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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

The Editor
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Norfolk seeks naming rights to the sandwich

Sandwich

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The rural county of Norfolk has caused outrage throughout Britain by claiming the sole rights to producing the humble sandwich.

Council leaders insist only the Norfolk Sandwich can be sold in UK shops, and have applied to the EU for a Protected Designation Origin Order (PDO).

A statement said the tasty bread-enclosed convenience snack is quite clearly a local invention “because Norfolk has been so in bread for generations”.

The EU issues PDOs for local foodstuffs to prevent copycat enterprises stealing the heritage.

There are more than 70 orders in the UK, including protection for the Melton Mowbray Pie, Cornish pasties, Whitstable oysters, Scotch beef and Jersey royal potatoes.

But an EU insider said Norfolk may struggle in its claim to the sandwich.

A spokesman said: “The application claims everyone in Norfolk is in bread, but this is clearly a typo, so we expect this case to be thrown out.

Norfolk County Council leader Bubba Spuckler, who runs a smallholding near Downham Market with his sister and their eight children, said: “We are in bread in a big way. We demand only Norfolk businesses be allowed to sell a sandwich.”

Traditionally it is said the sandwich was, in fact, invented by John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792), a British statesman and notorious profligate and gambler. He allegedly was the first to stuff some meat inside two bits of bread in order to eat without having to leave the gaming table.

Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

The Editor
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Dad with tattoo evicted from Aldeburgh home

A young family has been evicted from their Aldeburgh home because the father was found to have a tattoo.

Dave Smith, 37, kept quiet about the inked tribal-style image on his upper left arm when he signed up for a rental property near the posh town’s seafront.

But residents were horrified when they spotted the tattoo while Mr Smith was washing his van while wearing a vest.

They complained to the town council, and Mr Smith was given the option to remove the tattoo with laser treatment by the end of the month, or face eviction from the town.

The father of two refused to comply, and has now been forced out of his rented terraced home, which would have cost £750,000 on the open market, and moved to Ipswich instead.

“They don’t mind tattoos in Ipswich. In fact you look a bit odd there if you don’t have one,” Mr Smith, a builder, told the Suffolk Gazette.

Tribal tattoo

It’s tattoo much: Mr Smith’s arm went against Aldeburgh bylaws

A spokesman for Aldeburgh Town Council confirmed: “Our bylaws clearly state that you are not allowed to display a tattoo in a public place.

“They are tacky, ugly things designed purely for common people, and having them in a town like ours can only drag down our reputation.

“If these people really want to live by the seaside, we suggest they move to Lowestoft instead, where they will feel completely at home.”

Aldeburgh resident Margery Daw saw Mr Smith with his vest and was furious. “He was cleaning his white van – that’s another thing that should be banned in Aldeburgh – and I saw the tattoo.

“I was enraged, I felt physically sick, and it’s all my friends have talked about at the golf club since.”

Suffolk tattoo artist Clare Phillips said she had never done a tattoo for anyone from Aldeburgh. “They wouldn’t be seen dead in my studio,” she said.

The well-heeled town of Aldeburgh has been accused of snobbery before. We have exposed them for disguising Asda delivery vans as being from Harrods, for having police tanks prevent commoners from reaching town, and even a local police campaign to remove underwear from washing lines.

Norfolk arms company loses tank contract

The Editor
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Norfolk arms company loses tank contract

Norfolk tankBy Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A Norfolk arms company may have to lay off staff after failing to land a lucrative £30 million tank contract with the Ministry of Defence.

Colmans BAE spent seven years developing its fearsome Raleigh Tank, pictured above, but the MoD has announced it will be taking its business elsewhere.

The arms manufacturer exports its Raleigh Tank to North Korea, but orders have dried up since Kim Jong-un switched his arms investment to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

Insiders at the Downham Market factory, which employs seven thousand local men and women, all from the same family, say Colmans BAE needed to win the MoD contract to stay afloat.

“The Raleigh Tank is our most advanced tank yet, and we felt sure the Government would want to buy it as our armed forces deserve the best. It was a shock to miss out,” chief executive officer Bubba Spuckler said.

He declined to confirm jobs are now at risk, but the Suffolk Gazette understand three thousand jobs may have to go.

Jobs were further put at risk when the company’s new jet fighter disappointed defence experts.

