Sunday, June 8, 2025
Home Blog Page 242

Army tanks stopping Easter daytrippers to Suffolk coast

The Editor
-
2
Army tanks stopping Easter daytrippers to Suffolk coast
A Challenger 2 tank in position on the B1095 into Southwold
A Challenger 2 tank in position on the B1095 into Southwold

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

The Army has been called in to prevent people from ignoring the lockdown and heading for coastal hotspots like Aldeburgh and Southwold.

Three fearsome Challenger 2 battle tanks have taken up position on roads leading into each of the popular seaside resorts.

Even kiss-me-quick favourite, Felixstowe has Reconnaissance Light Tanks on the A14 outside the town.

The dramatic manoeuvres, dubbed Operation Numbskulls, will prevent people from thinking the strict lockdown rules do not apply to them.

And that includes all the rich London second-home owners thinking they can bring their disease risk from the capital to sleepy Suffolk.

An Army insider confirmed the tanks had permission to fire on any authorised vehicle trying to circumnavigate their checkpoints.

Anyone thinking of going for a stroll on the beach is warned a Challenger 2 tank is equipped with a 120-millimetre 55-calibre long L30A1 tank gun.

With a range of over six miles, it means those vehicles trying to get into Aldeburgh will be spotted as far away as Snape.

Government defence spokesperson Colonel Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Any idiots thinking they can enjoy the Easter weekend by visiting the Suffolk coast will be met with the full firepower of the British Army.”

Meanwhile, Norfolk has had to build its own tank to keep bank holiday visitors away from gorgeous Norfolk resorts like Great Yarmouth. It is pictured during testing, below.

Norfolk tank
Norfolk tank

Know someone having a miserable April birthday? Buy them this mug

Cheer up someone with a birthday this month by gifting them this mug. It makes it abundantly clear this will be their worst birthday ever. Just £7.99 + P & P to yours or their address.

Easter will be ruined, claims nation of atheists

The Editor
-
1
Easter will be ruined, claims nation of atheists
Easter celebration

By Rev Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

People whining that Easter will be ruined this year never actually go to church, it has emerged.

Rather than using the occasion to celebrate a deeply spiritual religious festival, millions are furious they can’t go down the pub and get trollied with their mates.

Misinformed Lorraine Fisher, 34, has taken to social media to decry the fact that “Easter just won’t be the same this year”.

But a study has shown she and many like her usually spend Easter gorging on chocolate eggs and drinking through two bank holidays.

Religious affairs expert Neil Cushion said: “Those who follow our religion will be celebrating the resurrection of Christ this Easter, as normal.

“It’s only those numbskulls who think it’s an excuse to party and get fat on chocolate that seem to worry coronavirus has put a dampener on things.

“Next time someone says, “It’ll be a strange Easter this year’, tell them it’s nothing more unusual than someone coming back from the dead.”

Buy this birthday mug to cheer someone up

Family lockdown rules changed for Norfolk

The Editor
-
1
Family lockdown rules changed for Norfolk
Norfolk beach
Norfolk family on the beach yesterday

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The lockdown rule restricting outside activity to a close family group has been changed in Norfolk because it meant the whole county went out together.

Strict regulations that work perfectly well elsewhere in the UK threw up complications in Norfolk where everyone is related to each other.

As soon as the sun came out, they all left their huts and went out at the same time for a stroll.

It meant there was zero social distancing controls on the coast at places like Blakeney where hundreds of thousands went out for a walk together.

Our exclusive photograph, above, shows just how closely packed the Norfolk natives were, sparking fears of a spike in coronavirus cases.

Government health spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have been forced to change the lockdown rules in Norfolk.

“We now clearly state that only three people from the same household can venture out together, and family groups are restricted.”

But not all Norfolk residents are happy. Farm hand Bubba Spuckler, 34, who lives in Downham Market with his sister and their five children, said: “This cooroona virus is a load o’ old squit.”

If you want to cheer yourself up during lockdown, the Suffolk Gazette spent a recent day publishing woeful jokes every half an hour – and you can see them here.

Buy a mug for a chum

Cheer up someone with a birthday this month by gifting them a mug.

Do you know someone who is about to have their worst ever birthday?

The Editor
-
0
Do you know someone who is about to have their worst ever birthday?
worst birthday ever mug
Don’t be a mug: get your friend or family member one of these

Readers, have you got a friend or family member with a birthday in April?

It will be a muted celebration because they can’t go out and no-one can visit.

But you can cheer them up with this special gift mug, which makes it abundantly clear that April 2020 will be the worst birthday they’ve ever had.

If you’re stuck for getting a birthday present during the lockdown, this is your perfect answer.

Buy a funny birthday mug here, and at checkout specify your own or your friend/family member’s address. They will receive it in around three or four days from the time of your order.

