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Gerald named Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year

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Rail Replacement Bus Service

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Delighted Gerald Jenkins was celebrating today after winning Greater Anglia’s coveted Rail Replacement Bus Service Driver of the Year award.

Beaming Gerald, 62, was handed the trophy at a glittering ceremony last night after single-handedly clocking up 3,478 bus journeys this year between Ipswich and Liverpool Street Station in London.

The award was even more prestigious this year, given that Greater Anglia did not seem to run any trains at all, but relied on four wheels to transport its frustrated passengers.

Gerald, who is married to Jenny and has two grown-up children, was invited on stage by Greater Anglia managing conductor Jamie Burles to receive his award, even though in traditional fashion the ceremony was 25 minutes late.

Mr Burles said: “Gerald is an example to us all, driving his red double-decker bus relentlessly into London through Suffolk and Essex because our trains are not running.

“He managed 3,478 trips in 2016, which works out at nearly ten a day, so he really was working his socks off.”

Gerald said he was humbled by the award. “I’ve never won anything in my life,” he said. “Even though everyone I pick up in my Rail Replacement Bus Service is thoroughly miserable, it’s a joy to drive them around parts of Essex they have never been to, and probably never wanted to go to.”

Suffolk Police admit investigation was a joke

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EXCLUSIVE
By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Suffolk Police arrested two men yesterday, one for stealing a car battery and another for the theft of a firework.

A police spokesman confirmed today: “We charged one, and let the other off.”

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Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news, the editor of the Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s brightest spoof and satirical news publication, is under investigation for stealing old jokes.

An insider at the newspaper admitted: “If time is tight, then an old joke book is an easy target. Anyway, it’s this sort of childish humour that is appreciated most by our readers.”

Anyone who thinks they can do better is urged to reach out to this publication’s Contact Us page with any mildly amusing story suggestions.

The insider added: “We need to line up some stories over the Christmas period as the editor will be busy working for charity, helping the needy, walking elderly neighbours’ dogs, and in no way drinking for four days solid.”

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Resort celebrates as shark killed, but fisherman eaten alive

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Shark eats fisherman

By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

Felixstowe was celebrating today after the huge shark that had been terrorising the resort for weeks was killed by brave police chief Martin Cody.

But the shark hunt came at a high price as local fisherman Bart Clint was eaten alive just moments earlier.

Mr Clint, a veteran of the merchant navy, had been hired by Chief Cody and town mayor Larry Warne to hunt and kill the shark before this weekend’s annual charity swim turned into a terrifying human buffet.

They took oceanographer Matt Cooper but the Suffolk Gazette editor refused an invitation to join them on board. He denied he was scared, insisting he was committed to covering a local church fete instead.

However, the Gazette did hire a drone to follow the boat overhead as it set out into the North Sea to track down and kill the 24-foot predator.

And the drone soon captured the horrific moment when the shark leapt up onto the end of Mr Clint’s old wooden boat, tipping it front end up so that he slid down into its gaping jaws.

At the request of his family, we publish the image at the top of this page to illustrate just how brave he was at the death.

Meanwhile, Mr Cooper had plunged overboard in the ensuing panic and was presumed drowned or eaten by the shark as well, leaving only Chief Cody on board as the boat lurched to the right and began to sink.

The drone footage showed Cody was being circled by the shark and was destined to be another shark snack, but the ingenious police chief had other ideas.

He found a canister of helium on the boat, which Mr Clint had used to inflate balloons to be sold to Felixstowe tourists when he was not out at sea.

As the shark approached, Cody shoved the canister into its hideous mouth; bits of Mr Clint were still dripping from its teeth. The shark punctured the metal and helium began escaping under pressure down its gullet.

Chief Cody grinned as the shark let out a hilarious, high-pitched squeaking noise as the gas took its comical effect – before it blew up into a thousand pieces as the pressure built up in its body.

Moments later, Mr Cooper surfaced unexpectedly – revealing he had been hiding on the seabed with a diver’s gas tank while Chief Cody acted the hero.

With the fearsome predator now dead, town mayor Mr Warne announced there would be a public service on the seafront to remember Mr Clint, Chrissie Watkins, the swimmer who went missing two weeks ago, two local divers who were also feared to be victims, and Pippet, a small dog eaten alive in front of its devastated owner as it fetched a tennis ball from the water near the pier.

And with that, the Suffolk Gazette ends its coverage of this astonishing saga. It is now safe to go back in the water. Some readers have suggested the story might one day make a film, but no one would pay to see such a movie.

Here is how the story unfolded: initial fears were raised when a windsurfer claimed a shark had bitten a huge chunk from his surfboard. Then, after reports a woman swimmer had gone missing, the town mayor and police chief disagreed over how to tackle the shark problem. Eventually, they agreed to hire local fisherman Bart Clint to hunt down and kill the shark.

Mariah Carey stars in Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke

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Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke
Embattled Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has come up with a novel way of gaining more popular support – creating a celebrity video shoot in his car.

He has launched a hilarious series called Jeremy Corbyn Carpool Karaoke, where well-known stars sing along with him in his official vehicle.

The videos are then posted on social media, with the latest one, featuring American diva Mariah Carey, going viral.

In the clip, the pair sing along to her smash hit All I Want for Christmas Is You, which is now expected to become Labour’s new party anthem ahead of the next election.

Carpool karaoke

A Labour insider said: “Jeremy is getting pasted in the polls, and we even came fourth in the Sleaford and North Hykeham Parliamentary by-election last week.

