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Is Santiago Munez set to return to St James’ Park?

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St James Park Newcastle united stadium

For much of the last two decades, Newcastle have endured a period of instability. With proposed takeovers falling through and various protests taking place, the Magpies’ faithful appeared to be at their wits’ end and their club seemingly stuck in a period of mediocrity.

However, Mike Ashley looks to have stumbled across a much-loved icon capable of transforming the four-time league winners’ fortunes. Of course, it’s none other than the actor who played Santiago Munez’s in Goal!, Kuno Becker. So, let’s consider if this would be a sensible appointment. 

A movie star with tremendous pulling power  

Upon the release of the film in 2005, the character of Munez became something of a cult hero in the football world. Newcastle’s best player since the turn of the millennium enjoyed an illustrious career, albeit away from St James’ Park, winning the Champions League on numerous occasions with Real Madrid alongside the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Guti, and Zinedine Zidane. Perhaps most impressively, the Mexican scored a Puskas Award-contending goal on his debut for Madrid.  

Unfortunately, because Munez is a fictional creation, Ashley can’t hire the on-screen icon to lead the Magpies transfer business under Steve Bruce. However, it’s thought that the trophy-winning player’s actor, Becker, could be in line for the job. Best known for his role as the Mexican footballer, the 42-year-old doesn’t appear ready to part ways with Munez, having written a script for a fourth installment of the franchise.

Crucially, what Becker lacks in real-world football knowledge and negotiating skills, he more than makes up for in inspiration and nostalgia. In becoming a big-screen hero of Newcastle United, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that he could return the Magpies to the pinnacle of English football if appointed as the club’s sporting director.  

Callum Wilson couldn’t hide his delight at following in Munez’s footsteps 

Even though it would be an unprecedented move in world football, there are already indications that such a decision would be advantageous to Newcastle’s future. In the 2020 summer transfer window, the Magpies were competing with Aston Villa for the signature of former Bournemouth striker, Callum Wilson. In making his decision to move to St. James’ Park, the 28-year-old cited the importance of Becker’s character, Munez.

By his own admission, Wilson admitted that, after watching Goal! with his son, he decided that Newcastle were the club for him. While Becker’s on-screen contributions have seen the Magpies sign a Premier League-proven goalscorer, he’s also played a part in weakening Bournemouth’s efforts to return to the top-flight at the first time of asking. As of September 18th, the Cherries are currently priced at 10/1 to win the league with Championship betting, behind Brentford, Norwich, and Watford. 

Ashley should be praised for considering a different strategy 

In recent years, Premier League football has been dictated by finances. However, the appointment of Munez’s actor, Becker, would break the trend. Ultimately, Ashley should receive some credit for seeking to take Newcastle in a different direction concerning their recruitment. Moreover, if Wilson’s signing is indicative of what could be to come, then there should be reason for optimism should they go ahead with a sporting director based in fiction.

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Water bed burst as couple romped

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An Ipswich couple whose delux water bed burst during a moment of passion are taking legal action for damages.

Ben and Sofia Darlington, of Corder Road, fell through their bedroom ceiling onto the kitchen table below when the bed suddenly “exploded”.

Thousands of gallons of water poured into the kitchen, blowing all the electrical circuits with a terrifying bang.

The drama was heard by passing postman Jim Keeble, who looked through the kitchen to see if anyone was hurt.

He saw Mrs Darlington, 32, laying naked across the table with her husband, 34, slumped over her wearing a Superman top. The shocked postie is now off work for counselling.

Luckily the Darlingtons were unhurt, but they are now suing water bed maker Watership Eiderdown for damages.

Mr Darlington, who works at Willis, said: “We only got the bed on Saturday and made sure we followed the assembly instructions to the letter.

On Monday morning we woke up and one thing led to another, and just at the worst moment the bed burst.

“I like to think I can make the earth move, but this was ridiculous.”

The couple are suing for thousands of pounds for repairs to the kitchen ceiling, redecorating, and their semi-detached house’s electrics.

They are also seeking damages for the emotional stress they suffered when the postmen saw them spreadeagled naked on the kitchen table.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Watership Eiderdown said: “Our engineers are investigating. However, we believe the customers overfilled the bed.”

Asked if he was confident the company would win a court battle, she said: “We’re quite buoyant.”

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Man disappointed after ordering 34-year-old escort online

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Lonely Steve Walshe was left frustrated when he went online and ordered a 34-year-old escort with a good body.

After getting ready for a night of conversation and female company, he opened the door of his Woodbridge, Suffolk home to find a 1986 Ford Escort car on the driveway.

“It did indeed have a good body for its age, with no sign of rust,” disappointed Steve, 49, explained.

