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Greater Anglia’s Suffolk Gazette sales ban ‘absurd’, says Boris Johnson

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Boris Johnson Suffolk Gazette

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has jumped to the defence of the Suffolk Gazette after it was banned by Greater Anglia from its trains.

The newspaper is no longer for sale on trains between East Anglia and London because it is “not compatible” with Greater Anglia’s brand.

But in a damning Tweet, Mr Johnson described the decision as “absurd” and “censorious”, adding the hashtag #NotFakeNews.

Passengers who have enjoyed reading the Suffolk Gazette for hundreds of years were astonished when Greater Anglia removed it from sale.

Commuter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s pure censorship because the Suffolk Gazette holds the train company to account.

“Only last week it reported how Greater Anglia’s record ticket price hike arrived on time, but the trains didn’t.

“It’s that sort of incisive journalism that we should cherish in a democracy.

“But Greater Anglia do not like it up ’em, and have banned the newspaper from being sold at the stations and in the buffet cars.

“They have even blocked the paper’s website from the train WiFi.”

The Foreign Secretary is a keen reader of this newspaper. He has close links with Suffolk, where he has business interests in six fish and chip shops.

His Tweet overnight will add further pressure on Greater Anglia bosses to reverse their newspaper ban.

An insider at Greater Anglia said: “Nobody reads the Suffolk Gazette anyway, so who cares?

“This won’t suit all of our customers or all of our people – it’s certain to draw some criticism. But we’ve listened to many colleagues over the last few months, and we feel that this is the right move to take.”

Planners urged to change Portman Road library to a sports stadium

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ITFC ground

Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans has applied to the council to change the use of Portman Road from a library to a sports stadium.

The planning application is the first step of the club’s efforts to bring back exciting football to the area.

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In recent years the library has been open every other Saturday for people to sit quietly and read either streams of abuse on Twitter or, if they can afford it, an official programme.

But ITFC officials fear dwindling attendances and lack of ambition or excitement means the library model is becoming unviable.

Instead, they hope that by opening a sports stadium they can get people on their feet, cheering, singing and supporting the team.

It is expected the application will be nodded through by Ipswich Borough Council planners when they meet next week.

A Portman Road insider said: “Supporters of visiting teams often sing, ‘Is this a library?’, and for once they are right.

“But our quiet corner of town is not really conducive to a marvelous sporting occasion.

“So we have decided to apply for a change of use from a library to a sporting stadium.

“We have carried out reports and surveys, and believe there will be no noise issues for local residents, while traffic should not be a problem either.”

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Many Ipswich supporters think scrapping the library for a sports stadium should be just the start of exciting times ahead.

Fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Leiston, said: “I really don’t enjoy spending £30 to sit in a library for 90 minutes.

“But if it’s a sporting stadium it could be well worth it.

“Perhaps changing the library manager might also be an improvement? Or investing in some new books?

“Our library has not worked because we have lots of second-hand books that no one else wants to read.”

Some are less enthused. Bookworm Alan Tasker said: “I quite enjoy going to the library every other Saturday. It’s nice and quiet and I even get my own seat.”

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Shock as road actually closed beyond road ahead closed sign

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Road ahead closed

By Laurie Hall, Transport Editor

There was widespread shock across Suffolk today when a road ahead closed sign was actually followed by a road closure.

Motorists heading towards Woodbridge were caught out when they ignored the sign as usual, only to be stopped by roadworks 100 yards later.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, was on the school run when she drove straight past the red-and-white road ahead closed sign.

“There are hundreds of these signs all over the place and usually they mean nothing at all.

“There are hardly ever any road closure ahead, it’s just that the workmen forgot to pick up the sign – a bit like all those lonely cones on the motorways.

“Imagine my surprise, therefore, when I pootled along, only to be met with a coned-off road and workmen actually digging it up.

“I had to turn around and find another way into town. It was quite exciting, actually.”

A spokeswoman for Suffolk County Council highways, Linda ‘Nanny’ McPhee said it was business as usual on the roads.

