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Norfolk scientists make flying horse genetic blunder

The Editor
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Norfolk scientists make flying horse genetic blunder

Norfolk scientists duck horse
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A secret weapons laboratory in Norfolk has been shut down after attempts to make a flying horse ended in disaster.

Boffins at the Sheringham research facility believed they could mutate a horse’s genes with a duck so that it could fly, literally under the radar.

But the bold experiments went wrong when the mutant white horse turned out to have a duck’s head without wings so it couldn’t take off.

It’s almost as strange as the locals evolving just one toe.

Funds from the Bernard Matthews Military Trust have now been withdrawn, and Norfolk’s hope of developing a “stealth horse” with which to attack Suffolk have been mothballed.

A scientist who is now applying for refugee status in Suffolk said: “We were tasked with creating something capable of flying under the radar and delivering a sh*t load of bombs. Unfortunately, we just ended up with a duck-horse thing capable of nothing more than a bomb load of sh”t.”

The news is the latest setback for Norfolk as it fights to overcome increasing border activity and incursions from the Suffolk Liberation Front.

Meanwhile, the duck-horse has been sent to graze in Downham Market, where human mutants live.

Cookie Monster has life-threatening diabetes

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Cookie Monster has life-threatening diabetes

The Cookie Monster has diabetes

The Cookie Monster is suffering from life-threatening diabetes after years of bingeing on biscuits, it has been confirmed.

He was paid handsomely to stuff his face with cookies by television show Sesame Street – and is now paying the ultimate price.

Pals say the Cookie Monster, once a vivacious and fun-loving character whose catchphrases included “Me want cookie!”, “Me eat cookie!” and “Om nom nom nom”, is now a sad, overweight recluse who has to inject himself with insulin.

At the height of his fame, he lived in a palatial Hollywood mansion, but now he has moved to England to live out his last years in a bungalow in Felixstowe, Suffolk.

One friend said: “He was exploited in the name of chasing television ratings. It is shameful that it has come to this – he cannot earn a living anymore.

“His so-called showbiz friends have deserted him, and he is a burden on the National Health Service.

“Once he was blue and full of life – now he is grey and old before his time.”

Cookie Monster

The Cookie Monster, 43, was a fitness fanatic when he first joined the Sesame Street cast.

He was asked to eat cookies greedily for the cameras, but the gorging became an addiction and he started eating them in his dressing room and at home.

The Cookie Monster soon developed early signs of diabetes, but he could not give up the cookies, and once even slipped into a diabetic coma.

A spokesman for Ipswich Hospital, which has been treating the blue muppet for over a year, said: “This is a lesson for young people everywhere – eat in moderation.”

Man shows off his convertible car in February

The Editor
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Man shows off his convertible car in February

Man shows off convertible car
A man has taken advantage of the warmer February weather to drive his convertible car around with the roof down.

Stephen Jenkinson, 57, was worried throughout the winter that no-one noticed his Mercedes came with a luxury option for open-air motoring.

So as soon as the temperature crept up passed 8 degrees centigrade this morning, he couldn’t wait to go topless.

Other motorists looked on in envy as Mr Jenkinson drove around the Stowmarket area with his roof down, and his heater on full blast.

The carpet salesman said: “I have a very desirable convertible car that shows off how successful I am. Other drivers are impressed when they see me enjoying the breeze in my hair; I hope it cheers them up.”

But onlookers were not as impressed as Mr Jenkinson had hoped.

Shop worker Clare Mills, 33, from Needham Market said: “He looked a twat. It’s February, for goodness sake. People in a convertible car look silly in summer, let alone when it’s nearly cold enough to snow.”

Mr Jenkinson leased his sparkling Mercedes last year, and is unconcerned that the price amounts to more than half of his income. “It’s worth it to see how everyone looks at me enviously,” he said, adding, “I’ve finally made it in life.”

Mick McCarthy is the new face of Bargain Bins

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Mick McCarthy is the new face of Bargain Bins

Ipswich Town manager Mick McCarthy has landed a lucrative personal sponsorship deal as the new face of skip hire company Bargain Bins.

The firm was so impressed with how McCarthy conducted his transfer window business that they swooped to sign him up (which was quite ironic in itself).

