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Guillotines erected in Ipswich to deter criminals

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Guillotine Ipswich

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Four new guillotines are being erected in Ipswich as part of a tough crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

The sturdy structures are now in place, and Suffolk police are just waiting for the terrifying angled blades to arrive from France.

Executioners have already been hired, with many willing volunteers from certain local Facebook groups all happy to offer their services.

A police insider said heads of the hapless criminals would be displayed on spikes around the newly-refurbished Cornhill, as a deterrent to others.

Ipswich is a popular destination for street drinkers, drug dealers, beggars and residents who seem to think their anti-social behaviour is acceptable.

Now, they face summary execution in the town square, recently part of a multi-million-pound improvement programme, without trial.

Local councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is the ultimate deterrent to local criminals.

“The guillotines were highly effective when used in France during the French Revolution. They were an option for the death penalty until as late as 1981, so it’s quite a modern technique.”

The guillotines have been built for £20,000 each, but council bosses say the cost has already been recouped by selling the exclusive execution broadcast rights to Sky Sports.

The Who Ipswich

Not my generation
Meanwhile, some wags say the horrific-looking structures, which appear to be rather basic slabs of concrete, will be perfect for those wishing to relieve themselves after one too many drinks.

It is suggested that Ipswich town centre will soon look like the iconic cover to The Who’s album, Who’s Next, pictured above.

“What could possibly go wrong?” asked an office worker on his way to lunch today.

Richard Baker obituary Haiku

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BBC news reader Richard Baker

Former BBC news reader Richard Baker has died, aged 93. The well-known journalist first broadcast in 1954, and was a mainstay of British front rooms, relaying world events.

It is fitting, therefore, that he should be remembered in this Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, by Richard Standen

Have you heard the news?
Richard Baker’s last headline
It’s goodnight from him.

Richard Baker OBE RD, BBC news broadcaster
Born: 15th June 1925, Willesden, Middlesex, England
Died: 17th November 2018, Oxford, England

Norfolk man steps into Odor-Eaters, disappears

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Norfolk man odor eaters

Police are searching for a Norfolk man who stepped into a pair of Odor-Eaters and disappeared.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The popular shoe accessory promises to make human smells vanish, and absorb sweat.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, from Downham Market, was gifted the Odor-Eaters as an anniversary present.

But instead of keeping his clogs smelling sweetly of roses, the product devoured his whole stinking body.

Norfolk Police say one minute he was standing in the kitchen of the house he shares with his sister and their eight children, and the next all that was left was his two wooden clogs and a pile of dust.

A spokesman said: “These Odor-Eaters really are effective at getting rid of nasty smells.

“It is perhaps advisable to use them with caution in Norfolk.”

People in Norfolk only shower once a year, even if they don’t need it.

Company spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Spuckler’s sister is devastated, and we are helping her as best we can.

“She has another brother, Billy Bob, who has come round to comfort her.”

The shocking news comes only days after the Suffolk Gazette revealed how a nine-year-old girl vanished after trying a skin cream that makes you 10 years younger.

Don’t get us a piano for Christmas, warn Britain’s children

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John Lewis Elton John Christmas piano

Britain’s kids have appealed to their parents NOT to get them a boring piano for Christmas, it has emerged.

They spoke out after the new John Lewis advert showed how a five-year-old Elton John getting a piano for Christmas changed his life.

“It’s not the effing 1950s,” complained Josh Fisher, aged seven, from Suffolk.

“Playing the piano is so boring. Who wants to do that anymore? I want a new Xbox, loads of games, an electric go-kart and a new bike.

“If my parents get me a piano, I’ll be furious and never speak to them again.”

Elton John and JOhn Lewis advert

Sad song: Sir Elton and John Lewis

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, saw the new John Lewis Christmas TV ad featuring Elton John when it was released this morning.

“I was moved to tears,” she said. “So much so that I rushed out to buy some tickets for his new tour.

“It’s quite clear that if I buy a piano for Josh, he’ll love it and go on to become an international celebrity.”

The television ad shows Sir Elton today looking sadly at his piano keyboard. It then has clips of some of his biggest career moments, features a young Elton playing piano at a school concert, and ends with him being given his gift-wrapped piano on Christmas morning, aged around five.

“Hopefully mum realises what a daft idea it would be to buy me one,” asserted Josh.

“Anyway, John Lewis doesn’t even sell pianos.”

Stan Lee obituary Haiku

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Stan Lee obituary haiku

No sooner had we reported the news of Douglas Rain’s death (the voice of Hal) than news emerged that Stan Lee, legendary creator of Marvel Comics, had died, aged 94.

It’s fitting that the Spiderman and other superheroes creator should receive a special Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, written by Richard Standen.

Kerpow! Stan Lee dies.
Captain Comic hangs up cape.
He was marvellous.

Stan Lee, American comic book writer
Born: December 28, 1922, New York City, United States
Died: November 12, 2018, Los Angeles, United States

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2001: A Space Odyssey Hal’s obituary Haiku

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Hal space odyssey

It’s been a while since the last Suffolk Gazette Haiku obituary. But then came the news that Douglas Rain, the voice behind Hal, the sinister computer in the classic sci-fi movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, had died.

