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Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine’s night in

The Editor
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Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine’s night in
Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine's night in
Trash-talking trash spoils Valentine’s night in

Romantic Valentine’s day dinner, planned by a Suffolk man as a surprise for his plain but befitting wife, was ruined by the incessant rude interruptions of a trash-talking monster formed of potato peelings and spent tea-light candles.

When Deidre Caldecott (51) arrived home from wherever she had been on February 15th – Valentine’s Night. The last thing she expected was for her husband, Graham, to have laid on a sumptuous meal of baked potato with tuna, home-heated rice pudding, and cheese and biscuits, but that’s exactly what she got… and less.

An uncomfortable Valentine’s Night

After Deidre had changed into something more uncomfortable, the two former lovebirds took their seats at opposite corners of the slightly wobbly IKEA dining table. By mutual, unspoken agreement, they decided to sit in silence and gaze past one another into the ill-defined middle distance.

The oppressive atmosphere they had created, amplified by the lack of mood music (an oversight on Graham’s part) was suddenly broken by the sound of someone loudly whispering what sounded like… ‘UGLY BITCH’ from the general direction of the kitchenette. Forced from their apathy, the two endlessly married strangers.

Briefly acknowledged the other’s existence with a momentary, acrimonious glance, before returning dolefully to their spuds. Shortly after the somber tête-à-tête had resumed, the asphyxiating atmosphere was once again punctured by the same anonymous voice, this time muttering sardonically “DRY VAG”.

The un-wanted situation

At this unprovoked vulgarity, the estranged couple had no choice but to communicate. At first, Deidre opted for body language. After shuffling in her chair, and straightening her back, she confidently flicked the bangs of her long, greying, brown hair from her corrugated brow with the bony fingers of her liver-spotted right hand.

Then, with the palms of both hands, she slowly, and disdainfully pushed her unfinished plate toward her sheepish husband. The rising tension in the room was causing pearls of warm sweat which, filled with the refracted light emanating from the table, resembled dislodged golden bogies to accumulate on Graham’s quivering, mustachioed top lip.

Here comes the snow flake

Deliberately avoiding eye contact with the increasingly nervous man in front of her, Deidre twisted a peak into her heavy cotton napkin, and with it, dabbed her already dry lips at both corners of her thin, elongated mouth. After theatrically dropping the napkin onto her discarded plate, Deidre went in for the kill.

Resting freshly crossed arms in the space she had created on the edge of the table, she leaned forward, and fixed Graham with a cold hard stare accompanied by a generous side-serving of well-done cat’s arse mouth. Graham winced.

Ignoring the frantic shouts of “PISS BREATH”, and “MISERABLE OLD COW” coming from the kitchenette, and pressing home her advantage, the truculent spouse exclaimed “F*ck you, AND you’re ventriloquism, Graham. I’m going to my sister’s for dinner.”

University of Liverpool Book Depository Story

The Editor
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University of Liverpool Book Depository Story
University of Liverpool Book Depository Story
Masturbation Notice at University of Liverpool Library Toilet

The University of Liverpool has banned masturbating in its library. A notice posted on the library door warns horny students that jerking off in the alcoves and reading rooms of its literary archive is strictly against University regulations.

The masturbation warning comes after a spate of mysterious unwelcome ‘returns’ were made in the book depository of the University by a scholar or scholars unknown. Worryingly, secret secreta was found stuck not between the pages of ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’, ‘Lolita’, or ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’,.but rather several books in Enid Blyton’s ‘Famous Five’ series,.which recount the adventures of a group of young children of the 1940’s – Julian, Dick, Anne, George, and their dog Timmy.

More worrying still, the pages that were found bonded together, when peeled apart, revealed that it was the dog’s playful antics that were of most ‘interest’ to the reader.

Rare copy

Felicity Bland, who volunteers at the University library on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays told this reporter “It’s fookin’ disgoostin’, like. A’mean it’s a University library, norra poblic toilet, la. What’s wrong with Men only or Penthouse f’fooks sayke? Do it at’ome will ya? Y’derty basstuds.”

The works of Enid Blyton are not the only literary masterpieces that have been masturbated on. Stephen Hawking’s speculative analysis of black holes ‘A Brief History of Time’, and a rare copy of Archimedes ‘Geometrical Solutions Derived from Mechanics’ are among other titles which have been used as intellectual wank mags, leading Librarians at the University to suspect that multiple wankaholics have been at work in the library.

