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The Queen will start the London Marathon – but what time will she finish?

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The Queen will start the London Marathon – but what time will she finish?


By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen is officially starting this year’s London Marathon, but it’s anyone’s guess what time she’ll finish.

Her Majesty, 91, will start the marathon on April 22 from a special podium at Windsor Castle, which means she then has to run into central London to join the rest of the athletes on the course.

A royal insider said: “The Queen is a keen jogger and is often seen running around Windsor Great Park or St James’ Park in London.

“It’s long been the secret of her amazing fitness for a woman of her age.

“She has never run more than a mile before, so the London Marathon course will be tough, of that there is no doubt.

“But Her Majesty has an amazing ‘can do’ attitude, and she is determined not to be beaten by someone dressed up as a seven-foot carrot, or by someone running with a washing machine on their back.

“She certainly hopes to finish in under five hours.”

Crowds lining the streets will be desperate to catch a glimpse of The Queen as she runs past.

After the finish line in The Mall, it is just a short walk home to Buckingham Palace for a well-earned rest and a cup of tea.

A spokesman for the London Marathon said: “We invited the Queen to officially start this year’s event, and we were thrilled when she accepted.

“But we never expected her to take part. Fair play to her, she will be giving it a right Royal go.”

It is not know which charity Her Majesty will be running for, although it is known she needs a few funds for Prince Harry’s wedding spectacular a month later.

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Maureen, 87, whacks burglar with saucepan

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Maureen, 87, whacks burglar with saucepan

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Fearless grandmother Maureen Mullen caught a burglar by tripping him up and bashing him over the head with a saucepan.

Maureen, 87, was England women’s judo champion in 1953 and used her skills to nab the crook as he rifled through her living room drawers.

She is now being hailed a hero, and has been told by cops she might be invited to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen at a special reception.

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“I woke up at 3am hearing noises downstairs,” Maureen told the Suffolk Gazette in an exclusive interview from her home in Ipswich yesterday. “I crept down and peeked into my front room and saw a figure going through my things.

“I thought, ‘I’m not having this nonsense’, so I went to the kitchen and grabbed the saucepan I keep to one side to make my soups. It did not have soup in, thankfully.

“Then I waited by the living room door, and when the man walked by I put out my leg, tripped him up – and as he went down I hit him on the back of the head with the saucepan. He groaned a bit but I tied his hands and legs with the cord from my vacuum cleaner.”

Maureen, who has lived alone since her husband died eight years ago, then casually called police.

“They arrived quite quickly and couldn’t believe what I had done,” Maureen said. “But I told them I used to be a judo black belt and used my training to get the man on the ground before immobilising him. You don’t forget how to do these things.

“It all came quite naturally to me. I don’t know what the fuss is about, really.”

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An officer at Ipswich Police station said: “This woman was incredibly brave. We would not recommend anyone tries to tackle a burglar, particularly an elderly lady living alone, but it seems former judo champions, no matter what their age is, are the exception!”

Maureen, who has six grandchildren living nearby, has now been nominated for a bravery award – and the chance to meet the Queen.

“That would be an amazing honour,” she said. “I admire Her Majesty a great deal – I think we old ladies are made of strong stuff.”

Meanwhile, a 27-year-old man, who did not suffer serious injuries, has been charged with four burglaries and will appear before Ipswich magistrates tomorrow.

“A man with a slight headache is in custody,” a police spokesman confirmed.

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0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0, Ipswich home goals record reduces fans to tears

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0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0, Ipswich home goals record reduces fans to tears

Ipswich home record

Ipswich Town bosses have introduced an exciting new binary numbering system for home matches, ensuring only zero or one goal can be scored by the team.

So far the new policy is working a treat, with the players having scored on just two occasions since before Christmas.

Canny manager Mick McCarthy has masterminded a run of goals scored in the last nine home matches as follows: 0-0-0-0-0-1-0-1-0.

And as any schoolboy mathematician will tell you, that’s an impeccable group of binary numbers.

It adds up to long-suffering Ipswich fans seeing just two goals scored at Portman Road in 810 minutes of play, or 13.5 hours.

