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Tipsy commuter sleeps through 14-hour train fiasco

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Tipsy commuter sleeps through 14-hour train fiasco

Commuter sleeps

A tipsy commuter was so sleepy on his train that he ended up on the rails for FOURTEEN hours.

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Richard Williams (tipsy) had a boozy Tuesday afternoon with colleagues in London before catching the 8pm train from Liverpool Street, which should have got him into Ipswich at 9.10pm.

But Mr Williams, 50, fell asleep within minutes of settling down in his first class seat, and slept through his stop in Suffolk.

He woke up in a panic as his train pulled up at the end of the line – 40 miles away in Norwich at 10pm.

“I had to hang around for half an hour to get the train back so I could get off at Ipswich,” he explained. “So I had a pint at a pub next to the station.”

Tipsy Mr Williams got back on the train, but promptly fell asleep again and slept through Ipswich once more – all the way back to London!

“I couldn’t believe it. By the time I got back to Liverpool Street it was gone midnight, more than four hours after I left in the first place, and then there were no trains back to East Anglia until 5.30am!”

Mr Williams said he had to wander about Liverpool Street Station, and had two McDonald’s meals to pass the time.

“I had to ring home and explain what had happened, but I don’t think the missus believed me.”

However, things got worse for financial trader Mr Williams.

He was so tired after waiting up all night that he fell asleep as soon as he got on the 5.30am and, with no one else on the train to wake him up, he ended up in Norwich once more.

Now it was 7.30am and Tipsy Mr Williams was stuck in Norwich and due at work two hours later.

“There was no way I had time to go back to Ipswich to get washed and changed. So I had to get the train straight back to London and go to work.

“I was in a bit of a state, and probably looked a bit rough.

“It was the 14-hour train journey from hell.”

A spokesman for the Greater Anglia train company said: “At least he got his money’s worth.”

Piece of iceberg that sank the Titanic auctioned for millions

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Piece of iceberg that sank the Titanic auctioned for millions

Titanic iceberg for sale

One of the last known pieces of the iceberg that sank the Titanic is being auctioned off in London next week.

Expected to fetch over £2 million, the unique piece of memorabilia will be the star of the show at the Christie’s sale.

Auctioneers are under strict instructions on how to display the tennis-ball-sized piece of ice after an unfortunate incident three years ago.

Then, to the horror of a worldwide audience, a piece of Titanic iceberg melted under the lights while being held aloft by an auctioneer in New York.

That mistake cost the Smythe-Withson auction house hundreds of thousands of dollars in compensation.

Christie’s has assured the owner of the ice, who lives in Suffolk in the UK, that their staff will display it in a special cool box to prevent loss.

The “unsinkable” Titanic sank in the North Atlantic during its maiden voyage in April, 1912.

More than 1,500 of the 2,224 passengers and crew died after it hit the iceberg in the early morning, before tipping up and slipping below the waves.

Survivors scrambled on lifeboats and floating wreckage – and some famously pocketed blocks of the ice as a ghoulish souvenir.

Most of the mementos have been lost in time, but some survived for years.

The piece up for auction next week is believed to be one of the last of perhaps three pieces in the world, hence the extraordinary price.

Auction expert Rose DeWitt Bukater said: “Collectors worldwide will be scrambling to snap up a piece of maritime history – and a small block of ice that shocked the world – and even starred in its own film.

“The ice will easily exceed the £2 million reserve.”

Although the owner of the ice is not being named officially, it is thought to be Mr Jack Dawson, from Stowmarket in Suffolk, whose great-grandfather survived the Titanic disaster.

He refused to comment today, saying only: “I had a sinking feeling someone would identify me as the owner.”

Katie Hopkins attacks Lowestoft’s sexual health

The Editor
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Katie Hopkins attacks Lowestoft’s sexual health

Katie Hopkins Twitter

Motormouth Katie Hopkins has declared war on Suffolk by claiming people in Lowestoft are riddled with syphilis, warts and crabs.

Whilst catching crabs along the Suffolk coast is indeed easy, and often pleasurable, the other conditions are less than complimentary.

The “celebrity” broadcaster made the sensational claim to her 823,000 Katie Hopkins Twitter followers (only a few less than the Suffolk Gazette) during a heated social media debate.

