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Buy this cool nasty bug mug and support the Suffolk Gazette

The Editor
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Buy this cool nasty bug mug and support the Suffolk Gazette
Nasty bug going around mug
Don’t be a mug, buy this mug

You can be the proud owner of this amusing mug, exclusive to the Suffolk Gazette’s partner, Dirty Old Goat. By buying one, you’ll be supporting your favourite accurate and reliable news resource (that’s us, in case you wondered).

The mugs are only £7.99 plus post and packing, and you’ll be the envy of your family or friends.

Even Lorraine Fisher, 34, has one.

You can order your mug by clicking here or on the View Product button below. This takes you to the Dirty Old Goat for purchase.

Buy now! Support your local newspaper. Stay safe!

Norfolk man with parsnip stuck up bottom was trying to find coronavirus cure

The Editor
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Norfolk man with parsnip stuck up bottom was trying to find coronavirus cure

A Norfolk man rushed to hospital with a parsnip stuck up his backside claimed he had been trying to find a cure for Covid-19.

Self-styled inventor Bubba Spuckler told shocked doctors he was experimenting with vegetables as he believed he was close to a breakthrough.

But his alleged medical work went wrong when a large seven-inch parsnip became lodged in his rectum. He was rushed to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital from his home in Downham Market, which he shares with his sister and their six children.

Hospital spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Spuckler claimed he was inventing a cure for the coronavirus.

“It’s to his credit that he was looking to help mankind, but we were not sure inserting large vegetables was ever going to bring the medical breakthrough he claimed he was seeking.”

She explained medics managed to remove the parsnip and were grateful for the face masks they had been forced to wear.

Mr Spuckler is apparently none the worse for his ordeal, but has found it difficult to sit down.

Norwich bottom of the Belarus football league

The Editor
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Norwich bottom of the Belarus football league

British football fans desperate for sporting action have turned to the last league standing in Belarus – and made a remarkable discovery.

Looking at the league standings, fans found Norwich City were propping up the table.

It can be revealed the Canaries entered a team into the Eastern European league in the hope of finally winning something. With only sixteen teams in the top flight, their chances were much better.

But the start of the new season, which has become essential viewing for everyone using online betting accounts, has not gone well.

Early defeats from Minsk and unfancied Slutsk have left Norwich rooted to the bottom of the league, just as they are in back in England, where all football is off-limits.

Belarus football executive Lorraine Fishky explained: “The Norwich City owner, Delia Smith, paid a large sum to the Belarusian Football Federation so she could enter a side into this year’s competition.

“She said it was time her club finally won a trophy but it looks like her plan is already backfiring spectacularly.

“They have a midweek clash with Vitebsk to try and get their season up and running.”

Norwich City are rock-bottom of the English Premier League, now suspended owing to the coronavirus.

Sort out your social distancing

8pm public applause for journalists to sweep the nation tonight

The Editor
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8pm public applause for journalists to sweep the nation tonight

As beloved keyworkers, Britain’s journalists will be celebrated tonight as the nation steps outside for a minute’s applause.

Just days after NHS keyworkers were applauded, and coming as another movement is launched for logistics staff, journalists will be shown just how much the country loves them.

Journalist fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I and all my neighbours will be out tonight at 8pm to clap wildly for journalists.

“They all do a fantastic job. Everyone especially loves all the tabloid journalists and the ones at the Daily Mail.”

A spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette said: “It was only a matter of the time before the nation decided to collectively show its appreciation for our noble profession.

“It’s been many years since I was given the clap.”

The growing support is being felt on Twitter with news spreading via the hashtag #GiveJournalistsTheClap

Win a mug in the Suffolk Gazette news quiz

The Editor
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Win a mug in the Suffolk Gazette news quiz

Enter our quiz then share it on your Facebook or Twitter page to be in with a chance of winning a money-can’t-buy, exclusive Suffolk Gazette mug!

Idiots whining that Boris Johnson had coronavirus test now being tested to see if they have a brain

The Editor
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Idiots whining that Boris Johnson had coronavirus test now being tested to see if they have a brain

People on social media asking why Boris Johnson managed to have a coronavirus test are themselves now being tested to see if they have a brain.

The Prime Minister announced today he has fallen ill with mild symptoms and has tested positive for Covid-19.

But numpties on Twitter, so desperate to do a spot of virtue signaling, cried foul, saying he should not have been tested before NHS staff.

Well, here’s something that may come as a shock to those people – it’s because HE IS RUNNING THE F&C*ING COUNTRY.

Intelligence expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The outpouring of faux outrage from some people on social media is extraordinary.

“We are concerned about them so will now be testing them – to see if they have a brain in their heads.”

Norfolk people hoarding lightbulbs in case of power cuts

The Editor
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Norfolk people hoarding lightbulbs in case of power cuts
Norfolk lightbulb madness
Norfolk shopping madness

The residents of Norfolk have been panic buying lightbulbs in case there are power cuts.

Shops across the rural backwater county are running short of bulbs as the hoarding continues.

Electricity sector spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Most of Norfolk isn’t even connected to the grid.

“This probably explains why so many people there don’t quite understand how power cuts work.

“Goodness knows what they’ll do with their cupboards-full of light bulbs.”

Dereham vicar the Rev Evan Elpuss said he had been praying for his flock’s souls.

“This lightbulb panic buying shows many are beyond help. Most of them still use candles anyway as they don’t believe in electickery.”

The 5pm Suffolk Gazette joke to keep your spirits up

The Editor
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The 5pm Suffolk Gazette joke to keep your spirits up

I used to be addicted to swimming.

But I’m proud to say I’ve been dry for five years.

That’s all, folks! The editor has lost the will to live and will not be doing any more jokes today. You can show your appreciation by buying him a pint.

Today’s other jokes here: 8.30am | 9am | 9.30am | 10am |10.30am | 11am | 11.30am | Noon | 12.30pm | 1pm | 1.30pm | 2pm | 2.30pm | 3pm | 3.30pm | 4pm | 4.30pm

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