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Southwold lighthouse makeover will ‘attract common visitors’

The Editor
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Southwold lighthouse makeover will ‘attract common visitors’

Southwold lighthouse chav attraction

Southwold lighthouse has undergone a makeover as the posh Suffolk resort bids to attract more “working class” visitors – just like the ones who go to Great Yarmouth.

Councillors are proud of their resort’s quaint image but need extra footfall to raise cash to pay for their sky-high property prices.

While looking jealously at visitor numbers to Norfolk’s downmarket Great Yarmouth, Southwold tourist bosses decided to experiment with dumbing down themselves.

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They have placed a giant 25-foot wide Burberry baseball cap – a favourite ‘Chav’ garment – on top of their lighthouse.

And to polish it off, they added a huge Stella Artois logo as well, believing the strong lager is the preferred drink of the common man.

But locals are furious, saying no working class people should ever be allowed anywhere near Southwold.

Piers Farquar-Churchill, 68, a retired City banker, told the Suffolk Gazette: “The lighthouse now looks hideous – if they had to put a beer on, it should have been Adnams, the local brew.

“But that’s not the point – we simply do not want sweaty common people here.”

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Town councillors say they are looking forward to welcoming the newcomers.

One explained: “We have made a coach park because they will obviously all arrive on buses. We assume they cannot afford motor cars.

“We are not sure what they will find to enjoy here, but once we’ve got them we can charge them the earth, so who cares?”

Suffolk chav Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Whatevva.”

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England prepares for inevitable draw against Tunisia

The Editor
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England prepares for inevitable draw against Tunisia

England prepare

England fans are preparing for the inevitable disappointment of scraping a draw against lowly Tunisia.

As our World Cup campaign kicks off in Russia tonight, the 1-1 result is already beyond doubt.

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Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “So, this is what’s going to happen.

“England will have all the possession for the first 20 minutes and we’ll all think we’re going to win the World Cup.

“But then Tunisia will get a shock goal, scored by some bloke no-one has ever heard of.

“England’s players will then go into a blind panic, hoofing the ball long and running around like headless chickens.

“Harry Kane will start taking corners again.

“Everyone in Scotland will be pissing themselves.

“But that’s a bit rich, considering they didn’t event qualify – if you recall, the Islamic State claimed responsibility for Scotland’s World Cup exit.

“Then, with two minutes left on the clock, we’ll squeak an equaliser when all looked lost.

“While we’ll all be too drunk to listen, the TV pundits will find lots of positives, saying how we’re unbeaten and can take lots of energy into the Panama game.”

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Sports scientist Steve Walshe said that as Brazil, Germany and Argentina had all failed to win their opening matches so far, it was a dead certainty that England would bottle it as well.

“However, I predict a draw. After all, England did manage a point against Costa Rica four years ago.”

Some fans are still questioning manager Gareth Southgate’s squad, after veterans Fear and Abject-Failure were selected to travel to Russia.

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Nudist camp guest castrated by giant cactus

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Nudist camp guest castrated by giant cactus

Nudist castrated

By Phil McCracken

A giant cactus has been removed from a Suffolk nudist camp after an “unfortunate incident” left a male guest in agony.

The gentleman was enjoying a game of mixed cricket when he turned around to chase the ball – and ran straight into the prickly plant.

One of the fearsome six-inch spines pierced his testicles, ripping them off and leaving them dangling like baubles on a Christmas tree.

Fellow guests at the Club Freedom resort near Lowestoft watched in horror as the scene unfolded.

One, who asked not to be named, said: “One minute the poor chap was enjoying a harmless game of cricket, the next his crown jewels had become detached and left on display for all to see.

“The cactus was a feature in the well-kept grounds, but staff soon turned up to remove it.

“They can’t have guests getting castrated every five minutes.”

The man, said to be aged in his fifties, had been staying at the nudist camp with his 80-year-old girlfriend.

He was rushed to Lowestoft Hospital, but there was nothing surgeons could do to save his private parts.

Other than having an irrational fear of prickly greenery, and being unable to have any more children, he is expected to make a full recovery.

Resort owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was devastated by the incident.

She said: “The giant cactus has been a feature in our grounds for decades. We’ve never had anything happen like this before.

“The worst we’ve had is the occasional sunburn issue.

“We have offered the guest and his wife a full refund.”

