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Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

The Editor
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Northern people want to be adopted by Suffolk

Some northern people have asked that their rain-soaked town be adopted by Suffolk.

Residents in the Langworthy Ward in Salford, Manchester, are seeking to break away from their dingy metropolis and become an enclave of the East Anglian county.

They claim that despite being hundreds of miles apart, and speaking a different language, the move would be of mutual benefit for everyone.

In an exclusive interview with Rob Radnell, the Salford correspondent of the Suffolk Gazette (When did I hire him? I hope he does not expect to be paid – Ed), leading Langxiteer, Jonqui Farquarson-Everitt, expressed his views most candidly.

He said: “The residents of Langworthy have had enough of the totalitarian, oppressive rule of the City of Salford Council. We seek the rights that the people of Suffolk enjoy – home rule, a county council and true freedom.

“For too long the proud Langworthians have been the thralls and serfs of the self-perpetuating Labour oligarchy in Swinton Civic Centre.

“Suffolk and Langworthy have much in common: Suffolk is known as Constable Country, and we have a large police station with many constables and PCSOs; Suffolk has wide open skies with large trees, and we have panoramic views from our modernist 1960s high-rise apartment blocks.”

Lowry SalfordDreary: this photograph of northern people shows why they want to be part of Suffolk

Mr Farquarson-Everitt, 57, added: “We offer Suffolk citizens the opportunity to visit the shoppers Mecca of Salford Shopping City (complete with a Tesco Extra) as an alternative to visiting the bustling town centres of Framlingham or Woodbridge.

“Like Suffolk, you can enjoy a metropolitan lifestyle in Langworthy without the cost, plus we are close to Salford Quays, the home of Jeremy Kyle! Not that one would expect Suffolkers to appear on that particular show, but they can laugh at all the guests from Norfolk.

“Culturally and historically, we have much in common, too: Constable and Lowry; the Port of Ipswich and the Port of Salford. We don’t have a Black Shuck hound legend, but there is a stray pack of dogs in Buile Hill Park.

“I appeal to the proud people of Suffolk to support our Langxit campaign. There are advantages for both of us, including cheap transport between us (providing you book ahead on the trains 13 weeks in advance).

“Please just get us out of Salford!”

The impassioned plea will be considered by Suffolk County Council at its next meeting. But a spokesman said: “The only similarity we can see is both areas are home to gigantic football teams – Manchester United and Ipswich Town.”

BBC Royals in Need funds Buckingham Palace repairs

The Editor
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BBC Royals in Need funds Buckingham Palace repairs

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The BBC is hoping to raise a record sum for the Buckingham Palace renovation work in tonight’s annual Royals in Need charity special.

Bosses hope the five-hour television marathon will contribute a large chunk towards the £369 million costs of buying some new curtains and a swish new kitchen for The Queen’s London home.

A BBC insider said: “What better way for the British people to support their monarchy than to pay for the redecoration at The Queen’s London home?

“The Queen is a bit hard-up and so Royals in Need is a marvelous way for the great British public to dig deep and pay for the upkeep of her home.”

The Queen is delighted that BBC Royals In Need will pay for Buckingham Palace renovation work
A Royal courtier will collect the cash from the BBC when the Royals in Need programme finishes tonight, with the remainder of the £369 million being paid by the taxpayer.

The appeal is expected to raise over £30 million, meaning work can begin on the first phase of the Buckingham Palace work – fitting new gold-gilded lavatories, and extra security measures to keep the public away.

Suffolk invention helps muck spreading go further

The Editor
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Suffolk invention helps muck spreading go further

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk inventor is showcasing his clever innovation to help farmers reduce with the cost of muck spreading.

Giles Greenstock, 48, from Mildenhall, has added a toilet to the top of a silage tank, allowing a farm hand to add to the contents as it goes along.

The genius contraption is proven to allow one single silo tank to spread manure across 24% extra field area.

Toilet helps muck spreader

“I came up with the idea while sitting on the lavatory one evening,” Mr Greenstock said. “It didn’t take long to put the prototype together, and early results are encouraging.

“Now I am looking for investors to bring this to the mass agriculture market. It’s a shit job, but someone’s got to do it.

Paramilitary group to invade Norfolk, enslave its people to work in Suffolk

The Editor
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Paramilitary group to invade Norfolk, enslave its people to work in Suffolk

Suffolk Liberation Front
By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

A new paramilitary force called the Suffolk Liberation Front is arming itself so it can invade Norfolk and capture its people to work as slaves, it has emerged.