While ambitious Championship clubs signed exciting and established players, forking out millions in the process, Ipswich snapped up a couple of unknown players from non-league football, an ageing defender from the American league, another defender who has been without a club all season, and, at the last minute yesterday, two loan players who are only in the reserves of other Championship clubs.

The underwhelming wheeling and dealing, despite the club promising it would replace star striker Daryl Murphy, who was sold just before the start of the season with no-one coming in, was real bargain bin stuff.

Mick McCarthy is the new face of Bargain BinsBecause you’re worth it: Mick McCarthy is the new face of Bargain Bins
Fans had hoped for some big signings to improve results because Ipswich are slipping down the table and have a nightmare run of tough fixtures coming up, including a trip to arch rivals Norwich City.

The popular Ipswich Town FC Australian Supporters Club might not have heard of Bargain Bins, preferring instead to use the decent local alternatives, such as Skip Bins Melbourne.

Bargain Bins chief commercial officer Darren Smith said: “Everyone loves a Bargain Bin, and Mick McCarthy is the perfect face for our campaigns.

“He loves to rummage around and find the stuff everyone else wants to chuck out. Watch out for him in our TV ad campaign, coming soon.”

Suffolk Liberation Front to help Gibraltar invade Spain

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front to help Gibraltar invade Spain

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The latest dispatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front saves the Editor’s bacon, reveals a cunning reconnaissance technique – and confirms it is helping Gibraltar invade Spain. Bit of a quiet week, in other words.

Sir,

It has been some time since we released any news on the Suffolk Liberation Front, mainly because we have been busy.

I will first mention that the commanding officer had to personally intervene to prevent the editor of the Suffolk Gazette being seized by front-line fighters and being forced to work as a chef. The SLF command has said that regular news updates in the Gazette are far more important than well-cooked food (but should you stop publishing our updates, you’ll be fair game).

Firstly to quash some rumours, the SLF is not a front for drug dealing and organised crime. There have been many remarks that this is the case and that we use pizza delivery drivers to distribute illegal drugs.

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This isn’t the case. However, I can happily announce that our newly-appointed captain is currently patrolling the streets of Ipswich, gathering intelligence and keeping the people safe undercover with his story being that he’s delivering pizza. We now have every town and village in Suffolk covered by various takeaway delivery outlets, so that patrols can be carried out undercover. We effectively hold Suffolk under a reign of terror a protective shield.

We have had enquiries in from America about building works, something about a wall, as they admire the Bungay wall and want us to replicate it there, so we are sending some representatives there to look into this. Possibly we may be able to use sterilised Norfolk slaves to do this task, which will mean raiding parties again into the wilds of Norfolk to get more slaves as we’ve sold a lot of them to China in return for weapons.

We are busy building a new port at Iken cliff to facilitate the Chinese imports and soon that area will become an industrial complex. We will be looking for entrepreneurs to invest heavily in the new industry and we will report on further developments as they happen. We now have many Chinese soldiers helping us, so invasion of Norfolk and Cambridgeshire is imminent, we have already managed to send a nuclear weapon to King’s Lynn, decimating the town; such is the insignificance to outsiders of this hell hole that no one has noticed as yet.

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GibraltarGibraltar: residents think the Suffolk Liberation Front rocks

We will certainly need the Chinese soldiers as we have become international soldiers of fortune – Gibraltar has asked us to invade Spain for them. It transpires Gibraltar was concerned about the nearly-all British towns in the south of Spain and the impact of Brexit, so when they decided to invade, they came to the SLF for help as we have experience of this sort of thing. In return we will keep anything we loot, including gold and slaves. We will make a fortune and increase the size of Gibraltar to encompass most of Spain and Portugal as we need the loot believe in the need to do this. Our Chinese friends will help us in this task by offering expertise, weapons, vehicles and ships.

As we have developed so quickly we are also holding a recruitment evening very soon in an Ipswich pub. We may also be selling t-shirts and mugs. We shall announce this soon, and we are also going to create a Facebook for the SLF for new recruits to sign up in and to ask for funds for our training camps and weekends. We are also thinking of a new logo.

We are Suffolk, we are united.

