Cocaine al-horno? Uranium stroganoff? How about lead risotto? These were just some of the delicious new offerings made available at Sal’s Diner, South Street, Risby, last week after the head Chef suffered a mental relapse due to overwork.
Customers at the popular eatery at Risby near Bury St. Edmunds were stunned to find that the new menu, which came with a radioactive hazard warning, featured some innovative new dishes allegedly inspired by head chef, Paul Pryke’s recent obsession with nuclear facilities, nuclear war and nuclear Armageddon.
Periodic table of elements for two in Risby
Regular diner, Carol Bishop remarked “Maureen and I often come in to Sal’s for a baked potato on a Thursday to catch up.
When I saw the new menu in Risby I thought I’d try something different for a change so I went for the Uranium Stroganoff. It was only when the waitress brought the food over in a Hazmat suit that I wished I’d gawn with my first choice. Better the devil you know!”
Other diners were treated to dishes such as: grilled pork tenderloin in a plutonium cream sauce, magnesium sulphate and shrimp bisque, fission chips, potassium alkali gratin, and spaghetti manganese.
Where is the toilet?
Owner Sal Karagiannis said, “Yes. It’s true. Paul has been working very hard recently. The customers here can be very demanding, you know, always asking for spoons or where is the toilet? He is a good boy. I even told him to take some time off a few weeks ago. ‘Take a holiday’ I said, which to be fair, he did. When he got back from Chernobyl two weeks ago, that’s when all this business started. I was as surprised as anyone when I came to open up last week and there was ‘hazardous materials – do not pass’ tape all over the front door. I can tell you.”
Out of the frying pan…
After being spoken to by police and local environmental and mental health officials, Mr Pryke has agreed to take a long sabbatical by the coast. He is said to be recovering well in the small fishing village of Sizewell in Suffolk.
How to Make the Quickest Deposit at Gambling Platforms using Pay by Phone?
Making deposits has become much simpler due to the industry’s ongoing progress because players may now do so directly from their phones. In the modern gaming industry, many gambling sites now allow customers to make deposits using credit on their mobile phones. These platforms are a terrific choice for players who value complete safety in gambling.
This post is for you if you’re seeking a way to deposit money when playing at the best pay-by-phone casinos. Pay-by-phone casinos functions in a very singular and straightforward way is a platform for online gaming that permits mobile phone deposits. The money is not put into your bank account; instead, the sum is added to your monthly phone bill in full.
How Pay By Phone Casinos Work
You can access a huge selection of payment options when playing at an online gambling house. Each has advantages and disadvantages, but as a general guideline, you should choose your most familiar choice. Additionally, even though it could be alluring to attempt a no new approach only out of curiosity, it’s a good idea to have a basic understanding of how pay-by-phone casinos operate. Fortunately, it’s not at all difficult.
A casino that accepts deposits made via mobile phone provider is ultimately referred to as a pay by phone casino. Your monthly phone bill is then adjusted to include the payment, which is settled as usual.
Furthermore, paying by phone casino will be more convenient if you like to play on a mobile device. You may instantly deposit money on the go with phone payments while maintaining control over your spending.
Pros And Cons Of Pay By Phone Casinos
Pay-by-phone casinos offer several benefits, as was previously stated. However, there are several disadvantages as well, just as with other online gambling site payment options. The following are the good and bad of pay by phone casino.
Pros:
A simple and practical method of paying for your play;
One of the quickest payment options available;
Offers a safe and secure alternative since you don’t need to reveal your financial information;
Perfect for use at mobile casinos;
Enables you to monitor your transactions;
Invest now and pay later.
Cons:
Withdrawals cannot be made using the pay by phone bill option;
There may be deposit cap restrictions;
If you don’t exercise caution, you might spend more than you can afford.
