The discovery of drug-addled shrimps in Suffolk’s rivers has finally solved the mystery behind £50 million worth of cocaine washed up on Norfolk beaches in 2017, police have confirmed.
Detectives now believe the cocaine haul was destined for the crack dens of the rivers Orwell, Alde and Lark where it would have been cut and distributed to junkie shrimps and lobsters throughout Britain’s waterways network.
Undercover drug cops now believe a mysterious Codfather-like figure, known as Lobster the Mobster, is masterminding the shipments and distribution of drugs. “He’s the big fish we’re after,” said one.
Lobster the Mobster
“Drug use amongst Suffolk’s shrimps is reaching epidemic proportions,” a police spokesman said.
“Taking cocaine is not clever, it’s shellfish behaviour. We urgently want to speak with Lobster the Mobster and his henchmen, Ronnie and Reggie Krayfish” he added.
He explained the £50 million haul, which was washed up in Norfolk in 2017, was meant to be brought up the River Orwell towards a shrimp den near Ipswich.
Drugs washed up on Norfolk beach in 2017
“But we believe the inflatable boat bringing it in was punctured by Lobster the Mobster’s claw and sank, leaving the tide to take the bails of coke to Norfolk, where some locals tried to pinch it.”
The public is urged to watch out for spaced-out shellfish in Suffolk and to check their prawn sandwiches do not contain a mysterious white powder.
“Prawn barons are not welcome in Suffolk,” anti-drugs campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said.
The Queen will welcome Donald Trump to Britain by sending Prince Philip to pick him up from the airport.
Mr Trump will make his first official state visit to the UK in June, staying with Her Majesty, having talks at Downing Street and taking part in D-Day commemorations (so long as it’s not raining).
It has been revealed that the Queen has a cunning plan to keep Mr Trump occupied – sending her husband out in his Range Rover to pick the President up from Stansted Airport.
Prince Philip Donald Trump
A Royal insider said: “Her Majesty was furious when Philip overturned his car near Sandringham after colliding with a common person in a Kia earlier this year.
“She ordered Philip, 96, to stay off the road, much to his disgust. But news that Mr Trump is arriving has given her a change of heart.
“Now she wants Philip to drive round and pick him up.
“She’s claiming this will make Mr Trump feel welcome, but the Royal household can’t help wondering that she has an ulterior motive.”
Royal watchers will be keen to see how Her Majesty and Mr Trump get along after some curious body language when he dropped by last summer on an official (but not a state) visit.
It emerged that when Prince Philip met the Trumps, he gaffed by saying welcome to Donald Trump and Stormy.
** Hat tip to Have I Got News For You Facebook page – turns out they made this gag earlier today!
After comedian Volodymyr Zelensky won the Ukraine Presidential election, Frankie Boyle is now expected to run for Prime Minister of Great Britain, it has emerged.
Mr Boyle, a 46-year-old Scottish man, is expected to win widespread support from an electorate used to voting comedians into Downing Street.
A friend of Mr Boyle said: “He is preparing his manifesto right now. It mainly involves calling English people posh c*nts and taking the p*ss out of everybody else.
“But after really quite laughable leadership from the present and previous Governments, all of whom have been taking the p*ss for years, Frankie will be welcomed by the nation with open arms.”
Frankie Boyle
It is thought that once Mr Boyle wins the election, he will insist on meeting the Queen in Scotland to officially form his Government, rather than at Buckingham Palace.
“Our election campaign slogan will be Frankie Goes to Holyrood,” the friend said.
Meanwhile, in the Ukraine, the world is hoping comedian Zelensky has a serious solution for dealing with important affairs of state, not least what to do with Russia.
Extinction Rebellion protesters called off their blockade of Heathrow Airport in case celebrity agitator Emma Thompson wanted to return to the US.
The actress was so concerned about the impact of flying on the climate that she flew 5,400 miles from Los Angeles just to make her point.
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Once she had got herself on the news, she was free to hop back on a huge aircraft to fly half-way around the world again, generating 1.67 tonnes of CO2 in the process.
It’s thought the protesters, who have brought central London to a standstill, decided against trying to ground aircraft from Heathrow when it emerged Thompson might want to take her umpteenth flight of the year.
Crusty-haired, middle-class, jobless climate change protester Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We are dead against people flying – it damages the environment and we are all going to die.
“It was lovely of Emma Thompson to fly in from LA to join us.”
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Meanwhile, police say they have nothing better to do rather than standing around watching people breaking the law and blocking bridges, Oxford Street and Parliament Square.
One officer insisted: “We have arrested around 400 of them, but the journeys in gas-guzzling police vans to and from the nick are probably defeating the object.”
Families are enjoying the gorgeous Bank Holiday weather by camping out on roads to the Suffolk coast for a second day, it has emerged.
All routes to popular spots are packed, allowing stressed parents and crying children the chance to sit back and enjoy the wonderful countryside views.
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Police confirmed the only people to make it to Aldeburgh and Southwold were London second-home owners who could afford to take the whole week off work and get there early.
Normal families were left to fight it out on the A12 and other routes to the seaside.
Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, from East London, said: “I told my idiot of a husband to go the back way through Eyke and Snape but, oh no, he knew better and said the main road would be fine.
“Sure enough, we’ve been stuck here since 7pm last night and we haven’t talked since.”
Two well-known Russian fans of beautiful cathedrals have spoken of their sadness about the Notre-Dame blaze in Paris.
Ruslan Boshirov and Alexander Petrov said it was a great loss to cathedral lovers around the world, particularly the collapse of the big spire.
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The pair, who famously travelled all the way to England to visit Salisbury Cathedral before going straight back home, watched the unfolding disaster on Kremlin TV.
“Our friends have been suggesting for a long time that we visit this wonderful cathedral in Paris,” Petrov said, while Boshirov added that they specifically wanted to see the famous spire and clock.
Both men were such cathedral fans that they were able to recite the height of the spire, bell towers, and how many pieces of stone make up the 850-year-old building.
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Spokesperson for the Russian embassy in London, Lorraineski Fishov, 34, said: “Our people have a passion for cathedrals. These two gentlemen are well known for their love and deep knowledge of such things.
“They have taken the fire in Paris particularly badly.”
Borishov and Petrov were unavailable for comment, but were believed to be mining somewhere in Siberia.
East Anglia tourist official Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s better to be safe than to be sorry. If you thought Great Yarmouth was bad, you won’t believe what it’s like on National Siblings Day.”
Downham Market vicar The Rev Evan Elpuss has put up a notice saying people from outside the county were welcome to take refuge in his church.
