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Norfolk people evolve just one toe

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Norfolk feet

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Startling new research reveals Norfolk people have evolved from having six toes on each foot to just one.

Photographic evidence smuggled south of the border to Suffolk shows the bizarre secret hidden inside their clogs.

Experts say it’s likely that, over, time, the webbing between Norfolk people’s toes simply fused into one mass.

This then evolved into just one big toe, it has emerged.

Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Norfolk Behavioural Studies professor at Suffolk Institute, said: “This is a rare photograph.

“At first we thought it was a freak of nature, but our enquiries reveal around 45% of the Norfolk population now has just one big toe.”

It is understood the evolution surprise has affected their ability to balance while standing up.

“For many years we had thought they were swaying under the influence of too much turnip hooch,” explained Dr Fisher.

The one-toe phenomenon is believed to have started in isolated west Norfolk but has now spread across the county.

It is believed locals now use garden shears to cut their one gigantic toenail.

S.O.S. was Theresa May’s Tory conference ABBA song of choice

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Theresa May ABBA

Prime Minister Theresa May had to be talked out of walking on stage at the Conservative conference to ABBA’s hit, S.O.S.

Party managers persuaded her that Dancing Queen was more appropriate because S.O.S. is a distress signal.

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This is the real story behind Mrs May dancing maniacally on to the stage before giving her showpiece speech today.

Downing Street spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Prime Minister hadn’t twigged that coming on stage for her big speech to S.O.S. was a bad idea.

“We managed to persuade her at the last minute to switch to Dancing Queen.

“We told her she could pretend it was self-mocking about her horrific dancing while in South Africa.

“But can you imagine the field day the press would have had with S.O.S.?

“It’s not like we’re in any distress, is it?”

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Other ABBA hits that would have caused issues included Voulez-Vous, seeing as we currently don’t like the French.

Money, Money, Money was also a no-no because no-one has any.

It is currently unknown what the stars of ABBA, the 1970s and 1980s music sensation, made of one of their biggest hits being used as Conservative Party propaganda.

Charles Aznavour obituary Haiku

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Charles Aznavour obituary

It’s been a busy day for the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen. No sooner had he penned his tribute to Rainbow children’s TV star Geoffrey Hayes, than French crooner Charles Aznavour died, aged 94.

Here is the tribute to Monsieur Aznavour, the French Frank Sinatra, who sold more than 100 million records in 80 countries.

“Thanks Charles Aznavour
‘She’ the song we’ll not forget,
your chanson d’amour.”

Charles Aznavour
Born: 2 May, 1924 Paris, France
Died: 1 October 2018 Mouriès, France

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Geoffrey Hayes obituary Haiku

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Rainbow star Geoffrey Hayes

With the sad news that Geoffrey Hayes, the human face of children’s television show Rainbow, has died aged 76, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen offers his tribute.

“Zippy, George, Bungle’s
last wave to Geoffrey. Somewhere
over the Rainbow.”

Rainbow, featuring Zippy, Bungle and George, ran for 25 years, covering 1,000 shows.

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But perhaps the most famous episode was this one, created for fun by the staff one Christmas, and certainly never meant for public viewing. Apologies for the quality!

Geoffrey Hayes
Born: 13 March, 1942, Stockport, Cheshire
Died: 1 October, 2018

World hide and seek champion found dead in wardrobe

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

World hide and seek champion Darren Hayes has been found dead in a wardrobe, police have confirmed.

Officers say Mr Hayes, 37, disappeared two weeks ago while training for the next world championships.

They say he was practising with members of his family – but he was so good they were unable to find him.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Officers were called to an address in Haverhill, Suffolk after the discovery of a man’s body in a wardrobe.

“Unfortunately, Darren Hayes lay undiscovered for weeks while training for the hide and seek world championships.

“His family had looked under the bed, behind the curtains and even behind the door, but none of them had thought to check the wardrobe.

“It’s this sort of skill which makes a hide and seek world champion – but unfortunately, it was also the death of him.”