Common Pay by Phone Processors
You have a wide range of alternatives as an online gambler regarding your billing services. The finest firms are more secure than almost any other payment method, and there are more provider options today than when phone payments first became popular. The following are some of the most popular pay-by-phone processors:
Boku
Most online gambling houses accept Boku, as it is the world’s most well-known provider of phone bills, and is perhaps the best pay-by-phone processor accessible because players can use it anywhere in the world. Bonus Boss casino is one of the best pay by Boku casino in the UK. Others are Kozmo and Rise.
PayForIt
Another pay-by-phone option, PayForIt, is gradually gaining popularity because there are no additional costs for your transactions. It merely takes a few clicks to make a deposit, and the majority of online casinos accept PayForIt. The UK is the country where gamblers use PayForIt the most frequently.
Siru Mobile
With Siru Mobile, consumers may deposit money and pay using smartphones. The company, established in 2011, has developed and expanded internationally. Numerous online casino sites in Europe now allow Siru Mobile as a payment method for adding money to gambling accounts due to its widespread use.
Are Pay-By-Phone Gambling Sites Safe To Use?
There is nothing to be concerned about if you appear hesitant about using a gaming website that allows deposits by phone. They perform many transactions each year so that you can utilize them with complete security. And this is because they don’t charge the exorbitant fees that numerous other gambling houses do when players make deposits.
Additionally, since a confirmation code will be sent to your phone, you will need to be in front of it to complete the transaction. This makes it even more difficult for potential scammers to access your account.
Conclusion
Pay by phone casinos are a fantastic option to think about if you’re seeking a simple and practical way to enjoy gambling games from a mobile device. Players can take advantage of all the bonuses that are offered at standard gambling sites, and they even let you pay using phone credit.
As the 2022 World Cup in Qatar approaches, fans are already warming up for the tournament by highlighting the whacky world of football and mocking the often-pretentious functionaries involved in the game.
The fun started during the penalty shoot-out of the World Cup 2022 qualifying playoff between Australia and Peru. Aussie goalkeeper Andrew Redmayne delighted the Twitterati with his bizarre dancing antics to distract the Peruvian penalty takers. Redmayne took the risk of looking a complete fool, but he managed to put off Luis Advíncula and Alex Valera to send Australia to their fifth World Cup in a row.
However, Australia is ranked the outsider to win the tournament in the latest FIFA World Cup betting, at odds of 250/1 with Palmerbet. They also offer a price of 5/1 for the Socceroos to qualify from Group D, where they will face reigning World Champions France, along with Tunisia and Denmark.
Goalkeepers are crazy, but in a socially acceptable way
Football writer, Brian Glanville, wrote the book Goalkeepers are Crazy in 1977 and 45 years later, the maxim still applies, possibly more so! Redmayne’s tactic was reminiscent of goalkeeper Bruce Grobbelaar’s wobbly legs antics, which led Liverpool to glory in the 1984 European Cup final penalty shoot-out against Roma. Only this time Redmayne won the day and the Internet via dancing goalie memes. Other comparisons included Ricky Gervais’ infamous dance as David Brent in the BBC show The Office and similarities with a character from the classic arcade game Street Fighter.
It also showed similarities with Aston Villa goalkeeper Emiliano Martínez, who used mind games to distract Colombian players when playing for Argentina during the Copa America semi-final penalty shootout in 2021. His trash talking was enough to distract Everton defender Yerry Mina, who missed a vital penalty as he was told: “You’re nervous, huh? You’re laughing but you’re nervous,” before adding: “I’m eating you up, brother.”
The world’s most famous moth
The tedium of World Cup draws is always ripe for some satire and the Qatar 2022 World Cup draw was no different. As well as jokes about the length of the event, there were also memes about the official World Cup mascot, known as La’eeb, which for many bears a striking resemblance to Caspar, the cartoon ghost, and the scarf that Fiona gave Shrek. Argentinian fans immediately recognised the familiar Ghost of the B, a ghostly figure with a large red B on the front, which is waved around on the terraces to mock fans of other clubs faced with relegation to the second division, known as Primera B.