Sincerely,

Suffolk Liberation Front
Commanding officer

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Norwich City sign local brothers to boost promotion-chasing squad

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Norwich City sign local brothers to boost promotion-chasing squad


By Ian Bred, Norfolk Reporter

Norwich City have snapped up two local brothers as manager Alex Neil looks to boost his squad for the second half of the season.

Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler agreed personal terms at Carrow Road yesterday after Norwich’s joint £5,000 bid was accepted by Downham Town FC of the Eastern Counties League.

Norwich owner Delia Smith was delighted with the transfer window swoop and happily posed with the brothers, who both play as strikers and have become local legends at Downham Market.

Bubba, 27, has scored three goals in 364 starts for Downham Market, while his brother Billy Bob has been even more prolific, netting five times in only 203 games.

New Norwich signings Bubba and Billy Bob SpucklerKeeping it in the family: Delia Smith with the Spuckler brothers

Norwich City chairman Ed Balls said: “Our supporters will be doubly delighted – we have made two significant transfer window signings, and they are both local lads. This makes up for the imminent £12 million sale of Robbie Brady.

“And it is brilliant to sign two brothers. We like to think of ourselves as one big family club, and these boys will fit in perfectly.”

Neither of the brothers had ever travelled the long distance to Norwich before (40 miles), and were clearly overawed by the experience of being paraded at Carrow Road yesterday – they certainly looked a little pale in the official photographs.

Bubba said: “I live in a small place with my sister and our eight children – they can’t wait to come to Norwich to see me play. Do they need a passport to get here?”

Tycoon Bernie Ecclestone joins Suffolk Gazette board

The Editor
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Tycoon Bernie Ecclestone joins Suffolk Gazette board

Bernie Ecclestone joins the Suffolk Gazette board

Former Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone has joined the board of the Suffolk Gazette newspaper, it has been confirmed.

The multi-billionaire business magnate, pictured above, has become a non-executive director and will bring considerable experience to the leading East Anglian media empire.

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Mr Ecclestone, 86, stepped down as chief executive of the Formula One Group this week after the sport was taken over by Liberty Media.

Born in St Peter, South Elmham, just south of Bungay in Suffolk, Mr Ecclestone went to school in nearby Wissett and still holds the county close to his heart.

The trawlerman’s son has been a keen admirer of the Suffolk Gazette since the newspaper first broke news that F1 would be heading to a new street circuit in Ipswich.

And when he announced this week he was stepping down from motor sport, the Suffolk Gazette editor was quick to make an official approach.

A joint statement confirmed: “The Suffolk Gazette is delighted that Mr Ecclestone has agreed to join the board as a non-executive director. This is an unpaid position, but he hardly needs the money, does he?

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“The board meets most Friday nights in The Greyhound pub in Ipswich, and it is hoped Mr Ecclestone will be unveiled there soon. Staff have promised to install a milk crate so he can see over the bar.”

An associate of Mr Ecclestone said: “He is a very astute businessman, and he recognises the huge potential of the Suffolk Gazette. Even though many thought he would now be putting his feet up, he wants to give something back to local business.”

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The Queen seeks second home on Suffolk coast

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The Queen seeks second home on Suffolk coast

EXCLUSIVE
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen is the latest wealthy Londoner to want a second home on the Suffolk coast, it has emerged.

She went on a secret trip last week to view properties in posh Aldeburgh and Thorpeness, including the wacky House in the Clouds – even though it is not for sale.

She was spotted by local resident Norman Quest, who said: “She had a good nose about and was particularly taken with the House in the Clouds, but was disappointed to learn it is not even on the market.”

The Royal couple were driven around by security men in a black Range Rover as they toured several properties in nearby Aldeburgh.

A Royal insider said: “They want a second home on the Suffolk coast but have not yet put any offers in. She thought the House in the Clouds was lovely, but it’s not on the market, and she would probably have struggled with all the stairs anyway.”

Aldeburgh is a haven for well-heeled Londoners, with most of the resort’s properties being owned by people from Fulham, Kensington and Chelsea. They all drive Range Rovers so the Royals would blend in seamlessly.

But not everyone is happy. Resident Frank Smith, 72, said: “These Londoners are just sending the prices sky high. Local young people cannot afford to buy a home in their own towns. Something needs to be done.”

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