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Lowestoft bids for UK City of Culture 2021 title

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Lowestoft bids for UK City of Culture 2021 title

Lowestoft is launching a surprise bid to be named the UK City of Culture 2021, it has emerged.

The upmarket Suffolk resort, which is Britain’s most easterly spot, has formed a special committee to build a compelling case to replace Hull as a city of distinctive cultural heritage.

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Top priority is for Lowestoft to be upgraded to an actual city, so plans are already under way for the Lowestoft Community Church, which is curiously positioned in the middle of an industrial estate, to be turned into a cathedral.

Lowestoft Community ChurchMagnificent: new Lowestoft Cathedral

The Lowestoft Internationally Desirable Location (LIDL) committee is required to prove the town has an ingrained cultural heritage that has enriched the lives of residents and visitors from home and abroad.

And they have found the perfect solution to trumpet the bid, using the town’s most famous musical talent from the past two centuries – local rock band, The Darkness.

Famous for their classic 2003 festive hit Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End), the group, led by Justin Hawkins, will be penning a special LIDL anthem to support the bid for UK City of Culture 2021.

The Darkness, LowestoftThe Darkness: striking a chord for Lowestoft

LIDL chairman Derek Thomas, 73, said: “Lowestoft has so much to offer. There’s our sunshine coast with crystal clear blue seas, a historic town centre rich in crafts, arts and culinary culture stemming all the way back to the days when it was packed with delightful trawlermen.

“And there is bustling shopping and nightlife, all of which explains why we have been able to attract such high-class residents. London Road South is one of Britain’s most prestigious residential addresses, for example.”

If Lowestoft’s application for the UK City of Culture 2021 is successful, the city would win £3 million from the Heritage Fund to reinvest in economic growth.

“It would mean we could add even more betting, charity and pound shops,” explained Mr Thomas.

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The Government announced last week that 11 other cities had joined the race to win the prestigious title, which Hull won unexpectedly last time. Names in the contest include Swansea, Wells and Hereford.

Despite all of Lowestoft’s stunning attractions, culture and fascinating heritage, some visitors have been less than impressed. One recent review on TripAdvisor reads: “If ever you need a reminder that the days of visiting the quintessential British seaside town are over, this is it. It’s winter and we didn’t go for anything other than a walk along the seafront and a bite to eat but wish we hadn’t bothered. This harbour area as they call it, looks dismal with miles of temporary ugly metal fencing.

“We walked to the town centre and played dodge the dog poo on the way. The main shopping area has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and the High Street further down is run down and neglected. Add to that the number of drunks around and I think it would be fair to say we won’t be in a hurry to return.”

Lowestioft town centreOdds on: punters in Lowestoft city centre will back the City of Culture bid

Another TripAdvisor review lamented: “I went into the town on a Saturday afternoon. Horrifying – a male thug ran at me from the Old Blue Anchor and tried to target me with his vomit. When I stood back in surprise he said, ‘What you looking at, you prick? I’ll kill you where you stand’. Is this the norm in this area? Count me out.”

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Kim Jong-un scores nine goals for North Korea in World Cup qualifier

The Editor
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Kim Jong-un scores nine goals for North Korea in World Cup qualifier

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un scored all nine goals as his country crushed Vietnam in a World Cup qualifier last night.

The official news agency for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) in Pyongyang reports today how the gifted striker ran the Vietnamese defence ragged and was easily the man of the match.

Playing in front of 250,000 fans packed into the national stadium, Jong-un bagged five goals in the first half before helping himself to four more in the second in the stunning 9-0 victory.

North Korea now tops its Asian World Cup qualifying group by 27 points, according to the North Korean Central News Agency.

Kim Jong-un scores nine goals as North Korea crush Vietnam in World Cup qualifierWonder strike: Kim Jong-un celebrates his sixth goal, an incredible 50-yard shot into the top corner
The official match report says Jong-un was naturally two-footed and, being six-feet four inches tall, was a great header of the ball. It added that his natural strength meant opposition teams were unable to get the ball off him.

North Korea football

It continued: “It was a masterful display from the glorious leader. He could have got many more than nine goals, but he was very unselfish and passed to other members of the team when he could have scored himself.

“One goal was a 50-yard screamer, two more were headers from outside the box, while in another he picked up the ball from his own corner flag and dribbled past all eleven of the Vietnam players before blasting the ball into the empty net. The crowd loved it and were chanting his name all evening.”

Jong-un’s heroics on the football pitch — he has now scored 176 goals for the national team in just 33 appearances — echo previous family sporting exploits.

His father, the former leader Kim Jong-il, was a scratch golfer who once famously scored 12 holes in one in a single round. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-un is also an adept rugby player who has given private coaching lessons to England and Australia.

