Members of an underground militia known as the Crustacean Liberation Army have freed a crab from an Ipswich Fishmonger’s shop.
In a statement released on its Twitter account, the Crustacean Liberation Army announced that “We have struck a blow against the oppressive corporate fishmongers of the world by releasing ‘Bob Hope’, the ‘Freedom crab’ back into his natural environment of the North Sea coast of Suffolk. Let the message go out to all imprisoned political crustaceans that… freedom is coming!”
Crab sticks it to the man
The mission to release Bob Hope began when members of the Crustacean Liberation Army visited Wally Perkis’s Fishmongers in Ipswich. In a daring and audacious act of retail transacting, the hoodied militia purchased a pot of mixed shellfish – the contents of which were already dead – and ate them up. Then, asking the monger if he had any live crab, they took what they were offered – a tired and forlorn-looking brown crab which they later named ‘Bob Hope’ and made their escape.
Crustacean Liberation Army showed Mercy
Bob’s long walk to freedom began when the Crustacean Liberation Army boarded the train from Ipswich to Lowestoft, and allowed him to walk freely along the carriage to stretch his legs and claws, and meet other commuters.
Amid scenes of great jubilation, Bob was eventually released into a rock pool on Lowestoft beach at dusk on 12th December 2022, a day that will live long in Crustacean Liberation Army folklore.
Seafood and eat it
Reports that legendary Lowestoft Seagull ‘73’ was spotted swooping into the sea close to the release site before flying off with something in his bill are unconfirmed.
The popularity of electric cars keeps growing as more people open up to the idea that electric vehicles will be an integral part of the future. If you are thinking of buying one, you already know you need to charge the vehicle for it to run. It might seem straightforward enough – connect the charger to the car and wait for it to “fill up” – but there are a lot of nuances that every electric vehicle owner should know about this process. We discuss this below.
How Electric Vehicles Work
An electric vehicle is powered by batteries that hold charge and provide power to electric motors. The electric motors then transfer driving motion to the wheels to get the vehicle to move. Charging the key is akin to filling up a combustion engine car at a petrol station.
Charging happens when you connect the vehicle to a charging station that acts as the power source. Once you connect both, a handshake occurs where the power station tells the car how much power it can provide, and the car tells the station how much power it can take. Once this process finishes, the car starts charging at the highest charging rate compatible with both it and the station.
All-electric cars like Tesla cars must be recharged at a charging station while hybrid cars can either be charged at such a station or refuelled at a petrol station.
Charging Speeds
Electric vehicles charge at three different power levels. These different power levels determine the equipment you need to charge the vehicle, how fast the vehicle chargers, and where you can charge your electric vehicle.
Level 1 charging allows you to charge your electric vehicle using a standard household outlet. It remains the most straightforward way to charge an EV at home. It uses a standard 120-volt charging cord and is generally very slow. This charging option can take up to 24 hours to fully charge a car which is why it is relegated to top-ups, emergencies, and roadside troubleshooting.
Note that you cannot use the same socket for anything else or charge anything else while your electric vehicle is charging.
Level 2 charging uses a 240-volt power source and chargers a vehicle much faster due to the higher power delivery speed. Many people who charge using a Level 2 charger at home use a dedicated charger. These charging units are installed in garages or on the die of houses and are fitted by a qualified and experienced electrician.
Some homes also have smart chargers that give you control over when to charge the car and how much charge to add. They can also let you schedule charging at night when the cost of power could be lower in your home.
Charging Speeds in Public
If you cannot charge at home for some reason, you can always charge at a public charging station. How fast the car charges depends on how much power the station can deliver as well as how much power your vehicle can receive.
Standard charging stations are typically installed at transit points such as supermarkets, offices, or somewhere else where you do not stay for long. They typically deliver 7KW (7 units of power per hour).
Rapid chargers deliver a lot more power and are especially useful for topping up quickly before heading elsewhere. You can also fully charge your car as quickly as it takes you to eat lunch, so they are well-suited for those taking longer trips.
Now, you might be wondering how fast your car will charge. That depends on several factors, and you can refer to this LV Electrix charging times guide to know how to calculate how long it would take.
Regenerative Braking
Traditional braking is a highly wasteful process because the friction that disk and drum brakes rely on to stop a car wastes a lot of energy. The kinetic energy lost as the vehicle slows down is converted to heat and sometimes sound at the braking mechanism level.
Regenerative brakes use an electric motor to slow down the car. They recapture energy that would be lost in non-electric cars and use an inverter to charge the batteries using this energy. Regenerative braking can improve both battery charge and mileage, but it is not the primary way of charging a battery.