The group has quickly attracted support since plans were officially announced for East Anglian devolution, with a mayor and even a cabinet running many regional services.

But while welcoming devolution the SLF, whose members are pictured above marching in west Suffolk, realised it meant someone from Norfolk could end up ruling over Suffolk – a situation that could never be allowed.

Now the group is readying itself for a campaign to invade Norfolk and enslave its population for use as free labour in Suffolk, which will help out our farmers greatly.

An SLF spokesman has written to the Suffolk Gazette to lay out its plans. The Editor did not believe the SLF threat of violence if he refused to publish it, but thought he’d better print it… just in case.

“Dear Sir,

I am writing to you about the formation of the Suffolk Liberation Front.

Following yesterday’s announcement on Radio Suffolk that devolution for Suffolk and Norfolk is going ahead with our own mayor and even government, we cannot bear to see anyone from Norfolk to rule over us.

We have therefore mobilised and already have agents with a foothold in the Norfolk town of Great Yarmouth posing as a business, the same people have got a Yarmouth girl to turn traitor and she’s being trained in a house in Suffolk right now.

Our intention is to take over Norfolk, strip what assets they have (if any) and then use the population as slave labour when we finally get devolution. For the residents of Norfolk nothing will change, for us we intend on defending our Suffolk borders, throwing all illegal Norfolk-bred people out and putting a barbed wire fence around Ipswich and using it as an internment camp. Bury St Edmunds is to be our capital; we shall be completely self-sustaining here.

The SLF intends on a full campaign of violence to achieve this goal, and we demand press coverage or we shall burn down the Gazette offices (I don’t have an office – Ed).

Our motto is ‘WE ARE SUFFOLK’. We speak for the people of Suffolk and encourage all farmers to join us. We will provide you with the slaves you need once we take power.”

The Suffolk Gazette will monitor developments, but advises residents close to the Norfolk border to ready their air raid shelters.

Off with her head! Pub rebranding in spotlight

The Editor
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Off with her head! Pub rebranding in spotlight

By Our Bar Steward

Greatly exercising the minds of all right-thinking people is the frightening number of pubs closing all around us. In north Suffolk, they have found the answer: rebranding.

Take, for instance, The Queen’s Head at, funnily enough, Brandeston. Previously hampered by this common and traditional name, it has become – proving that less is more – simply The Queen. The old-fashioned sign, an obvious disincentive to prospective customers, has been replaced by an up-to-date minimalist drawing of a wasp.

Queen's Head at BrandestonFrom a Queen’s head…

The Queen at Brandeston… to a wasp, or maybe a bee

Other pubs in the area are taking notice. The Laxfield King’s Head/Low House, after its recent paint job, could become The King but it’s more likely to be rebranded as The Pan-Fried Gosling. Over at the Framsden Dobermann, rebranding arguments rage between proponents of The Cockapoo and The Labradoodle.

The Cratfield Poacher, which was last year subject to a housing planning application, may well rebrand in another direction as Numbers One, Two and Three Poacher Close.

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Ideas are earnestly sought for the ridiculously named Eel’s Foot at Eastbridge. Perhaps something that actually has feet would be good (not a wasp, of course). A recent visitor to one of our ancient village inns posted on the world-wide-web that he was “shocked at the lack of vegan options” as this is, he noted, “the 21st century after all”.

Perhaps embracing said century could be a course worth following for one of the far too many White Horses (a plethora thereof, in fact. Ed.). Rebranding as The Aduki Bean, with appropriate menu, could bring hordes of internet posters to the region.

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Collateral damage of Facebook’s fake news clampdown

The Editor
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Collateral damage of Facebook’s fake news clampdown

simon-young-suffolk-gazetteOPINION
By The Editor

There’s undoubtedly a substantial appetite for satire or funny spoof news – stories that bring a smile to readers’ faces while occasionally making them think about real issues of the day.

But online sites like my Suffolk Gazette, or similar ones like Southend News Network, the Rochdale Herald, Daily Mash, NewsThump and all, are under threat from two powerful sources.

Facebook and Google have just announced they intend to clamp down on “fake news” sites following allegations that false stories were deliberately circulated and shared during the US presidential campaign, possibly influencing the result.

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Targeting clickbait fake news which is published for political gain, or to cause substantial damage to third parties, is to be welcomed, of course.

Yet this announcement is already being widely misunderstood, and many — including apparently sensible media like the BBC — are confusing damaging fake news with comedic or ironic spoof and satirical news like the stories we produce.