Funny mug specialist DirtyOldGoat.com is part of the Suffolk Gazette empire, just so you know you are dealing with completely normal people.

BUY YOUR APRIL BIRTHDAY MUG HERE – CLICKETY-CLICK

Virtual Grand National doping scandal as Tiger Roll spotted this morning

The Editor
-
0
Virtual Grand National doping scandal as Tiger Roll spotted this morning
Tiger Roll Virtual Grand National
Tiger Roll outside his stable this morning

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Today’s Virtual Grand National is at the centre of a doping scandal after favourite Tiger Roll woke up this morning feeling and looking a little weird.

The computerised horse was expected to romp home for his third consecutive Grand National win.

But a massive betting syndicate is believed to have got to his virtual stable and turned him into a plodding donkey. He was photographed (see above) by his trainer this morning.

Horse racing pundit Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Running the race in the virtual world has led to new problems.

“Security of the horses is not as high as the real thing, and at 5-1 to win, Tiger Roll became an easy target.

“He now looks like Eeyore and will not be troubling the front runners.”

The Virtual Grand National is live on ITV from 5pm, with all profits from the bookies pledged to the NHS.

Don’t be a mug – buy one of these

Cats now leaving the TV on and a plate of sandwiches when they go out

The Editor
-
0
Cats now leaving the TV on and a plate of sandwiches when they go out
Cat ensures humans are okay before leaving the house
Cat ensures humans are okay before it leaves the house

Britain’s cats are now thoughtfully leaving the TV on and putting a plate of sandwiches in the fridge before they go out.

Moggies say it ensures their owners do not get lonely or hungry when left alone for hours on end.

Cat Lorraine Fisher (about 34 in cat years) said: “I feel guilty that my humans are stuck indoors while I go out and enjoy myself.

“They look so miserable when I head for the cat flap.

“Their poor little faces make me sad, so I now turn the TV on for them – on a nice jolly programme, not the news which is depressing.

“I am also sure to prepare some nice sandwiches which I leave in the fridge in case they get peckish.”

With Britain coming to the end of the second week of coronavirus lockdown, cats are now running everything, including the Government.

“I suppose the natural order of things is falling into place,” said Ms Fisher while cleaning her whiskers.

“My humans are grateful for what I do and you should see how excited they are when I finally get home.”

Mammoths reclaiming East Anglian countryside amid coronavirus lockdown

The Editor
-
0
Mammoths reclaiming East Anglian countryside amid coronavirus lockdown
Mammoth yesterday in Suffolk (Photo by local potato farmer Maurice Piper)

Emboldened mammoths have begun roaming the deserted East Anglian countryside during the coronavirus lockdown.

The remaining beasts retreated to the region’s forests hundreds of years ago, including Thetford Forest, Dunwich and Rendlesham Forests.

But with locals forced to stay at home rather than toil in the fields, the mammoths now have the courage to venture out to pastures new.

The specimen above was photographed by Suffolk Gazette reader Maurice Piper, a potato farmer from Westleton in Suffolk.

A large male, it had wandered to the outskirts of the village and was foraging outside Mr Piper’s house.

Wildlife expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “While it is a beautiful thing to see, we would urge the public not to approach any mammoths who have ventured close to built-up areas.”

Mammoths, from the elephantid genus Mammuthus, are extremely large and strong. Although not prone to violence, they would hurt if they stood on your toe.

“Do not go up to them, but please do take a photograph if you can and send it in,” Ms Fisher added.

“We have not been able to study their behaviour for many years.”

It is believed around 180 mammoths live in East Anglia, the last place they survive in the UK.

The news comes after goats took over a Welsh town, dolphins returned to Venice canals, and Lowestoft’s natural environment returned.

Don’t be a mug – buy this mug

Zoom confirms this is how NOT to use its online conferencing system

The Editor
-
1
Zoom confirms this is how NOT to use its online conferencing system

Online video conferencing giant Zoom has confirmed these befuddled new users are struggling to get used to the software.

Using the example above, they said the mop-haired organiser had accidentally published the Zoom ID to the world.

And participants in this particular Zoom session clearly had issues, including:

  • The user ‘PM’ being unable to centre his image
  • Therese Coffey is asleep
  • The Lord Chancellor is also asleep
  • The Press Team are missing altogether
  • Brandon Lewis is being attacked by a bat
  • Suella Braverman is punching herself
  • Liz Truss has a huge Union Jack in her living room
  • Dom Raab is posing for a police photofit
  • Michael Gove is paying no attention at all
  • Neither is Robert Jenrick
  • The Prime Minister has muted everyone apart from the Cabinet Room and Defra

Zoom specialist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This Zoom session is every employee’s worst nightmare.

“Clearly the organiser and participants in this Zoom call had no idea what they were doing.

“Matt Hancock looks completely confused.”

1...241242243...386Page 242 of 386

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us