Thursday, December 18, 2025
Home Blog Page 130

Abandoned horse waits in vain for sire to visit

0
Abandoned horse waits in vain for sire to visit
Abandoned White horse

An abandoned white horse has been spotted in a 5th floor window at Ipswich School Book Depository.

Many children from divorced families will know the feeling of waiting for dad to arrive on a  Saturday afternoon to take them to the park, a football game, or a day trip to Calais, etc. However, it is a terribly sad fact of life, that oftentimes, with absent fathers being too busy enjoying life with their new wives and families, often living as far away from the first round of children as possible, the children of broken homes are made to feel unloved or unwanted, or both. Such feelings are unmerited of course, as they are usually only partially true.

Stories of children waiting patiently at front room windows, listening and watching for dad’s car to arrive outside the house, often end with dad not bothering to turn up at all. On such occasions, the overlooked children of jettisoned former wives, are, left with nothing do to except slowly write the word ‘misery’ with their little fingers in the steam-covered windows their tear-covered noses have been pressed against – for hours.

Saddle but true

But what of abandoned horses? Horses have fathers too. And feelings (?). What becomes of the horses forced to grow up in single-mare families? Until now, no-one really knew. 

Harry Grayson is an amateur photographer from the small village of Ramsholt in East Suffolk – meaning he has a phone. Last Thursday, as Harry commuted to work on the No.15 from Ramsholt to his job as a used shoe polish tin recycler in Ipswich, he spotted and snapped a scene that will tear at the hearts of the millions of abandoned children of East Anglia, or wherever.

Abandoned horse waiting for visitor

Gazing brokenheartedly from a 5th-floor window of the Ipswich School Book Depository, was an abandoned Camarillo White Horse. The lamentable scene, captured in a split second (although a decent photographer would probably have got five or six shots away), brought back painful memories for Harry, as he too was abandoned as a child by his father, and subsequently his stepfather, and also the one after that, the third one, whatever his name was.

Grayson told the Suffolk Gazette “It was like going in back in time. There I was on the bus with my nose pressed up against the window, which was steamed-up from the condensation caused by the hot air coming out of my nose. It was just like when my three dads abandoned me and never visited. And what was I looking at? A horse which had also been abandoned, just like me, with his nose pressed against a window too. I must admit, I had a lump in my throat. It was a Strepsil Orange with Vitamin C lozenge.”  

The poignant scene of double abandonment (actually quadruple) was fleeting, and before Harry could send the anonymous horse a message by writing “?K.O. UOY ERA” in the steam on the window, the bus had moved on. 

Aaaaaaah.

We pay top rates for all good horse abandonment stories. If you know the abandoned white horse, or if you are the bastard stallion who deserted it, please contact the Suffolk Gazette. 

Popular Leiston Chinese take-away to close after 46 years

0
Popular Leiston Chinese take-away to close after 46 years
Leiston Chinese take-away Happy House

A much-loved Chinese take away is to close its door after 50 years of serving the people of Leiston… Chinese food.

The Happy House take-away in Upper Street, Leiston, Suffolk, was opened by owners Kang & Deidre Lee in 1976. After a prophecy that Kang found inside a fortune cookie came true.

Chinese Takeaway

Kang cracked open the cookie of fortune in 1975 after he’d bought his family a meal to eat as they watched their favourite Saturday evening TV show ‘The Planet of the Apes’. Mr Lee takes up the story. “我们都喜欢《猩球崛起》和中国菜,所以我们过去常常在周六晚上看电视时将两者结合起来…”.

Errr… in English, please, Mr Lee! “Oh Sorry! Of course! We all loved the ‘The Planet of the Apes’ and also Chinese food so we used to combine the two as we watched TV on Saturday evenings. In those days you used to get free fortune cookies with your food, and the prophecy inside mine said ‘A happy take-away makes a happy house’. I knew then and there that we had to open a Chinese takeaway called the Happy House. So we did.”

Corned Beef Palace

And the Lee family was right to do so. The take-away was an instant success with the people of Leiston who in 1976 had never heard of China, let alone Chinese food. “At first, people would come in and ask for egg and chips, or corned beef sandwiches but they soon caught on.” Said a giggling Mrs Lee as she remembered the Happy House’s early days wiping a tear from beneath her spectacles. Continuing to chop onions for the Chicken Chow Mein order that had just come in, she went on… “My happiest memory was when we helped the community with the Coronavirus Eat Out to Help Out scheme. We even gave away free fortune cookies like they used to do in golden days!”

