Wednesday, January 18, 2023

Thief robs St Mary’s Church on Christmas Eve

Thief robs St Mary's Church on Christmas Eve
St Mary’s Church in Old Newton

A cretinous, unchristian, thief targeted the peaceful sanctuary of St Mary’s Church in Old Newton, near Stowmarket on Christmas Eve.

The heinous incident allegedly occurred while the Vicar of Dibley,.was sampling wine in preparation for family communion on 8th January 2023.

According to Suffolk police, an unidentified person tiptoed into the unlocked church at around 10.30pm,.unbeknownst to the Vicar, Revd Mel Carville who was still busy sampling the wine.

Crucifix me a drink

Once inside the church office, the safe was cracked, and churchy-type objects,. such as a 12th-century bible written in cockney rhyming slang, a silver soap dish,. a pewter box containing St.Paul’s toenail clippings, and a golden chalice once belonging to the Queen of Sheba were stolen, right under the nose of Reverend Carville who was still busy tasting the wine.

Suffolk police have asked members of the public, especially those living in rural areas, to be vigilant,.and have issued a description of a suspect of St Mary’s Church robbery, seen acting suspiciously around the time of the theft…

St Mary’s Church suspect

According to one witness, the suspect of St Mary’s Church robbery is a spirit and invisible to the human eye. Others say he is a horned male, aged between 6,000 and 100,000 years old.

Although a master of disguise who sometimes disguises himself as an angel of light,.his true appearance is said to be that of an angry blood-red beast, his head and face wreathed by flowing, tousled black hair.

He has serpents slithering out of his leathery body, mighty dragon-like wings splaying from either side of his crooked spine, and hooves instead of feet. His countenance is terrifying, with twisted features, and razor-sharp fangs splintering out of a barbarous grimace.

He is said to grip souls in each hand, before skewering them on a trident and pitching them into the flames of Hell.

If you see anyone matching this description, please call Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111

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