In other words, the expression “We could have played all day and still not scored” has never been more appropriate.

A club insider said: “We thought we would mix things up a bit by changing to a binary numbering system.

“Marcus Evans asked McCarthy to keep it tight at the back, and Big Mick has done just that.

“Unfortunately for the supporters, playing nine or ten defensively-minded players at home does have the effect of not producing any goals.”

A few fans wearing blue-tinted spectacles have suggested the state of the Portman Road pitch, which resembles a Suffolk ploughed field, might be to blame for the lack of goals.

But that did not stop lowly Hull City, who had won just two of their previous 35 away games, from coming to Ipswich and winning 3-0.

When McCarthy was booed throughout that game, he said afterwards Hull were a “good team” full of experience, and that they were in a false position in the League.

Yet, curiously, Hull traveled to relegation-haunted Birmingham City four days later – and got spanked 3-0.

There will be more binary numbers stories as we get them, including the likely number of season ticket renewals arriving at the ticket office each day – none, one, none, none, one…

Topless Stormy Daniels photos

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Hundreds of thousands of randy or inquisitive men, and some women are searching Google for topless Stormy Daniels photos.

And the trend has been seized upon by some clever internet marketers as a way of attracting traffic to their website.

The Suffolk Gazette would like to make it clear this is abhorrent clickbait, and that it certainly has not published any topless Stormy Daniels photos.

Nor has it pretended to.

Internet SEO expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wise editors will take a popular current search term like topless Stormy Daniels photos, and use it in a title.

“They will then repeat the same phrase – topless Stormy Daniels photos – to increase potential search rankings.

“And the savvier amongst them will also add a sub-heading using the same phrase.”

Topless Stormy Daniels photos

Ms Fisher said this clever method was fine, so long as the site does not deliberately mislead readers.

Stormy Daniels, a porn star, is currently in a legal fight with US President Donald Trump, trying to reveal details of their sexual relationship.

A spokesperson for the Suffolk Gazette said: “We are a respectable family newspaper and it is unthinkable that we would publish topless Stormy Daniels photos.”

Asked why this story repeated the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos so many times, the paper said it was a coincidence.

“It would be impossible for us not to write a story about sites using the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos without actually using the phrase topless Stormy Daniels photos.

“We’re just doing our job.”

World wonders who will win Russian election

The Editor
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World wonders who will win Russian election

The world was incredibly excited today to see who will win the most open Russian Presidential election in years.

With voters across Russia going to the polls today, political experts say it is anyone’s guess who will win power in the Kremlin.

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One of the candidates, a Mr Vladimir Putin, has found success at many recent elections, but no-one knows for sure if he might win again.

Russian affairs expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “It’s all very exciting.

“Never before has any country seen such an open race for a key election.

“Mr Putin must be really worried that he might lose his grip on power.”

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Other front-runners in the election, which takes quite some time because there are so many time zones in Russia, have strangely not had much exposure.

In fact, the Suffolk Gazette is unable to name any of them, despite doing some in-depth research.

“Some people think Mr Putin might win a landslide for a historic fourth time, especially as his main ‘opponent’ has been banned from standing.

“But nothing is clear-cut in politics. We could be in for a surprise.”

There are some suggestions that election poll station monitors working for opponents have been barred from some polling stations.

But there is nothing sinister in that, we are told.

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Arsenal given new kit for Moscow cup match

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Arsenal given new kit for Moscow cup match

Arsenal away kit for CSKA Moscow

Arsenal players have been handed a new away kit after being drawn against CSKA Moscow in the quarter-final stage of the UEFA Europa League.

The squad have been handed the new kit for what is expected to be a toxic atmosphere at the Russian leg of the tense tie.

Already several players, including Aaron Ramsey and Mesut Özil, seen testing the new kit above, have complained they cannot get about the pitch quickly.

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An insider at the Emirates Stadium in North London said: “The quarter-final draw threw up an interesting encounter with the Russians.

“Our fans will be looking forward to the away leg – the locals are bound to give them a warm welcome.

“We just have to hold our nerve.”