A No 117, please

We joined the Lees as they served their customers for the last time, many of them were regulars, and all of them sad to see the Happy House go. We asked Mr Lee what the future held for his family. “Well, I’m gonna open new shop.” Excuse me? “Yep. Gonna open new shop.” A new shop? Where? “Across the street. No.117.” Directly across the street from Happy House? “Yep.” Well, that’s a surprise! And what are you going to call the new place? “The Spring Dragon.” Okay… Why the Spring Dragon? “Because my wife was born in April. In the Spring.”

Price of Reindeer feed grounds Rudolph and friends

0
Price of Reindeer feed grounds Rudolph and friends
Ryanair as an alternate to Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, has been grounded, along with his eight reindeer buddies this Christmas because of the spiralling price of reindeer feed.

In the last six months, due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, nurses strikes, inclement weather, the endangered status of the Amur Leopard, and institutional racism at the BBC, the cost of reindeer feed has tripled, making the upkeep of Santa’s beloved fleet of reindeer, unaffordable.

Fodder Christmas

We Zoomed with Santa and asked how he was dealing with the cost-of-living-in-the-North-Pole crisis. “Ho, ho, ho, ho! Well, it’s a bastard, I can tell you. People think that we only have nine reindeer out here – not that they can remember their names from one year to the next, ho, ho, ho! – but the herd is actually over 3,000. Feeding costs are astronomically high this year.”

Saint ‘nick’

We took Santa up on the challenge, and he was right, with us getting only seven out of the nine world-famous reindeers’ names correct. We then asked him how he finances his North Pole operations. “Well, that’s a very good question young man, ho, ho, ho! I keep this a secret and I’m only telling you this because I know no-one reads the Suffolk Gazette. I steal cash from each home I visit on Christmas eve! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!! People think I just go straight to the children’s bedrooms to drop off the gifts. No, no, no. The first thing I do is head for the wallets and purses. They’re usually in a dish in the kitchen or by the front door, but I know all the hiding places ho, ho, ho!”

Shocked at this revelation, we asked the big man how much he steals each Xmas eve. “Around $6 billion. Yeah. I know, quite a haul, right? Although I’m not predicting so much this year because people are struggling, but, once you take off the overheads, mainly in the toy workshop: staffing, materials, tools, etc I do alright. Mrs Claus has her own expense account which is quite a big slice gone ho, ho, ho! But the bloody reindeer feed is another matter. I’m losing about twelve grand a week at the moment. It’s unsustainable.”

Ryanair Reindeer

So if the reindeer are grounded, how does Santa intend to travel this Xmas? We asked him. “Ryanair. They’ve done me a special deal. They’re as tight as Sharon Osbourne’s face job but after a bit of haggling I got the deal I was looking for, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ho, ho, ho!”

The answer is: Donna, Blitzen, Prancer, Dancer, Rudolph, Cupid, Vixen, Dasher, Comet

Santa implicated in multiple cat abandonment

0
Santa implicated in multiple cat abandonment
Santa implicated in multiple cat abandonment

We recently reported on the cost-of-reindeer-feed crisis that is jeopardizing Santa’s Christmas’s eve gift drop. Now, the big man has been implicated in a multiple cat abandonment which has occurred in Bramfield, near Halesworth.

One cat and eight kittens were found dumped in the middle of a field this week by Marjorie Spool, a local farmer’s wife who was out picking dumplings for Christmas. We asked Maj to tell us what happened.

The cat abandonment story

“Well, Bert, that’s my husband, the farmer, he likes a dumpling with his Christmas lunch. Everyone knows that dumplings are supposed to go with cow but he likes his with Turkey. Whatever. So, I goes up into three-acre field to the small patch of dumplings that I sowed in November to gather ‘em in. It was a nice crop. I was on my way back when when I saw two tracks in the snow. Strange looking they were and not from any of our machines, so I took a closer look. They were about six feet apart and there seemed to be what looked like glitter in and around the tracks. Very strange, I thought.”

Maj told us how she followed the tracks for about thirty yards until she heard the faint miaowing of… well… cats.

