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Mary Poppins gave ‘irresponsible’ sugar advice

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Mary Poppins gave ‘irresponsible’ sugar advice

Spoonful of sugar

By Phil Ward, Health Correspondent

A spoonful of sugar does not actually help the medicine go down, it emerged yesterday.

Millions of children who watched the Mary Poppins film grew up assuming it was fine to eat handfuls of sugar to make them feel better.

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But now medics have confirmed that sugar and sugary treats could be making youngsters ill in the first place.

Dr Henry White, of the University of Suffolk, said: “We conducted tests that proved sugar does not aid recovery. On the contrary, we found it contributes to the horrendous weight problems in Suffolk.

“Mary Poppins might know a thing or two about being a nanny; she might even recognise that Dick Van Dyke’s Cockney accent is crap. But she does not know the first thing about medicine – her advice is irresponsible.”

Dr White has now called for the Spoonful of Sugar song to be removed from the Mary Poppins film. “It’s the responsible thing to do,” he explained.

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Famous gin drinker Mabel Jackson, 100, dies after short illness

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Famous gin drinker Mabel Jackson, 100, dies after short illness

centenarian gin and tonic

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

Mabel Jackson, the centenarian who endeared herself to the world by declaring the secret to long life was drinking six gin and tonics a day, has died suddenly.

Her family has confirmed that Mabel, who turned 100 in June, suffered from alcoholic poisoning last Sunday after downing too many bottles of free gin sent by kind-hearted distilleries.

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Mabel hit the headlines in the summer after the Suffolk Gazette revealed her passion for gin, when she told this newspaper: “I have two at lunchtime, one at tea time with a biscuit and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting. I swear the gin keeps me young!”

Our story was picked up and run by newspapers and magazines the world over, including Cosmopolitan and The Drinks Business. It even made it into publications in Belgium and as far afield as Hungary.

But while Mabel received adulation from well-wishers, her fondness for six tipples a day ended up being her downfall.

Mr Simon Young, editor of the Suffolk Gazette, said: “As soon as our story was published, we were inundated with gin companies asking us for Mabel’s address so they could get some marketing capital out of sending her free gin.

‘Difficult time’

“We obliged, of course, but unfortunately this seems to have contributed to her death as her daughter has told us she died sadly of alcoholic poisoning. We send our sympathy to her family at this difficult time.”

Mabel, who lived in a care home in Stowmarket, said she had been drinking gin for 82 years and had recently worked out she had got through 4,264 bottles of the spirit, which she bought every Wednesday from the local Co-Op.

A shop assistant, who asked not to be named, said: “She’s with the angels now, and may she rest in peace. We’ll have to cut back on our gin deliveries now, however.”

Mabel had been widowed since 1989 when her beloved husband, farm labourer Eric, died of liver disease.

Her funeral will be held next Friday, conducted by The Rev Evan Elpuss at St Margaret’s Church. Mabel’s daughter, Mary Whiteside, 74, from Ipswich, has asked that there be no flowers, but donations should be made if desired to the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund.

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Angry demo as Greggs stop selling scones

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Angry demo as Greggs stop selling scones

By Iona Diamond

Angry crowds held a demo yesterday after Greggs the high street bakery announced it was to stop making scones.

“It’s the thin end of the wedge of cake,” said retired teacher Sarah Bunn. “I blame Brexit. I have had a scone for my elevenses for the past 30 years, yet Greggs say there is no demand. The Government needs to look into this.

“Last year Greggs said they were phasing out bread. Now scones! Where will it all end?”

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Mrs Bunn was waving a banner saying SOS! SAVE OUR SCONES! at the branch in Stowmarket, Suffolk.

Greggs have decided to sell healthier products with their Balanced Choice line and more on-the-go snacks.

They are considering banning their bacon baguette in favour of a tofu and quinoa burrito with Acai berry dressing and swapping their steak bake for a pack of carrot batons with wheatgrass dip.

SconesHere today, scone tomorrow

Plumber Kevin Pipe said: “It’s a bloody disgrace. What kind of baker doesn’t make bread or scones? It’ll be the Sausage Roll next!

“Greggs used to be the workers’ friend. Now they are becoming a bunch of tossers. Their head office said products had to move with the times. We were hoping that meant a sausage roll in a wrap or a steak bake and chip sarnie. Greggs need someone to open up to rival them and give them a good kick in the doughnuts.”

His mate, Paul Fullup said: “I had their seaweed porridge and was sick all over our white van. I hoped they would move to an iced finger folded into a triple chocolate muffin – the sort of inventive stuff they do on The Great British Bake Off.

“I met my missus in Greggs when she barged in front of me to get the last sausage roll. I like a woman with spirit, especially gin.”

A Greggs marketing guru told the Suffolk Gazette: “Scones are a thing of the past, as is that old-fashioned bread stuff. We are changing our chocolate brownie to a carob greenie and experimenting with a sausage-free kale and goji Berry pastry to enjoy with our new green tea with cactus juice beverage.

“We have every confidence in our marketing team. The public just have to keep up.”

