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Naked Winnie the Pooh banned by BBC

The Editor
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Naked Winnie the Pooh banned by BBC

Winnie the Pooh naked

Children’s favourite Winnie the Pooh has been banned by the BBC because he parades naked in front of young boys.

Honey-loving Pooh famously wears a tight red t-shirt – but insists on letting it all hang out below.

BBC bosses are concerned Pooh’s “close friendship” with young Christopher Robin is inappropriate while he bares his bear bits in public all day.

A spokesman for the BBC said: “There’s no point making him wear a token red shirt if he is not pressed to wear underpants, let alone a pair of trousers or shorts.

“What message is it sending to our young viewers: It’s okay to go walking into the woods with a bloke wearing no pants?”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk fumed: “I won’t let my son watch Winnie the Pooh. The bear is an exhibitionist with a desire to befriend a small boy.

“He even tries to get up close and personal with farmyard animals, including a piglet and a donkey. It’s disgusting.”

Winnie the Pooh creator A A Milne was unavailable for comment last night.

But a BBC executive said: “We couldn’t have an adult wandering around in the woods, naked except for an ill-fitting t-shirt.

“Especially as he has made best friends with a little boy.

“He claims he is just a friendly bear – but it could be a honey trap, and we’re not prepared to take that risk.”

I wanted to lose 25 pounds in weight, and I only have 30 to go

The Editor
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I wanted to lose 25 pounds in weight, and I only have 30 to go
CakeWatchers
I set my goal at losing 25 pounds this year. I only have 30 pounds to go, so I know better than anyone that following the CakeWatchers plan guarantees success. This week’s exercise is to try opening a bottle of wine at least once a day. Feel the pull of it as you yank the corkscrew. Then reach up to the cupboard for a glass. You will feel the tension in the upper arm and may have to reach on tip toe which you will feel in your calf muscles. Then breathe deeply and relax. I also want you to increase your nutrition. Remember chips are full of vitamin C so cram in as many as you can. With the warmer weather, it’s a good time to tuck into the fresh strawberries. They go well with a chunk of Victoria sponge cake in a pool of double cream, perhaps with some scoops of Haagen Dazs Cookie Dough ice cream. Put it on your shopping list. I say if you can spell it, you can eat it.
Victoria sponge with strawberriesLet them eat cake: Solid dieting material
A plumber called Kevin, from Ipswich, has contacted the Suffolk Gazette in despair as he weighs 32 stone and needs to fit into a trim wedding suit in July. Well, Kevin, I think you need to eat some dinners that go through the system quickly – clearing any toxins from the gut. I can recommend chicken vindaloo for this (47 LARDpoints, not counting the pilau rice, naan bread and Bombay potatoes) though you may already know that from your U-bend excursions. I’m sure you’ve all done very well this week, so give yourselves a round of applause. I know it can be difficult sticking to CakeWatchers but I am here to support you all the weigh! Tesco and Asda have some nice lemon drizzle cakes and a good selection of fresh cream eclairs if you need extra energy for that walk upstairs for the afternoon nap. Remember, you have up to 300 LARDpoints a day, so no need to skip your favourites like sweet and sour pork. And you can help any lettuce slide down by popping it in a very buttery sandwich with ham and cheese. Happy dieting! Like the Suffolk Gazette on Facebook now!

Uber forces Noddy out of business

The Editor
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Uber forces Noddy out of business

Noddy the taxi driver
Television favourite Noddy has applied for bankruptcy after his popular taxi business was crippled by Uber.

The cheerful Noddy spent years ferrying chums around Toyland in his little red and yellow taxi, with his bell end flapping eagerly in the wind.

But the rise of the hi-tech Uber cab service meant even Noddy’s closest pals stopped asking him for a lift.

Noddy, who bought a new taxi on finance two years ago, has now found himself unable to meet the repayments.

His financial advisor, Mr Big Ears told the Suffolk Gazette: “Uber has disrupted the taxi driving model. It’s cheaper and the customer simply uses a phone app to summon a car at a guaranteed fare – all paid for electronically.

“Unfortunately no one wants to use old-fashioned taxi services. First black cab drivers in London were hit, and now rural services like Noddy’s are no longer viable. He is finished.”