“We would urge drivers to take heed of all road ahead closed signs, even though they very rarely mean the road is closed ahead.

“It is absolutely not true to say we just leave the signs out on the side of the road because inevitably at some point in the near future the road will be dug up.”

The news comes a year after we revealed the council was digging up so many of Ipswich’s roads because they were looking for buried treasure.

Arsene Wenger keeps Arsenal job, takes on Spurs role as well

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Arsene Wenger

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has done such a good job that he has been appointed Spurs boss as well.

Despite everyone else in the country thinking Wenger has plunged Arsenal into a winter crisis yet again, he has been rewarded with an expanded role.

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Mrs May has been busy reshuffling her cabinet amid perceived turmoil, especially in north London.

But in an extraordinary twist, it is claimed Wenger not only refused to leave his position at the Emirates, but was then handed the Tottenham job as well.

Commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wenger has been in charge since 1996 and it’s been downhill for years.

“Arsenal fans have been calling for him to step down, and the winter crisis deepened beyond despair at the weekend when the Gunners were knocked out of the FA Cup by Championship side Nottingham Forest.

“But just when everyone assumed he would be losing his job, Theresa May has ensured he has kept it – and added another job for good measure.”

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Spurs fans were shaking their heads in disbelief today.

Steve Walshe, from Harlow in Essex said: “Theresa May’s reshuffle has backfired spectacularly. Wenger is not welcome.”

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has not only kept his role in today’s reshuffle, he has added the department for Social Care to his portfolio.

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A14 in Suffolk upgraded to a motorway

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A14 in Suffolk

By Laurie Hall, Transport Editor

Google Maps has leaked news that the A14 in Suffolk is being upgraded to motorway status.

Newspapers such as this have been under strict embargo not to publish the revelation until next week – but Google has jumped the gun.

Anyone looking at Google Maps today (reprinted above) will clearly see A14(M) in blue along the length of the A14 from Newmarket in the west to Felixstowe in the east.

Motorists who are fed up with constant delays and poor surfacing on the A14, currently only a dual carriageway, will be delighted by the news.

Plans to be announced officially by the Department of Transport next week include making the A14 three lanes throughout, and forcing lorries to stick to the inside lane from 7am to 7pm each week day.

The upgrade, which will cost £790 million and be completed within two years, will bring the first ever motorway to Suffolk, so often seen as a transport backwater.

It will reduce travel time and also help the local business infrastructure.

Felixstowe Port, in particular, will benefit from the news.

Suffolk motorist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is fantastic news – we have suffered on the A14 in Suffolk for too long. Turning it into a motorway is very exciting and will bring huge benefits to local people and businesses.

“Now we can only hope they will also upgrade the A12 through the county – and even the A140 to Norwich, so that we can get away from Norfolk as quickly as possible.”

Chris Salamé, spokesman for the Department of Transport said: “We can not comment on this until next week.”

American giant targets much-loved Suffolk business

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Following news that Aspall cider has been snapped up by American giant Molson Coors for £40 million, it has emerged another leading Suffolk business is being targeted by the Americans.

The Suffolk Gazette, Britain’s favourite local newspaper, has been approached by US-based The Onion in a £9.99 hostile takeover bid.

The Aspall deal shocked Suffolk consumers over the weekend, but news that The Onion, America’s huge satirical website, is after the Suffolk Gazette is a real blow to the community.

Residents value the independence and factual reporting of the Suffolk Gazette, which has published all the goings on in the county, and a few from Norfolk, on its website for hundreds of years.

A spokesman for the newspaper said: “We can confirm that The Onion has made an approach to purchase the Suffolk Gazette and all its assets for £9.99.

“This amount includes the Suffolk Gazette’s debt, which amounts to an unpaid bar tab at the Greyhound Public house in Ipswich.

“The board of the Suffolk Gazette does not want to sell the newspaper, but is happy for The Onion to pay the bar bill.”