University of Liverpool Book Depository Story
Planet of Adventure

Danger Wank

Tandra Grenfell, another volunteer who demanded it be known that

she identifies as a ‘non-binary queer’ told us “Men. They’re disgoostin’. A’mean, wankin’ inna fookin’ booook? Okay, evrybody laikes a danger wank every now n’then, bu’d’yer reeeally have’ta leave your spermatozoa all over chapter wun of ‘Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’? Jeeezus.”

Missing Book

Grenfell asked the SUFFOLK GAZETTE to appeal for the return of a missing book. ‘Servants of the Wankh’ is a 1969 science fiction adventure novel by American writer Jack Vance, which was borrowed from the library last June and has still not been returned. Honestly!

USA shoots down Chinese boy’s party balloon

The Editor
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USA shoots down Chinese boy’s party balloon
USA shoots down Chinese boy’s party balloon

The U.S.A. military has shot down a 9-year-old Chinese boy’s birthday party balloon.

The country’s national missile defence system,.which was wholly ineffective against three massive jumbo jets when the U.S.A.was attacked by Saudi Arabia on 9th September 2011, redeemed itself by hitting the helium balloon almost first time.

Chinese boy, Chang Wang Lee, who lives with his family in Whitefish,.Montana was celebrating his birthday with friends and relatives.when he released the balloon into the sky to the wonderment of those present. According to partygoers, clapping, cheering, and whooping filled the air as the 12ft spherical balloon rose elegantly above the happy gathering.

Shanghai in the sky

Impressed guests risked cricking and ricking as they strained craned necks to watch.the helium-filled rubber orb ascend into the beautiful sun-filled Montana skies. Eyes squinted as the doomed balloon rose above rows and rows of those gathered below.

Chinese takeaway

And then…. BOOM! A ground-based interceptor missiles which appeared to come from nowhere,.intercepted Lee’s harmless balloon, ripping it into a thousand singed rubber particles that scattered across a 25-mile radius around Whitefish.

Understandably, Chinese boy, Lee and some of the other children at the party. began to cry at the distressing sight of his birthday balloon being annihilated by the US’s military-industrial complex. Some of the adults present, especially the men, began to shout and wave their fists in the general direction of the airborne explosion.

However, later on, after the rubber had settled and the fun and games resumed, Little Chang Wang and his friends appeared to have forgotten all about the earlier traumatic event as they happily tucked into some tasty-looking spicy bat wings and greasy Pangolin burgers.

A spokesperson for the US military told the Suffolk Gazette that the balloon had been identified as a U.F.O and as such posed a serious threat to national security. It was destroyed in accordance with security protocols introduced as part of the ‘Grasshopper’ defence strategy introduced by President Donald Trump in 2019.

Socialist movie star Martin Freeman gives up showbiz for bin-biz

The Editor
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Socialist movie star Martin Freeman gives up showbiz for bin-biz

Movie star and telly actor, Martin Freeman (you know… the bloke from ‘The Office’) has announced that he is giving up showbiz to become a bin man.

Yes, we know it sounds unbelievable, but it’s true… kind of. Oh, okay, it’s not true at all, but it could be. Want to know why? Because Martin Freeman is… wait for it… A socialist! Yes, we know it sounds unbelievable but it is true… kind of. Oh, okay, it’s not true at all, but it could be.

Martin Freeman, whose net worth is estimated to be a cool £20 million, and who owns a big, ugly-looking £5 million house in London’s exclusive Belsize Park area, could be a Socialist if he really wanted to be, and apart from the extravagant, Tory-style choice of home and bank balance, the signs are there that he is thinking about it.

What signs?

First of all, Martin Freeman dumped his rabid, loonie-left wife and former co-star, Amanda Abbindon, Abbington or whatever her name is, presumably for someone less uptight. Freeman and whatsername – a former bit-part player in ‘The Bill’, and ‘Casualty’ – starred together in real life as well as hit BBC detective thriller ‘Sherlock’ which had all white actors in the lead roles.

The two filthy-rich left-wingers had planned to remain married until Freeman realized that it was completely untenable for the two of them to keep turning up at anti-Brexit rallies, soup kitchens, and other poor people’s events when they had so much money and jewels of their own. The fact that Abindon comes across as an overbearing, hypocritical snob probably helped Freeman make up his mind. 

The other sign is that Freeman has set up a proper working-class, leftie trash removal business with his working-class, Tory-supporting mates – Dan & Nick – called ‘Lord of the Bins’ which only requires ‘One Ring to move it all.’ We thought that the trash had already been moved when he dumped Abbigdonton, but clearly not.

Tory, or not Tory? That is the question.

This reporter snuck up to the bin van while it was parked outside Freeman’s house to search for clues that might reveal whether he was going to become a real socialist or remain a Tory.