The atmosphere at the CSKA Stadium could get poisonous, but Arsenal fans have been advised to be friendly while not accepting any tea from the locals.

Meanwhile, Arsenal say they will extend a warm welcome to the Russians for the home leg of the crunch tie.

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“The Government may be busy throwing the Russians out of the country, but we will welcome them to our ground.

“But their supporters will be kept inside a huge chemical tent, just in case.”

Meanwhile, authorities in Moscow say they do not spy any difficulties with the match.

A Kremlin official said: “There is no problem. All are welcome, just as they will be to our fantastic World Cup this summer.”

There will be one obvious problem for Arsenal fans hoping to travel to the away leg – all the plane seats will be taken by expelled Russian diplomats.

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Muslim cleric invited to be next Archbishop of Canterbury

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Muslim cleric invited to be next Archbishop of Canterbury

Muslim archbishop

The next Archbishop of Canterbury is likely to be a Muslim after the Church of England decided to relax the job requirements.

In an announcement timed to coincide with Easter later this month, the General Synod will say it wants the church to be more inclusive.

As a result, Islamic clerics will be entitled to apply for the top job when the current Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, steps down.

But the move us sure to upset many purists in the Church of England, who will see it as a “cheap publicity stunt”.

Suffolk campaigner, the Rev Evan Elpuss has long argued that archbishops should really have to be members of the Church of England.

The vicar from Aldeburgh explained: “We have nothing against Islam, or Muslims in general. In fact, we are all for reaching out and working together for the common good.

“However, it’s ridiculous to allow an Islamic cleric to apply to become the Archbishop of Canterbury, the very top job in the Church of England.

“Anyone with half a brain knows this means a Muslim will get the job, otherwise the church would be accused of fashioning a cheap publicity stunt.”

Fellow local Church of England activist, rector Neil Cushion said he was also furious that the General Synod, the church’s ruling body, has chosen to make the huge policy change at Easter.

“Easter is a huge moment in the Church of England calendar, like Christmas,” he fumed.

“It’s simply unreasonable to expect us to welcome someone from another religion into the Archbishop of Canterbury role.

“A Muslim archbishop? Can you imagine the furore if a Church of England vicar from Norfolk was made a leading Imam?”

Islamic groups welcomed the Church of England reaching out to them.

“It is a very wise and generous gesture, and we expect many of our brothers will want to apply to be the next Archbishop of Canterbury,” a local Muslim expert said.

The General Synod refused to comment ahead of the big Easter announcement.

Lowestoft time zone moves forward one hour

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Lowestoft time zone moves forward one hour

Lowestoft is so far east that the time zone there is being brought forward one hour to compensate, it has emerged.

Town residents have been given just ten days notice about the disruptive change, which will undoubtedly create much confusion.

Britain’s most easterly point, Lowestoft gets the sun much earlier in the day and is plunged into darkness while the rest of the country is still out and about.

Experts say this might explain some of the odd behaviour of the town’s residents, who appear to have little in common with the rest of Suffolk.

Now the Government has bowed to local farmers’ pressure and agreed that clocks in the town will move forward one hour on Sunday March 25.

Then townsfolk will see a more natural spread of daylight over the day, and the switch will bring Lowestoft in line with much of Europe to the east.

But some business users are angry that they have not been given enough time to prepare for the change.

For example, Greater Anglia is trying to get its head around the concept that a train leaving Lowestoft will effectively arrive in Ipswich at the same time.

And tourist operators in the seaside resort, which is bidding for the 2021 UK City of Culture, fear day trippers will be unaware of the switch and miss out on an hour of glorious sunshine on the golden beaches.

Seafront ice cream kiosk owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This will cause chaos. When someone says to a friend, ‘Come and meet me in Lowestoft at 11am’ they will miss each other, and then they may fall out.

“Plus some local people might not be aware of the change – ten days is not enough notice for something this big.

“Kids will be late for school, the rush-hour will be all over the place and we will have to get used to watching the ten o’clock news at 11pm, which is far too late for a lot of old people.”

The town made the national news last year when The Queen offered to give Lowestoft to Spain in order to keep Gibraltar.

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