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Old Suffolk fisherman to ‘take on’ Russian fleet

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Old Suffolk fisherman to ‘take on’ Russian fleet

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

An elderly Suffolk fisherman says he will “take on” the flotilla of Russian warships as it passes East Anglia today on its way to Syria.

Bert Jones, 84, fishes for crabs around Orford, and is furious that President Putin is sending his ships close to Britain, labelling it as “provocative posturing”.

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He will take his small wooden boat 12 miles out into the North Sea, bob up and down in the international waters – and then wait for the Russians to turn up.

“If the Commies think they can steam along my coast they have got another thing coming.

“I will stop my boat in front of the fleet and shake this big stick at them.”

old fishermanWatch out: Bert Jones intends to give the Ruskies a bloody nose

The flotilla is made up of Russia’s only aircraft carrier — the Admiral Kuznetsov — and other vessels with awesome firepower heading for Syria to join the bloody war.

But many see the voyage down the North Sea and through the English Channel as inflammatory towards Britain, and the Royal Navy will send a destroyer and a frigate to shadow the fleet around the south coast.

“Seeing me waving my big stick in the middle of the sea might make Putin think again,” insisted Mr Jones, who has worked from Orford for 68 years. “If I make enough of a nuisance they might turn around.”

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Fury as red phone box found to contain phone, not books

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Fury as red phone box found to contain phone, not books

Red phone box
By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A visitor to the countryside expressed outrage today after finding a red telephone box that had not been turned into a free book exchange.

Neville Beaumont spotted the phone box as he drove through a village near Debenham, and thought it was a great opportunity to grab a free book.

But to his horror, he opened the door to find nothing inside but a telephone.

“What use is a telephone in the middle of the countryside to me?” he asked the Suffolk Gazette in a furious email. “I’ve got my own mobile like everyone else.

“This must be the last functional rural red phone box in the country – trust me to find it.”

Villagers across the country have happily stocked local phone boxes with their unwanted books rather than demanding a telephone – a strange notion because there is never a usable signal on their mobile devices.

A spokesman for BT apologised to Mr Beaumont, 62, from Hertfordshire, and promised the box would be stripped of its phone and filled with books nobody wants to read as soon as possible.

Time for the Great British Rake-Off

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Time for the Great British Rake-Off

in my lady garden

With the leaves beginning to fall faster than a tart’s knickers, it’s time to protect your lawn. So this is how to do the Great British Rake-Off.

Ingredients
1 pint of Adnams Ghost Ship
1 bottle Prosecco, chilled
1 bottle Aspall Cyder
1 lawn rake, light wide variety
Large Portion of jute open-weave leaf sacks or black bin bags pierced all over with a fork
2 packets cheese and onion crisps
2 Krispy Kreme doughnuts (flavour optional)
1 fold up chair
1 teenage relative
1 fifty-pence piece

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Method
Tip yourself into the chair and pull open the first crisp packet, setting one aside for later. Stir the teenager into action by greasing its palm with a fifty pence piece and insert the rake into its hand.

Sip drinks and stuff your face with doughnuts as the leaf piles double in size and the teenager reaches boiling point. Get the teenager to chill and offer it the other crisps before it piles the sacks into a neat heap, leaving it to mature nicely (the heap that is, not the kid, which will take longer) into lovely leaf mould. The teenager should now be of dropping consistency.

The leaves can be easier picked up using these leaf-grabs, which have more fingers than a Norfolk pickpocket.

Leaf grabberGrabbers: give ’em a big hand

Now, what if you cannot obtain a teenager? You could splash out on a leaf blower if you want to deafen the neighbours or a leaf vacuum. And some machines blow and suck if you are that way inclined. You will find them in the Argos catalogue or the Ann Summers shop.

My next-door neighbour, paunchy Mr Hollywood, has one and swaggers around the garden, making a great deal of noise and waving it around for us all to see. Whereas, elderly Mrs Berry on the other side, who is famous for making cakes for the WI, likes to vacuum her lawn in a more dignified fashion.

Mr Hollywood, who, thank goodness is moving to a new job at Channel 4 with, as he vulgarly says, “more bread, better crumpet and a bigger rise”, flirts with all the villagers with his blue eyes twinkling. He keeps making double entendres as he furtively rearranges his butternut squashes inside his tight jeans.

If your lawn is full of moss and weed, now is the time to gouge them out. It is called scarifying. (Well, it is Halloween!).

Talking of which my pumpkins (Diannius Abbottom) have swollen nicely over the allotment and fortunately, my house is already full of cobwebs so no need to buy those pretend ones.

Donald Trump MaskTerrifying: more scary than real Trump

My husband has this awful mask (see above) ready to scare the shite out of any children or sensitive adults who have the temerity to knock on the door while Coronation Street is on.

Do remember, before you let your children go begging for sweets from strangers, that Trick or Treat night can be a terrible ordeal for some, especially that Jonathan Woss, who never speaks of it.

But if you must celebrate the witching hour, remember to eat, drink and be scary.