American giant targets Suffolk Gazette

Records at Companies House indicate the Suffolk Gazette turned over £2.99 last year with a gross profit of £1.05, making The Onion’s £9.99 valuation a fair one.

But staff at the Ipswich-based media empire believe it will be a terrible decision to allow The Onion to take over.

Crime correspondent Hugh Dunnett, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “The Americans would ruin the Suffolk Gazette. They don’t really get the British humour. They even spell humour humor.

“We will consider taking strike action if this goes ahead. We are fully behind the editor, except when he has had five pints of Adnams and a curry.”

The Suffolk Gazette is famous for cutting-edge exclusives such as ‘Seagull rips off nude sunbather’s tesicle’, and ‘Morris dancers and blind footballers in mass brawl’.

Ipswich dumped out of FA Cup to concentrate on mid-table finish

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Ipswich fans FA Cup final

Ipswich Town lost in the FA Cup so they could concentrate on finishing in a boring mid-table league position again, it has emerged.

Manager Mick McCarthy’s tactics ensured the Tractor Boys lost in the third round of the FA Cup for the EIGHTH year running.

Now Ipswich can spend the rest of the season with absolutely nothing to play for, probably finishing anywhere from 12th to 15th in the Championship.

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Fans were perplexed why their team, playing at home against a Sheffield United side that had made eight changes, could not even get one shot on target in the whole 90 minutes.

They were further surprised that in-form striker Joe Garner was left on the bench throughout while Freddie Sears, who has not scored for 15 years, led the front line for the whole game.

Young prospects were left out of the squad and even a new striker from Ireland was not given any game time as Ipswich huffed and puffed to a tedious 1-0 defeat.

But now McCarthy has made clear that avoiding any further FA Cup distractions – especially in the 40th anniversary year of Ipswich winning the trophy – means everyone can now concentrate on being bored rigid.

He told hacks at the post-match press conference he was “pleased” with the performance.

Now we know why – because he can make life as an Ipswich fan as interesting and inspiring as Delia Smith’s cooking.

Supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We have been in the Championship for 15 years in a row and we are bored out of our skulls watching dull, percentage football.

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“We specialise in finishing mid-table with no promotion-pushing excitement, and no relegation-fearing excitement whatsoever.

“But praise the Lord! McCarthy has yet again made sure we do not have any fun in the FA Cup because he detests the competition, which he sees as a distraction.

“What is it distracting us from, exactly? It’s distracting us from the tedium of following a team that is going nowhere, that’s what.”

Losing in the FA Cup third round also ensures Ipswich Town do not get any extra gate receipts or television money.

However, canny club bosses will cover that certainty by selling some of their best players, including centre back Tommy Smith, who will be leaving for Colorado.

Trump proves he has bigger buttons than Kim Jong-un

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Trump button

President Trump insists his suit buttons are bigger than Kim Jong-un’s buttons, it has emerged.

The American President slapped down the North Korean leader by showing off his huge buttons in Washington today.

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Mr Jong-un had claimed the button on his shiny suit could be done up at any time he wanted.

But Mr Trump, who has had enough of North Korea’s fastener outrages, hit back with some school playground tit-for-tat baiting.

A White House insider said: “The President wanted to make it perfectly clear that his button was bigger than Kim Jong-un’s button.

“To prove it, he paraded in front of the cameras on the White House lawn today, showing off his ridiculously huge buttons.

“The buttons are massive – about the same size of Jong-un’s haircut.

“We’re now all waiting for Kim Jong-un to come out with even bigger buttons, but we’re not worried because his won’t work.”

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Some clothing experts are concerned that Mr Trump is able to access his buttons so easily.

One said: “It could put the world in peril if he got hold of one of the buttons and released it.

“It would be safer for us all if Mr Trump and irresponsible world leaders like the North Korean chap just wore jumpers instead.”

A spokesman for the North Korean regime said: “There can be no doubt that the Dear Leader has the biggest button in the world – he needs it to keep his fecking trousers up.”

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