The charge is little compared to what you would get from a charging station in a few minutes. This is why you should always charge your vehicle at a charging station when it reaches about 10% charge.
Benefits and Drawbacks of Charging at Home
Considering the fact that many electric vehicle owners charge their vehicles at home, what are the upsides and downsides of doing so?
Advantages of Charging EVs at Home
At-home charging is more dependable and convenient. Having a charger at home means you never have to wait in queues for a charger, which happens in areas where many people own electric vehicles. Also, you can charge your vehicle whenever you are at home, and you never have to wonder if the charger is working or not as you would at a public charging station.
Charging an electric vehicle at home is cheaper. This depends on the make and model of the car as well as when you charge it but doing so at home is generally cheaper. It is even cheaper for those who have solar panels because they can charge their cars when the sun is high or even use their vehicles as a store of power.
EV chargers add value to properties. As electric vehicles have become more popular, houses with in-built chargers have become more desirable which increased their value
Downsides of Charging EV at Home
The main downside of charging at home is possible long charge times. Unless you install a level 2 charger, your vehicle will take too long to charge. Even when you do, it will still be slower than a dedicated charging station.
Second, doing so increases your power bills. Although charging an electric vehicle is cheaper than filling a tank with petrol or diesel, you still need to factor in their cost when you own one.
Lastly, you need to invest in a charger at home. Apart from this installation, you also need somewhere to park the car as it charges.
Benefits and Drawbacks of Charging at a Station
The main benefit of charging in public is that you can top up while out. Many establishments now provide charging stations for their customers, which means you can top up your vehicle while you are out doing other things. These stations charge faster than your charger at home. Many can add 80% charge in about 20 minutes, but this will depend on the make and model of the car.
The biggest drawback of charging in public is range anxiety. Many people get anxious trying to find a charging station before they run out of charge. That said, things have got much better in recent years as some apps now show you charger locations.
Even when you find a charging station, you might find only one or two chargers available, and they may already be in use.
Electric vehicle batteries have become much better in recent years. Many electric vehicle owners do not have to worry about having enough charge if they charge their vehicles regularly. However, you still have to charge it, and there are things you need to understand about these processes as explained above.
An abandoned white horse has been spotted in a 5th floor window at Ipswich School Book Depository.
Many children from divorced families will know the feeling of waiting for dad to arrive on a Saturday afternoon to take them to the park, a football game, or a day trip to Calais, etc. However, it is a terribly sad fact of life, that oftentimes, with absent fathers being too busy enjoying life with their new wives and families, often living as far away from the first round of children as possible, the children of broken homes are made to feel unloved or unwanted, or both. Such feelings are unmerited of course, as they are usually only partially true.
Stories of children waiting patiently at front room windows, listening and watching for dad’s car to arrive outside the house, often end with dad not bothering to turn up at all. On such occasions, the overlooked children of jettisoned former wives, are, left with nothing do to except slowly write the word ‘misery’ with their little fingers in the steam-covered windows their tear-covered noses have been pressed against – for hours.
Saddle but true
But what of abandoned horses? Horses have fathers too. And feelings (?). What becomes of the horses forced to grow up in single-mare families? Until now, no-one really knew.
Harry Grayson is an amateur photographer from the small village of Ramsholt in East Suffolk – meaning he has a phone. Last Thursday, as Harry commuted to work on the No.15 from Ramsholt to his job as a used shoe polish tin recycler in Ipswich, he spotted and snapped a scene that will tear at the hearts of the millions of abandoned children of East Anglia, or wherever.
Abandoned horse waiting for visitor
Gazing brokenheartedly from a 5th-floor window of the Ipswich School Book Depository, was an abandoned Camarillo White Horse. The lamentable scene, captured in a split second (although a decent photographer would probably have got five or six shots away), brought back painful memories for Harry, as he too was abandoned as a child by his father, and subsequently his stepfather, and also the one after that, the third one, whatever his name was.
Grayson told the Suffolk Gazette “It was like going in back in time. There I was on the bus with my nose pressed up against the window, which was steamed-up from the condensation caused by the hot air coming out of my nose. It was just like when my three dads abandoned me and never visited. And what was I looking at? A horse which had also been abandoned, just like me, with his nose pressed against a window too. I must admit, I had a lump in my throat. It was a Strepsil Orange with Vitamin C lozenge.”
The poignant scene of double abandonment (actually quadruple) was fleeting, and before Harry could send the anonymous horse a message by writing “?K.O. UOY ERA” in the steam on the window, the bus had moved on.
Aaaaaaah.