“His Carpool Karaoke idea is a brilliant way to engage with a youthful audience, and we hope that turns into votes.

“Mariah is a well-known Labour Party supporter, so she was only too pleased to help.”

Felixstowe police chief and mayor hire fisherman to catch shark

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Felixstowe fisherman

By Courtney Pike, Angling Correspondent

The Felixstowe mayor and town police chief have put aside their differences and agreed to pay a local fisherman to hunt down and catch the shark that is stalking the resort.

Bart Clint, a former Merchant Navy seaman who is covered in menacing tattoos, got everyone’s attention at the recent emergency public meeting when he stood up, scraped his fingernails down a chalkboard and claimed: “Bad fish. This shark, swallow you whole.”

Mr Clint, pictured above with his boat, told the astonished crowd that he would find the shark for £3,000, adding: “But I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten. For that, you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.”

He has since been out on a recon trip in his old wooden boat, which does not look entirely seaworthy, with Police Chief Martin Cody and local oceanographer Matt Cooper. Captain Cody believed he spotted the shark and told Mr Clint, in no uncertain terms: “You’re going to need a bigger boat.”

Mr Clint is a veteran of merchant navy trips around the world and replied how he once fell overboard off Devon and was surrounded by fearsome dolphins. It was this harrowing experience that made him the ideal shark hunter today, no matter what boat he was in.

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The three are looking for an eight-foot-long shark that bit Felixstowe windsurfer Christopher Mills’ surfboard. Fears a killer Great White is patrolling the North Sea were raised after it was revealed Chrissie Watkins, from Felixstowe, had gone missing while swimming in the sea days earlier.

Captain Cody wants to close the beaches, but Mayor Larry Warne is desperately trying to downplay the reports fearing it will hit Felixstowe’s booming tourist trade.

Mr Clint will begin his full hunting trip with Captain Cody and Mr Cooper this weekend. The Suffolk Gazette declined an offer to put a reporter on board.

* EDIT: The Shark was killed, but it didn’t end well for the fisherman.

Golden truth behind Travel Ipswich roadworks

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The real truth behind the £21 million Travel Ipswich highways programme can be revealed for the first time today.

Motorists have been left frustrated by the endless roadworks around town, causing lengthy delays to even the shortest journey.

But far from spending £21m to dig up roads and junctions in an apparent effort to improve traffic flow, the reality is that the council is looking for buried treasure worth £21m.

A spokesman for the highways management team said: “It’s common knowledge amongst the road crews that there is £21m in gold somewhere under the roads of Ipswich, and we are going to keep digging until we find it.”

Delayed motorists will be relieved to hear that once the council finds the £21 million gold, it will sell it and then spend the cash on digging up the roads to improve traffic flow.

Gary Rowett sacked for only beating Ipswich 2-1

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Birmingham City sacked manager Gary Rowett today because his high-flying side could only muster a meagre 2-1 win over Ipswich Town.

Ipswich are officially the most boring, one-dimensional and predictable side in the Championship, possibly the country, and now languish in 17th place in the league.

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Unfortunately for Rowett, 42, the whole world and his wife expected Birmingham to bang at least four goals past Mick McCarthy’s seized-up Tractor Boys.

When they managed to only win by 2-1, the St Andrews club board, headed by super-rich Chinese businessmen, was crestfallen.

An insider said: “You know things have got bad when you only beat Ipswich by the odd goal. Rowett had to go. Any fool can outwit Mick McCarthy these days.”

Ipswich fans were fuming at the irony – most want McCarthy sacked, and would welcome Rowett turning up at Portman Road to replace him.

But the Suffolk club’s reclusive owner, Marcus Evans seems reluctant to pull the trigger, leaving supporters increasingly desperate.

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Police chief and mayor clash over ‘shark’ reports

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The police chief and mayor of Felixstowe have clashed publicly over how to deal with fears that a shark is stalking waters off the Suffolk resort.

Chief Inspector Martin Cody wants the beaches closed after a windsurfer’s board was bitten by what experts believe was an eight-foot shark.

But Mayor Larry Warne, who has been a Felixstowe Town Councillor for 23 years, insists there is no danger and likely no shark at all.

He told concerned residents at a packed public meeting in the Spa Pavilion last night: “We do not have a shark problem. The damage caused to windsurfer Christopher Mills’ board was likely caused by a boat propeller.”

Chief Cody interrupted the mayor. He stood up, pointed angrily at him and said: “This was no boat accident!” He then stormed out of the meeting, turning only to add: “You remember this conversation, Mr Mayor.”

Astonished members of the public looked back at Mayor Warne for reassurance, and he calmed nerves by insisting Felixstowe beach would remain open to windsurfers, fishermen, and families.

“Felixstowe is open for business!” he declared with a broad smile.

Felixstowe shark attack

Meanwhile, Suffolk police were last night investigating apparently unrelated reports that a woman had gone missing while swimming in the North Sea off Jacob’s Ladder, just half a mile up the coast from where Mr Mills’ board was damaged.

Chrissie Watkins

A police spokesman said: “We are aware a woman went missing last week while swimming in the sea, two days before the windsurfer incident.”

She has been named locally as Chrissie Watkins, but the mayor’s office insists her disappearance is purely a coincidence and she may have simply left town to visit relatives.

If you happen to be accosted by a shark, this is how to survive a shark attack.

* EDIT: Local fisherman hired to catch and kill the shark.

** EDIT EDIT: The shark was killed, but it did not end well for the fisherman.