Here’s your memorial Haiku from our tribute writer, Richard Standen.

2001
Space Odyssey completed.
Hal, disconnected.

Hal 9000 (Douglas Rain)
Born: March 13, 1928, Winnipeg, Canada
Died: November 11 2018, Ontario, Canada

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Brexit Day exposed: here’s what you need to know about leaving the EU

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Brexit Day is coming in less than a year. This means, very soon, the UK will be leaving the European Union (EU). If you’re like many Brits, you might not have the foggiest idea of what Brexit will mean for you or the nation. To help clear things up a little, here’s an easy guide to Brexit and a basic run down of everything you need to know about leaving the EU.

What is Brexit and how did it come about?

Brexit, or the more formally official “British exit from the European Union”, is the UK’s impending withdrawal from the EU. It is the result that followed the historic United Kingdom European Union membership referendum, or more simply, the EU referendum, that took place on the 23rd of June, 2016.

More than 30 million UK residents took part in the referendum and the Leave vote won by 51.9%. This outcome prompted the British exit (Brexit) and two things immediately happened. First, the then Prime Minister, David Cameron, resigned. Second, the pound fell to its lowest level since 1985.

The next two notable things that followed soon after were Theresa May became the Prime Minister, and many British citizens who did and did not partake in the EU referendum, suddenly realised they have no idea what Brexit is and what leaving the EU will mean for them.

What does a no-deal Brexit mean?

The Brexit process officially began on 29 March, 2017 and will continue until Brexit Day, 29 March 2019, when the UK is scheduled to leave the EU at 11pm. At present, no deals have been made, which could result in a no-deal (hard) Brexit, a big concern for many.

If you don’t know what that means, you’re not alone. In fact, fair advocate and online casino PlayOJO revealed that research from a recent poll has shown that more than two thirds of Brits don’t feel up to date with the negotiations and the government’s latest Brexit proposal.

Feeling that things could be better explained, in their recent campaign, PlayOJO delivers “Brexit facts” with the help of British entrepreneur and reality TV personality, Luisa Zissman, and Professor Alex de Ruyter, Director of the Birmingham City University Centre for Brexit Studies.

Essentially, on the most basic level, Zissman explains that a no-deal Brexit will result in temporary supply shortages of food and other items imported from other EU countries. Moreover, imports are likely to be higher priced. That said, these consequences are quite minor compared to other ways Brexit may affect the UK’s future.

How Brexit may affect the UK’s future

Here’s a better look at how Brexit could impact the UK in the future:

– Brexit is expected to slow UK growth to 1.6% in 2020, and is forecasted to cost an extra £3 million over two years in exit fees, according to UK Treasuring Chief Phillip Hammond.
– Unless some form of deal is made, Britain is likely to lose its free-trade status with the EU members. Without free-trade, exports from Britain will be higher priced and less competitive than other EU country exports.
– Housing prices are likely to fall (and have started already).
– Jobs are likely to be lost and young Brits could have a harder time finding jobs in other EU countries.
– Trade and travel to Ireland will become more complicated.

And these are just some of the consequences that may result from Brexit.

Is there any way back?

Some people wish there was. Studies have found that millions of Leave voters now wish they could change their vote to stay in the EU. Meanwhile some groups are campaigning for Brexit to be stopped and for another referendum to be held.

Also, just recently, a People’s Vote march was held, in which 700,000 showed up to demand a people’s vote on the final terms of any Brexit deal.

That being said, as things stand now, the simple answer is there’s no way back. Deal or no deal, the people of the UK voted and Brexit is happening.

Girl, 9, disappears using cream that makes you ten years younger

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after trying a moisturising cream that makes you ten years younger.

Suffolk Police are now searching for Lilly Fisher, who was last seen in her bedroom on Friday.

Worried mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, was surprised the cream worked.

“You normally take these things with a pinch of salt, but for once the moisturising cream did what it said on the tin.”

Police said Lilly had been given the cream on her birthday and was keen to try it out.

girl disappears
Missing: Lilly Fisher

She wiped the moisturiser on her face and lost ten years instantly.

A police spokesman said: “We are appealing for everyone to keep an eye out for Lilly. When the cream wears off, she’ll reappear again.”

>>READ: Police Apache helicopter accidentally blows up vicarage<<

The beauty business is being urged to make it clear that people aged nine and under should not use a cream that makes them ten years younger.

Retail expert Steve Walshe said: “With Christmas approaching, we’d urge parents to study products closely before buying for their children.”

Ms Fisher believes Lilly is still around her home in Woodbridge, Suffolk somewhere. She just doesn’t know where.

“The cream makers, Wrinkle Wise, say the effects should wear off in a few more days.”

The news comes just months after it was revealed the World Hide and Seek Champion had been found dead in a cupboard.

Make your gift worries vanish

Yes, here’s the solution you’ve been looking for. Buy a cool mug, approved by the Suffolk Gazette, for one of your friends or relatives and make your worries disappear. Browse the Dirty Old Goat mugs website, or buy direct from the lovely goodies below. All mugs come with free UK delivery.