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SAS called in as Hedge Rage devastates garden centres

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SAS called in as Hedge Rage devastates garden centres

By Mary Gold, Gardening Correspondent

Specialists have been deployed in Suffolk to put the brakes on angry gardeners with power tools devastating the county’s hedgerows.

For weeks, garden centres have been warning Covid-19 restrictions have let loose ‘the inner beast’ of normally law-abiding gardeners with chainsaws and hedge cutters.

Yet, authorities are accused of ignoring warnings from locked-down nursery owners as power-tool attacks on their shrubs have left their replacement hedge plants completely destroyed.

One owner, Lorraine ‘Fuschia’ Fisher, 34 – owner of Rattlesden Tea Room and garden centre, awoke to find her entire stock of Privet, Blackthorn and Berberis cut off an inch above their nursery beds.

“I must have been raided in the middle of the night,” said Ms Fisher. “It was an appalling sight. Bits of plants scattered everywhere. I am devastated.”

Further reports suggest road-side hedges across the county have been randomly lopped off.

Ms Fisher, visibly choking back tears, said she had warned the powers-that-be in both the council and the police that bored gardeners under the Covid lockdown had “run out of their own hedges to ruin” but her appeals fell upon deaf ears.

This was a claim robustly denied by head of Suffolk Constabulary’s Flora Protection Squad.

Insp Gary Clematis said: “I can confirm we have had many reports of wanna-be tree surgeons taking advantage of the circumstances to attack innocent hedges. These belong to all of us and frustration at having destroyed your own hedges simply because you are bored is no excuse.”

Under pressure, Insp Clematis confirmed he had, with clearance from the home office, called in specialist help.

Another hedge kicked in the privets

The Suffolk Gazette understands this ‘help’ is a shady organisation dubbed the Suffolk Arborialist Society (SAS).

Lloyd Leylandii, C(E)O of the SAS, would not confirm or deny they had been deployed. In a statement, however, he did outline the operational parameters of the so-called ‘Stormtroopers of Hedgerow Security’.

“What citizens do with their power-tools in their own gardens is a matter for them. However, during the Covid-19 lockdown we have been made aware of many instances of “Hedge Rage” where householders lack the patience for their own over-trimmed flora to regrow before they can be attacked again.

“Our operators are highly trained in covert techniques to prevent random outbreaks of hedge rage and you may be assured we have a long and glorious history of doing so.”

Don’t buy a chainsaw, buy a mug

We’ve linked up with dirtyoldgoat.com to supply funny mugs to our readers. Here are some current potty pottery offerings, but there are more on the site.

Redecorating your kitchen in 2020

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Redecorating your kitchen in 2020
new kitchen

When it comes to redecorating your home, people often forget the kitchen and focus on the living room, bedrooms and hallways. The only time you really see people decorating their kitchen is when they go all in and get a completely new kitchen.

But you can bring a new lease of life to your kitchen without a full kitchen refit, with some simple small tasks that won’t break the bank or take your kitchen out of commission for weeks. So here are our tips for redesigning your kitchen in 2020.

De-Clutter the kitchen

The first step is a simple one, that will nevertheless make your kitchen look infinitely better and that is simply de-cluttering. It may not seem like a big deal, but having countertops littered with small appliances will make your kitchen look crowded.

The standard appliances like microwaves, toasters and kettles can stay out, because it’d be too much hassle to constantly be taking frequently used appliances out of your storage space. But items which see infrequent use such as blenders, panini press, smoothie makers, etc, should be put into a cupboard or storage space. You’ll notice that your kitchen will look a lot cleaner after this.

Repainting walls

Next step, break out the paint cans, pick a colour that you want to go with as your kitchen colour theme, you’re going to want to have a colour theme that isn’t too over the top, maybe a nice neutral set of colours like earth tones or white and grey, so we have a few great colour schemes below.

Natural Earthy Tones: This includes natural looking colours, such as, grey, brown, green and yellow.

White And Grey: This is a classic for kitchens, white and grey make a sharp pairing to make your kitchen look fresh.

Tans And Browns: Another classic colour pairing of beige and tan, although it doesn’t sound exciting at first, it helps to create a n elegant looking kitchen.

Just make sure that when you’re painting your kitchen you use a high-quality paint designed specifically for kitchens because of the possibility of staining and water vapours.

Kitchen blinds

Now, most people don’t have any window dressings in their kitchen for whatever reason, but a set of kitchen blinds can give your kitchen a completely new feel. Just make sure that you get made to measure blinds, as lots of standard blinds won’t fit a kitchen window due to the fact kitchen windows are often wide, so you need to get made to measure wide blinds.