“But it was not the type of escort I was after.

“Since my wife left me four years ago, I have been lonely and needed some female company.

“I found this site called Lorraine Fisher, 34, Suffolk Escort and it seemed just what I was after.

“But after much anticipation, it turned out I was to spend the evening with a beige vintage car instead.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I think he got his websites mixed up. I am not an old banger, although I have been round the block a few times.”

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Home remodel ideas you can do before winter

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Home renovation is essential for extending the longevity of old residential buildings.

The renovation of these old constructions is more crucial during the winter when heavy snowfall can ruin unstable parts of a house.  A house owner should be aware of all aspects of home renovation that need the utmost attention before the onset of winter.

Replace with laminate flooring – Since wooden floors wear off with the passing time, it is best to replace the damaged tiles with laminate flooring. This laminate floor surface is highly resistant to stains, chemicals, moisture, and high temperature, rendering to low maintenance and better durability of this floor.  It is also easy to install the laminate boards over subfloors and the installation needs less time than other flooring materials. The laminate flooring also looks much better than other flooring types, due to a larger variety of colors and grain patterns.

Upgrade of kitchen and bathroom – As kitchen and bathroom urgently need renovation in most houses, homeowners should make sure of remodeling these places with the latest designs. The worn-out cabinets, vanities, and countertops should be replaced with new ones of larger dimensions. All faded surfaces may be freshly painted according to the new color scheme.  Damaged tiles of floors, walls, and splashback should be replaced to get a new look at these spaces. 

Repair of HVAC system – Old air conditioners and room heaters need to be repaired and serviced regularly to keep these electronic devices functional and to reduce the monthly energy bills. Thus, the servicing of these heating and cooling systems is essential during the home renovation. Sometimes, too malfunctioning HVAC appliances may need to be replaced with new models. 
Addition of crown molding – The crown molding is the decorative form of cornice installed over doors, windows, columns, and cabinets. These moldings protect these interior structures from snowfall during winter. Hence, old moldings should be repainted to make these structures stronger and more durable. The width of crown moldings depends on the height of the ceilings from floor surfaces.

Replacement of old bathroom features – Old faucets, sinks, and showerheads of bathrooms need to be replaced with new ones during the home renovation. Homeowners should buy only the best quality plumbing materials from reputed manufacturers. The faucets and sinks of the latest designs may make bathrooms more comfortable for residents. 

The walls and ceilings of the living room, bedrooms, and dining space, are freshly painted with the addition of stylish home décor items. Usually, neutral colors and lighter shades are preferred for low maintenance and elegant look of the home interior. 

New James Bond to be played by Muslim woman in a burka

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Jameela Bond

New James Bond to be played by Muslim woman in a burka. The name’s Bond, Jameela Bond.

James Bond is to be replaced by a burka-wearing Muslim woman as producers look to reflect modern Britain.

The switch to Jameela Bond is perfect for a top-secret agent because mad criminals trying to take over the world would never know her identity.

Bond producer Barbara Broccoli is now scouring talent agencies looking for an athletic woman in a burka who can drive fast cars and flirt with Miss Moneypenny.

The news comes as actor Tom Hardy is being tipped elsewhere for the coveted James Bond role when Daniel Craig hangs up his pistol.

While most people have welcomed the change to a Muslim woman, agreeing it’s a perfect reflection of Britain’s diversity, some are not so pleased.

Nearly 50 Daily Mail readers were hospitalised this morning after choking on their cornflakes.

And Boris Johnson has claimed the move will make the film franchise “a laughing-stock”.

Suffolk film critic Lorraine Fisher, 34, said the switch to Jameela Bond would transform the character originally created by Ian Fleming.

“There’s been arguments that James Bond should be played by a black man, a Muslim or woman.

“Nobody saw this one coming, but making the agent a Muslim woman in a burka is brilliant.”

Bosses hope to sign up the new Jameela Bond soon.

And they will then begin work on the next film, a remake of the classic For Your Eyes Only.

My music is not contagious at all, insists Van Morrison

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van morrison
Van Morrison: You are safe from my music (Photo: Jarle Vines under CC BY-SA 3.0)

Legendary musician Van Morrison claimed today his music was not contagious and sweeping across the nation.

The singer-songwriter insisted there was no danger of anyone catching on to his music at all.

Spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “All the experts out there suggest the thrill of listening to Van Morrison records is being passed on from one person to another.

“But we would like to make clear there is nothing contagious about the music whatsoever. It’s all rather dreary.”