World Hide and seek champion

It is believed that Mr Hayes’ family got bored and stopped looking for him after four hours.

But rather than give himself up, plumber Mr Hayes stayed quietly in the wardrobe for as long as he could.

Tragically be died from dehydration and was only found when his wife, Eleanor went to hang up some shirts.

“It’s awfully sad,” said Mrs Hayes. “But he was so good at hiding that none of us thought to check in the wardrobe.

“But it’s how he would have wanted to go.”

My Hayes also leaves two children – Darren Jr, 10 and eight-year-old Jasmin.

The next Hide and Seek World Championship is due to be held in Bristol next month.

With Mr Hayes, who has won the title for four years in a row, now dead, French hider Pierre L’Escargot is the red-hot favourite to win the title.

Ryder Cup sensation: shouting ‘get in the hole’ does not work

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By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

Shouting “get in the hole” after a golfer has hit his shot does not actually make the ball go in the hole, it has emerged.

Exclusive research carried out by Suffolk University boffins has confirmed the inane hollering never works.

Fans in France this weekend for the Ryder Cup continue to shout “get in the hole” after every single shot.

Even wayward drives and other miss-hits are followed by idiots in the gallery yelling “get in the hole”.

Even Rory McIlroy’s drives on a par 5 do not ‘get in the hole’ (Photo: TourProGolfClubs CC)
Suffolk University academics were asked to investigate if this behaviour influenced the trajectory of the golf ball.

“No it doesn’t,” confirmed professor of sporting dynamics Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34.

She continued: “The ball will not get in the hole because some half-pissed and over-excited American bloke is shouting at it.

“All the shouting influences is the common-held opinion that many golf fans are complete idiots.”

The news comes just days after golf giant Titleist revealed it had entered a stunning sponsorship deal with Sizewell B nuclear power station.

Norfolk villagers reject ‘sun-guzzling’ solar farm

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Solar farm Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

A group of Norfolk villagers scuppered plans for a new solar farm over fears it would “guzzle” all the energy from the sun.

The campaign group, led by brothers Bubba and Billy Bob Spuckler, feared the sky would darken and their turnip crop would fail if the solar farm was launched.

Green energy giant Bootfiful Sunshine Ltd had applied to build a 40-acre plant consisting of 800 panels to power up to 5,000 homes at Downham Market.

But locals were unimpressed, and forced district planners to turn down the proposal.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, who lives on his smallholding with his sister and their eight children, said: “Bootiful Sunshine took us for fools, but we could see through their trickery.

“Using 800 solar panels would guzzle up all the sunshine in these parts. We would not see any sunlight, and without sunlight, our crops would fail. Who would put turnips on people’s plates then?

“I’m not even convinced this electricity thing will take off, but if it does they should open these solar farms in the middle of the sea, or in Scotland where nobody lives.”

A spokesman for Bootful Sunshine said they had tried to educate the local Norfolk population and prove that solar farms do not actually take the sunlight away.

“We offered to drive the Spuckler brothers to see a similar solar farm operation in Suffolk, but they said they had never traveled internationally.”

A spokesman for the planning committee at King’s Lynn and West Norfolk Borough Council said councilors expected a revised solar application within months.

Women across Britain have unexpectedly turned the heating on

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Britain keeps the heating on

Britain’s women have seized the initiative and unexpectedly turned on the central heating, it has emerged.

The annual household battle for control of the thermostat is normally waged across Britain in October.

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But chilly weather this weekend has seen women sneakily switching on the heating before men had even got out of bed.

Lorriane Fisher, 34, a woman, said: “It’s absolutely freezing, so I’ve put the heating on. Only on a low setting, obviously.

“My husband tried to turn it off again, mumbling something about the bills.

“But I turned it back on again, mumbling something about no dinner.”

Weather experts say the cold snap will only last a day or so before temperatures rise again.

It’s expected to hit 21 degrees on Thursday when everyone will be remarking about how hot it is.

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The news comes after it emerged that the world’s coldest woman lives in Ipswich.