“Right at the end of the tracks was this litter of cats. Well, one cat and eight kittens. All black, apart from the glitter on ‘em. I started scratchin’ my head as I couldn’t fathom what was going on.

I looked at the tracks, then at the cats, then back at the tracks, then back at the cats again – well, one cat, and eight kittens. I was scratching and thinking. Then it dawned on me. I’d read about Santa and the problems he was having with his reindeer feed in the SUFFOLK GAZETTE.

I knew that he had cut some sort of deal with Ryanair because the article was so informative and well-written. But then I thought, hang on, those Ryanair bastards are so unreliable, perhaps the deal with Santa fell through? Then it all made sense. Santa must have decided to use cats – well, one cat, and eight kittens – as replacements for his starving reindeer. The tracks were from his sleigh which had crash landed in our field. Obviously.”

The names just won’t stick

We asked the farmer’s wife what happened next. “How much did you say I’m getting for this? £100? Okay. So I picked up that cats – well one cat, and eight kittens, and I puts ‘em in the cat cages that I happened to be carrying with me, and takes ‘em back down to the house. When I put ‘em on the kitchen table, I noticed that each of the cats – well, one cat, and eight kittens – had little tags around their necks with their names on. I read them out loud to myself… ‘Blitzen, Prancer, Dancer, Rudolph, Cupid’ errr? I can’t remember the rest. But that confirmed my suspicions. I was all excited and thought, I’d better call the SUFFOLK GAZETTE because they’ll probably pay for a story like this, so that’s what I done.”

To be certain, we asked Majory if she was saying that in her opinion, Santa had used the cats – well one cat, and eight kittens – as a trial run for the Christmas drop – presumably because cat food is cheaper than reindeer feed – but crash-landed because of the cats’ (one cat, eight kittens) inability to fly, and then just left them there in the field, and then somehow recovered his sleigh back to the North Pole, maybe with the assistance of Ryanair or some other passing flying animals? “Yes” came her reply.

We wish to clarify that no money changed hands between the Suffolk Gazette and the farmer’s wife except for the £100 we paid to buy the dumplings from her.

Harry & Meghan deny re-writing history

0
Harry & Meghan deny re-writing history

Harry & Meghan – The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have denied re-writing history.after they were criticised for their accounts of events that led to their departure from ‘the institution’ aka ‘their family.’

Revelations made by the discreet, retiring twosome in their recent ‘Harry & Meghan’ Netflix docuseries.– for which they were paid a reported $100 billion.– have differed from the accounts given by many who knew the couple at the time. The likely-true allegation that the Sussexes exaggerated or embellished the truth as they knew it in order to make their docuseries more exciting,.has been strongly denied by the reclusive royal lovebirds.

Harry & Meghan’s Future

Now, as the dust begins to settle after the controversial Netflix release,.the Duke and Duchess are said to be determined to retire back into the privacy of their modest Montecito, California, home for a period of introspection and reflection on how best to pursue the normal, private lives they so desperately seek for themselves and their children – who also starred in the Netflix series.

The first stage in this new, understated existence will be signalled by the next Windsor/Markle presentation,.a series called ‘Live to Lead’, which is said to be inspired by Nelson Mandela and his ilk. So as not to draw too much unwanted press attention upon themselves,.Prince Harry will wait for a few weeks before the release of his Memoir, ‘Spare,’ in January. Phew!

Jesus Christ

According to friends, the Duke and Duchess may release a children’s book version of the nativity story in the fall of 2023. According to insiders, the idea is still only in rough draft form but the SUFFOLK GAZETTE can exclusively reveal the basic synopsis of the book. As the following early draft reveals, the embattled couple is determined to avoid further allegations of ‘re-writing history’ by sticking closely to the traditionally accepted storyline… 

The Story

“It was a dark night over Efrat with many, many bright stars in the sky. Meghan and Harry approached the hotel uncertain of what kind of welcome they might receive. Harry’s feet were sore from his long walk, but Meghan, despite being heavily pregnant with God’s son, was quite comfortable on the back of the padded zebra which had carried her baby and her along the seemingly endless pebble road from Nazareth.

