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Norwich-based Colman’s Mustard ends giveaways over ‘divisive’ coverage

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Norwich-based Colman’s Mustard has ended all promotional giveaways with the Suffolk Gazette – amid a campaign to stop firms advertising with some newspapers over “divisive” coverage of Norfolk migrants.

Colman’s regularly gave away free jars of its tangy yellow condiment via the hugely popular Suffolk paper, but there would be no more “for the foreseeable future”.

The news comes just days after toy maker Lego confirmed it had ended its promotion with the Daily Mail.A Colman’s insider, speaking from the company’s HQ in Norwich, said: “Suffolk Gazette coverage of Norfolk issues, particularly the plight of many Norfolk peasants trying to get into Suffolk have, at times, been divisive, over-hyped and hate-filled.”

The firm highlighted several recent Suffolk Gazette stories that promoted bigotry and hate, including:

Norfolk trolls using Suffolk-bound trains to sneak into the county
An archeological dig revealing tools were used in Norfolk as far back as 1946
The building of a 12-foot wall along the Suffolk border to keep Norfolk migrants out

“These are just some of the hate-filled stories in the Suffolk Gazette,” the Colman’s insider added. “If you type in Norfolk in the paper’s search bar there are dozens more.”

Colman's MustardColman’s, which has been making mustard in Norwich since 1814, had responded to the shadowy Stop Funding Hate group, which aims to shame big companies into taking away commercial support from certain newspapers.

Suffolk Gazette editor Simon Young was upbeat. “Our readers are extremely supportive of our stance on Norfolk migrants trying to get into our county. We stand up for the hard-working citizens of Suffolk, and will not be bullied by a mustard maker from Norfolk.”

He admitted the loss of Colman’s from the paper’s commercial accounts would hit hard, particularly just before Christmas, but reminded readers they can support the paper by using the ‘Buy Me a Beer’ link below.

Dave Davies of The Kinks reveals all about Ipswich Town

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EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

One of the biggest names in British music has given an exclusive interview about his thoughts on Ipswich Town Football Club.

Speaking at length to the Suffolk Gazette, Dave Davies, who founded The Kinks with his brother Ray, proved he had deep-seated knowledge about the ailing Suffolk club.

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In a far-reaching interview, the You Really Got Me and Lola star revealed his fears that Ipswich may never make it back to the Premier League – a view shared by many fans.

Mr Davies granted the interview after being contacted by the Editor of the Suffolk Gazette last night.

The 69-year-old clearly wanted to consider his answer carefully, and gave an extraordinarily long and detailed reply less than 20 minutes later.

The Editor of this newspaper said: “I admit it was actually only a two-word interview, but his ‘Don’t ask’ answer can be taken in several ways.

“Either he means ‘don’t ask’ jokingly because Ipswich will never get back to the Premier League, which is astute of him.

“Or he means ‘don’t ask’ as in bugger off and stop stalking me on Twitter.”

Mr Davies’ interview proves once again that the Suffolk Gazette is the newspaper of record for East Anglia, trusted by the famous and powerful worldwide.

If you are a worldwide celebrity, feel free give us an exclusive interview on Twitter, too. Here’s the Twitter page: @SuffolkGazette

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Mercedes handbooks to advise on driving politely

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Mercedes drivers

Mercedes-Benz has revealed that from next year its owner handbooks will contain advice on being polite to other road users.

Company bosses were forced to admit Mercedes drivers were the rudest on the road, seemingly incapable of thanking other motorists for letting them through.

And roadside surveys confirmed no Mercedes driver had ever let another vehicle out from a side junction.

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A spokesman for the German luxury car maker said: “We have some of the best cars in the world, but also the most arrogant drivers.

“From January our handbooks will contain five pages of advice about how to interact with other road users, things like raising a hand to say thank you, or letting people out into queuing traffic.

“There will be advice on how not to hog the outside lane or tailgate other cars, and a special section about giving cyclists and pedestrians a wide berth.

“It shouldn’t take too long for the rude reputation to disappear. That dubious accolade can then go back to BMW where it belongs.”

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Trump makes US grate again, promotes Nigel Farage to sheriff

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Nigel Farage sheriff
EXCLUSIVE

President-elect Donald Trump has revealed he has already made the whole of America grate again – and that he was making Nigel Farage a special sheriff.

Just minutes after meeting Barack Obama at the White House, Mr Trump granted the Suffolk Gazette a telephone interview and said: “Look! I’ve only been in the job one day and I’m already making America grate again. Yeah, grate again. Just look at the demos against me.

“I’m grating on the Liberals, grating on the elites, grating on those transgender lady-boys, grating on the foreigners. Just look at those demos. Yeah, look at those demos… those demos.

“By the way, I’m gonna make your Nigel Farage my Sheriff in Chief, with his own silver sheriff’s badge.”

President Trump spoke to The Suffolk Gazette because he dislikes most of the media – and because of his business interests in the county.

He added: “The media, the media. The media backed crooked Hillary. Crooked Hillary. Crooked Hillary.

“Now she’s gonna have to open a pants-suits, or as you guys call ’em, trouser suits, shop on Fifth Avenue while she cries her girlie eyes out. I hope she’s got that waterproof mascara like all my wives needed.

“Anyway fella, I gotta go now to source some bricks for the wall. I don’t want any of those Norfolk folk gettin’ in to this Trumptastic country of mine.”

And with that he rang off. But he arranged to send us the exclusive photo of Nigel Farage in his new sheriff uniform, which we have reproduced above.