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Halloween is a great time to rip the dead heads off your flowers and Magic away all the dried garden debris. Cut your roses back by a third to stop them getting blown to buggery in the winter winds. Give your greenhouse a good scrub and a dousing of disinfectant to prevent any insects overwintering and treating the place like a hotel. It’s also time to get your bulbs in, especially the gorgeous alliums. Gobemaster is a giant stunner with enormous balls, just like Mr Hollywood. Divide your rhubarb crowns to make more plants (i.e. more crumble with custard).

Jobs to do this week
* Dig out your tubers, like dahlias, to store in the dry until Spring.
* Dig out your big knickers or thermal Long Johns ready for the cold snaps ahead. You don’t want your privets to freeze.
* Cut down your runner beans now they are finishing. You can save the beanstalks for the compost… or a Christmas pantomime.

Your problems answered
* Mrs Clinton from New York (my fame is spreading): My goodness, there seem to be horrible pests all over your land. You need to eradicate them once and for all. But one thing you don’t need is a garden handyman!
* Mr Trump from Tuddenham: All tender plants need protecting as the weather gets colder, especially your banana. Either keep it indoors or keep it well covered up.
* Willy from Woodbridge: The orchid you sent me a picture of is genus Dracula, but don’t worry. It won’t bite you in the middle of the night. Yes, I’m sure your girlfriend will love it if you give her one for Halloween. Remember demons are a girl’s best friend.

Keep your problems coming, dear readers. It keeps me off the streets!
anita-bush-signature

Hornby celebrates Greater Anglia franchise with Rail Replacement Bus Set

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Hornby celebrates Greater Anglia franchise with Rail Replacement Bus Set

Greater Anglia rail replacement bus set

EXCLUSIVE
By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Model railway giant Hornby has celebrated Greater Anglia’s franchise win with a special Rail Replacement Bus Set.

The limited edition double-decker bus can be placed next to any Greater Anglia station – providing hours of playtime fun as you imagine frustrated travelers cramming on board for a trip to London.

Each set comes with two buses, a hate mob of passengers, harassed staff, a section of broken track – and even a tannoy so the mob can be controlled.

A Hornby insider told the Suffolk Gazette: “Ever since Frank Hornby started the company in 1901 we have sought to produce the most lifelike rail models in the world.

“Greater Anglia is quite a challenge, however, because it does not have many trains that actually work properly.

“We tried recreating antiquated units that broke down all the time, but couldn’t do it.

“Then our product team came up with the idea of a Rail Replacement Bus Set, given that Greater Anglia seems to use so many of them – especially at weekends.”

A real rail passenger said: “We have been pretty fed up with Greater Anglia and their buses, and were looking forward to the franchise ending. But inexplicably they won the franchise renewal which began this week.”

Lucky owners of the Rail Replacement Bus Set will have great fun pushing the smelly bus, which has special windows that mist up, around the living room carpet.

They can imagine driving all the way from Ipswich into odd parts of Essex like Billericay to pick up passengers who mostly wear baseball caps and speak in a wannabe East London accent.

Then they push the now-crammed bus along to Ingatestone, where they let the grumpy passengers off because they might actually be able to catch a train from there.

The limited edition box sets, priced at £19.99, are available now in time for Christmas from all good toy shops. And some bad ones.

Rail Replacement Bus Set Image: @TimDunn

Suffolk woman owns UK’s first driverless car

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Suffolk woman owns UK’s first driverless car

By Suffolk Gazette Staff

A Suffolk pensioner has been revealed as the first British owner of a driverless car… from as far back as 2000.

Cyril Sidebottom, of Stowmarket, bought the swish red Nissan Micra for his wife Cynthia on Valentine’s Day that year, in the hope that he could give up running her to Slimming World, Weight Watchers and Greggs the bakers.

“I knew she didn’t like driving and I most certainly didn’t like being her passenger, but I thought after moving house to the middle of nowhere that she would go on her own to buy iced fingers and sausage rolls.

“But even that couldn’t lure her out. One day she went out for some emergency Senokot and she was a nightmare at a roundabout, where she would sit jabbing the brake and the accelerator for half an hour before pulling out in the wrong lane while other drivers honked in fury or pissed themselves laughing.

“Her 33-point turns were something to behold. She was afraid of turning right anywhere so we just drove round in circles.”

Nissan MicraGleaming: Cynthia’s old driverless Nissan Micra

Cynthia, 68, told the Suffolk Gazette: “I once drove to the Co-Op for some teabags but it was nerve-wracking, even with Terry Wogan on the radio. I went to a drive-in McDonalds. Well it wasn’t a drive-in until I reversed through the plate-glass window.”

Cyril, aged 70, said: “She couldn’t get to grips with the gears, even though I had got her the automatic. Since March 2000 it has actually been a driverless car. It has just sat on the pavement collecting moss and going rusty.

“The last MOT failed because the tyres had rotted on the drive. The Micra is 16 years old and has eleven miles on the clock and a Moby tape wedged in the cassette player.”

The Sidebottoms now have their name down for one of the new-fangled robotic driverless cars. “I just hope it can reverse park itself without smacking into a bollard,” said Cyril.

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