In 2011, River Plate, one of the most successful clubs in Argentinian football, suffered the indignity of relegation, which led to mockery by fans of arch-rivals Boca Juniors. This led to memes suggesting that Qatar had found inspiration for the mascot in the ghostly character.
We can expect a range of memes during the 2022 World Cup, especially with Cristiano Ronaldo, the player who launched a thousand memes. How can we forget the infamous moth meme, which went viral during the Euro 2016 final between Portugal and France? Some wag even went as far as setting up a Twitter account for the moth while the game was still being played. Although, when joyless hatemongers like Nigel Farage are stealing memes from UK comedy writers, maybe they aren’t as cool as we all thought after all.
Still, memes we can look forward to will include overemotional footballers, penalty shoot-out high jinks, mockery of pretentious football functionaries and flabby politicians hoping for reflected glory, and, of course, memes inspired by the Hollywood-worthy histrionics of Neymar. If you want to come up with your own meme, just remember, the chances are that someone will have already come up with a zinger and gone viral before the game has even finished!
With the return of autumn comes the inevitable round of bugs, colds, coughs & sneezes and there is nothing worse than waking up in the morning with a sore, dry, croaky throat. But not to worry! Those autumn aches can now be cast aside using a new, some might say, sexy remedy suggested by the nation’s favourite retailer – that’s right… coccksucking with a condom!
Joining forces with leading brand of smut Durex™, new player to the sex industry, Tesco is recommending that deepthroating a big fat cocck sheathed in a tickly-ribbed prophylactic is this season’s best remedy for what up until now has been perfectly adequately dealt with using traditional methods such as: a mug of honey and lemon, fisherman’s friend cough lozenges (bleuuurgh!), 15ml of ultra chloraseptic anaesthetic throat spray, or a pack of 20 menthol cigarettes and a couple of bottles of brandy.
One-stop-cough-stopping-cocck-shop
Some commentators (especially on Twitter, Tik-Tok, Instagram, Ceefax and Facebook etc.) say Tesco (or ‘Tescos’ as many working-class people call it), is taking a risk moving away from their traditional ‘family-friendly’ image towards a more overt X-rated, pornographic, missionary position.
The blow-job endorsing grocery store (Established in 1919 by Jack Cohen as a stall in the East End of London selling wooden love balls and cork butt plugs) say Tescos (properly ‘Tesco’) is just going back to its roots. “We’re just going back to our roots.” said a shop assistant wearing a revealing, tight, black, open-chested PVC waistcoat over hairy chest and pierced nipples.
Tesco Sex sells
And it doesn’t stop there. A spokesman for Titco Tesco told this reporter “Alright ducks, so on top of all the usual vibrators and dildos which can be used for all kinds of muscle pain, back pain, rheumatism, haemorrhoids etc, what we’ve got coming up is an electronic tit-massaging maternity bra for those mums who like to give their boobs a nice good going-over before they feed the littlun.
Then we’ve got the stress-relieving rainbow wank wipes range coming out in November. They’re basically your everyday toilet tissue wipes but let’s face it, that’s what everyone uses them for! (laughs out loud.) And… erm… what else have we got?
Oh yeah, we’re bringing out a new erotic athlete’s foot odour-eater which stimulates the nerve endings in your feet and can give you longer-lasting orgasms. They go up to a size 11 in women’s and 18 in men’s and will be out in time for Christmas.”
Queen Elizabeth spotted in cloud formation after her death
The Queen Elizabeth is in heaven. This was confirmed today by the sighting of our dear departed Queen mum in the skies above the royalist market town of Bungay in Suffolk. The spectacular sighting was made by Brigitte Hillis, a retired head teacher who was visiting family in the Waveney Valley on the day of our beloved late Queen’s passing.
By environment correspondent Lorraine Fisher – 34.
Hillis, a keen amateur photographer, told this reporter “I was riding along the B1062 near Flixton on my electric bicycle, minding my own business. I had just visited my sister who had laid on scones, cheese straws, tea and coffee etc. and I was looking for a place to wee.