The Government today insisted that only six people at a time could listen to Northern Irishman Van Morrison’s folky hits like Brown Eyed Girl and Bright Side of the Road. That’s more than normal.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Van Morrison, 75, is releasing three songs in protest at the ongoing COVID-19 lockdown restrictions.

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Struggling John Lewis hires Spuckler brothers for cheap Christmas ad campaign

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Norfolk brothers Billy Bob and Bubba Spuckler

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Under-pressure John Lewis has hired the two Spuckler brothers from Norfolk for this year’s Christmas ad campaign.

After announcing staff would not get a bonus for the first time since 1953, the retailer could not be seen to squander millions on marketing.

John Lewis lost £635 million in the first half of this year, so as part of a cost-cutting drive, it will now feature the Spucklers in a moving advert storyline that will leave TV viewers in tears.

Bubba and Billy Bob are seen toiling over a failing turnip crop outside their hovel in Downham Market. Viewers fear the spindly brothers, who live with their five sisters and their 13 children, will surely go without food on the table at Christmas.

But just as it seems all hope is lost, a kindly, portly gentleman called Bernard Matthews turns up to their hovel with a “bootiful” turkey. The whole family is then filmed in joyous scenes, tucking into a sumptuous Christmas feast.

They all then retire to bed.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who works in the John Lewis marketing department, said: “Tricky economic conditions mean we have gone for a low budget Christmas TV ad campaign this year.

“The Spucklers agreed to be paid a sack of grain, so this year has not cost us much at all. We are sure Britain will fall in love with the Spucklers like they have our previous Christmas characters. The Spucklers could go on to be the UK equivalent of The Waltons.”

Last year, lovable John Lewis dragon Excitable Edgar won the hearts of the nation. In previous years, John Lewis featured a bouncing dog on a trampoline, a young Elton John, an old man on the moon, and a monster called Moz that lived under the bed.

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Top 7 tips to crack the Microsoft AZ-900 Certification Exam

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The Microsoft Azure Fundamentals certification exam or AZ-900 by code is designed to provide candidates with an opportunity to test their foundational knowledge of various cloud services and Azure concepts. Primarily intended for beginners, this assessment prepares them for entry-level jobs and creates a base for earning higher-level credentials.

Although AZ-400 Exams is permitted anytime, it is advisable to schedule it after you are fully prepared. Remember that it is your chance to gain the Microsoft Certified: Azure Fundamentals badge, so you have to go through thorough training to pass it on the first attempt.

Preparatory guidelines

Generally, you have to invest some effort and time in revision for any test. But why not use some tips to make this path easier? The following are the guidelines for the successful completion of the AZ-900 assessment.

1. Explore the Microsoft website

Microsoft website acts as a guiding platform with details of all certification exams. The page dedicated to September 12,2020 everything you may want to know about the test’s structure and outline, knowledge requirements, and study options.

2. Azure documentation

This section of the official site functions as a learning document for all Azure beginners. It involves detailed concepts associated with cloud ecosystems such as Agility, Fault Tolerance, etc. Also, there you’ll learn more about how to save money and time using different Azure services.

3. Microsoft’s live-class teaching

The vendor offers two instructor-led courses that last for one and two days each and cover the whole Ani Y . A major benefit of this option is that because of the live-class sessions, it guarantees a better understanding of the subject through doubt-clearing conversations.

4. Group studies and assessment forums

Although Microsoft doesn’t have a study Anna H , many other forums are there to solve your queries. Using this type of two-way communication with like-minded candidates, you help each other and gain the needed knowledge faster.

5. Guidebooks and journals

Training courses are great but don’t hesitate to supplement them with reliable guidebooks that offer extra Anya N . Some examples are the following:

  • Microsoft Azure Tutorial for Beginners (Kennan Bismar)
  • Microsoft Azure Tutorial the Ultimate Beginners Guide by Dennis Hutten

Microsoft’s official magazine “MSDN” is also an excellent resource that systematically shares articles that include real-life solutions for the latest technologies covering cloud, mobile, etc.

6. Take practice tests

To assess yourself right and analyze your level of readiness, you must take as many practice tests as possible. You can start with the official sample and if it is not enough, you will easily find more alternatives on dependable third-party sources and get yourself completely prepared.

7. Online self-study materials

Apart from guided classes, Microsoft has some online learning paths provided for free. There are several modules that are relevant to the Site >>>>>> . Also, make sure to get a subscription to Azure notifications so that you will be aware of all the latest updates.

Conclusion

The Microsoft AZ-900 test primarily analyses your basic aptitude and logical skills in cloud technologies and does not require any prior technical knowledge. But still, preparation for this exam will give you a better foundation and will help you better understand its criteria. Prepare well with the above-mentioned tips and guidelines and earn your certification in the first go!