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Missing elderly ladies spotted in bingo hall

The Editor
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Missing elderly ladies spotted in bingo hall

Missing pensioners at bingo hall

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police believe they are close to finding two elderly ladies who went missing from their nursing home – after the pair were photographed in a Felixstowe bingo hall.

Veronica Wood and Pauline Weller disappeared from the town’s Sunset rest home (as revealed here in the Suffolk Gazette) and have not been seen for days.

But now police have been handed a photograph (above) of the pair enjoying a game of bingo on the seafront.

“At least we know they are safe and well. But we urge them to get in touch and go back to the home where staff are waiting to welcome them home,” a police spokesman said.

The photograph – taken by Suffolk Gazette reader Bruce Foxton – is the only new image the police have of the ladies, who are aged 93 and 87. Officers have previously been circulating the photograph below in their bid to track the couple down.

In a jam: Veronica and Pauline are still unaccounted for

New social network called Town Centre High Street to change Britain

The Editor
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New social network called Town Centre High Street to change Britain

town centre high street

Visionaries are planning to revolutionise our lives with a new social network called a Town Centre High Street.

The offline social network will see scores of small independent shops like butchers, bakers and greengrocers opening up in town centres across the country.

Residents will be able to visit the High Street to buy interesting items, chat to the helpful shop owners, and even get to know each other by engaging in something called conversation.

The new social network is to be tested in Ipswich next year after it emerged nobody visited the town centre anymore, and everyone lived out a soul-destroying existence on social media.

Ipswich residents did all their shopping at large out-of-town supermarkets where they would whiz around as fast as possible without speaking to anyone, except the checkout person to say they did not want to buy any bags.

Ipswich town centreRubbish: Ipswich town centre

Entrepreneur David Albert, CEO of the Town Centre High Street Hub, said: “Some people even do their shopping online. There is no hope for the future of humanity unless we do something to get everyone off social media and the internet, and instead encourage them to interact with each other, in person.

“The Town Centre High Street social network will revive our towns, bring people together, and allow small businesses and trades to thrive.

“It worked quite well for hundreds of years, before the web and faceless corporate retail chains killed off our sense of community.

“Ipswich will be the first to trial our new social network, and there will be low business rates for shopkeepers, and free car parking for all.”

The new Town Centre High Street social network will be free to use, and will not require giving away all your personal information to a multi-billionaire social media guru in America.

Decorating your master bedroom for summer

The Editor
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Decorating your master bedroom for summer

Decorating master bedroom

Whilst many of us will be thinking about investing in garden furniture and barbecues as the summer months approach, it’s also important to pay a little attention to doing up the master bedroom.

There’s nothing like a good dose of summer sunlight to point out cobwebs and some lacklustre paint-jobs in the furthest reaches of our bedrooms, and so this is time the where we should all give our sleeping spaces a little extra attention.

Giving your walls a fresh coat of paint can instantly make any room feel much fresher and cleaner. On-trend colours to try this summer include unusual pinks and greens that can add a sophisticated modern twist to your summer nights. Although it can also be an idea to keep your colour palette towards more subdued hues to keep the overall effect feeling a little fresher.

And there’s plenty of fun to be had in implementing different textures through soft furnishings in your master bedroom. Whether it’s the hugely fashionable patterns of kilim being used in a bedside rug, or even adding a touch of modernism with some geometric prints on your curtains, updating your soft furnishings is a relatively cost-effective way to bring your bedroom into 2017.

The same idea can also be applied to your bed furnishings. Now is the time to pack away that bulky winter duvet, and instead think about how one of Bedstar’s duvets can be a big help in making sure that you sleep with ease through the summer months.

It can also be a fun idea to implement a few themes from nature into your summer bedroom. Whether that means embracing floral prints on a new bedspread, or even getting in on the desert modernism trend, it shows how natural themes can be a great way to make a bland bedroom come to life.

Double bed in room

Of course, there’s always that rare moment when an English summer can almost become too hot. And this is why using a few themes from the seaside can play the psychological trick of fooling us into feeling a cooler temperature. Plus some of these nautical room designs show how clean whites and blues can works wonders in providing a homely, yet chic feel.

So from eye-catching new colour schemes to some light and airy soft furnishings and duvets, there are plenty of ways to revamp your master bedroom for summer 2017!

Suffolk man makes candle from his ear wax

The Editor
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Suffolk man makes candle from his ear wax

Candle made from ear wax

A Suffolk man has collected his own ear wax for five years and turned it into a CANDLE.

