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Elderly man’s fury as new loo ‘urinal’ covers him in pee

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Elderly man’s fury as new loo ‘urinal’ covers him in pee

Dyson hand dryer lavatory

An elderly man has complained about the “newfangled urinal” in a public loo – which sprayed him with urine.

Derek Beavis, 78, was horrified when he used the public convenience off Hamilton Road in Felixstowe, because it covered him with his own pee.

The retired teacher, pictured above with the offending item, said: “I saw this newfangled urinal attached to the wall. It was an odd shape but I put that down to everything having to look cool these days. And to be honest I was a bit desperate, so I didn’t look too closely.

“When I began to relieve myself it made a noise like a jet engine and then all this air came out with such force that it sprayed me all over with my own pee.

“It covered my coat, my trousers and even went all over my face. Trouble is, once I start I can’t stop, so I had to stand there until I had finished.

“Luckily it was raining outside, so nobody noticed that I was soaking wet as I made my way back home. I got some odd looks on the bus, though, and nobody seemed to want to sit next to me.”

Mr Beavis said he complained to Suffolk Coastal District Council, but was told the urinal was not faulty, but was in fact a high-speed Airblade hand Dyson dryer.

The Felixstowe public loo was made famous two years ago when local OAP Gladys Phillips got locked in for four days.

Gingers warned to stay indoors as heat wave hits UK

The Editor
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Gingers warned to stay indoors as heat wave hits UK

Gingers warned to stay indoors

Gingers have been warned to stay indoors this week as Britain braces itself for a heatwave, it has emerged.

Pale-skinned red-heads could fry within minutes as temperatures across the UK soar above 20 degrees.

The south-east is expected to be hotter than Barcelona as unseasonably warm air is swept up from the south.

But while most of us will relish the thermometer topping an incredible 22 degrees centigrade, gingers everywhere will be gloomy unless they put on strong sun cream.

Claus Thomas, of the Institute for Sunshine Dermatology said: “While it’s good news for most, the Caribbean heatwave is jolly bad luck for ginger people.

“They will have to stay indoors, or at least cover up with a coat and a hat should they venture outside.

“The risk will be particularly significant in Scotland for gingers, where most people are ginger. The streets will be deserted.”

Ginger-haired Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Ipswich, Suffolk, said: “I’m fed up with everyone saying how great the weather will be. I will get sunburn if I step outside for more than 30 seconds.”

She added that her legs turned a painful pink when she stood next to the cooker last week, so she had to be extra careful.

Weatherman Steve Walshe said Britain was looking forward to the first spell of warm weather this year.

Only journalists excited about rich couple’s wedding

The Editor
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Only journalists excited about rich couple’s wedding

Pippa Middleton wedding
By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Journalists and news broadcasters were besides themselves with excitement today because two rich people are getting married.

But in an extraordinary twist, it has emerged that the rest of the country couldn’t give a toss.

Newspapers have been drooling for weeks over every detail of Pippa Middleton’s wedding with James Matthews, a fund manager with millions of pounds washing around his bank accounts.

Even the BBC is breathlessly reporting on every aspect of the day, with excited articles about possible Spitfire flypasts, a huge glass marquee, and what type of tasty goose liver pate canapes will be on offer.

However, we can exclusively confirm that the general public are more concerned with real news like the economy, the election, problems abroad and Brexit.

Pippa Middleton wedding

Steven Smith, a 37-year-old builder from Haverhill in Suffolk said: “Who cares that two very rich people, who have become famous for no apparent reason other than being rich and who they are related to, are getting married in a service and celebrations which will cost ten times my annual income.

“It’s only the journalists who are doffing their caps and getting excited about it. Personally, I couldn’t give a damn and am going to Tesco.”

Members of the Royal Family, including the three future kings – Charles and William and young George – will attend the ceremony on a private estate in Berkshire.

Office worker doesn’t care what his colleague is up to this weekend

The Editor
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Office worker doesn’t care what his colleague is up to this weekend

Office worker

An office worker really doesn’t give a shit about what his colleague is up to this weekend – despite asking if he had any plans, it has emerged.

Darren Hayles, 27, of Ipswich, insisted he was simply being polite and had no interest in what fellow IT assistant Rick Vance did out of office hours.

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“He’s a little bit boring,” Mr Hayles explained. “But I have to work next to him five days a week, so I pretend I am interested in his life.

“When he started banging on about shopping for a new sofa and visiting his mum, I turned away and pretended I was reading an important email.”

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But Mr Vance was unaware that Mr Hayles had zoned out. “He’s a smashing guy,” said Mr Vance, 25. “We get on really well.

“We keep saying how we should meet up for a beer, but it hasn’t happened for some reason.”

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Naked Winnie the Pooh banned by BBC

The Editor
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Naked Winnie the Pooh banned by BBC

Winnie the Pooh naked

Children’s favourite Winnie the Pooh has been banned by the BBC because he parades naked in front of young boys.

Honey-loving Pooh famously wears a tight red t-shirt – but insists on letting it all hang out below.

BBC bosses are concerned Pooh’s “close friendship” with young Christopher Robin is inappropriate while he bares his bear bits in public all day.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There’s no point making him wear a token red shirt if he is not pressed to wear underpants, let alone a pair of trousers or shorts.