I saw a layby up ahead so I stopped. All of a sudden (obviously) I felt a warmth come to my whole body, especially my ankles. I turned to face the sun and saw a single, laser-like sun beam emerging from the clouds. I thought to myself ‘That’s strange because the weather report said rain.’”
The ex-head of an Essex primary who has a degree in meteorology from Trumpton College, thought the weather pattern unusual. “I thought the weather pattern unusual, so I returned to my bicycle to retrieve my instamatic camera. As I turned back, well, I couldn’t believe my ears, I mean eyes. There before me, hovering majestically (perfect adjective) above the horizon was… the queen. Made of clouds!” Instinctively, Brigitte snapped away frantically to capture the once-every-few-hours opportunity everyone gets to catch a random and fleeting cloud formation vaguely resembling something familiar to you.
The Woolly Bit
Tapping into her broad scientific knowledge of meteorology, a demented Hillis explained why what had appeared before her could not have been a natural phenomenon, but rather a clear and undeniable act of God. “Well, first of all, clouds are fluffy or wispy and usually come in the shape of the woolly bit of a sheep. Secondly, clouds are actually transparent, but I could see the queen clearly. Thirdly, it looked exactly like her – in every detail, and lastly… she spoke to me.”
At this last extraordinary claim, the Suffolk Gazette reminded Mrs Hillis that in return for the £250 we paid her for her story, she must stick to the truth. “No word of a lie.” Said the occasional bicycler touching her nose and momentarily looking down to her left. “She said… erm… errr… what was it? Oh yes, that was it…’This is the queen. It’s O.K. I’m in heaven with God. Diana is here but I haven’t seen Philip yet. Oh, and tell Charles that I left the keys to Buckingham Palace next to the fruit bowl.’”
God’s Finger
Because of the incredible nature of Mrs.Hillis’s utterly implausible claims, we tried to corroborate her story with other local residents. A Rory McBannister who works at the nearby ‘Fun Farm Dairy’ told us ‘What time was it? About four? On the 8th? Hang on…no. No. No, I don’t remember anything unusual happening on… hang on. Wait. Yes, I do remember looking out of the window at around 4 pm and seeing the biggest rainbow I’ve ever seen.
In fact, it was a triple rainbow, but only in the colours red, white and blue. It wasn’t in an arc like usual, it was more like someone had taken a humongous tube of Aquafresh toothpaste and written ‘Queen Elizabeth’ across the sky with it. I think maybe God wrote it with his finger. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But now you mention it. £75 did you say?”
Did you take a photo of anything completely normal on the day the Queen Elizabeth died?
Movies are a good part of the entertainment; they give us thrills and action that keep us glued to the screen for the whole period. Just like online casinos, they can be enjoyed right in the comfort of the house. Regardless of class, race, social status, or education level among other things, you will get a movie that you can enjoy. The variety of themes that characterize filmmaking means that there is something for everyone. Gambling is a popular theme in movies. You will see real money slot machines in the movies, an indication that you are about to see intense scenes where luck, precision, and cash are important elements. You will be kept at the edge of your seat as the events unfold.
Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling
As Ella Houghton, online casino expert points out that sometimes it is difficult to figure out what to watch. However, when guided by the theme, it all gets easy. For those who are into casino movies, the guiding theme should be gambling where you look for specific elements. Slot machines, poker cards, roulette, and free slots among other gambling products are some of the pointers that you are entering the zone of gambling zones.
Ella Houghton states that some of the casino movies will be all about gambling while others will just be mentioning it as a subtheme. Ella has reviewed some of the gambling movies. She concludes that they are plenty of casino movies for gambling enthusiasts as well as movie lovers to enjoy and draw valuable lessons. In this article, we explore some of the best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling.
Casino Royale
Most of the gambling movie reviews have Casino Royale as one of the best movies. Even when you ask people to mention one gambling movie, this is their first choice. That should tell you something. Casino Royale is a great film. Perhaps it is because of the cast in the movie, they are people who have made a name in the acting field. It could also be due to the fact it is a James Bond film. The film features Daniel Craig who acts as agent 007.
