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Ryanair to launch budget space flights

The Editor
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Ryanair to launch budget space flights

By Izzy Jett
Aviation Reporter

Ryanair is to launch no-frills commercial space flights to rival Virgin Galactic, the Suffolk Gazette can reveal.

The airline believes it can tweak its winning low-cost flights formula to grab out-of-this-world business from Richard Branson’s Virgin empire.

Ryanair has identified the RAF Mildenhall airbase in west Suffolk as the likely HQ for its space enterprise once the U.S. Air Force leaves the site in 2020.

An insider revealed the airline was interested in undercutting Virgin Galactic by hundreds of thousands of pounds a flight.

Savings would be made by cramming more passengers onto each trip into orbit, and making them pay a premium for drinks and snacks on board.

“While Virgin Galactic will only attract the very wealthy, our plans will open space travel to the common man,” the Ryanair source said.

He added: “We see space flights being a viable alternative for stag parties who currently fly out boozed-up to Poland, Czech Republic or Amsterdam.”

ryanairVirgin on the ridiculous: Ryanair to rival Branson’s space travel programme

Virgin Galactic has been working on developing its space flights for years. Its US-based program suffered a major set back in November, 2015 when a test flight crashed, but that has not deterred the hundreds of people who have already stumped up the $250,000 price to go to space when the first flights are expected in a few years.

Ryanair expects to develop its craft within months. Passengers will be expected to pay just £1,000 for the chance to go into orbit, a significant saving.

But they will not be allowed to take any baggage on board unless they pay £50,000. Nor will there be any reserved seats. Instead, passengers can pay £10,000 for priority boarding.

That has not deterred some from signing up for Ryanair low-cost flights already. Barry Smith, 43, a plumber from Haverhill, said: “I’ve signed up – the chance to fly into space is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

“I am over the moon.”

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‘I’ve got world’s oldest Polo, and it’s in mint condition’

The Editor
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‘I’ve got world’s oldest Polo, and it’s in mint condition’

image

A Suffolk man claims to have the world’s oldest surviving Polo mint, it has emerged.

Roger Mottram, 49, says the rare sweet is from 1948, the first year they were produced.

He keeps it in a display case on his sideboard along with a note from makers Rowntree confirming its age.

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“It was found in my great grandfather’s trouser pocket when he died and it’s been passed down the family over generations,” Mr Mottram said.

“He never had much money, so this was seen as a great family memento.”

Mr Mottram, who works in a newsagent in Brandon, said he had been tempted once or twice to eat it.

“I quite like Polo mints, and several times curiosity has nearly got the better of me. I mean, did they taste the same in he 1940s as they do now? Luckily I thought better of it.”

He now intends to take the minty treat to the Antiques Roadshow when the series is filmed next in East Anglia.

“I expect it’s worth a lot of money – it’s a unique piece of confectionery history,” he said. “But I’d never sell it; it will go to my son when I’m gone.”

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Polo mints have been produced by Rowntree’s since 1948.

The company confirmed Mr Mottram’s Polo was the oldest they had seen.

“It’s in mint condition,” a spokesman said.

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‘When she gets randy, her extra finger comes in handy’

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‘When she gets randy, her extra finger comes in handy’

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A man with a banjo has created a music video to offer useful advice about dating Fenland women.

With his band, the Ouse Valley Singles Club, he says it is difficult to understand the speech of a woman from Wisbech, but that “when she gets randy, her extra finger comes in handy”.

The video, shown below, portrays life in rural Cambridgeshire very accurately, and confirms how closely related they must be to people from Norfolk.

You’ll enjoy this if you like country music or a ukulele band.

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Sat Nav pensioner drives into River Deben

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Sat Nav pensioner drives into River Deben

By Courtney Pike
Angling Correspondent

A Norfolk pensioner drove her car into the River Deben after her Sat Nav sent her to Waldringfield instead of Great Waldingfield.

Betty Hampton, 79, from Norwich, decided to pay a visit to her twin sister, who lives in a pretty cottage in the small village of Great Waldingfield near Sudbury in Suffolk.

But she got a little confused when using her new car satellite navigation device for the first time – and mistakenly keyed in Waldringfield, the riverside hamlet near Woodbridge, as her destination.

Betty headed off happily enough down the A140 and then dutifully followed the Sat Nav instructions to head east to Woodbridge, rather than west towards Sudbury.

She trundled along the windy country lanes near Waldringfield, went down Cliff Lane towards the river – and kept going at 20mph, straight into the water.

car-in-debenMaking waves: Betty Hampton’s car stuck in the River Deben

Luckily, her car was not completely submerged in the River Deben, and the landlord of the nearby Maybush Inn heard her cries for help and managed to pull her out.

“She was wet, cold, and a little dazed, but otherwise unhurt by her ordeal,” a local fisherman said. “She told us she thought she was in Great Waldingfield, and that there is no river there, so she was a little surprised to drive into one.

“She was able to have a chuckle about it while she dried out next to the fire in the pub, and staff allowed her to ring her sister to tell her she wouldn’t make lunch.”

Mrs Hampton’s car was written off, and a kindly police officer gave her a lift to Ipswich Railway Station, from where she was able to get a train back home to Norwich.

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Greater Anglia trains least likely to have an accident

The Editor
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Greater Anglia trains least likely to have an accident

Greater Anglia bosses were celebrating today after a new report revealed their trains were the least likely in the country to have a major accident.