Jerry Wix, 32, from Mildenhall, presented the candle to his girlfriend as a special gift to remind her of him.

“She was surprised, but seemed to like it,” he said. “Although she did say she preferred the scented candles from John Lewis.

“My candle does not smell that great, to be honest.”

Book salesman Mr Wix says he has always endured producing a lot of ear wax, so decided to turn the condition into a positive.

“Rather than throwing it away, I began digging it out of each ear and collecting it in a jar. I was surprised at how much I was getting.

“Then last month I thought I had got enough. I looked up on the internet to see how to shape a candle and put a wick through the middle.

“It lights the first time and burns quite slowly with a dark yellow flame.

“I am really pleased, and what’s more I saved myself about £2.50.”

Ear wax candle

Health experts say using the ear wax candle will be fine, but that Mr Wix should consider seeking treatment to reduce the amount of ear wax he produces.

His girlfriend, Lorraine Fisher, 34, added: “The candle is absolutely disgusting. I appreciated the effort he put into it, and that it was a loving gesture, but I like to light candles to create a relaxing and scented atmosphere.

“This one just makes me want to vomit.”

Suffolk Police launch new cost-cutting patrol car

The Editor
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Suffolk Police launch new cost-cutting patrol car

New Suffolk Police car

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police have issued officers with a cheap electric patrol car in face of yet more budget cuts.

The force needs to shave millions in costs, and the new compact police car fits the (old) bill.

It is snug enough for just one traffic cop and boasts striking police colours as well as flashing blue lights and a loud siren.

But police drivers have complained that the £900 vehicle can reach a top speed of only 17 mph and needs recharging every five miles. They also get wet when it rains.

However, at least one speeding driver has already been nicked since the patrol car was introduced last week – a lady who is seen pictured above being issued with her ticket on the road to Ufford out of Woodbridge.

A police spokesman said: “We have had to make some tough cost-cutting decisions. We’ve seen other forces using flash BMWs and other high-performance vehicles for their patrol cars, but in Suffolk, that’s a waste.

“Our new fleet of 25 electric cars may look inadequate for modern-day policing, but it’s impossible to drive faster than 20 mph anywhere in the county anyway so we’ll be fine.”

Suffolk Police car

Officers were not so positive. One traffic cop fumed: “I look like an idiot driving around in this.

“Kids have been throwing eggs at me and running off, knowing there is no way I can catch them up. It even takes 20 seconds to get out of the car, so I can’t run after them either.”

Another traffic cop added: “My electric charge ran out when I was in the middle of nowhere outside Framlingham. I had to ask a local farmer to give me a lift back to town.”

Every word in the English language is formed from the same 26 letters, research reveals

The Editor
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Every word in the English language is formed from the same 26 letters, research reveals

26 letters

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All the words in the English language, from the Bible to Harry Potter, from instruction manuals to erotic books, emanate from the same 26 letters, university research has discovered.

“Whether it’s a new, made up piece of slang, a Shakespeare play or an insult shouted from a white van, we found the exact same results,” said Professor Paige Turner from Suffolk University, Ipswich.

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The research project cost £22 million and involved students leafing through classic books, comics and film scripts, Jeremy Corbyn and Donald Trump speeches and even swear words.

“Our research could be a big help to children who have trouble reading. It means they actually have to learn only 26 letters and they will be able to read or write everything in the English language,” said Professor Turner.

“Our findings will be groundbreaking.”

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A spokesman for Suffolk County Council’s education department said: “This is very exciting news. It means we can change the curriculum to teach children all of these 26 letters, and then they’ll be able to read anything.”

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Jeremy Corbyn updates LinkedIn profile to say he’s open to new opportunities

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Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has updated his LinkedIn profile to reveal he will be open to new opportunities from June.

He expects to be looking for a new role after Prime Minister Theresa May today called a snap general election for June 8.

Current predictions show Labour will be battered at the polls, and may even be wiped off the map completely in places like East Anglia.

Mr Corbyn is, therefore, taking no chances about being dumped as Leader of the Opposition, and has carefully ticked the box on LinkedIn to reveal he is looking for a new challenge.

The business social networking site is used by millions to upload CVs and look for new jobs. Recruiters routinely scour the network looking for candidates open to approaches.

A pal of Mr Corbyn said: “He’s quite open-minded about what he could do for a new job. A cycle courier is one thing that interests him, as does being a train conductor – although Virgin Rail would not touch him with a barge-pole.”