You then need to work out what sort of blinds you want, there are plenty of options, but we’d recommend that you go with roller blinds. The reason is that most roller blinds are easy to clean and aren’t affected by day to day kitchen activity, but other sort of blinds can be susceptible stains and water damage.

New kitchen furniture

Think how long you’ve had your kitchen table, you probably got it years ago and now it’s likely a bit weathered from years of spilled food and ring marks from coffee. So getting a new kitchen table and chairs will bring some more life into your kitchen.

Coronavirus is causing clothes to shrink, scientists confirm

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Coronavirus is causing clothes to shrink, scientists confirm
Fit to burst: shirts across the UK are shrinking
Fit to burst: shirts across the UK are shrinking

The coronavirus outbreak is having a surprising effect on our clothing, it has emerged.

Shirts and t-shirts have mysteriously shrunk during the prolonged lockdown, while trousers appear to have dropped two waist sizes.

Scientists now believe the COVID-19 virus is reacting to cotton and man-made fibres in our clothing, causing them to contract.

This leads to uncomfortable and unsightly problems in homes across the country, with shirt and trouser buttons threatening to explode.

Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, a specialist in cellular and molecular biology and how the body interacts with tailored garments, confirmed the phenomenon.

“While everybody is stuck at home, doing very little, they have noticed their clothing is shrinking.

“I can confirm our early tests show this is down to the virus interacting with textiles in an unexpected way.

“If the lockdown goes on much longer, nothing will fit anymore.”

Buy a topical mug from the Suffolk Gazette

We’ve linked up with dirtyoldgoat.com to supply funny mugs to our readers. Here are some current potty pottery offerings, but there are more on the site.

Seagulls plotting terrifying revenge for lack of chips

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Seagulls plotting terrifying revenge for lack of chips
Seagulls plotting terrifying revenge for lack of chips

Seagulls are meeting this week to decide how to wreak terrifying revenge on the nation for cutting off their supply of chips.

The violent birds are furious that chips have been missing from Britain since we all went into lockdown.

Now, they are meeting to plot a terrifying revenge, including stealing small dogs from back gardens, swooping on men’s testicles and pooping on our cars.

A secret meeting is being held on Felixstowe beach on Friday to plan retribution for what seagulls claim is criminal negligence.

Seagulls leader Steve Walshe, three, said: “If people think they can stop wandering around with chips for us to steal, they are more stupid than they look.

“We rule the country, we’re in charge of the beaches, they are OUR chips.

“We meet on Friday, and you will begin seeing the results of our terrifying revenge missions this weekend.

“Without giving too much away, you might want to lock up your small pets and don’t go sunbathing in the garden.

“It’s not too late to prevent all this – simply place 25 tonnes of chips in an unmarked bag on Aldeburgh beach before Thursday, midnight.

“Come alone and make sure you’re not followed.”

A message before the terrifying revenge

Chip shop owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, has had to close her business during the coronavirus lockdown.

She said: “The seagulls are furious. They’ve been banging on my door and leaving deathly messages on my phone.

“I won’t give in, though.”

Mike Ashley offers large mug and carrier bag with £300m sale of Newcastle United

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Mike Ashley offers large mug and carrier bag with £300m sale of Newcastle United

Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley hopes to seal the £300 million sale of Newcastle United by adding a giant mug and oversized carrier bag at the checkout.

The controversial tycoon is offering the tacky goodies to the Saudi Royal family via financial company PCP Capital Group.

It is believed the giant mug does not refer to manager Steve Bruce, who was already included in the price.

News broke today that Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman, one of the richest men in the world, is at the centre of talks to buy the success-starved Premier League club.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who is at the centre of the delicate negotiations, said: “Mr Ashley knows a thing or two about selling cheap goods.

“He knew that by offering his oversized mug and one of his hideously large carrier bags at the checkout, that the Saudi Prince would bite his hand off.”

The deal is reportedly 90% close to being completed.

Buy a proper Suffolk Gazette mug instead

Dirtyoldgoat.com is the official mug partner of the Suffolk Gazette. You can buy the ideal April 2020 Worst Birthday Ever mug, or one for May, and other fine pottery items

Is there a better sports role model than Conor McGregor?

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Is there a better sports role model than Conor McGregor?
President Putin and Conor McGregor (Photo: The Kremlin under CC BY 3.0)

It is incredibly heartening to see more and more celebrities being given short shrift these days. Every cloud has a silver lining and if the world staying at home is the price we all have to pay to finally realize what morons these people are, then it was worth it. In fact, Gal Gadot’s video of Imagine where all her celebrity mates chimed in to sing was undoubtedly the worst thing to happen to the world in, well, an incredibly long time. 

