed to muster even one shot on target all game.”

McCarthy hopes that now the truth is out about naughty Keano, fans will understand why things have been going wrong, and get off his back.

But Evans is not convinced. A club insider said: “Marcus may have been distracted over Christmas by some unappetising Brazil nuts, but he is no fool. He can see McCarthy has made up this dog story.

“If things don’t improve in Friday night’s home game against Bristol City, then McCarthy may find he is the one in the dog house… looking for a new job.”

Nurse burns patient after mishearing ‘prick his boil’ instruction

The Editor
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Nurse burns patient after mishearing ‘prick his boil’ instruction

Prick his boil

A patient is taking legal action against his doctors’ surgery after a painful misunderstanding left him permanently scarred.

Chris Jones, 43, from Haverhill in Suffolk, had gone to see his doctor about a painful lump on his left buttock.

The doctor told Mr Jones to drop his trousers, examined the throbbing red lump, and then asked his nursing assistant nurse to “prick his boil”.

Unfortunately, the nurse misheard the instruction and carried out a very different procedure, with agonising consequences.

Mr Jones was unable to walk for two weeks and has only recently started getting feeling back in his private parts.

He posed for the picture above, but declined to speak to the Suffolk Gazette. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the doctors’ surgery confirmed: “We have received a complaint after a patient was scalded. The matter is in the hands of our lawyers.”

Suffolk Liberation Front stages Christmas ceasefire

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front stages Christmas ceasefire

SLF Christmas ceasefire
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Suffolk Liberation Front has announced a Christmas ceasefire of hostilities with Norfolk, beginning at noon on Christmas Day and ending at midnight on Boxing Day.

In a message passed to the Editor of the Suffolk Gazette by the paramilitary force’s commanding officer, the SLF warned Norfolk peasants not take advantage of the ceasefire by trying to cross the border.

We agreed to reproduce the letter below after the SLF threatened to turn our corporate HQ, the Greyhound pub in Ipswich, into a refugee centre for Norfolk migrants if we refused.

Dear Sir,
We would like to announce that our Christmas ceasefire takes place at midday tomorrow and lasts until midnight on Boxing Day.

We will continue to have our forces ready in case Norfolk peasants try to wander over the border and we still have our shoot to kill policy in place.

Our men in Norfolk will remain in place.

However, to mark the time of year, we will not fire potshots into Norfolk or stage any incursions into the county.

We will, however, renew the war effort at the end of the ceasefire.

On New Year’s Eve, we have a big operation planned at midnight under cover of fireworks.

We demand that you publish the above details, otherwise we will take the Greyhound public house as a Norfolk refugee holding centre.

We are not on the least bit worried about any Norfolk defence force reading this as no one in Norfolk can read.

Finally, I should like to wish all Suffolk Liberation Front fighters, wherever they may be on secret operations, a happy Christmas.

We are Suffolk, we are united.

More updates to follow.

Regards,
Commanding officer

Gerald named Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year

The Editor
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Gerald named Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year

Rail Replacement Bus Service

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Delighted Gerald Jenkins was celebrating today after winning Greater Anglia’s coveted Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year award.

Beaming Gerald, 62, was handed the trophy at a glittering ceremony last night after single-handedly clocking up 3,478 bus journeys this year between Ipswich and Liverpool Street Station in London.

The award was even more prestigious this year, given that Greater Anglia did not seem to run any trains at all, but relied on four wheels to transport its frustrated passengers.

Gerald, who is married to Jenny and has two grown-up children, was invited on stage by Greater Anglia managing conductor Jamie Burles to receive his award, even though in traditional fashion the ceremony was 25 minutes late.

Mr Burles said: “Gerald is an example to us all, driving his red double-decker bus relentlessly into London through Suffolk and Essex because our trains are not running.

“He managed 3,478 trips in 2016, which works out at nearly ten a day, so he really was working his socks off.”

Gerald said he was humbled by the award. “I’ve never won anything in my life,” he said. “Even though everyone I pick up in my Rail Replacement Bus Service is thoroughly miserable, it’s a joy to drive them around parts of Essex they have never been to, and probably never wanted to go to.”

Suffolk Police admit investigation was a joke

The Editor
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Suffolk Police admit investigation was a joke

EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police arrested two men yesterday, one for stealing a car battery and another for the theft of a firework.

A police spokesman confirmed today: “We charged one, and let the other off.”

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Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, the editor of the Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s brightest spoof and satirical news publication, is under investigation for stealing old jokes.

An insider at the newspaper admitted: “If time is tight, then an old joke book is an easy target. Anyway, it’s this sort of childish humour that is appreciated most by our readers.”

Anyone who thinks they can do better is urged to reach out to this publication’s Contact Us page with any mildly amusing story suggestions.

The insider added: “We need to line up some stories over the Christmas period as the editor will be busy working for charity, helping the needy, walking elderly neighbours’ dogs, and in no way drinking for four days solid.”

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