What I saw shocked me. The van was not filled – as I had expected it to be – with wads and wads of cash being thrown away by a man about to renounce his own grotesque wealth, no. Rather, it had some ladies shoes, handbags, clothes, some old opened love letters (which appeared to have been torn in two), and least surprisingly of all, a pair of tickets to ‘The Unfriend’ starring Amanda Abbington at the Criterion Theatre in London’s West End.

Sellfridges goes downmarket

The Editor
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Sellfridges goes downmarket
Sellfridges goes downmarket
Sellfridges goes downmarket

Exclusive London departmental store, Sellfridges is going downmarket… fast.

Following in the footsteps of BP, Amazon Prime, National Rail, all the major telecommunications companies, and the Labour Party, previously unaffordable Sellfridges, has finally turned its back on its posh clientelle in favour of screwing hard-up, working people into the ground in order to make a fast buck.

Gone are the £185 food hampers, £850 Jaquemus puffy leather shoulder bags, and the £150 Fiorucci jogging bottoms, in favour of a budget range of essential white goods including: £190 Beko refrigerators, £150 nearly-new Bush washing machines, and job lot of refurbished Casdon Microwave Ovens at the knock-down price of £16.99 each. Alan Sugar must be shitting himself.

Unaffordable crap

Opened in black and white in 1909, Sellfridges, located at 400 Oxford Street, London, is regarded as the second most exclusive shopping emporium in the capital after ‘Arrods on the High St, Walthamstow, East London. Famous for its window displays, condescending cosmetics assistants, and highly effeminate men’s dept staff, the vast, unwelcoming superstore has finally decided to ‘stack ‘em high and sell ‘em cheap’, as its traditional wealthy clients realize they can’t really afford anything in there either.

We asked one Oxford St shopper if she would be more likely to shop in Sellfridges now that they stock mainly cheap, designed-to-break trash. Naomi N’Gulanga from Hackney told this reporter “Nuh (kisses teeth). Heverytime mi gwaana dat shap, dem white hussies luk at mi as eff mia ah cleaner ah summat (kisses teeth). Mi prefer tuh shop at Marsha’s ier & Beauty Salon eena Hackney, an eff mi waan tuh buy ah fridge, mi wi gwaana fucking Curry’s.”

So there we have it.

PayPal’s long-term dominance of digital payment market under threat

The Editor
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PayPal’s long-term dominance of digital payment market under threat
PayPal’s long-term dominance of digital payment market under threat
Photo by Unsplash

PayPal’s long-term dominance of the digital payment market as we know it appears to be under imminent threat, according to reports.

The e-wallet faces competition from a plethora of big banks, who are working on their own plans to come up with a digital wallet to roll out to consumers.

Indeed, the Wall Street Journal have reported that Wells Fargo, Bank of America, and JP Morgan Chase are designing an innovative product that will allow shoppers to pay for goods online.

The New Era:

Early Warning Services LLL, the company that is the brains behind the money-transfer service Zelle, will operate this new digital wallet, and it will be separate from the work they do with Zelle.

It has also been speculated that this new product could be rolled out in the second half of the year, and there are just a few details that need to be ironed out first.

But what does this mean for PayPal, and how will it compete? PayPal has become a trusted payment provider, and since it exploded onto the scene in 1998, it has been used all over the world. Individuals use PayPal to settle invoices for work undertaken with other businesses, while some will use it to pay friends and family, and there are a few that rely on it to do online shopping, and it is a secure payment method.

The Typical way to pay:

Yet we can also see how PayPal has become commonly used in other industries. In the travel industry, for example, travellers can opt to check out with PayPal in renown websites like Expedia, Hotels.com, and Agoda. While punters can find a myriad top rated PayPal casinos that accept this option for making deposits and withdrawals. Among them includes LeoVegas and Casushi casino, where you can expect speedy payouts, and you will be spoilt for choice when it comes to slot titles to play.

In the meantime, PayPal is facing up to the prospect of replacing their CEO, as the current incumbent Dan Schulman will stand down at year-end.

Growth has slowed down a lot over the past few months, and for those connected to PayPal, it may seem like an unsettling time.

Although talk of a new e-wallet being created poses a risk to the long-term dominance of PayPal, the company needs to adjust and make sure it stays relevant.

Conclusion:

Rather than perceived it as being a threat, they should embrace the challenge. Whether PayPal’s loyal legion deserts the payment provider remains to be seen, but they will have to move with the times, otherwise, they risk falling behind, which could have untold consequences.

Could Kompany be a future Man City manager?