He is on a mission to kill and has to fight a private banker who is bankrolling terrorists. All the activities take place at the legendary Casino Royale in Montenegro. Just like in most movies, bad guys never engage in a fair game especially when the stakes are high. The antagonist, Le Chiffre employs dirty tricks to get a win but James Bond was having none of it. He had to do anything possible to stop the terrorist financier and defeating him in his own game would be very effective.
This is a movie that will keep you on edge as you unfold a story that is both action-packed and thrilling. Although the movie is several years since its release, it continues to attract a good number on Netflix. Word has it that its release made the gambling business popular in different parts of the world.
Best Netflix movies about casinos and gambling
Mississippi
This ranks as one of the most exciting gambling movies on Netflix for these reasons:
Interesting storyline
Action-packed film
Some members of the cast are popular actors
It is a film that those who are after light-hearted fun will find interesting. It revolves around two guys who decide to take a tour around the country and play at a different location. They aimed to be part of the big-money games in New Orleans. They have an eye on playing some of the big games and stacking huge sums of money. Although it was released approximately seven years ago, it has continued to attract viewers with some describing it as the cleverest film in the gambling genre.
The Gambler
Reputable casinos encourage players to engage responsibly when playing their favorite games. However, some get addicted and find it hard to stop overindulgence. If you are in this category, this is a movie that we would recommend watching. The Gambler features, Jim Bennet an English professor who is hooked on gambling.
He took risks and staked high with hopes of winning big. He chased losses and made so many mistakes, something that landed him into serious financial problems. His habits put him into huge debt something that made him a target by mobsters. He was determined to get out of debt but he chose to do it using gambling. Luckily, he strikes it big and he walked out free of debt.
The Casino
In this movie, you will get a peek preview of how gambling works as players bid to win some money. The story allows viewers to see the habits of many high-rolling players. It will provide some valuable lessons as well as keep you at the edge of your seat as the action unfolds.
A visit to the land-based casino will give you a glimpse of the entertaining and luxurious life that people who patronize these facilities live. However, not everybody would have the opportunity to visit where the action takes place. The good thing is that a similar experience can be replicated in casino movies. Watch these and many other gambling movies on Netflix and get a glimpse of what happens in land-based casinos.
When an 18-year-old Gabriel Jesus burst onto the scene at Manchester City, scoring on his debut after just 11 minutes against Swansea City back in 2017, Pep Guardiola looked as if he had found a long-term successor to Sergio Agüero. No, the Argentina international and now City legend wasn’t winding down his time at the Etihad, in fact, he’d go on to score 42 goals over the next two seasons as City won successive Premier League titles, but the vast resources and financial war chest at the Spaniard’s disposal ensured Guardiola could recruit from far and wide. Jesus looked like an enigma.
It took little time for the Brazilian to adapt to the physicality of the Premier League. He was already built like a grown man and possessed blistering pace to adapt to Guardiola’s demanding tactical system with a maturity that surpassed his years. 95 goals across five seasons represent the growth he showed over his career at City. Be it partnered with Agüero or indeed trusted to lead the line after his departure for Barcelona, Jesus would always guarantee to find the back of the net. And that trust was returned with a plethora of trophies — an FA Cup, four League Cups and four league titles all with the pressure of a side constantly favourites with Premier League winner odds.
However, Guardiola’s ruthless winning machine has always got to keep moving forward, and after struggling for form at times throughout last season, as well as being deployed out wide to make way for Phil Foden in a false nine role, Jesus looked to have lost confidence. And when the opportunity arose to sign Erling Haaland, perhaps the most sought-after striker of a generation having impressed for Borussia Dortmund, Jesus was deemed surplus to requirements.
His departure from the Etihad was hardly the crescendo he’d have imagined and although he lifted the title, you could see the Brazilian was hungry for a new adventure — one that began with Guardiola’s former assistant, Mikel Arteta. Now 25 years old, the time was right for Jesus to take responsibility as a club’s main man, and Arsenal, under Arteta’s supervision for the third successive summer, wasted no time in signing Jesus for a cool £45 million ahead of the new season.