Hopkins responded: “People from the East? The Three Kings. Carrying gifts of syphilis, warts and crabs. Filth.”

Her comments sparked a storm of protest from Lowestoft residents.

Dwayne Pipe, 26, of London Road South, said: “Who does Katie Hopkins think she is, slagging off our town and people like that?

“Not everyone here has syphilis and warts. Some just have your bog standard STDs. The filth bit is quite accurate, I suppose.”

Katie Hopkins Twitter

Ms Hopkins is never far away from controversy. In a Suffolk Gazette column she attacked anyone with a foreign sounding name – and people who were fat (which seemed like another pop at Lowestoft).

While she clearly had Lowestoft in her sights, by declaring “from the East” in her controversial Tweet, nearby seaside town’s were eager to distance themselves from the crabs.

A spokesman for posh Walberswick said: “Everyone here has crabs. Often, once we have got rid of them, we go and get them again. But that’s none of Katie Hopkins’ business.”

Crabs can even be caught just up the road from Walberswick, in Southwold. However, there are no other sexual health issues there, mainly because most residents are too old to get into any bother.

Ms Hopkins was unavailable for comment, mainly because we didn’t bother asking her.

Ipswich Hospital buys giant rectal probe camera

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Ipswich Hospital buys giant rectal probe camera

Colonoscopy

Ipswich Hospital has taken delivery of a huge new camera for its colonoscopy investigations.

The impressive colonoscope will be inserted up patients’ backsides to check for potential bowel conditions.

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The new piece of equipment is the biggest rectal probe camera ever purchased by the NHS, and reflects the growing obesity rates in Britain today.

Costing £137,000, it will be made available to patients in Norfolk, Cambridgeshire and Essex as well as those in Suffolk.

The hospital colonoscopy consultant, Dr Hugh Janus said: “We all know there is trend towards obesity in Britain today, and as a result adults have much bigger backsides than in years gone by.

“Traditional colonoscopy investigations, where a small camera is inserted through the rectum into the large bowel, have become increasingly difficult as a result.

“Now our new camera will fit snugly into the larger patient’s backside and provide us with a brilliant view of what is going on inside.”

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The first patients have already been inspected using the new device, and lubrication has only been required on two occasions so far.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said: “This was a necessary and welcome investment that proves we are creating a National Health Service that meets the needs of modern-day patients.

“This colonoscope camera may have cost £137,000, but we have already found we can claw some money back by renting it out at nights to amateur astronomers, who have been seeing some wonderful sights from the hospital roof, including a great view of Uranus.”

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Sizewell family alarmed by cat’s changing appearance

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Sizewell family alarmed by cat’s changing appearance

Sizewell cat

A family who recently moved to Sizewell have raised concerns after their pet cat’s appearance changed drastically within two weeks.

Fluffy went from being a normal-looking hairy cat (inset) to a bald freak with huge ears and scary green eyes.

Mum-of-two Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “My husband got a new job so we had to move from Northamptonshire to live in Sizewell on the Suffolk coast, close to the nuclear power station.

“Everything has been lovely – the locals have welcomed us and said we should be accepted in Suffolk within 27 years, and the kids settled in school once they got used to wearing smocks.

“But something is terribly strange about Fluffy, who likes to go out at night and explore.

“First we noticed some tufts of his hair began falling out – and within four days it had all gone.

“And then his ears grew enormous and his eyes began to bulge and changed colour from yellow to green. He also now has five legs.

“He’s probably the same cat inside, but to be honest the kids are now scared to go near him.”

Ms Fisher took Fluffy to the local Ipswich vets, who advised her to stop letting him wander up to Sizewell B.

“They wouldn’t tell me why. It’s very odd,” Ms Fisher said.

“Why shouldn’t Fluffy go up there where it’s nice and warm? It makes you wonder if it is entirely safe.”

Sizewell B spokesman Charles Montgomery Burns said: “Excellent! There is absolutely nothing to worry about. Release the hounds!”

Norwich City risk charge of wasting police time

The Editor
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Norwich City risk charge of wasting police time

Norwich FC trophy cabinet

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Delia Smith’s Norwich City could be charged with wasting police time after the club claimed its trophy cabinet had been stolen.

