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Ryder Cup sensation: shouting ‘get in the hole’ does not work

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Ryder Cup sensation: shouting ‘get in the hole’ does not work

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Shouting “get in the hole” after a golfer has hit his shot does not actually make the ball go in the hole, it has emerged.

Exclusive research carried out by Suffolk University boffins has confirmed the inane hollering never works.

Fans in France this weekend for the Ryder Cup continue to shout “get in the hole” after every single shot.

Even wayward drives and other miss-hits are followed by idiots in the gallery yelling “get in the hole”.

Even Rory McIlroy’s drives on a par 5 do not ‘get in the hole’ (Photo: TourProGolfClubs CC)
Suffolk University academics were asked to investigate if this behaviour influenced the trajectory of the golf ball.

“No it doesn’t,” confirmed professor of sporting dynamics Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34.

She continued: “The ball will not get in the hole because some half-pissed and over-excited American bloke is shouting at it.

“All the shouting influences is the common-held opinion that many golf fans are complete idiots.”

The news comes just days after golf giant Titleist revealed it had entered a stunning sponsorship deal with Sizewell B nuclear power station.

Norfolk villagers reject ‘sun-guzzling’ solar farm

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Norfolk villagers reject ‘sun-guzzling’ solar farm

Solar farm Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A group of Norfolk villagers scuppered plans for a new solar farm over fears it would “guzzle” all the energy from the sun.

The campaign group, led by brothers Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler, feared the sky would darken and their turnip crop would fail if the solar farm was launched.

Green energy giant Bootfiful Sunshine Ltd had applied to build a 40-acre plant consisting of 800 panels to power up to 5,000 homes at Downham Market.

But locals were unimpressed, and forced district planners to turn down the proposal.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, who lives on his smallholding with his sister and their eight children, said: “Bootiful Sunshine took us for fools, but we could see through their trickery.

“Using 800 solar panels would guzzle up all the sunshine in these parts. We would not see any sunlight, and without sunlight, our crops would fail. Who would put turnips on people’s plates then?

“I’m not even convinced this electricity thing will take off, but if it does they should open these solar farms in the middle of the sea, or in Scotland where nobody lives.”

A spokesman for Bootful Sunshine said they had tried to educate the local Norfolk population and prove that solar farms do not actually take the sunlight away.

“We offered to drive the Spuckler brothers to see a similar solar farm operation in Suffolk, but they said they had never traveled internationally.”

A spokesman for the planning committee at King’s Lynn and West Norfolk Borough Council said councilors expected a revised solar application within months.

Women across Britain have unexpectedly turned the heating on

The Editor
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Women across Britain have unexpectedly turned the heating on

Britain keeps the heating on

Britain’s women have seized the initiative and unexpectedly turned on the central heating, it has emerged.

The annual household battle for control of the thermostat is normally waged across Britain in October.

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But chilly weather this weekend has seen women sneakily switching on the heating before men had even got out of bed.

Lorriane Fisher, 34, a woman, said: “It’s absolutely freezing, so I’ve put the heating on. Only on a low setting, obviously.

“My husband tried to turn it off again, mumbling something about the bills.

“But I turned it back on again, mumbling something about no dinner.”

Weather experts say the cold snap will only last a day or so before temperatures rise again.

It’s expected to hit 21 degrees on Thursday when everyone will be remarking about how hot it is.

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The news comes after it emerged that the world’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich.

Chas Hodges obituary Haiku

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Chas Hodges obituary Haiku

Chas and Dave obituary

Cockney duo Chas and Dave were firm favourites for more than 40 years. Their cheeky brand of music entertained millions. Chas Hodges passed away yesterday, aged 74. Here, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen, offers his unique tribute.

Cockney Chas, brown bread
Dave, me ol’ china, Jack Jones.
Aunt Joanna fades.

I expect some of our Norfolk readers may not understand Cockney rhyming slang, seeing as normal English presents issues for them. So, Richard has kindly offered a second version, just for them.

Cockney Chas, is dead
Dave, his old mate, all alone.
The piano fades.

Chas Hodges
Born: 28 December, 1943, Edmonton, Middlesex
Died: 22 September, 2018, London

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No fitting tribute would be complete without listening to the below.

It’s been a busy week for obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen, who has already penned tributes to Ipswich Town legend Kevin Beattie and TV presenter Denis Norden.