These personality vacuums are being found out one by one and really, they should all try and take a leaf out of the book of a certain MMA fighter who goes by the name of Conor McGregor. Naturally, The 5’ 9” Irish fighter does everything he can not to end up in the limelight as he sticks rigorously to a sober lifestyle. 

Oh no, you won’t hear a peep out of the man that they have someone unfairly nicknamed the ‘Notorious’ when he’s outside the ring. A lot of the time actually, McGregor, in his charitable way, visits the local pubs in his area and engages with senior citizens in a convivial way that all aspiring athletes can look up to.

Altercations just aren’t his thing and neither is flaunting all the money that he has made from bravely fighting in the Octagon. It has to be said that McGregor doesn’t come from any sort of money and that in itself deserves huge praise given how well he has handled the seismic change in his life. A lot of the time, celebrities are cruelly dubbed as ‘new money’, by ironically enough, the desperate bourgeoisie who all follow them on Instagram.

This is somehow meant to be a dig at their lack of class, you only need to have a look at these Premier League players and their cars to understand what they might be hinting at. 

Sure, Conor takes a picture of himself next to piles of money and uses a brick of cash as a phone, but that’s all been misinterpreted, at the end of the day, he really is a man of the people. Just ask the kids who have had their phones slapped out of their hands as they pleaded for the millionaire to take a moment for a selfie. 

Carrying on, professionally, he seems a joy to work with as the UFC boss Dana White is always singing his praises. It was just a few weeks ago where White was moving heaven and earth to find an opponent for Tony Ferguson when the Notorious threw his hat into the ring and insisted he was in shape to fight. 

The UFC president was so impressed by McGregor’s willingness to answer the call and given how easy he has been to manage in the past, he promptly decided to hand the fight to Justin Gaethje instead. Sure, sense prevailed and UFC 249 was eventually called off but you have to wonder when the 31-year-old will be given his chance in the Octagon again.

Currently, there are no UFC betting odds available here that have McGregor down for a fight but there are a handful of bouts still to bet on. You may say that has more to do with the season being on hold than anything else, but you do get the feeling that patience in McGregor is running out.

Then again, playing the mongrel has made McGregor one of the wealthiest sports stars in the world so we shouldn’t hold our breath for that to change anytime soon.

All things considered; can you think of a better sporting role model around the world? I didn’t think so.

British Olympic pancake racing team enjoys flip side of training ban

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British Olympic pancake racing team enjoys flip side of training ban
Pancake racing champs now eating equipment (Photo: Pedro Figueiredo under CC BY-SA2)

Britain’s official Olympic pancake racing team can now gorge on pancakes rather than running around with them.

Our women’s team were big hopes for team and individual gold in Japan after years of strict training.

But with the Olympics postponed for a year, athletes are now resorting to eating their pancakes.

Team captain Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We were devastated when the Olympics was postponed.

“But at least we can now eat pancakes like everyone else rather than running up and down the road flipping them in the air.”

Britain has dominated world pancake racing for decades. Athletes are drawn from fetes and carnivals up and down the country each year.

At the Rio 2016 Olympics, we won gold in the Pancake Tossing 100 Metres, 400 Metres Relay and the 200 Metres Hurdles.

Dreams of winning a clean sweep with the Marathon Pancake Tossing race were lost when Barbara Garrett, of Halifax, dropped the pancake just 100 yards from the finish line.

She was battered by the press for weeks.

Lockdown is not so crêpe if you buy these

Dirtyoldgoat.com is the official mug partner of the Suffolk Gazette. You can buy the ideal April 2020 Worst Birthday Ever mug, or one for May, and other fine pottery items

UK resorts to drinking weird liqueur from back of cupboard

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UK resorts to drinking weird liqueur from back of cupboard

Britons have been forced to drink all the weird drinks that have been lurking at the back of their cupboards for years, it has emerged.

Stories are emerging of some truly disgusting liqueur being consumed in these desperate times.

As the nation enters its fourth week of lockdown, alcoholic binge-drinking is reaching dangerous levels.

But medics warn overdosing on bizarre spirits because the wine and beer has run out is not a good idea.

Doctor Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “That disgusting-looking bottle of Advocaat has been at the back of your cupboard since 1998 for a good reason.

“This is not the time to experiment with your drinks.

“You don’t want to be in hospital having your stomach pumped out at the moment.”

The editor of the Suffolk Gazette today apologised for falling into this trap. He consumed half a bottle of Fireball last night and now deeply regrets it.

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