The Suffolk Gazette understands a 999 call from Carrow Road insisted the cabinet, together with its allegedly precious contents, had disappeared from the board room.

But an investigation by Norfolk Police quickly revealed no one at the club could describe any of the stolen items, and detectives concluded it was likely a trophy cabinet never existed in the first place.

A police source confirmed Norwich’s only known cup, the 1955-56 Bernard Matthews Challenge Shield, had been found – propping open a fire door.

The officer said: “The emergency call was traced back to the office of Norwich chairman Ed Balls, who was found in a comatose state surrounded by empty pie tins.

“He was jabbering on about the league title, and FA Cup and UEFA Cup trophies – but clearly he was mistaking his club’s history with that of their larger and more successful rivals over the border in Suffolk.”

Stretched forces in Norfolk are now considering charging Norwich City FC with wasting police time. “Normally people call them a waste of time anyway,” the officer said.

Meanwhile, concerned club staff have called in Yvette Fielding, star of TV’s Most Haunted show, to investigate as the spectre of wasting all their Premier League parachute money haunts the corridors of Carrow Road.

A club insider said: “There has been a ghostly apparition running through the corridors screeching, ‘Where are you? Let’s be having you.’ We think it is the spirit of a sad old woman desperately searching for her team’s next win.”

Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only

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Waitrose to hold open evenings for common people only

Waitrose

Posh supermarket chain Waitrose is to launch special open evenings on Tuesdays exclusively for common people.

The move means the chain’s posh customers now know when to stay at home to avoid rubbing shoulders with the working class.

And it will allow those less well-educated, and with hardly any money, to walk around the aisles hunting for bargains without feeling ashamed.

The move comes just months after we revealed how Lidl was launching Middle Class Mondays – a day when yummy mummies could take advantage of the store’s special offers without anyone noticing.

That has become such as a success that Waitrose spotted the potential of having some segregated shopper time of its own.

Waitrose opening times

Bosses felt that common people did not deserve a whole day with the shops to themselves in normal Waitrose opening times, but they are putting aside three hours on a Tuesday night, from 9pm to midnight in flagship stores.

They say poor people will not have to prove they are common, but as everyone else will avoid the shops like the plague during the ‘shell suit hours’, there is no need.

A retail behaviour expert said: “This is a great move by Waitrose. Poor people would love to look around the store and maybe try to find some cheap kale or pheasant jerky.

“But they are too embarrassed and afraid the posh people who drive Audis and Range Rovers will point and sneer at them.

“Now they can enjoy some special ‘me’ time without being ashamed and self-conscious.”

Poor person Janice Smith, 59, from Ipswich, said: “I’m looking forward to having a nose around Waitrose. So long as the buses run from there up to midnight I’ll be fine.”

Norwich City orders extra ox carts for fans going to Ipswich

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Norwich City orders extra ox carts for fans going to Ipswich

Ox wagon Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Delia Smith has thoughtfully laid on extra transport for Norwich City fans wishing to attend the crunch East Anglian derby at Ipswich on Sunday.

She has ordered the Norfolk Ox Cart Company to prepare 15 wagons to take the Canaries supporters down the A140 and across the border into Suffolk.

The Carrow Road club owner’s kind gesture, which will cost each fan just two groats, will mean the away support at Portman Road could now top 250.

A Norwich City spokesman said: “It’s the biggest game of the year for Norwich fans, who are desperate to see their side beat their Old Farm Derby rivals for the first time since 2009.

“We have just sneaked above Ipswich in the league, thanks to a fluke injury-time equaliser in the last match against Hull, so the demand for tickets is high.

“Delia has shares in the Norfolk Ox Cart Company and was able to get a special deal for our fans.”

The match kicks off early at noon at the request of local police.

Officers were concerned the Norwich fans’ Ox carts, which are considered hi-tech in Norfolk, would not be able to get home back up the A140 before dark.

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A Suffolk Police spokesman said: “There would be no problem once they got back into Norfolk because there’s no other road traffic up there.

“But in Suffolk, they will come across cars, lorries and other means of modern transport, and ox carts are slow and do not have lights.”

The 15 Ox carts are scheduled to leave Carrow Road at 6am on Sunday, which should get them to Ipswich just before the match starts.

Ipswich fans are urged not to throw rotten fruit at the Norwich supporters as they trundle into town.

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