Phil Rowles, who runs Bury St Edmunds recruitment firm I Do Big Jobs, said: “It’s clever of Mr Corbyn to update his LinkedIn profile, but sadly his recent work performance will make it hard to find something new.

“However, after Brexit we are searching for thousands of casual farm labourer jobs here in East Anglia. He’d be welcome to apply, but he is getting on a bit.”

Suffolk Liberation Front retreats to history

The Editor
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Suffolk Liberation Front retreats to history

SLF uniforms

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

In this poignant final despatch, the commanding officer of the Suffolk Liberation Front reveals how the once-mighty organisation has been forced to hang up its uniforms and retreat into the shadows. For the time being, anyway.

Sir,

This could be the final despatch from the Suffolk Liberation Front.

I had hoped that I would be conveying a message of hope and deliverance to the residents of Suffolk on this Easter Day, 2017. Sadly it is not.

The SLF has, it seems, lost ground and men. We have been destroyed as an effective fighting force; we no longer have the teeth to carry out any sort of action beyond saving ourselves.

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The reasons for our demise are varied and unfortunate. Firstly our expansion into Spain went badly. We had hoped to help Gibraltar expand over the whole of Spain, but promised reinforcements did not arrive and our supply lines were cut. We lost many good men in scenes reminiscent of the fall of Saigon. I myself, the commanding officer was on the final transport out of Spain.

Added stressors to the SLF was the Suffolk Gazette appearing to move to Norfolk – this was later exposed as a foolish prank, but we lost a lot of morale over it.

Also, the presence of the leader of the DPRK in North Korea on the Suffolk coast took up a lot of resources as we were being paid a lot of money to safeguard the Dear Leader’s safety and peace from inquisitive residents of Leiston.

Upon my return to Suffolk from Spain, I was disappointed to hear from the acting commander, SLF that the promised Chinese reinforcements had not arrived in the county. Apparently they were needed to reinforce China’s border with North Korea and had been diverted there. All 150,000 of them.

I felt that the SLF would endure and decided to visit our recently seized border town of Great Yarmouth. Unperturbed by the lack of SLF patrols, I went into the town, only to find myself surrounded by members of the Norfolk Defence Force. They had created one way systems and others obstacles, and the NDF sabotaged my vehicle, which then broke down on my return to safety. The vehicle had to be dumped and for several days the commanding officer was seen driving a Nissan Micra, quite a come down for him.

A vehicle was soon found and fitted with bullet proof glass for the CO at great cost to the SLF.

Sadly there is now an attempt to inter the CO of the SLF as a war criminal for making threats and for looting Norfolk, crimes that are vehemently denied. The CO was briefly captured in Suffolk and taken to a Norfolk friendly facility in Martlesham and questioned, but luckily the CO managed to escape with his life.

In even more devastating news for the residents of a beleaguered Suffolk, the funds of the SLF have been seized, bank accounts frozen and assets taken. There was literally nothing left, save what the brigadier could carry himself personally to safety.

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There are rumours of a stash of gold and cash, but unfortunately this is not true; we are broke and reliant on the kindness and hospitality of those still sympathetic to the SLF.

Many of our fighters are already interned in a POW camp in Norwich (HMP Norwich) on charges of racketeering, criminal damage and other such made up war crimes.

The SLF currently exists only in name and the odd bit of graffiti put up in rural areas.

The final message to the fighters of the SLF and the agents still in Norfolk and other areas is to fight on in a desperate guerrilla war, ensuring the overlords sent from London are never fully at peace and always wary. We will rise again. Remaining forces are to gather support, resources and train for the uprising that will come again to hold suffolk under a new reign of terror save Suffolk from Norfolk enslavement.

In a final embarrassment to the SLF, Norfolk flags fly over the streets of Suffolk towns this day.

We shall be starting a crowd funding effort to save the leader of the SLF from false internment and to build campaign funds.

To the editor personally, there are forces loyal to the SLF still out there who will burn your home and give you a Chinese burn if you refuse to publish this despatch.

For now the SLF exists officially as the CO, the deputy commander and two others. We operate out of a van.

Falsely accused of crimes we did not commit, we promptly escaped from unlawful custody and make our living on the East Anglian underground, if you can find us, if no one else can help you, you can hire the SLF.

Suffolk and proud until we die.

Sincerely
Suffolk Liberation Front
Commanding officer
Rank Brigadier
Status: On the run from unlawful custody.

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