MoD spokesman Mark Brownless said: “Four companies have been trying to win the £30 million tank contract, but Colmans BAE has already been told to drop out.

“We had concerns about the Raleigh Tank firepower, and the protection of the driver was suspect at best.”

Ben Gummer now working in McDonald’s

The Editor
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Ben Gummer now working in McDonald’s

Ben Gummer job

Former Ipswich MP and Cabinet Office Minister Ben Gummer has got a new job after his shock defeat in last month’s general election.

The youthful-looking Conservative is now flipping burgers in a popular McDonald’s restaurant in the town’s Tavern Street.

Mr Gummer was squeezed out of his seat by Labour’s Sandy Martin after paying the price for the Tories’ shambolic election campaign.

Ironically, in his position as Cabinet Office Minister Mr Gummer was responsible for writing the party’s election manifesto, so he was a master of his own downfall.

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Diners at the fast-food outlet were surprised to see him behind the counter today, seemingly enjoying his new job.

“I’m luvin it,” he said when approached by the Suffolk Gazette.

But he could not talk further as his supervisor wanted him to clean one of the grills.

Natalie Bloom, 25, from Ipswich, spotted the ex MP while buying a Big Mac meal for lunch. “I thought I recognised him,” she said.

“McDonald’s could do with some experienced staff like this. Mr Gummer is certainly used to serving up whoppers to the public, so it shouldn’t be long before he has four stars on his shirt.”

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All restaurant staff get awarded stars as they progress through the internal training scheme. Having all four demonstrates a competent knowledge in all areas of the restaurant operations, such as operating a till, preparing products, working in the dining areas and hygiene and safety knowledge.

Mr Martin defeated Mr Gummer by 831 votes on June 8, enjoying a high-profile scalp that had political commentators salivating with excitement throughout election night.

But it will be Mr Martin who will be salivating for another reason – if he gets peckish he could head to McDonald’s and be served by his former political opponent.

An Ipswich Labour Party insider said: “Not that we’re gloating or anything, but we’ve all been going into McDonald’s to have a laugh. Several of us have put on a little weight as a result.”

Mr Gummer is starting on a £7.34 hourly salary, but he hopes soon to grab a management position which will see him bag around £17,500 a year.

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Doctors swamped by cases of Wimbledon Thumb

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Doctors swamped by cases of Wimbledon Thumb

Wimbledon thumb

A surge in repetitive strain injuries caused by viewers repeatedly switching off the tennis on TV has caught doctors by surprise.

Medics across Suffolk cannot cope with the number of patients suffering from Wimbledon Thumb, and have now urged non-urgent patients to keep away.

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A health department spokesman said: “People who don’t often use the television remote control now keep having to switch from BBC1 and BBC2 to avoid watching endless tennis matches.

“They have to click around with the remote to avoid men and women bashing balls about, having tantrums and throwing sweaty towels at poor, innocent children.

“The more they have to use the remote to find Poirot or Pointless or even Last Of The Summer Wine, the more their thumb begins to ache and swell.

“We advise them to put a bag of frozen peas on their swollen digits, but we have had to bandage some people up with their arms in a sling and even had to make a few amputations.

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“Of course we can see the problem with matches constantly switching from one BBC station to another, interrupting normal programming, but it might be safer to mow the lawn or watch a replay of Love Island, though god knows what swollen injuries we would have to deal with after that.”

Dr Finlay Spuckler added: “In Norfolk the amputation of a thumb has left them with only five digits on the hand.”

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Driving test hill start scrapped in East Anglia

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Driving test hill start scrapped in East Anglia

Driving test hill start

They make every learner driver nervous, but now hill starts are to be scrapped from driving tests in East Anglia – because there are no hills.

The DVLA made the announcement today after test centres across the region complained they were pointless.

Hill starts are an essential part of driving if you live up north, in Wales and Scotland, or in hilly regions of the south-west.

But as hills and mountains do not exist in Suffolk, Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Essex, there is nowhere to practice – or use during an actual driving test.

No hills in Suffolk

Flat as a pancake: No hills in Suffolk
Instead, learners are taken to a road which normally has an uphill gradient no higher than four per cent and told to move off without stalling or sliding backwards.

Not surprisingly, everyone passes with flying colours.

From August 1 this year, the driving test hill start will, therefore, be removed from the practical driving test.