Finally arriving at the red carpet, the exhausted couple entered the hotel through a heavy revolving door. Pushing at the glass sapped the last vestiges of energy within their ragged bodies, but a kind man appeared before them offering assistance. It was the concierge of the hotel. They were grateful for his help but the two fellow travellers’ relief quickly turned to disappointment when the concierge confirmed Meghan and Harry’s worst fears. All the rooms were fully booked. There was nowhere to stay after their long, arduous journey. Meghan fixed the concierge a cold hard stare. It seemed to go on for minutes, although it probably only lasted a few seconds. Uncomfortable, the concierge broke Meghan’s gaze and looked sheepishly at Harry. Any sympathy he had hoped to elicit was unforthcoming as the Duke pretended to look around the hotel foyer, randomly, whistling an old army song. Meghan realized she would have to do the talking. ‘No rooms, eh? None at all? Is it because I’m black?’”

British Man invents Kardashian news filter

0
British Man invents Kardashian news filter
British Man invents Kardashian news filter

A British viral marketer has invented a Kardashian news filter app called KardBlock.

The app is designed for people who wish to filter out the constant barrage of inane stories about the irritating Kardashian clan and the appalling, Kylie and Kendall Jenner.

The app which blocks any mention of Kim, Kanye, Kris, Kendall, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kylie from the user’s news feed has already notched-up 80 downloads on the App store.

Is the app FREE?

Some consider it surprising that the Kardashians Ltd do not themselves have an app. Hang on a minute… they do… ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Celebrity Life & Fashion Story’. It is basically a Barbie doll style dress-up game with over thirty-thousands downloads. The app is free with, wait for it… in-app purchases.

The game invites players to “Get famous in Hollywood and create your fashion story! Choose your story filled with runway fashion, fame & celebrities.” Players may also “Dress up for a fresh celebrity look, join a new squad, and conquer the fashion world in style.” And it asks “Are you ready to become a famous fashion icon and movie star in KIM KARDASHIAN: HOLLYWOOD?”

The Fame Game

Well, this journalist is! It sounds like fun, and presumably, I’ll get rich doing it? So here goes… I’m downloading the app now. Just click there… waiting… installing… Okay. Got it. Right, here I go… Fame and fortune, here I come!

So, I’m beginning to live the Hollywood life in style among celebrities and Kim’s friends in this fashion story game. I’ve just dressed my avatar up in a fashion style of my own choice. I’ve gone for a pair of red, flared corduroy trousers with an orange Paisley shirt. I am wearing yellow PVC high-heeled boots and a pair of green leather driving gloves. My ensemble is finished off with a heavy gold chain with a solid gold, full-sized hand whisk pendant. I am now a fashion star for special events such as the Versace fashion show which I am about to attend.

Kardashian Filter

As I approach the red carpet I realize that Kim’s friends, the ones I was promised I could hang out with – are blanking me. It’s worse than that, they are clearly trying to disassociate themselves from me by walking ahead and flashing me bitchy looks which say ‘you’re not one of us… stay away!’ I also notice that none of the paparazzi are taking photos of me.

I am being completely ignored by them, apart from the ones who sneeringly look me up and down before chuckling to themselves before snapping someone else more famous. I’m beginning to feel a little self-conscious and I’m not really enjoying this fame lark much. I am now at the rope-cordoned entrance manned by two tuxedoed security guards.

When I attempt to enter, one of them steps forward and pushes a flat hand into my chest. He is offering me an insincere apology which is intended to inform me that I am not welcome inside unless I buy an in-game pass for $200. This doesn’t seem fair.

Fits to all

The game’s blurb says that I will “Discover the fashion world: visit clubs, boutiques, & luxury homes in LA, Tokyo, Paris & more!” and that I will “Live the superstar Life: become a movie star, fashion stylist, top model & more!” Perhaps I should re-install the app?

I meekly call out to Kim for help but she’s long gone. Some friend she turned out to be!

I have no choice but to turn around and walk back down the red carpet the wrong way, against the tide of celebrities and VIPs who look at me derisively as I pass them. And now the paparazzi can’t get enough of me. Snapping and flashing their bulbs as they yell out mocking insults and laugh.

I don’t think the fashion world is for me. I just want my old job at the Suffolk Gazette back please.

No Pumping and No Jumping on Pornofruit’s Bouncy Castle

0
No Pumping and No Jumping on Pornofruit’s Bouncy Castle
No Pumping and No Jumping on Pornofruit’s Bouncy Castle

Pumping and Jumping have been banned on Pornofruit’s new Bouncy Castle.