Once declared bankrupt, Noddy’s famous car will be sold at auction, with the proceeds going back to the finance company.

Mr Plod will then need to keep a close eye on him in case he falls into a life of crime.

Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

The Editor
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Anusol to sponsor the A140 because it’s a pain in the backside

Anusol A140

The A140 in Suffolk is to be rebranded as the Anusol A140 – because the road is a pain in the arse.

The haemorrhoids cream and suppository company acted after cash-strapped Suffolk County Council offered businesses the chance to sponsor the region’s major roads.

In a clever piece of marketing, Anusol executives realised their soothing product was a perfect fit for the A140, a road which is as irritating and painful as piles.

Other routes in Suffolk are also being offered to businesses as the county council seeks to raise £2 million in additional funding. Offers already on the table include:

Waitrose – A1094 into Aldeburgh
Lidl – B1069 into Leiston
Jockey Underwear – A1304 into Newmarket
John Deere tractors – the A12

An Anusol executive said: “Haemorrhoids is not a particularly sexy subject, so our marketing opportunities are limited.

“However, the A140 is such a pain in the backside that it was the perfect fit for us.”

The company is believed to have offered £250,000 to have their name on the road, including logos on road signs along the route.

As a first step, Anusol has been allowed to sponsor a roundabout sign featuring the A140, with Norwich being left, and Ipswich right (Ipswich is always right).

The A140 is notorious for being frustratingly slow all the way between Ipswich and Norwich. Recently a driver was pulled over by police for reaching the dizzying speed of 35mph.

And huge tailbacks of tractors built up on the A140 when the border was closed to keep Norfolk oiks out of Suffolk – a time when the two counties were dangerously close to conflict.

Suffolk Gazette editor enters enemy territory, please help

The Editor
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Suffolk Gazette editor enters enemy territory, please help

Simon Young
The editor of the Suffolk Gazette will be going behind enemy lines this Sunday when he crosses into Norfolk – and he needs your help.

Simon Young and 100 other members of Team ITFC are cycling 150 miles for charity on a route that will include a daring overnight stay in the yellow-and-green territory of Potters holiday camp near Great Yarmouth.

After a night in the bar a good night’s sleep, the group, which includes many ex Ipswich Town players, will then cycle back to Portman Road having raised tens of thousands of pounds for Prostate Cancer and the Ipswich Town FC community charity.

Mr Young, an Ipswich copywriter, is still welcoming donations from the generous readers of the Suffolk Gazette, which is East Anglia’s premier newspaper and even has some readers from Norfolk (despite being quite rude about them on occasions).

Please visit his fundraising page – called Simon Young’s Epic Sore Bum – by clicking here and donating anything you can!

“I may not be quite as fit as Chris Froome or Bradley Wiggins,” Mr Young said in an exclusive interview with himself. “But I am fuelled by Adnams, a secret weapon that should see me through this tough physical challenge.”

Football clubs turn to ‘blokes down the pub’ for new tactics

The Editor
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Football clubs turn to ‘blokes down the pub’ for new tactics

Blokes down the pub

Desperate football clubs are turning to “blokes down the pub” for expert coaching advice, it has emerged.

With relegation bringing huge financial losses, club owners have realised bar talk throws up brilliant new tactics that their own coaches seem to miss.

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Anyone visiting a public house on match day, such as the Suffolk Gazette’s corporate HQ The Greyhound in Ipswich, will be treated to high-level tactical discussions not seen in any professional club’s changing room.

Ipswich Town FC owner Marcus Evans is keen to hire at least one pub-goer to help turn the Tractor Boys’ fortunes around – which explains why under-fire manager Mick McCarthy doesn’t want to go to the pub.

Asked recently what he thought of fans’ criticism of his midfield set-up, McCarthy told a press conference: “That’s why I don’t go to the pub and listen to all that nonsense.”

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But we can today reveal just some of the innovative coaching terms introduced by blokes down the pub that are being adopted for pre-season training later this summer.