A spokesman for the DVLA said: “It is unnecessary to carry out hill starts in East Anglian counties like Suffolk, where even the worst hills are more like gentle slopes.

“Therefore it will save money by not including hill starts in driving tests, and concentrate more on things like parallel parking and reversing.”

Driving test hill start

Motorists in other areas of Britain complained today this means young drivers from East Anglia will be unprepared if they drive into hilly regions – and there would be multiple accidents as their cars roll back out of control.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Keswick in the Lake District, said: “If inexperienced Suffolk drivers come here they will be unprepared for a proper hill. They will be stalling, rolling backwards and causing general chaos.

“It will only be a matter of time before our sheep, which have the freedom to go wherever they like, are run over. And if that happens there will be trouble.”

Great sporting underdog triumphs of our time

The Editor
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Great sporting underdog triumphs of our time

With the rest of 2017 jam-packed full of fun sporting events to spectate, there is plenty to keep you occupied. From Wimbledon and the Tour de France, to The Champions League and Test cricket, there is lots to get involved with, and of course, to place a few free bets on! Free bets offer you a great incentive to get into the world of online betting, and who knows, you could be in for a major win!

In every season and in every game, there is always that unexpected team or athlete that powers through from oblivion to surprise us all and to mess up the bookies odds. But what are the greatest in history? We have rounded up a few for your reading pleasure.

Football

England vs Iceland

In the last World Cup, Iceland were drawn against the English football team. Whilst the English are not as good at football as they think they are, most people were sure that they would smash the Icelandic team. The Icelandic team is made up of part-time footballers, and their coaches day job is a dentist – no one could foresee what would happen. As Iceland sailed to victory with a 2-1 win, England were left licking their wounds in one of the most humiliating defeats in sporting history.

Soccer ball

Leicester City winning the Premier League

In 2015-2016 the little-known Leicester City somehow managed to scoop the top prize in the British Premier League. Defying odds of 5000-1 they rose to the top of the table, leaving big names like Man U, Chelsea, and Arsenal in their shadow. Imagine if you had put an accumulator bet on Leicester winning, or even just one on them winning the league? It just goes to show that sometimes a crazy bet can pay off!

Holly Holm vs Ronda Rousey

Ronda Rousey is one of the most well-known and tough UFC fighters in the world, and the holder of the UFC bantamweight title. Showing domination over her last three fights and winning them within seconds, no one could foresee what was about to happen. Holly rocked up and instantly neutralised Ronda with an incredibly brutal kick that was felt by everyone in the audience as well!

Appalachian State vs Michigan

Back in 2003 the Michigan Wolverines were at the top of their game in college football. When they were drawn against the Appalachian State team, there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that they would emerge victorious, but this was not to be. The Appalachians stormed to victory with a 34-32 win at full-time and were the first Division I-AA team to win against a Division I-A team.

Whether you are watching with friends, or having a punt online, the rest of 2017 has a lot of exciting sporting action in store for us. Remember when you are placing a bet, that sometimes it is the most unlikely teams or athletes that can burst in from nowhere and save the day!

Suffolk pub found to have no artisan gin menu

The Editor
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Suffolk pub found to have no artisan gin menu

Artisan gin menu

A customer has found the only pub in Suffolk that does not have a pretentious artisan gin menu, it has emerged.

Allison Hughes, 27, stumbled across the Horse and Hound in Woodbridge and was delighted to see only normal gin behind the bar.

“Suffolk’s publicans seem to think we all want fancy artisan gin with twatty names and bizarre ingredients dreamt up by hipsters who wear no socks and grow silly moustaches.

“If I want a gin and tonic I am happy to buy one of the well-known brands behind the bar, mainly because I am desperate for a drink and all gins taste the same anyway.

“I do not want to spend 30 minutes staring at a grandiose gin menu with 40 choices, fretting over whether to have Poetic Whimsy with locally-foraged botanicals, or Parson’s Nostril with sweet pepper and wild horseradish.”

The landlord of the Horse and Hound said: “We had one of those hipster types in here the other day wearing a silly waistcoat – it was the middle of June, for goodness sake.

“Anyway, he asked for my artisan gin menu and I told him we only serve Gordon’s but that I could put a pork pie in it to make it more interesting.

“He was very upset and flounced out.”

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