We pay top rates for all good horse abandonment stories. If you know the abandoned white horse, or if you are the bastard stallion who deserted it, please contact the Suffolk Gazette.
A much-loved Chinese take away is to close its door after 50 years of serving the people of Leiston… Chinese food.
The Happy House take-away in Upper Street, Leiston, Suffolk, was opened by owners Kang & Deidre Lee in 1976. After a prophecy that Kang found inside a fortune cookie came true.
Chinese Takeaway
Kang cracked open the cookie of fortune in 1975 after he’d bought his family a meal to eat as they watched their favourite Saturday evening TV show ‘The Planet of the Apes’. Mr Lee takes up the story. “我们都喜欢《猩球崛起》和中国菜，所以我们过去常常在周六晚上看电视时将两者结合起来…”.
Errr… in English, please, Mr Lee! “Oh Sorry! Of course! We all loved the ‘The Planet of the Apes’ and also Chinese food so we used to combine the two as we watched TV on Saturday evenings. In those days you used to get free fortune cookies with your food, and the prophecy inside mine said ‘A happy take-away makes a happy house’. I knew then and there that we had to open a Chinese takeaway called the Happy House. So we did.”
Corned Beef Palace
And the Lee family was right to do so. The take-away was an instant success with the people of Leiston who in 1976 had never heard of China, let alone Chinese food. “At first, people would come in and ask for egg and chips, or corned beef sandwiches but they soon caught on.” Said a giggling Mrs Lee as she remembered the Happy House’s early days wiping a tear from beneath her spectacles. Continuing to chop onions for the Chicken Chow Mein order that had just come in, she went on… “My happiest memory was when we helped the community with the Coronavirus Eat Out to Help Out scheme. We even gave away free fortune cookies like they used to do in golden days!”
A No 117, please
We joined the Lees as they served their customers for the last time, many of them were regulars, and all of them sad to see the Happy House go. We asked Mr Lee what the future held for his family. “Well, I’m gonna open new shop.” Excuse me? “Yep. Gonna open new shop.” A new shop? Where? “Across the street. No.117.” Directly across the street from Happy House? “Yep.” Well, that’s a surprise! And what are you going to call the new place? “The Spring Dragon.” Okay… Why the Spring Dragon? “Because my wife was born in April. In the Spring.”
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, has been grounded, along with his eight reindeer buddies this Christmas because of the spiralling price of reindeer feed.
In the last six months, due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, nurses strikes, inclement weather, the endangered status of the Amur Leopard, and institutional racism at the BBC, the cost of reindeer feed has tripled, making the upkeep of Santa’s beloved fleet of reindeer, unaffordable.
Fodder Christmas
We Zoomed with Santa and asked how he was dealing with the cost-of-living-in-the-North-Pole crisis. “Ho, ho, ho, ho! Well, it’s a bastard, I can tell you. People think that we only have nine reindeer out here – not that they can remember their names from one year to the next, ho, ho, ho! – but the herd is actually over 3,000. Feeding costs are astronomically high this year.”
Saint ‘nick’
We took Santa up on the challenge, and he was right, with us getting only seven out of the nine world-famous reindeers’ names correct. We then asked him how he finances his North Pole operations. “Well, that’s a very good question young man, ho, ho, ho! I keep this a secret and I’m only telling you this because I know no-one reads the Suffolk Gazette. I steal cash from each home I visit on Christmas eve! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!! People think I just go straight to the children’s bedrooms to drop off the gifts. No, no, no. The first thing I do is head for the wallets and purses. They’re usually in a dish in the kitchen or by the front door, but I know all the hiding places ho, ho, ho!”
Shocked at this revelation, we asked the big man how much he steals each Xmas eve. “Around $6 billion. Yeah. I know, quite a haul, right? Although I’m not predicting so much this year because people are struggling, but, once you take off the overheads, mainly in the toy workshop: staffing, materials, tools, etc I do alright. Mrs Claus has her own expense account which is quite a big slice gone ho, ho, ho! But the bloody reindeer feed is another matter. I’m losing about twelve grand a week at the moment. It’s unsustainable.”
Ryanair Reindeer
So if the reindeer are grounded, how does Santa intend to travel this Xmas? We asked him. “Ryanair. They’ve done me a special deal. They’re as tight as Sharon Osbourne’s face job but after a bit of haggling I got the deal I was looking for, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ho, ho, ho!”
The answer is: Donna, Blitzen, Prancer, Dancer, Rudolph, Cupid, Vixen, Dasher, Comet
We recently reported on the cost-of-reindeer-feed crisis that is jeopardizing Santa’s Christmas’s eve gift drop. Now, the big man has been implicated in a multiple cat abandonment which has occurred in Bramfield, near Halesworth.