‘I’ll press nuclear button like this’, Trump warns Kim Jong-un

The Editor
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‘I’ll press nuclear button like this’, Trump warns Kim Jong-un

Trump to press nuclear button

US President Donald Trump showed Kim Jong-un exactly how he would destroy North Korea if the rogue state stitched him up at their historic meeting.

A visibly shocked Mr Jong-un watched as Mr Trump gesticulated how he would press his very big nuclear button.

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And the message was clear: mess with the United States and you’re toast.

The pair met in Singapore for face-to-face talks, a summit that many said could never happen.

With the two having traded insults with each other, the delicate talks were on a knife-edge.

But Mr Trump put Mr Jong-un in his place by threatening him with immediate nuclear destruction.

Associated Press journalist Lorraine Fisher, 34, who was covering the meeting said: “The pair met and shook hands, and it seemed everything was going as planned.

“But then Mr Trump couldn’t resist threatening to Nuke the North Korean leader.

“He held up him thumb and said, ‘This is how I’ll push the button’.

“It took a moment or two before the translator got the message across to Kim Jong-un, and did not seem amused.”

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However, the chilling threat appeared to have worked, because the rest of the summit went off without a hitch.

Mr Jong-un did remind Mr Trump that he had a pet cat in his office back in Pyongyang that could accidentally step on his own nuclear button at any time.

The pair of leaders shook hands, ate lunch and talked about prospects for the World Cup, before going their separate ways.

Mr Jong-un, who loves playing FIFA 18 on his Xbox, had asked Mr Trump to be quick about lowering sanctions because he had lost so much money at his trip the previous evening to a casino in Singapore.

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First British jet since Brexit, the Squitfire faces ridicule

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First British jet since Brexit, the Squitfire faces ridicule

Squitfire jet fighter

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Buyers at an international arms fair were unimpressed with the first jet fighter Britain has produced after Brexit.

The event in Jordan, attended by representatives of countries looking to invest billions in their defences, showcased Britain’s entry in the aircraft section.

Dubbed the Squitfire, the jet is all Britain’s beleaguered defence industry can afford.

It can boast speeds of up to 75mph and reach heights of 45 feet before the pilot begins to black out from the effort of pedalling.

But what makes it a laughing-stock is the fact that firepower is limited to the pistol kept in a cockpit pouch.

When up against the US Air Force F-16, or the Eurofighter Typhoon (top speed 1,550mph), the Squitfire is a sad reflection of modern-day Britain.

Defence expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Britain’s entry into the Jordan Arms Fair was embarrassing. The Squitfire is like something out of Dad’s Army and has no place in a modern air force.”

Norfolk-based defence manufacturer Colmans BAE is behind the Squitfire, the same company behind the equally useless Gentle Breeze fighter jet, which also flopped at an arms fair last year.

Unbelievably, Colmans BAE, which is based at Downham Market, was also behind the Raleigh Tank, which flopped when even the British Army refused to buy it.

A spokesman said: “I am afraid that post Brexit we cannot hope to compete with the Europeans and their Eurofighter.

“Our plane may not have all the bells and whistles, but it can fly, and that’s something to celebrate.”

An insider at the Ministry of Defence said: “People need to stop running Britain down.

“We have a fine tradition of building brilliant planes, ships and tanks for our armed forces, and nothing is changing after Brexit.

“It may look a little rough around the edges, but the Squitfire has some endearing qualities. I’ll be sure to let you know when I’ve found them.”

‘Missing’ Melania Trump was holidaying in Suffolk caravan

The Editor
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‘Missing’ Melania Trump was holidaying in Suffolk caravan

Melania Trump in Suffolk

WORLD EXCLUSIVE
First Lady Melania Trump was not ‘missing’ for 24 days – she was enjoying a secret holiday in a caravan on the Suffolk coast.

Mrs Trump had undergone a minor operation in Washington and needed somewhere quiet to recuperate, away from prying eyes.

And President Donald Trump, aware that his new friend, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has a Suffolk caravan, thought it would build bridges if his beautiful wife did the same.

Melania spent 15 nights in an unassuming Hulse Ross static caravan at the site near Sizewell, overlooking the North Sea.

The holiday home has two bedrooms, a kitchenette and even boasts in indoor loo and shower.

Fellow holidaymakers, including families with young children enjoying the half-term holiday, had no idea about the world-famous guest on the site.