He is also an accomplished mountaineer and has completed five solo ascents of Mount Everest.

Awards gaffe names Ipswich as most desirable place to live in UK

The Editor
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Awards gaffe names Ipswich as most desirable place to live in UK

Ipswich was sensationally named as the best place to live in the UK – before someone realised the awards presenter had been given the wrong envelope.

Guests at a lavish ceremony gasped in shock when Suffolk’s dreary and crime-ridden county town beat idyllic places like the Isle of Wight and Bournemouth to the coveted title.

But just as the town’s mayor was about to give his tearful acceptance speech, organisers discovered the ‘winning’ envelope was actually for the Most Miserable Town Award.

Instead, Bebbington on the Wirral was named top spot – and just to add insult to injury, north-west Norwich bagged second.

The error is by far the most embarrassing gaffe ever during the long and glamorous history of the Most Desirable Places to Live in the UK awards, conducted by the Centre for Economics and Business Research (Cebr) on behalf of Royal Mail.

Ipswich has changed from a once-proud industrial town with a great town centre shopping experience into a grey, downmarket urbanisation where crime is rising and the general malaise has even hit the town’s once-proud football club.

Ipswich town centreDreary: Ipswich town centre on another exciting evening
In an ironic twist, the official results published yesterday, which use postcodes, economic indicators and census results to come to a conclusion, names IP5 Ipswich in the official Top Ten.

However, anyone with an ounce of local knowledge will tell you this is the postcode for the well-heeled and generally well-off areas of Rushmere St Andrew, Martlesham Heath and Kesgrave – far removed from the grim reality of living in Ipswich.

An insider at Ipswich Borough Council said: “We thought it was odd when the presenter opened the envelope and named us as the winner. We were delighted, of course, but then it was cruelly taken away from us.

“It was all rather humiliating, but congratulations to Bebbington on the Wirral.”

Vegan to give up being smug for Lent

The Editor
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Vegan to give up being smug for Lent

A vegan has decided she is going to give up being smug for Lent, it has emerged.

Gemma Smithson, 29, of Woodbridge, has confirmed she will not thrust her annoyingly virtuous beliefs down everyone else’s throats for 40 whole days.

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“It’s not that I am religious at all, but I wanted to respect Lent by giving up something for 40 days. I am really rather wonderful because I do not consume animals products of any kind, nor do I have tasty sugary treats, smoke or drink alcohol.

“But that does all mean I am extremely smug, and I like to drop the fact that I am vegan into conversation about three times every hour.

“So it seemed the hardest thing for me to give up this Lent is being so pleased with myself.”

Vegan gives up being smug for LentPious pledge: vegan Gemma Smithson says she will stop being smug for Lent

Lent begins tomorrow (wednesday) and lasts for six weeks.

Gemma added: “I will also try to stop challenging people when they are about to tuck into their favourite bacon sandwich. I mean, I think it is my place to ask them if they are aware how animals are massacred for their eating pleasure. I’ll even offer to send them links to some informative videos on the subject.

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“But for 40 days you won’t hear a peep out of me. Even if you have beef juices dripping down your chin, I won’t say a word.”

However, friends of Gemma, who is a yoga, wellness and mindfullness life coach, feared she would break her Lent vow. One said: “She won’t last five bloody minutes before forcing some veganism crap upon us.”

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Facebook activates fake news filter, all stories now true

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Facebook activates fake news filter, all stories now true

Facebook has now activated its software to filter out fake news, meaning all stories on the social media site can be accepted as true, it has emerged.

Founder Mark Zuckerberg revealed he wanted to clamp down on false articles being shared on his Facebook news feeds – and ordered his coding experts to develop a way of filtering them out.

Tests were successful and now all Facebook users will be protected from fake news and misinformation, which has been blamed on influencing everything from the US election to people’s perception of Norfolk.

Already Facebook users are reporting a difference on their Facebook news feed, with no sign of questionable stories from US President Donald Trump’s office for propaganda.

Also now banned from appearing on Facebook are many articles from British newspapers such as the Daily Mail and The Sun, which are said to skew the truth far too often.

But respected news sources like the Suffolk Gazette can be shared on Facebook as usual without penalty.

Fake news banned on FacebookLiked: Facebook has activated its long-awaited fake news filter
An insider at Facebook’s HQ said: “The fake news filter is working extremely well. Users may not have noticed at first, but now the cat is out of the bag they can look down their news feed and realise that any article appearing there is 100% true.”

He declined to reveal how the fake filter works, but did say it is one of the most intricate pieces of software coding to ever come out of California.

A spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette said: “This is a great victory for independent and honest news publishers like the Suffolk Gazette. For too long people have been sharing made-up rubbish on Facebook, and these types of stories have unfortunately influenced people.

“Now we are honoured that Facebook has given us accreditation to continue publishing stories that can be shared by millions of people on Facebook.”

Greater Anglia invests in faster, greener locomotives

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Greater Anglia invests in faster, greener locomotives

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia trains is developing a new line of locomotives that will be faster and more reliable than its current vintage fleet.

The hamster-powered stock, revealed in our exclusive footage, above, will be used on the mainline from London Liverpool Street to East Anglia, and will reach speeds of up to five miles an hour, considerably faster than the current units.

A Greater Anglia insider said: “Using hamster power is cheaper, faster and cleaner than our current trains. It only takes a few seeds and a bottle of water and then, hey presto, we have a more reliable train service than ever before.”

Staff added that new hamster-powered trains could be introduced as early as next year, with the hamster being swapped for a fresh one every two stops.

But passengers were concerned about animal cruelty. One commuter said: “Working for Greater Anglia is barbaric.”

Trials are currently ongoing at the Ilford depot, from where secret footage was leaked to the Suffolk Gazette. Our film, at the top of the page, shows a hamster powering its way along the track towards Brentwood.

Fish pie plagiarism row leaves bitter taste in village

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Fish pie plagiarism row leaves bitter taste in village

Fish pie plagiarism row splits village
An unholy row over the ownership of a fish pie recipe has divided church-goers in a picture-postcard Suffolk village.

When Doreen Blanche, 82, submitted her delicious seafood recipe to the St Warren Parish Church newsletter in Little Brimmer, little did she know it would lead to a legal battle that has cost her thousands of pounds – and many friends.

For within hours of the church pamphlet being pushed through letter boxes of the village’s quaint thatched cottages and farm houses, all hell broke loose.

Maggie Trenter, 77, who serves on the local parish council and is a key member of the St Warren church choir, went purple with rage, claiming the tasty fish pie dish was her invention, not Mrs Blanche’s.

Mrs Trenter demanded an acknowledgement that the recipe was her own, and that she had given it to Mrs Blanche many years ago because she was hosting a local women’s institute supper.

But when Mrs Blanche refused to credit Mrs Trenter for the recipe, which has a very specific blend of cod, haddock, prawns, peas and herbs, the lawyers were called in.

Even the intervention of long-serving St Warren’s vicar, the Rev Evan Elpuss failed to dissuade Mrs Trenter from pressing on with a claim for plagiarism.

The Rev Elpuss even made mention of the row in a Sunday service, using his popular sermon to beg for forgiveness for those who have sinned in the kitchen.

Now, after months of solicitors’ letters and mounting legal costs, Mrs Blanche has been forced to admit the lovely fish pie dish was, in fact, Mrs Trenter’s creation.

She has been made to settle her own and Mrs Trenter’s legal costs of £4,250, plus write an apology in the latest issue of the Little Brimmer parish newsletter.

There is still much ill-feeling in the village, however, and Mrs Blanche has resigned from the women’s institute and put her house up for sale.

“I have never felt so vilified over a fish pie. I want to make a new start,” she told our reporter, before closing the door.

Mrs Trenter refused to comment, but a statement from her lawyer said: “Mrs Trenter excels at cooking and had created a wonderful fish pie recipe in 1979, using a secret blend of white fish fillets, herbs and of course potato.

“She is quite rightly defensive of her work, and when she let Mrs Blanche have the recipe to help out at a luncheon, she never expected her to pass it off as her own creation in the parish newsletter many years later.”

The Rev Elpuss was unavailable for comment, but church rector Neil Cushion said: “It’s fair to say tempers were a little stretched. We are reviewing the content strategy of our newsletter, and may decide to withdraw the recipe section from future issues.”

Cow reveals it does not lay down because it is about to rain

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Cow reveals it does not lay down because it is about to rain

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A cow has revealed it likes nothing more than to trick humans into thinking it is about to rain.

Ethel the cow says she only has to lay down in her field to send every man, woman and child running for cover.

“They seem to have got it into their heads that if I lay down it is a sure sign it will pour with rain,” she said.

“This is absolute bollocks – if I lie on the ground it is because I am tired or that I want to be comfortable while chewing the cud.”

Cow lay down will it rainPull the udder one: Ethel likes practical joke
Ethel, five, who works as a milk production executive, added: “Humans think they know better than us, so we like to play along – it helps pass the time of day. Sometimes I will lay down and then get straight up again, only to lay down once more. Humans are totally confused by this.”

Elderly wife Norah Steeple, 84, from Framlingham, confirmed: “Cows do not lay down because it is about to rain. This is an old wives tale.”

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