One cat and eight kittens were found dumped in the middle of a field this week by Marjorie Spool, a local farmer’s wife who was out picking dumplings for Christmas. We asked Maj to tell us what happened.
The cat abandonment story
“Well, Bert, that’s my husband, the farmer, he likes a dumpling with his Christmas lunch. Everyone knows that dumplings are supposed to go with cow but he likes his with Turkey. Whatever. So, I goes up into three-acre field to the small patch of dumplings that I sowed in November to gather ‘em in. It was a nice crop. I was on my way back when when I saw two tracks in the snow. Strange looking they were and not from any of our machines, so I took a closer look. They were about six feet apart and there seemed to be what looked like glitter in and around the tracks. Very strange, I thought.”
Maj told us how she followed the tracks for about thirty yards until she heard the faint miaowing of… well… cats.
“Right at the end of the tracks was this litter of cats. Well, one cat and eight kittens. All black, apart from the glitter on ‘em. I started scratchin’ my head as I couldn’t fathom what was going on.
I looked at the tracks, then at the cats, then back at the tracks, then back at the cats again – well, one cat, and eight kittens. I was scratching and thinking. Then it dawned on me. I’d read about Santa and the problems he was having with his reindeer feed in the SUFFOLK GAZETTE.
I knew that he had cut some sort of deal with Ryanair because the article was so informative and well-written. But then I thought, hang on, those Ryanair bastards are so unreliable, perhaps the deal with Santa fell through? Then it all made sense. Santa must have decided to use cats – well, one cat, and eight kittens – as replacements for his starving reindeer. The tracks were from his sleigh which had crash landed in our field. Obviously.”
The names just won’t stick
We asked the farmer’s wife what happened next. “How much did you say I’m getting for this? £100? Okay. So I picked up that cats – well one cat, and eight kittens, and I puts ‘em in the cat cages that I happened to be carrying with me, and takes ‘em back down to the house. When I put ‘em on the kitchen table, I noticed that each of the cats – well, one cat, and eight kittens – had little tags around their necks with their names on. I read them out loud to myself… ‘Blitzen, Prancer, Dancer, Rudolph, Cupid’ errr? I can’t remember the rest. But that confirmed my suspicions. I was all excited and thought, I’d better call the SUFFOLK GAZETTE because they’ll probably pay for a story like this, so that’s what I done.”
To be certain, we asked Majory if she was saying that in her opinion, Santa had used the cats – well one cat, and eight kittens – as a trial run for the Christmas drop – presumably because cat food is cheaper than reindeer feed – but crash-landed because of the cats’ (one cat, eight kittens) inability to fly, and then just left them there in the field, and then somehow recovered his sleigh back to the North Pole, maybe with the assistance of Ryanair or some other passing flying animals? “Yes” came her reply.
We wish to clarify that no money changed hands between the Suffolk Gazette and the farmer’s wife except for the £100 we paid to buy the dumplings from her.
Harry & Meghan – The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have denied re-writing history.after they were criticised for their accounts of events that led to their departure from ‘the institution’ aka ‘their family.’
Revelations made by the discreet, retiring twosome in their recent ‘Harry & Meghan’ Netflix docuseries.– for which they were paid a reported $100 billion.– have differed from the accounts given by many who knew the couple at the time. The likely-true allegation that the Sussexes exaggerated or embellished the truth as they knew it in order to make their docuseries more exciting,.has been strongly denied by the reclusive royal lovebirds.
Harry & Meghan’s Future
Now, as the dust begins to settle after the controversial Netflix release,.the Duke and Duchess are said to be determined to retire back into the privacy of their modest Montecito, California, home for a period of introspection and reflection on how best to pursue the normal, private lives they so desperately seek for themselves and their children – who also starred in the Netflix series.
The first stage in this new, understated existence will be signalled by the next Windsor/Markle presentation,.a series called ‘Live to Lead’, which is said to be inspired by Nelson Mandela and his ilk. So as not to draw too much unwanted press attention upon themselves,.Prince Harry will wait for a few weeks before the release of his Memoir, ‘Spare,’ in January. Phew!