Regular readers of the Suffolk Gazette will be familiar with the Pornofruit Greengrocers shop in Saxmundham, Suffolk. The shop opened a state-of-the-art children’s playground in October to entertain customers’ kids while they shop for pornofruit. Some of the rides and slides in the playground have been criticized for being too adult in design, forcing the ‘fruity’ fruit seller to provide alternative amusements.

Just a12ft inflatable male member

Pornofruit owner & manageress, Lolita Feelgood (65) told this reporter ”Since you last came to review our coc’n’nuts bouncy castle, business has been up, but we did receive a few complaints from some local, old-aged whingers about the design of the castle. I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I mean it was just a12ft inflatable male member and two enormous squishy testicles. Without a big fat cock, none of the bloody kids would even be here would they?”

Just a 4ft male member

However, under pressure from a male member of the Saxmundham branch of morality campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE), Feelgood was forced to make changes.

The old coc’n’nuts bouncy castle has been dismantled and a new one, which meets with the morality restrictions imposed by RAGE, installed. Gone are the references to cocks, balls, nuts, etc which have been replaced by inoffensive images of familiar Disney characters.

Feelgood, however, feels that one of the restrictions is too punitive and defeats the object of having a bouncy castle in the first place. The ‘no jumping’ rule was part of the deal agreed between her and RAGE. “It’s bloody ridiculous isn’t it? I mean, what’s the point? You may as well just have the kids rolling around on the floor. I think it’s just jealousy. The miserable old sods at RAGE just can’t stand anyone else having a good time. Especially that Robert Newsance – the crusty old Colonel who runs the show down there. No jumping? Nothing to do with the fact that he’s in a wheelchair having had his legs blown off in WWII? Yeah right. Coiincidence? I don’t think so!”

Mention ‘Suffolk Gazette’ at Pornofruit Greengrocers shop in Saxmundham in December and get a 50% discount off of all ‘Reindeer Nuts’ and ‘Santa’s Frosted Goolies’ purchases.

Suffolk’s Poor Decorate Christmas with Mould

0
Suffolk’s Poor Decorate Christmas with Mould
Suffolk’s Poor Decorate Christmas with Mould

The poor of Suffolk will be decorating their homes for Christmas with mould this year.

Due, in part, to the never-ending, ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, hard-up families of the working,.lower-working, and under classes of Suffolk who cannot afford proper, shiny decorations (even from Wilko) will resort to allowing Stachybotrys Chartarum (Black Mould) to adorn their living rooms, hallways and bedrooms in celebration of the birth of Christ, or more likely, the purchase of a new flat-screen TV.

Ghost of Christmas present

Household mould or mildew will also be seen in Suffolk’s poorer areas and sink estates, especially around the windows. In this way, the poor-but-proud inhabitants can signal to neighbours and passers-by alike that,.like the Cratchit family from Charles Dicken’s classic ‘A Christmas Carol’, desperate poverty will not prevent them from celebrating Christmas along with the rest of us – albeit in a scummier, more unappealing way.

Ouvre la fenêtre

Another reason for the adoption of mould over decorations by impoverished families this Yuletide,.is the inability of uneducated, poor folk to deal with mould and mildew at source. The internet, which has been accessible in homes since 1995,.has lots of tips and tricks which can help prevent or treat the problem. Most people know by now,.that good ventilation (opening a window) is important to allow water to evaporate outside rather than accumulate inside the home. Anti-mould paints can be used in problem areas to protect surfaces as can mould-killing sprays. Even basic household bleach (Aldi, Domestos Thick Bleach Original 750ml £1.15) can be an effective mould deterrent on nonporous surfaces, like tiles and sinks.

Jesus Christ Almighty

In common with the ancient Romans who celebrated Saturnalia – the pagan festival honouring the agricultural god Saturn – in mid-December, the workshy of Suffolk will also celebrate a Christmas with zero references to Jesus Christ, God or the Christian religion in general. Food, alcohol, TV, plastic, American romcoms, disco dancing and overpriced gaming consoles are predicted to again be the focus of Christmas celebrations among the penniless (apart from the money they have stolen) scum of Suffolk.

The Suffolk Gazette would like to wish the deserving poor of Suffolk, a very happy, wet Christmas!