Suffolk firm seeks Witchfinder General for United States

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By Phil Rowles

A Suffolk recruitment company is looking for a Witchfinder General to join Donald Trump’s new Presidential team in the United States.

The firm won a six-way international pitch thanks to East Anglia’s reputation for employing excellent Witchfinders over hundreds of years.

A spokesman for recruiters I Do Big Jobs, in Bury St Edmunds, said the Witchfinder role had changed over time, but the principle was the same.

“Nobody needs to find witches anymore – that would be silly. But there are modern-day equivalents that Mr Trump and his team want to unearth.

“Our brief is to find a skilled Witchfinder General to seek out Muslims, Mexicans and gay people.”

Witchfinder GeneralRuthless: Suffolk Witchfinder General Vincent Price
Asked what would happen to captured Muslims, Mexicans and gays under the new right-wing Trump administration, the spokesman explained their fate would not be as brutal as it was in medieval Britain.

“A few hundred years ago, witches in Britain were caught, tortured into confession and then burnt at the stake. If they were lucky they were dunked in the local river instead – if they drowned they were innocent, if they survived they were definitely a witch. Then they were burnt at the stake anyway.

“We are advised that this Witchfinder General role in the United States does not involve execution so it might not be suitable for some Suffolk applicants.

“Instead, those caught will simply be thrown out of America.”

The US Witchfinder General role comes with a decent $200,000 salary plus a performance-related bonus for every 10,000 people ejected from the country. There are also five weeks holiday and a company car. The position is for four years with the possibility of a four-year extension, although this is deemed unlikely.

Suffolk Witchfinder Vincent Price, from Lavenham, is an early applicant for the role. “It’s right up my street. I have not worked for a while and have never been to America, so why not?”

Train passengers delighted as man sits down with smelly food

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By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Train passengers have spoken of their joy after a man sat down in their packed carriage and began eating stinking takeaway food.

Some broke out in cheers and others clapped as the pungent waft of spicy pork in wasabi and garlic sauce on noodles was heightened by the sound of slapping lips.

The exciting incident happened on the 6.30pm from Liverpool Street to Ipswich in Carriage D – transforming a monotonous journey into a cultural, foodie delight.

One commuter said: “I was sitting there after a hard day waiting for the train to depart, thinking there was no interesting smells to lighten my mood.

“Thankfully, all that changed when this bloke sat down and started tucking into what looked like a cardboard bucket of sick. The smell was vile, and spread through the whole carriage within seconds.

“Nobody said anything, of course, but many looked up to see who was eating something so delightful. Those who could not see were not left out, because everyone could hear as he slapped his lips, scraped the bottom of the bucket loudly with his plastic spoon, and sniffed every three seconds.

“It was a joy to behold, and everyone was grateful – so much so that there was clapping and cheering until Shenfield, when he finished the last morsel. That was a shame because all we had left to smell until we reached Ipswich was the usual residual stink of shit from the toilets.”

Britain threatens to invade Switzerland over Toblerone shape row

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toblerone shape

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Britain is drawing up plans to invade Switzerland unless the country reverses its controversial decision to change the shape of Toblerone.

Prime Minister has asked our forces to “ready themselves” in case diplomatic efforts to bring back the original much-love chocolate bar fail.

She is also threatening a boycott of Swiss cheese and cuckoo clocks – and a ban on Brits visiting Alpine ski resorts this winter.

The sneaky change to Toblerone has caused outrage in Britain, with social media awash with horrified fans. Even the most widely-read story on the BBC news site, even just hours before US election day, was the Toblerone row.

Manufacturers insist reducing the Toblerone bar size, and increasing the space between triangular pieces (see photo above), will save costs.

But the cost to Switzerland will be far higher if British troops arrive on its doorstep. They have been on full training near Thetford Forest for a possible land invasion via France, while RAF top guns have been readying themselves for a drop of Paras from RAF Honington near Bury St Edmunds.

British armyThey don’t like it up ’em: British troops exercise in Suffolk, ready to give the Swiss a bloody nose

Findings:

A Defence spokesman told the Suffolk Gazette: “We won’t stand idly by and let the Swiss ruin something that has delighted Brits for decades, especially those who bought the big versions of Toblerone in Duty Free shops.

“Our boys are ready to teach the neutrality-loving Swiss a lesson or two. They won’t know what’s hit them.”

A Downing Street spokesman insisted the minor fact that Toblerone was now made by US company Mondelez International, and not a Swiss one, was a minor irritation. “We can’t go invading America, so Switzerland gets it.”

Mondelez has kept the packaging the same size, but now it contains 360g of Toblerone as opposed to the original 400g. Fans say the spacing between triangular chunks now looks “ridiculous”

Norfolk woman adds bucket to bucket list

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A Norfolk woman has put a plastic bucket on her bucket list.

Pensioner Ada Pike is prepared to travel as far as Suffolk to achieve her ambition to get a new pail.

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Mrs Pike, from Yarmouth, said: “My daughter told me about people writing out a Bucket List, then she showed me the film with Jack Nicholson and Lenny Henry dreaming up things to do before they died.

“She said people wanted to swim with dolphins. What an earth is the point in that when most councils have an actual swimming pool?

“Other people wanted to see the Northern Lights… well I’ve already been to the Blackpool Illuminations.

“Some idiots want to run a Marathon before they kick the bucket but that could bloody kill you.

“My old metal bucket went rusty not long after my Alf died and I never got round to replacing it. I want one of those new plastic ones. I also want a new washing up bowl so I might get both.

“I wasn’t sure where to send the bucket list so I decided on Robert Dyas in Ipswich and they will have it ready to pick up when I actually go there on my dream trip. Then I can die happy.”

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