“What message is it sending to our young viewers: It’s okay to go walking into the woods with a bloke wearing no pants?”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk fumed: “I won’t let my son watch Winnie the Pooh. The bear is an exhibitionist with a desire to befriend a small boy.

“He even tries to get up close and personal with farmyard animals, including a piglet and a donkey. It’s disgusting.”

Winnie the Pooh creator A A Milne was unavailable for comment last night.

But a BBC executive said: “We couldn’t have an adult wandering around in the woods, naked except for an ill-fitting t-shirt.

“Especially as he has made best friends with a little boy.

“He claims he is just a friendly bear – but it could be a honey trap, and we’re not prepared to take that risk.”

I wanted to lose 25 pounds in weight, and I only have 30 to go

The Editor
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I wanted to lose 25 pounds in weight, and I only have 30 to go
CakeWatchers
I set my goal at losing 25 pounds this year. I only have 30 pounds to go, so I know better than anyone that following the CakeWatchers plan guarantees success. This week’s exercise is to try opening a bottle of wine at least once a day. Feel the pull of it as you yank the corkscrew. Then reach up to the cupboard for a glass. You will feel the tension in the upper arm and may have to reach on tip toe which you will feel in your calf muscles. Then breathe deeply and relax. I also want you to increase your nutrition. Remember chips are full of vitamin C so cram in as many as you can. With the warmer weather, it’s a good time to tuck into the fresh strawberries. They go well with a chunk of Victoria sponge cake in a pool of double cream, perhaps with some scoops of Haagen Dazs Cookie Dough ice cream. Put it on your shopping list. I say if you can spell it, you can eat it.
Victoria sponge with strawberriesLet them eat cake: Solid dieting material
A plumber called Kevin, from Ipswich, has contacted the Suffolk Gazette in despair as he weighs 32 stone and needs to fit into a trim wedding suit in July. Well, Kevin, I think you need to eat some dinners that go through the system quickly – clearing any toxins from the gut. I can recommend chicken vindaloo for this (47 LARDpoints, not counting the pilau rice, naan bread and Bombay potatoes) though you may already know that from your U-bend excursions. I’m sure you’ve all done very well this week, so give yourselves a round of applause. I know it can be difficult sticking to CakeWatchers but I am here to support you all the weigh! Tesco and Asda have some nice lemon drizzle cakes and a good selection of fresh cream eclairs if you need extra energy for that walk upstairs for the afternoon nap. Remember, you have up to 300 LARDpoints a day, so no need to skip your favourites like sweet and sour pork. And you can help any lettuce slide down by popping it in a very buttery sandwich with ham and cheese. Happy dieting! Like the Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Uber forces Noddy out of business

The Editor
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Uber forces Noddy out of business

Noddy the taxi driver
Television favourite Noddy has applied for bankruptcy after his popular taxi business was crippled by Uber.

The cheerful Noddy spent years ferrying chums around Toyland in his little red and yellow taxi, with his bell end flapping eagerly in the wind.

But the rise of the hi-tech Uber cab service meant even Noddy’s closest pals stopped asking him for a lift.

Noddy, who bought a new taxi on finance two years ago, has now found himself unable to meet the repayments.

His financial advisor, Mr Big Ears told the Suffolk Gazette: “Uber has disrupted the taxi driving model. It’s cheaper and the customer simply uses a phone app to summon a car at a guaranteed fare – all paid for electronically.

“Unfortunately no one wants to use old-fashioned taxi services. First black cab drivers in London were hit, and now rural services like Noddy’s are no longer viable. He is finished.”

Once declared bankrupt, Noddy’s famous car will be sold at auction, with the proceeds going back to the finance company.

Mr Plod will then need to keep a close eye on him in case he falls into a life of crime.

Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

The Editor
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Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

Anusol A140

The A140 in Suffolk is to be rebranded as the Anusol A140 – because the road is a pain in the arse.

The haemorrhoids cream and suppository company acted after cash-strapped Suffolk County Council offered businesses the chance to sponsor the region’s major roads.

In a clever piece of marketing, Anusol executives realised their soothing product was a perfect fit for the A140, a road which is as irritating and painful as piles.

Other routes in Suffolk are also being offered to businesses as the county council seeks to raise £2 million in additional funding. Offers already on the table include:

Waitrose – A1094 into Aldeburgh
Lidl – B1069 into Leiston
Jockey Underwear – A1304 into Newmarket
John Deere tractors – the A12

An Anusol executive said: “Haemorrhoids is not a particularly sexy subject, so our marketing opportunities are limited.

“However, the A140 is such a pain in the backside that it was the perfect fit for us.”

The company is believed to have offered £250,000 to have their name on the road, including logos on road signs along the route.

As a first step, Anusol has been allowed to sponsor a roundabout sign featuring the A140, with Norwich being left, and Ipswich right (Ipswich is always right).

The A140 is notorious for being frustratingly slow all the way between Ipswich and Norwich. Recently a driver was pulled over by police for reaching the dizzying speed of 35mph.

And huge tailbacks of tractors built up on the A140 when the border was closed to keep Norfolk oiks out of Suffolk – a time when the two counties were dangerously close to conflict.

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