“Get rid” – clear danger by launching the football into Row Z
“Hit him” – tackle the opposing player in a manner that is likely to cause serious injury
“Get it forward” – lump the football to the Big Man up front
“The referee’s a w**ker” – make sure the referee has a good and fair game
“Keeper’s!” – enable the goalkeeper to leave his line and catch the football
“4-1-3-2” – four pints before the game, one at half-time, three after the match and two more at the curry house
“Keep it” – do not allow the opposition to get near the football
“Get him off” – substitute a player who is not performing as well as he might
“Run it off” – encourages a player whose leg is clearly broken to keep going
“Buy a new striker” – a brilliant tactic which will solve everything

An insider at the League Managers’ Association said: “We accept these are innovative coaching ideas, and that the blokes down the pub are obviously untapped sources of football expertise, but we believe these things should be left to professional football managers who are actually involved in the game 24/7.”

Mr Dan Johnson, who is a bloke down the pub, said: “I have been going to football for 21 years and know everything about the game. I should be running the team – we’d be promoted in no time at all.”

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Suffolk woman puts bins out, defies Prime Minister

The Editor
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Suffolk woman puts bins out, defies Prime Minister

Put bins out

A rebellious Suffolk woman has shocked neighbours by putting the bins out, which according to Prime Minister Theresa May is a “boys’ job”.

Mrs Vera Brooks, of Combs, sneaked out under cover of darkness, clutching the heavy bin bag, then pushed the wheelie bin to the kerb ready for the big dustbin boys to collect next morning.

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But the racket of the rolling wheelie bin alerted a neighbour, who saw the act take place.

Freddie Clark told the Suffolk Gazette: “We always suspected that family of being a bit funny. I once went round and saw her husband doing the ironing. And there is a rumour in the village that they have a son who’s a nurse and a daughter who’s a fireman.

“Everyone knows there are girls’ jobs and boys’ jobs and you expect people to stick to it. I thought it was bad enough when we got a woman prime minister again. There are no standards anymore.”

The Mays on the One ShowRubbish conversation: Theresa and Philip May on the One Show

Mrs May and her husband Philip appeared on the BBC’s One Show sofa last night. Asked if he had much of a say at home, the Prime Minister’s husband said: “I get to decide when I take the bins out, not if I take the bins out.”

The PM then added: “There’s boy jobs and girl jobs.”

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But Suffolk’s Mrs Brooks refuses to play along with the Prime Minister, and seems insistent on doing the bins again one day.

She refused to answer further questions when our reporter called at her house, but shouted through the door: “Go away. I’ve got to mend a fuse.”

If the Prime Minister is re-elected, she is expected to draw up new laws about gender-specific jobs, like Fox Hunt Master and lap dancer.

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Police snipers to shoot people dawdling while looking at their phone

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Police snipers to shoot people dawdling while looking at their phone

Police shoot dawdlers

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

People walking slowly (dawdling) because they are looking at their mobile phone are to be shot under an exciting new police initiative, it has emerged.

Suffolk Police have been selected to test the radical approach to eradicate one of life’s major irritations.

Police snipers will take up positions on rooftops around Ipswich town centre, and fire a single bullet to dispatch idiots who get in everyone else’s way.

Shopping while dawdling

Shoppers who get stuck behind someone who has slowed down to a snail’s pace due to dawdling while reading an important Facebook post, or responding to an urgent WhatsApp message about dinner, have welcomed the initiative.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Ipswich, said: “It’s bloody annoying when someone gets in your way because they are not looking where they’re going.

“You end up bumping into them or having to swerve out of the way.

“I think having police snipers simply shoot them is a great idea. I’m not worried about being caught up as collateral damage – these guys are well-trained crack shots.”

Similar to the way criminals were left hanging on the gallows in the Middle Ages, Suffolk Police say shot dawdlers will be left to rot on the pavement as a warning to others.

Top men for the job

A spokesman said: “We are proud that the Home Office has selected Ipswich as a pilot for this new scheme. We have carefully chosen our snipers and found the best rooftop positions for surveying the town centre.

“We expect work to start immediately, so we hope your readers have read this at home or at work, and not on their phone while out shopping.”

But Civil liberty groups are furious, claiming the initiative is “barbaric” and over the top.

Dawdling is a crime

Ivor Smith-Wesson, of the anti-gun lobby Don’t Shoot, said: “This is ridiculous. What if an innocent person happened to get out their phone while walking down Westgate Street – who is to say a trigger-happy cop won’t just blast them away?”

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