Jesus Christ
According to friends, the Duke and Duchess may release a children’s book version of the nativity story in the fall of 2023. According to insiders, the idea is still only in rough draft form but the SUFFOLK GAZETTE can exclusively reveal the basic synopsis of the book. As the following early draft reveals, the embattled couple is determined to avoid further allegations of ‘re-writing history’ by sticking closely to the traditionally accepted storyline…
The Story
“It was a dark night over Efrat with many, many bright stars in the sky. Meghan and Harry approached the hotel uncertain of what kind of welcome they might receive. Harry’s feet were sore from his long walk, but Meghan, despite being heavily pregnant with God’s son, was quite comfortable on the back of the padded zebra which had carried her baby and her along the seemingly endless pebble road from Nazareth.
Finally arriving at the red carpet, the exhausted couple entered the hotel through a heavy revolving door. Pushing at the glass sapped the last vestiges of energy within their ragged bodies, but a kind man appeared before them offering assistance. It was the concierge of the hotel. They were grateful for his help but the two fellow travellers’ relief quickly turned to disappointment when the concierge confirmed Meghan and Harry’s worst fears. All the rooms were fully booked. There was nowhere to stay after their long, arduous journey. Meghan fixed the concierge a cold hard stare. It seemed to go on for minutes, although it probably only lasted a few seconds. Uncomfortable, the concierge broke Meghan’s gaze and looked sheepishly at Harry. Any sympathy he had hoped to elicit was unforthcoming as the Duke pretended to look around the hotel foyer, randomly, whistling an old army song. Meghan realized she would have to do the talking. ‘No rooms, eh? None at all? Is it because I’m black?’”
A British viral marketer has invented a Kardashian news filter app called KardBlock.
The app is designed for people who wish to filter out the constant barrage of inane stories about the irritating Kardashian clan and the appalling, Kylie and Kendall Jenner.
The app which blocks any mention of Kim, Kanye, Kris, Kendall, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kylie from the user’s news feed has already notched-up 80 downloads on the App store.
Is the app FREE?
Some consider it surprising that the Kardashians Ltd do not themselves have an app. Hang on a minute… they do… ‘Kim Kardashian: Hollywood Celebrity Life & Fashion Story’. It is basically a Barbie doll style dress-up game with over thirty-thousands downloads. The app is free with, wait for it… in-app purchases.
The game invites players to “Get famous in Hollywood and create your fashion story! Choose your story filled with runway fashion, fame & celebrities.” Players may also “Dress up for a fresh celebrity look, join a new squad, and conquer the fashion world in style.” And it asks “Are you ready to become a famous fashion icon and movie star in KIM KARDASHIAN: HOLLYWOOD?”
The Fame Game
Well, this journalist is! It sounds like fun, and presumably, I’ll get rich doing it? So here goes… I’m downloading the app now. Just click there… waiting… installing… Okay. Got it. Right, here I go… Fame and fortune, here I come!
So, I’m beginning to live the Hollywood life in style among celebrities and Kim’s friends in this fashion story game. I’ve just dressed my avatar up in a fashion style of my own choice. I’ve gone for a pair of red, flared corduroy trousers with an orange Paisley shirt. I am wearing yellow PVC high-heeled boots and a pair of green leather driving gloves. My ensemble is finished off with a heavy gold chain with a solid gold, full-sized hand whisk pendant. I am now a fashion star for special events such as the Versace fashion show which I am about to attend.
Kardashian Filter
As I approach the red carpet I realize that Kim’s friends, the ones I was promised I could hang out with – are blanking me. It’s worse than that, they are clearly trying to disassociate themselves from me by walking ahead and flashing me bitchy looks which say ‘you’re not one of us… stay away!’ I also notice that none of the paparazzi are taking photos of me.
I am being completely ignored by them, apart from the ones who sneeringly look me up and down before chuckling to themselves before snapping someone else more famous. I’m beginning to feel a little self-conscious and I’m not really enjoying this fame lark much. I am now at the rope-cordoned entrance manned by two tuxedoed security guards.
When I attempt to enter, one of them steps forward and pushes a flat hand into my chest. He is offering me an insincere apology which is intended to inform me that I am not welcome inside unless I buy an in-game pass for $200. This doesn’t seem fair.
Fits to all
The game’s blurb says that I will “Discover the fashion world: visit clubs, boutiques, & luxury homes in LA, Tokyo, Paris & more!” and that I will “Live the superstar Life: become a movie star, fashion stylist, top model & more!” Perhaps I should re-install the app?
I meekly call out to Kim for help but she’s long gone. Some friend she turned out to be!
I have no choice but to turn around and walk back down the red carpet the wrong way, against the tide of celebrities and VIPs who look at me derisively as I pass them. And now the paparazzi can’t get enough of me. Snapping and flashing their bulbs as they yell out mocking insults and laugh.
I don’t think the fashion world is for me. I just want my old job at the Suffolk Gazette back please.