Armed secret service personnel hired the caravan on either side of Mrs Trump’s to ensure her safety.

She spent many days happily exploring the Suffolk coastal path, and walked as far south as posh Aldeburgh, and ventured north all the way to Dunwich, where she enjoyed sampling a pint of Adnams beer at the Ship Inn.

Mrs Trump was spotted in Aldeburgh, browsing the book shop, by a Suffolk Gazette reader.

But we agreed to keep her visit a secret until she was safely back in the United States.

She refused an interview, but as a thank you for respecting her privacy, Mrs Trump issued us with this statement.

“I enjoyed my time in Suffolk very much. The people are much friendlier than in Washington. I had fish and chips, walked on the beach, and thought the area was lovely. It was an experience staying in one of your caravans, and I even thought the nearby town of Leiston was interesting.”

Mrs Trump made her first public appearance in America for 24 days yesterday, attending a meeting at the Federal Emergency Management Agency headquarters in Washington for a briefing to discuss preparedness ahead of the 2018 hurricane season.

Mr Trump told pressmen and repeated on Twitter that there had been nothing suspicious about his wife’s absence for so long, blaming it on her benign kidney condition.

He made no mention of her exciting trip to stay in her Suffolk caravan park.

The park’s owners refused to discuss their VIP visitor, or disclose if she had paid full price for her stay.

Study to reveal why Cromer people walk sideways

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Study to reveal why Cromer people walk sideways

Cromer

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The mystery of why people from Cromer walk sideways could be solved by a major university-funded study.

East Anglia University is hoping to solve the riddle, which has perplexed experts and visitors to Norfolk for hundreds of years.

Tourists at the North Norfolk resort, famous for its pier and crabbing competitions, find it hilarious that locals shuffle sideways rather than walk in a straight line like everyone else.

The university’s head of human behavioural sciences, Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said her department had received a “substantial grant” from a leading player in the genetics industry.

“This money will mean our team of academics and students can visit Cromer and begin a series of interviews and tests on the locals.

“There is quite clearly an oddity in their DNA that causes this sideways walking.

“While it is comical to those witnessing it for the first time, it does have many drawbacks.

“For example, it takes them twice as long to get anywhere, and if a resident has bad eyesight in one eye, they will often bump into things.”

Dr Fisher added: “This can lead to a few upsets and local people can be quite crabby.”

Local Bubba Spuckler was not happy about the study.

“Why can’t these people just leave us alone. We’re not circus freaks,” he said.

Visitor Jonny Brampton said: “I couldn’t believe it when I first saw all the local wandering about like that. But you soon get used to them.”

Pavements in Cromer were replaced by sidewalks many years ago.

The news comes just days after the Suffolk Gazette revealed Norfolk’s prolific six-fingered spin bowler was being investigated by cricket’s ruling body, the ECB.

Greater Anglia introduces newfangled steam trains

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Greater Anglia introduces newfangled steam trains

greater anglia train

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia has pre-empted any Government-enforced timetable changes by upgrading its locos in Norfolk and Suffolk to steam trains.

Eight of these smart new steam trains have been purchased to drag its passenger services into the modern age.

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Railway bosses hope the sleek new coal-guzzling locomotives, which can reach dizzying top speeds of 65mph, will persuade the Government not to impose timetable changes like it has elsewhere in Britain.

Hard-pressed passengers, including thousands of regular commuters into London, have been calling for rolling stock upgrades for years.

Steam trains

But many say the new steam trains are not the answer.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who commutes from Ipswich to the capital five days a week, said: “These newfangled trains will change nothing.

“There will still be delays, cancellations because staff are not available, leaves on the line, the wrong kind of rain – all the usual excuses.”

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Insiders at Greater Anglia say the new trains will head off any Government pressure to change timetables in order to improve journey times.

That has prompted chaos on other lines run by Northern Rail, Thameslink and Southern, among others.

“We have brought the Greater Anglia fleet into the modern age with these steam trains.

“Next we will be adding updated carriages behind the locomotive, to include modern conveniences such as windows and seats.”

Greater Anglia has suffered from delays to many of its services for years, but it manages to introduce its annual ticket increases bang on time every year.

Toymaker Hornby has been so impressed with the rail firm that it introduced a Greater Anglia rail replacement bus set to its range.

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