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Man took ‘at least an hour’ to overtake cyclists

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Ladies cycling

By Bernie Legg, Cycling Correspondent

A motorist has complained it took him “at least an hour” to overtake this group of cyclists today.

Jeremy Smith, 54, said he was driving along the B1078 towards Wickham Market when he came up behind the group of four ladies who were enjoying a Sunday ride.

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“They were two abreast and it would have been difficult to overtake. In the event I stayed behind them for at least an hour until I was absolutely, 100 per cent sure that it was safe to do so,” Mr Smith said.

He claimed the group was going around eight miles an hour, and even with no other traffic around so early on a Sunday, he thought it prudent to stay behind them.

“Thankfully I am quite patient,” Mr Smith, an insurance broker, said. “I was happy to sit back and enjoy the countryside views. However, my wife did wonder why it had taken me so long to get the paper and milk.”

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Taylor Swift dumped Tom Hiddleston over red trousers fear

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Taylor Swift Tom Hiddleston AldeburghMoot point: Taylor Swift did not appreciate the local uniform in Aldeburgh

EXCLUSIVE
By Arthur Pint, Entertainment Editor

Taylor Swift dumped dishy actor Tom Hiddleston after realising what her future life would be like on the Suffolk coast.

The celebrity couple spent time in the county visiting his family, but multi-award winning singer Taylor, 26, was aghast when she saw what her boyfriend would turn into.

A pal told the Suffolk Gazette: “There were old people everywhere. All the men wore a uniform of red trousers and Tweed or Barbour jackets, and played golf. She felt sickened.”

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The loved-up couple were snapped strolling along Suffolk beaches with 35-year-old Tom’s mother in June, just one month into their romance.

But Night Manager star Tom’s dream of settling down in Suffolk were dashed by Taylor’s view of local life.

The pal explained: “She couldn’t bear to stay there another day. Oh my god, the smell of lavender and the stupid trousers! Taylor just felt she could not fit in with the Aldeburgh or Southwold sets.

“She asked Tom if they could spend some time in Haverhill instead, but he was having none of it.”

News emerged of their split last week, but the real reason behind it can only revealed today.

Swift is no stranger to Suffolk, having already dated Framlingham music sensation Ed Sheeran. She spent time with him in the town, including trips to his favourite pub.

Other Suffolk celebrities, including former Tory minister Norman Tebbit and television funnyman Griff Rhys Jones, are now on the alert in case Taylor wanted to make it third time lucky with a local man.

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Fury as Kim Jong-un detonates Sizewell nuclear blast

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By Our Foreign Affairs Staff

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un caused outrage today by setting off a huge nuclear explosion while holidaying in his caravan on the Suffolk coast.

The despot feasted last night on a tasty-but-spicy curry at an Indian restaurant in Leiston, and was still suffering the consequences when he woke up in his caravan at Sizewell this morning.

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Rather than stink the place out, he wandered down to the beach, which is popular with holidaymakers and dog walkers, to set off the explosion towards the North Sea.

But the resulting blast, captured on film and passed to the Suffolk Gazette by a concerned reader, was so huge it registered a 5.3 magnitude tremor, while the vindaloo and onion bhaji fallout is still being felt as far away as Aldeburgh and Southwold.

Kim Jong Un nuclear explosion in Suffolk

World leaders were furious, threatening further sanctions against the rogue state. Even China, a long-term ally of North Korea, has now seemingly turned its nose up.

The Suffolk Gazette revealed last year how Mr Jong-Un had purchased a caravan at Sizewell after falling in love the area during a secret visit to the local power station.

Our Editor even got an exclusive interview with Kim Jong-Un, where he backed the leadership of good comrade Jeremy Corbyn.

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Up to now he has enjoyed peace and quiet on his trips to Suffolk, with his secret service ensuring he was not bothered by inquisitive locals.

However that may now change, with an action group being created to monitor all Kim Jong-Un’s movements, particularly after a curry.

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We catch Keith Vaz with 22-year-old escort

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Keith Vaz escort

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Investigations Team

Shamed MP Keith Vaz is today exposed trying to get his hands on ANOTHER 22-year-old escort.

Our team watched from the bushes as he made overtures to the model outside his London flat, where he was caught last week allegedly paying male prostitutes for sex.

Mr Vaz, 59, resigned yesterday as chairman of the influential Home Affairs Committee after reports of his liaison with male escorts. He had allegedly asked them to bring along ‘poppers’ drugs – and was said to have offered to buy them cocaine.

He told the men he was a washing machine salesman called Jim, prompting another exclusive in the Suffolk Gazette that he had subsequently endorsed Vaz Washing Powder.

Married with two children, the Leicester MP blamed the Sunday Mirror newspaper for gutter journalism, while Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn implied it was a “private matter”.

But this exclusive Suffolk Gazette photograph reveals Mr Vaz absolutely does have a fondness for escorts in their 20s. There is no suggestion he did anything wrong with the car.

A trade insider described the escort as a “real goer” and “very reliable” – in other words, it would not sell its story to the newspapers.

My modern-day version of Harvest Festival favourite

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in my lady garden

Phew! What a busy few weeks for those of us harvesting our allotments. Our beans went bananas, our spuds are bursting forth, the tomatoes are heading for a glut and our marrows are swelling like a rent boy in an MP’s flat.

Not only that but it’s time to get in the winter pansies!