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Despite a separate Which? survey declaring less than half of passengers were satisfied with the Greater Anglia service, management pointed to the safety report as a true reflection of their track record.

But they failed to mention the small print, which stressed that Anglia trains were the safest only because they never go fast enough to be dangerous.

greater-anglia-trainSafety first: Greater Anglia
One of the Train Safety Report authors told the Suffolk Gazette: “Anglia trains either do not run, or they tend to crawl to and from London. The branch line trains are so slow a man walks in front of them waving a red flag.

“So it’s no surprise their trains are the least likely to be involved in an accident because if there was a collision, nobody would notice.”

Greater Anglia bosses insist repeatedly they are spending £40 million on improvements so that passengers can be more comfortable while they crawl along through Shenfield, or stop for no apparent reason somewhere in East London.

But the Which? report, published today alongside the Train Safety Report, concludes passengers are not getting the Anglia message.

It found 47% of them are unsatisfied, making Anglia one of the worst operators in the country.

Teachers told not to work in pyjamas

The Editor
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Teachers told not to work in pyjamas

EXCLUSIVE
By Suffolk Gazette staff

Suffolk teachers have been ordered to wash in the mornings and not turn up to lessons in their pyjamas.

School heads have noticed a rise in staff arriving still in pyjamas to teach their first class – and some have even worn them all day.

A shock Ofsted report revealed one teacher even attended a parents evening still wearing pink pyjamas and a pair of slippers, while another refereed a school football match while sporting a green-patterned onesie.

A county council letter to all teachers, seen by the Suffolk Gazette, warns them that keeping to a strict dress code is essential if pupils are to be set a good example.

The move comes just weeks after a headteacher in Darlington made the headlines by writing to parents asking them not to wear pyjamas on the school run.

Teaching bad habits: A Suffolk chemistry master in class yesterday

One Suffolk head, who asked not to be named, told the Suffolk Gazette: “It’s hard enough keeping kids awake in class without their teacher standing in front of them in their nightwear.

“Some pyjamas can look quite smart, but most of the time they are embarrassing and not at all appropriate. And the fact they are being worn implies the teacher has not even bothered washing in the morning.

“We have enforced a blanket ban and any teacher refusing to comply will face disciplinary action.”

But a spokesman for the local National Union of Teachers branch insisted: “We will defend our members. Teachers are often so overworked at home with marking and lesson planning that they don’t have time to get dressed in the mornings.”

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Hadron collider to be built on Suffolk coast

The Editor
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Hadron collider to be built on Suffolk coast

Scientists have played down fears that a new Hadron Collider will tear through the fabric of space and time – destroying Aldeburgh, Walberswick and Southwold.

Planners have given the green light for a multi-billion pound particle accelerator which will link the three towns – before looping back to Aldeburgh via Blythburgh church.

Powered by Sizewell B Nuclear power station, the 37-mile atom-smasher will be a ten times more powerful than the Large Hadron Collider in Cern on the Swiss-French border – and will therefore have a much greater chance of creating black holes and detecting other universes.

A train-sized, concrete-cased tube will be sunk in Aldeburgh harbour before re-surfacing next to Maggi Hambling’s Scallop sculpture on the beach. It will then continue overground, ripping through Minsmere Nature Reserve, Walberswick and onto Southwold pier.

imageAtomic bombshell: particle accelerator will be powered by Sizewell

Responding to concerns that the posh coastal towns will disappear into a large black hole, Professor Kat Schrodinger from the Cern Institute said: “There is a risk, of course, and that is why our original plan was for it to pass through Haverhill as no-one would have noticed if it got sucked in.

“But there is unfortunately no large power source in the west of the county so we are pretty much restricted to the East coast.

Yacht club

“The people of Aldeburgh and Southwold are particularly known for embracing technological change and we have a very good relationship with the community. We have already agreed to slightly change the route of the tunnel so that it doesn’t go through the wine cellar of the Aldeburgh Yacht Club.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands that boffins have also reached a compromise deal with town council chiefs to only switch on the accelerator during weekdays when all the wealthy property owners will be safely living in their primary residences in north London.

The detection of alternative realities may also provide hope for local first-time buyers desperately trying to get on the property ladder.

Prof Schrodinger said: “It’s going to be very exciting as the possibilities are endless. Who knows, we may uncover a parallel universe in which Ipswich are playing sexy football in the Premier League rather than hoofing it in the Championship – or an alternative reality where BBC Look East journalists report outside of Norfolk.”

A footpath will be created alongside the route of the machine so while sub atomic particles smash into each at the speed of light, dog walkers and ramblers will be able to enjoy the coastal scenery at a more gentle pace.

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Police probe Valentine’s Day massacre

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Police probe Valentine’s Day massacre

By Rob Banks
Crime Editor

West Midlands police have launched a major investigation after a Valentine’s Day massacre in Birmingham today.

They say the victims were rounded up in the Aston area and severely beaten by a gang with Merseyside accents.

The eleven battered men were said to have been easy targets, who were completely unable to defend themselves for an hour and a half.

Suffolk Police have offered the assistance of specialist officers to help investigate the crime, which was witnessed by more than 35,000 people and was caught on Sky CCTV.

“It was quite horrific to see these men being repeatedly attacked by a well-drilled gang on St Valentine’s Day,” a spokesman said.

Meanwhile, Aston Villa were thrashed 6-0 by a rampant Liverpool at Villa Park today.

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