Norfolk yacht race to the horizon ends in disaster

The Editor
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Norfolk yacht race to the horizon ends in disaster

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Twenty yachts have gone missing after Norfolk’s first ‘Race To The Horizon’ event ended in disaster.

There are now fears for more than 50 crew members who could be anywhere in the North Sea.

The race was launched with much publicity last week.

But once the boats set off from Wells-next-the-Sea they just kept going, and nothing has been seen of them since.

race to the horizon

Missing: Bubba Spuckler’s boat is probably somewhere near Norway
Race organiser Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone expected the boats to reach the horizon in around three miles and come back again.

“It should only have taken an experienced skipper a few hours in decent wind conditions.

“But we watched aghast as, one by one, each boat disappeared over the horizon, never to be seen again.”

When asked why the crews had not been contacted by radio to be told of their mistake, Ms Fisher, 34, gave a worrying reply.

“What’s a radio?”

The Royal Yachting Association, Britain’s governing body, is now investigating how Norfolk was given permission to race.

“Modern navigation and understanding that the world is round have not reached Norfolk yet. That’s why boating there is usually restricted to the Norfolk Broads.”

One of the yacht skippers, Bubba Spuckler from Downham Market, told relatives he had been looking forward to the race to the horizon but would be taking it carefully because he didn’t want his boat to fall off the end of the world.

Britain’s first kebab shop found in lost city of Dunwich

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Britain’s first kebab shop found in lost city of Dunwich

Divers researching the lost city of Dunwich have discovered remarkable evidence of Britain’s first kebab shop.

The remains of the 13th-century shop were found under the North Sea during a recent survey using hi-tech imagery equipment.

Records at the Suffolk Registry Office confirm the presence of a takeaway of some sort in 13th-century Dunwich, which was as big and important as London in its day.

Divers recovered large skewers from the seabed, alongside remains of a building that had a service counter and some sort of large grill.

There was also a long, thin knife that would have been used to cut meat from the swirling kebab skewer.

It confirms that Suffolk locals and visiting sailors enjoyed tucking into a doner kebab with chili sauce in medieval times.

Yummy: 13th-century doner kebab

Intriguingly, what is being dubbed as Ye Olde Kebabe Shoppe, was found to be next to a pub and just down the road from a chariot taxi rank.

All the ingredients for a perfect night out.

Underwater archaeologist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The ancient city of Dunwich was lost to the sea many hundreds of years ago, but it is still throwing up new and exciting discoveries.

“This kebab shop is the best find in recent years.

“It is likely an immigrant arrived on a ship from the Ottoman Empire, liked what he saw, and set up shop.

“We tested the metalwork found on the seabed, skewers to hold doner meat and shish kebabs, and it was made in 1215.

“This makes it Britain’s oldest kebab shop.”

Original documents suggest medieval folks in Dunwich enjoyed their kebabs in ancient pitta bread, garnished with a little salad.

It is not known what the people of Dunwich would have made of Turkey Twizzlers, today’s gourmet food of choice.

Our mugs are not ancient at all

Buy one of the Suffolk Gazette mugs from Dirty Old Goat…

Denis Norden obituary Haiku

The Editor
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Denis Norden obituary Haiku

Denis Norden obituary

Veteran television presenter Denis Norden has died, aged 96. The Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen delivers his poetic tribute…

Out-take King taken.
RIP Denis Norden.
It’ll Be Alright.

Denis Norden
Born: 6 February 1922, Hackney, London
Died: 19 September 2018, Hampstead, London

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An Ipswich Town giant: Kevin Beattie obituary Haiku

The Editor
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An Ipswich Town giant: Kevin Beattie obituary Haiku

Kevin Beattie

It was with immense sadness that we, like every other Ipswich Town fan, and the wider sporting community, heard about the death of Kevin Beattie, aged just 64.

Here, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen, offers his unique reflection.

Final whistle blows
Kevin Beattie leaves the field
Ipswich Town applauds.

The Suffolk Gazette editor adds: “The Beat was a colossus in defence for Ipswich Town in the 1970s and early 80s. He was regarded by Sir Bobby Robson as the best player who had ever played for him.

“Had it not been for injury problems, which forced him to retire at 28 years old, Kevin Beattie would have been the England legend he so richly deserved. As it was, he won nine caps, scoring one goal.

“As a kid, I was fortunate to watch Kevin playing for Ipswich many times. We’ll never see the likes of him again.

“Rest in peace, big man.”

Kevin Beattie
Born: December 18, 1953, Carlisle
Died: September 16, 2018, Ipswich

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