The Editor
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Could Kompany be a future Man City manager?
Could Kompany be a future Man City manager?
Photo by Unsplash

Burnley made a bold appointment in the summer of 2022 following their relegation from the Premier League. The Clarets appointed former Manchester City defender Vincent Kompany as their new manager. Kompany had served as Anderlecht boss for two seasons following his retirement from the game, but had limited success before him move.

Kompany Rise

Burnley took the gamble on Kompany’s potential and have been rewarded with outstanding results and a transformation in their style of play. Under Sean Dyche in the Premier League, Burnley were dogged and determined, but you would never confuse them for a ball-playing outfit.

Kompany has turned them into an attractive side to watch, with Nathan Tella, Anass Zaroury, Manuel Benson, Josh Brownhill, Ian Maatsen and Josh Cullen all producing high level of football on the pitch.

As a result, Burnley are the overwhelming favorites to win the Championship ahead of Sheffield United. By using an offer or promotion, fans can still bet on the Clarets to win the Championship title, although the odds on them winning promotion back to the Premier League are already low to say the least. It seems only a matter of when not if Burnley are promoted back to the top flight. You could forgive the Clarets for already making plans for their return, especially when it comes to locking down the future of their manager.

Future City Manager?

Manchester City will be taking a great interest in how Kompany performs, if he does indeed guide Burnley back to the Premier League. If the Clarets can maintain their standards in the top flight and compete towards the top half of the table, then City might just be looking at their former captain as a potential successor to Pep Guardiola. Guardiola has been sensational in his role, but his contract expires in 2025. He will have been with City for nine years at that point, which is almost unprecedented in modern football.

The Spaniard might be tempted with a new challenge if he wins the Champions League, which would give him a win in every major competition. Kompany has endorsed his former manager’s philosophy and would certainly be welcomed back with open arms by City. There might be a slight trepidation on the part of City given the way former players have struggled at other major clubs, such as Frank Lampard and Chelsea.

However, Kompany had already have proven that he can turn a club and its philosophy on its head in just a short term. TIt will be a challenge in the Premier League to keep the Clarets in the top flight. But, if he can, then Kompany could be a realistic replacement for Pep at the Etihad Stadium.

Drive-thru Mc Crematorium sparks controversy

The Editor
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Drive-thru Mc Crematorium sparks controversy
Drive-thru McCrematorium sparks controversy

Mcdonalds forced to take down its tasteless McCrispy sign board opposite Cornwall Crematorium by the locals.

We’ve all been there. At the funeral of a distant, second-tier relative or, worse still, a friend of a friend with whom you were barely acquainted. You waited around in the cold, nodding at a spattering of complete strangers in mismatched ensembles of black, grey, or purple, before finally making it inside the chapel of rest.

At last, some warmth. Another ten minutes that felt more like twenty passed before the officiant finally rose and began the eulogy. It was a reasonably accurate and endearing portrait of the person you hardly knew,.but as the soulless delivery droned on, your mind began to wander and you inevitably thought about when and what you were next going to eat.

Never again. Well, not for the friends and relatives of dead people in the drab Suffolk town of Beccles, at least,.where the world’s first ‘McCrematorium fast funeral food’ outlet has just opened to the relief of hungry mourners.

Controversy rumbles on

Mc Crematorium Director of Services, Lorraine Fisher, 34, told this reporter how gruesome eatery has changed the way the dead of Beccles are ritually burned. ”Before we opened, services were punctuated with the groans,.whimpers, and sobbing of mourners – not out of sorrow for the deceased – but because they were so hungry. Sometimes you would even hear loud tummy rumbling during the most poignant parts of the service. That’s all finished now with the new drive-thru. It’s like we’ve killed two birds with one oven, if you catch my drift. Cook the burgers, incinerate the dead.”

Golden archway to heaven

Mourner, Joanne Catherall, whose Fiat Punto was idling between two hearses when we caught up with her using the drive-thru, told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE how she is so fond of Mc Crematorium, she is looking forward to more people she knows dying. “I love it. I’m here to bury me mum, but with all the arrangements and sorrow ‘n’ that, I didn’t catch a bite this morning before we set off. I’m Hank Marvin, so I thought I’d pop into Maccy Deceased before we say our final goodbyes. Hello… a Big Mac, large fries, and a Diet Coke, please, luv.”

Cornwall Crematorium

Due to the sensitive nature of its location, and to be respectful of the dead, some items on Mc Crematorium’s menu have changed. The McCrispy Chicken Burger remains but happy meals are now known as sad meals, hash browns, are ash browns, and toasted muffin with jam is now ‘warmed’ muffin with jam.

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