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Keen gardeners are pickling their beetroot, making jams and chutneys, bottling their gherkins and storing the apples and pears.

In Suffolk, the tractors have been working under floodlights to bring in the crops. I celebrated with a lovely Harvest Festival of sweet and sour pork and egg-fried rice.

harvest-festivalBountiful: Just look at my harvest

What a time for us to count our blessings! It reminds me of the old belter We Plough the Fields and Scatter, which was set to music in 1800 and is still one of the most performed hymns in the United Kingdom.

Between culling the courgettes and picking the peppers, I rewrote the words to bring it more up to date.

Please sing out loud after a few jars of Adnams, and I’m sure it will be good for your soul. All together now…

We plough the fields and scatter our bottles on the land,
We water our begonias, extended hose in hand.
We get the snow in winter and warmth to swell the grain,
And if we get our hair done, it pisses down with rain.

(Chorus)
All good gifts around us,
from Amazon online,
Oh Thankyou Lord, for all the beer
And all the chilled white wine.

We buy our plants from Wyevale or go to B &Q,
Together with some charcoal lumps, to do our barbecue.
We get the Busy-Lizzies to do the flowerbed,
Then nip along to Tesco… to buy our daily bread.

(Chorus)

We love our ride-on mowers: they cut the grass so good,
Unless we got the Astro Turf to trick the neighbourhood.
We sprinkle round the Weedol, the nettles for to kill,
We thank you for our nights out.. and morning-after pill.

(Chorus, and another beer)

We plough the fields and natter, about last night’s TV.
Like Poldark with his scythe out, or her on ITV,
We get the snow in winter, then warmth to swell the grain,
We get a shite hangover, then do it all again.

(Rousing chorus: sing so loud it hurts)

With all these award-winning lyrics, and being kept awake by tractors, I seek your forgiveness, dear readers, for not giving you my usual advice. Or answering your problems.

Apart from this one:

* K V from Leicestershire: your compost heap certainly does seem attention. I would shred some copies of the Sunday Mirror and add it to the mix. Urinating on it, which adds nutrients, might make it all a bit better.

See you soon,

Anita, la la la la la la la la. x x x

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Suffolk man shunned for running off with Norfolk ‘broad’

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A country boy from Suffolk has sung of his heartache after being shunned by his family because he moved in with a Norfolk ‘broad’.

Chuck Cash, together with his Fenland Cowboys have made a song highlighting the terrible choice he had to make – because running off with a woman from *that* county would leave him a Suffolk outcast.

You can watch the song Suffolkation below, although it’s likely Mr Cash, from Newmarket, chose the model in the video to significantly improve the appearance of his woman…

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Sex scandal MP Keith Vaz backs new washing powder

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Keith Vaz washing powder

EXCLUSIVE
By Our Political Staff

Shamed sex scandal MP Keith Vaz, who claimed to be a washing machine salesman while allegedly paying rent boys for sex, has endorsed a new washing powder in a bid to clean up his reputation.

He hopes new VAZ will make him whiter than white and remove any stains from his character.

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The Leicester MP, who is married with two children, allegedly took male escorts back to his London flat and asked them to bring a sex drug, according to the Sunday Mirror.

He is now expected to resign as chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee, although he insists the allegations in the newspaper have been passed to his solicitor.

Meanwhile, he has been quick to rush out his new product VAZ, which will be manufactured at an industrial estate in Needham Market, Suffolk.

Mr Vaz, 59, will market the powder by doing a ‘doorstep challenge’ offering people the chance to make a fresh start by swapping their usual washing powder for a packet of VAZ.

He got the idea after allegedly being taped telling a rent boy that his name was Jim and he sold industrial washing machines to hotels.

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Game of Thrones to be filmed on Norfolk border

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Game of Thrones Norfolk
Exciting: Scenes like this will be common on the Norfolk border

Television blockbuster Game of Thrones is moving to the Norfolk border where there is a ready supply of strange creatures.

Producers of the series, which is watched by millions worldwide, were said to be impressed by the wall being built along the county border to keep Norfolk people out of Suffolk.

With a scattering of fake snow, it will soon resemble the ‘Wall’ which marks the northern limit of civilization protected by Jon Snow’s Nightwatch against hoards of marauding wildings, dire wolves, white walkers, giants and other mythical creatures.

Huge savings on computer generated imagery will be possible as many of these creatures are believed to actually still live in Norfolk. Some claim to have seen dragons in the blackened wastes beyond Diss, but sceptics put this down to overindulgence in turnip hooch, the highly flammable tipple of choice in those parts.

Better known to us as country bumpkins, many of the locals in Norfolk have been offered parts as wildings. They need no make up, wardrobe or prosthetic extra fingers, saving even more cash for the production team.

The character Craster has over 30 wives, many of whom are his own daughters and casting has previously proved to be a problem. But no more! In Norfolk there are numerous similar family groups.

Rattleshirt, the Lord of Bones along with Tormund Giantsbane were found in a pub in Dereham where many of the locals were rumoured to be snarks and skin shifters. Sufficient body doubles for the dwarf Tyrion Lannister have been found but hard-up locals are still being urged to contact the production company for work as extras.

Barleywood studios near Beccles is gearing up for filming to begin later this year, and several stars of the show have been seen looking for digs around Saxmundham. Kit Harrington, who plays the heroic Jon Snow, was spotted enjoying a pint in the Bell Hotel along with scheming Margaery Tyrell – played by Natalie Dormer.