The BBC published an article yesterday focusing only on sites like ours — getting our name wrong on one occasion, incidentally — that missed the point of the announcement from Facebook, which emanated from founder Mark Zuckerberg himself.

He wants to clamp down on deliberate and damaging fake news, but right now the satirical industry is the one that might be hit by accident. If Facebook were to clampdown on the Suffolk Gazette, and Google were to prevent us from running adverts, we would be unable to reach new readers… and could not make any money.

And without making any money, I could not afford to pay for the technical and server support for this site. I run the Suffolk Gazette as a spare-time hobby… but for larger sites like the Daily Mash this is potentially far more serious.

[AdSense-B]

I’m always surprised when anyone falls for one of our stories and, as regular readers know, gobsmacked when the so-called mainstream media also get taken in and reproduce them without any fact-checking whatsoever. But these are not stories that could trouble an election result, or damage third parties. Here are some of our stories that got reproduced as “real news” by newspapers and magazines, and I don’t think Facebook or Google need be troubled by them…

– Morris dancers and blind football team in mass brawl
– Suffolk pensioner stuck in a toilet for four days, knits scarf
– Suffolk man admits having sex with 450 tractors

It is also true that I published many stories during the lead up to the US election, but revealing that a Suffolk thatcher had been hired to repair Donald Trump’s hair probably did not persuade a bloke in Texas to vote for him.

And while today I ran a story about a chocolate labrador that destroyed the family trampoline after watching the John Lewis advert, I don’t think this shifted political opinion in the UK.

While Facebook and Google’s fake news intentions might be welcomed, the consequences are far more wide-reaching. If you’re reading this, you likely already follow us on Facebook and enjoy our stories. This might be considerably harder if the lines between fake and spoof/satire are blurred – and Facebook prevents you from reading us at all.

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Chocolate labrador destroys family trampoline

The Editor
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Chocolate labrador destroys family trampoline

A chocolate labrador who couldn’t get the hang of bouncing on the family trampoline has destroyed it in a fit of rage.

Barry the brown lab had seen the John Lewis Christmas advert featuring bouncing Buster the boxer and thought: ‘I can do that!’

But unfortunately it quickly became apparent that he couldn’t – and the six-year-old, who is normally mild-mannered and well-behaved, got furious.

Owner Debbie Smith, 47, from Ipswich, said: “He lost all self-control when he couldn’t do what all the other dogs in the neighbourhood were doing.”

chocolate labrador trampolineWoof justice: Guilty Barry destroyed the trampoline

Debbie continued: “He climbed up on the trampoline and tried for five minutes, but couldn’t get any momentum going. Then he just went bananas and ripped the trampoline apart, which he loved as he was nearly wagging his tail off.

“My kids were very upset when they got home from school because they enjoyed using the trampoline.”

Barry is now in the dog house and refuses to take any notice of Buster the John Lewis boxer when the ad comes on TV.

An insider at John Lewis said: “We are sorry to hear about poor Barry and his frustrations. However, we can not be held responsible for dogs trying, and failing, to copy our Christmas advert.”

Gary Lineker and Lily Allen’s LEFTO bricks game tops Xmas charts

The Editor
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Gary Lineker and Lily Allen’s LEFTO bricks game tops Xmas charts

This year’s must-have Christmas gift for children is a new building block game called LEFTO, we can reveal today.

The aim of LEFTO is to build a left-wing utopia based on the beliefs of outspoken Match of the Day host Gary Lineker, and singer Lily Allen.

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Both celebrities have millions of pounds in the bank and live in pampered luxury, yet feel it is their place to preach lefty politics and berate the right-wing media.

Now children can re-create this happy scene by building their own sprawling mansion out of LEFTO – then surrounding it with cheap housing for everyone else, including all those “child” migrants who should be allowed in, no questions asked, even if they look over 30.

LEFTO building gameBuild a multi-millionare property empire with this box of LEFTO

LEFTO is the brainchild of Suffolk Gazette Games and is already selling tens of thousands of boxes across the country.

A spokesman said: “We can only just about keep up with demand. Kids can’t get enough of building themselves a huge mansion like Gary and Lily – then leaving every other poor so-and-so to fend for themselves in today’s desperate housing shortage.”

Meanwhile Lineker, 55, and Allen, 31, have both voiced their support for rival building game LEGO, which recently withdrew commercial relations with the Daily Mail owing to the paper’s alleged right-wing agenda.

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