From the moment he arrived, you knew Arteta was impressed, and the signing instantly made waves with the Premier League news as the Gunners had a proper talisman to fire them into the top four. “I think the club has done a tremendous job to recruit a player of this stature,” he said. “It’s somebody that I know personally really well, and we all know really well because he’s played in the league and been really successful.
“It’s a position that’s been on our radar for a long time now and we have managed to get a player that we all wanted, so I’m really happy. He is used to winning and he knows that winning is the only way to do it. I think he will set different standards at the club.”
Jesus hit the ground running in pre-season with a variety of different strikes from looping headers to powerful near-post finishes. It’s the kind of versatility in a forward Arsenal fan had been craving and despite a slow start in his competitive debut away to Crystal Palace, the number of different runs in behind and times he dropped deep to link the play was encouraging.
It didn’t take long for him to find the back of the net for his new club either. A well-crafted brace against Leicester City was quickly followed up by a priceless equaliser against Fulham, where you could clearly see the younger players in the side look for Jesus as a focal point when things were proving difficult.
A late Gabriel Magalhães winner ensured Arsenal would maintain their 100% start, and while even the most optimistic Gunners fans will know the strength of the top four, they must be dreaming of a return to the Champions League after a seven-year absence. As for Jesus, only time will tell how many goals he’ll bag this season as the new number nine, but you certainly wouldn’t rule him out of the race for the Golden Boot given how he’s started in red hot form.
25 feet under – Queen’s secret letter hidden in a vault
A very confidential investigation report on Queen’s secret letter has been leaked by a crime reporter Lorraine Fisher -34 that far from dying from being the queen for too long, our beloved late ma’am was KILLED BY THE AUSTRALIANS!
As has been widely reported in the world’s press, Queen Elizabeth II wrote a letter in November 1986 to the people of Sydney, Australia. Along with the letter came strict instructions that it should only be opened ONE-HUNDRED YEARS LATER in the year of our lord 2085 A.D..
Until now, the letter’s contents have been a state secret but, as is revealed today EXCLUSIVELY IN THE SUFFOLK GAZETTE, the secret letter was in fact a prediction of the DATE OF THE QUEEN’S DEATH made by THE GHOST OF ANNE BOLEYN!
Occultist Monarch
As is only now, belatedly being reported, beneath her rigid, joyless, and aloof exterior, our beloved late Queen Elizabeth II was in actual fact, something of a comedienne! A playful practical joker even! But as can be revealed in today’s EXCLUSIVE ROYAL STORY her late majesty also DABBLED IN THE OCCULT!
Being as unbelievable as it sounds, sources nowhere near to these events told someone, who told this reporter, that in the early 1980’s, H.R.H. used to gather together at Balmoral, or Sandringham or wherever, with a clique of her oldest and spookiest mates including: Sir Cliff Richard, Jeremy Paxman (soon to be knighted), serious actress Pat Butcher, Lionel Blair and friend-of-a-friend, American R&B singer Alexander O’Neal. Huddled around an Ouija board that was gifted to her by Mystic Meg on her silver Jubilee, bride of Frankenstein, Helen Mirren would dictate the candlelit seances.
Phantom Tudor Hussy
During one particularly chilling get-together, H.R.H. Mirren allegedly received a message from beyond the grave from… wait for it… French, Tudor hussy, Anne Boleyn! Boleyn was famous for predicting the date of her own death. She actually got the date of her pre-announced execution bang-on and even predicted the precise time of day that she would expire to within about 3 seconds.
A secret footman working for this publication in return for cash takes up the story “It was Blair… not Tony, Lionel. He was sitting there around the table with the others, wearing that deathly fixed grin of his.
I was a bit worried actually because he was leaning quite far over the Ouija board and I thought his hair might catch fire being so close to the candle and whatnot, but anyhow, without warning, he starts this violent jerking backward and forwards. His arms go rigid, outstretched, his eyeballs rolled up under their lids and his tongue was hanging out. It was absolutely terrifying. I had to stand there, stock-still, looking straight ahead at the wall opposite which, in those conditions, was almost impossible, I can tell you.”
Member of the Labour Party
We asked regular séance-goer Sir Cliff Richard to comment. He agreed on the understanding that we would criticize the left-leaning, grossly impartial, diversity-obsessed BBC in our article which unfortunately we are not allowed to do.
Accepting this, he told us that the ‘Semolina Regina’ (guessing that the queen ate semolina at some point in her life?) took the ghoulish gatherings extremely seriously “She wasn’t at all like the easy-going, funster they’re making her out to be now. Pfff.
If you turned up even 20 seconds late for a séance she’d glare at you like you were a member of the Labour Party. One time, she even locked the Corgis in the next room because of all the yapping that kicked-off every time a gust of wind blew the net curtains in. Another time I was there, ‘Devil Woman’ Whoopi Goldberg was removed to the Tower of London because she farted while Liz was trying to read her palm. She just wasn’t taking it seriously.”
Blair Scare
When we asked Sir Cliff to get to the point he said “The Anne Boleyn thing? O.K. So Lionel’s turned into that girl from the Exorcist, and we’re all shitting ourselves – apart from Liz, who’s sitting next to me dead still, transfixed by what she’s created.
I tried to leave but she tightened her grip on my hand, dug her nails deep into my palm – a bit like how Sue Barker used to hold my hand. Pat Butcher was crying and screaming, and Paxman was endlessly crossing himself repeating something in Latin. Suddenly, Lionel stood bolt upright and started growling something low in his throat, he just wasn’t himself. He murmured “Haec est Anna Boleyn. Reginae mori anno M M L X X X V plus minusve.” which apparently means ‘This is Anne Boleyn. Queen to die in 2049, more or less.’ And then he puked all over the table, and us.
The candle went out and everything went black. Well that was it. We all just f*cking bolted for the door. Chairs went over. The Corgis were going mental. It was carnage. As I scrambled for the exit, I briefly looked back. All I could see… and I will never forget this… were the jewels in Liz’s crown sparkling in the moonlight as she sat silently in her chair (throne) as if nothing had happened. Completely unphased. Amazing woman. A real livin’ doll.”
‘L’ Stands for Eleven & the secret letter
It wasn’t long after this that Queen Elizabeth II visited Australia to deliver her letter to the Aussies – let’s face it, the Royal Mail weren’t going to do it. The letter was delivered in the person of H.R.H Olivia Coleman to the Right and Honourable Lord Mayor of Sydney, Bryan Backstone who promised… PROMISED that it would be kept under lock & key in a secure vault beneath the City.
It was only when a newly-employed, low-paid cleaner in the Mayoral office went to mop the vault that things went disastrously wrong. “I didn’t know.” Claimed the penniless, unemployed cleaningservicewoman. “They said ‘clean the vault’, so I did.
No-one mentioned that I shouldn’t rifle through all the cabinets and the secure boxes to see what was in there, did they? When I saw the letter, it just said ‘Open me in MMLXXXV’ on it. Well. Come on. I mean, really? Who actually knows what year that is? I tried to work it out… ‘M’ is the 13th letter of the alphabet. Times by two equals twenty six. ‘L’ stands for eleven so that’s thirty-seven. Three ‘X’’s are three-thousand?
After that I got confused so I just decided to take a peek inside to see if it was an important letter. So, I broke the wax seal – nobody said I shouldn’t – and I read the words out to myself in a soft whisper ‘I will die on this day. Signed – Elizabeth II, Queen of England and the Commonwealth of Overseas Peoples.’ I looked at my watch. The date was 8th September 2022. Fuck.”
16 Times
Our beloved late Queen H.R.H. Elizabeth II went on to ‘go down under’ a total of 16 times during her reign – trips that in hindsight she might now regret.
