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Suffolk Police offers free cocaine purity check

The Editor
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Suffolk Police offers free cocaine purity check

Cocaine
Drug users are being urged to take their cocaine to the local police station so officers can do  cocaine purity check and it is not “cut” with damaging chemicals.

Simply take your pouch of coke to the nick and tell the desk sergeant you would like it tested for purity.

Officers will ask no questions, but conduct a free cocaine health check to ensure your stash is not cut with a toxic powder that dealers are currently using to make the drug more profitable.

Your drugs will then be handed back and you can leave the station knowing you are safe to snort the marching powder.

A Suffolk Police insider said: “We have been getting widespread reports in recent weeks of drug dealers lacing – or cutting – cocaine with a toxic substance in order to dilute the drug, sell more in weight and make more profit.

“This added chemical is affecting users’ brains and ability to function properly – and may end up killing them.

“So we ask them to simply bring their drugs to the station and ask us to take a look. It should only take ten minutes, but it is great to have peace of mind and certainly not to be sniffed at.”

Corbyn to lower voting age to EIGHT

The Editor
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Corbyn to lower voting age to EIGHT

Jeremy Corbyn’s general election success has been widely attributed to young voters coming out in droves.

Now he is hoping to consolidate his position by bringing in a new law reducing the voting age to just eight years old.

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The Labour leader told the Suffolk Gazette: “We have had focus groups working on this and set up a Great at Eight commission.

“I had a letter from Chantelle from Kensington who said, ‘I would vote for a party that gave me a pony and a nice little stable for him. I think this kind of thing is important for world peace’.

Chantelle from KensingtonPony up: Chantelle backs Corbyn’s plan

“Kyle, from Ipswich, said, ‘Me and all the others in my class think we should get free fidget spinners so we don’t get bored and start bombing other countries. This would make me more interested in that voting stuff although I don’t really know what it means’.

“Holly from Leiston said, ‘My mum never gives me enough pocket money for sweets and this makes me want to riot so I would vote for any party that had more parties, more sweets and goodie bags. I would also like free happy meals. I think politicians are billionaires who like telling fibs and shouting at each other in a big living room with lots of green sofas’.

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“Sonny from Stowmarket said, ‘Giving us the vote at eight is a great idea because we could boss people about and do banners in art. My dad says I shouldn’t vote for the library democats because they want to legalise cannibals’.”

Mr Corbyn says hopes to lower the voting age to eight in time for the next general election, which could be any time from now.

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Paul Nuttall resigns to relaunch astronaut career

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Paul Nuttall resigns to relaunch astronaut career

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has resigned to concentrate on being an astronaut.

He stepped down today after his party’s share of the vote was wiped out across Britain.

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But the rocket scientist and Nobel Peace Prize winner insisted he could now concentrate on his out-of-this world role as an astronaut.

He began flying space ships after injury forced him to retire early from his glittering professional football career.

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Speaking outside the gates of his rural estate, which he opens for disadvantaged families to live in for free, Mr Nuttall, 27, explained his decision.

“I’m delighted to have led UKIP to its second highest ever number of seats in Parliament after this general election.

“The time is right to leave the Party so we can concentrate on my astronaut business.”

Our psychic dog picks UK general election winner

The Editor
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Our psychic dog picks UK general election winner

The Suffolk Gazette’s very own Psychic Dog has carefully selected the winner of the UK general election.

Our chocolate labrador was asked to pick the coloured sock which represented a winner from the main political parties.

And before any readers cry foul and point out that dogs are colour blind, we put each sock next to a photograph of the party leader so the clever pooch would recognise it.

The only possible hitch with our completely scientific experiment was the lack of a SNP sock, so we used a tartan cumerband instead.

Initially the dog, which correctly chose the last general election result by selecting the Green Party (surely some mistake? Ed), headed for one woolen garment but seemed to have second thoughts.

Thankfully, another hound was on hand to offer support, and this time the lab made a beeline for the winning party.

You’ll have to watch the video below for the result. We think Psychic Dog will be on the television election specials with this sort of political analysis.

A political commentator said: “The pollsters are all over the place trying to predict this general election result. Thank God we have the Suffolk Gazette’s Psychic Dog to tell us what is going to happen.”

Crime sensation: Anita Bush may have been murdered

The Editor
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Crime sensation: Anita Bush may have been murdered

EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The funeral and cremation of Suffolk Gazette gardening writer Anita Bush was sensationally postponed yesterday under suspicions that she may have been murdered.

A post-mortem examination revealed that as well as copious amounts of gin in her system there were traces of Weedol.

And police were astonished to discover whip marks across her backside which cannot be explained.

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Her husband Norbert, 69, told officer he thought the marks were from where she recently fell into a blackberry bush.

Our crime correspondent Hugh Dunnett has had sight of a statement made by a neighbour after Ms Bush was found, believed drowned in the water feature in her garden last week.

Police will be interviewing other neighbors from Stowmarket, Suffolk, friends and relatives and certain Suffolk Gazette readers who had been trolling Ms Bush and making rude jokes about her.

The secret statement was from villager Jennifer Wiggins. It said: “I heard shouting the night before her body was found. I believe Ms Bush was singing Roll Out The Barrel and a man was shouting at her to ‘shut the feck up’.

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“People thought Ms Bush was a sweet old gardener but there was another side to her. I once saw her unload some common B & Q lobelias from her Nissan Micra. I told her I was expecting a delivery of more exotic plants from Sarah Raven and she sneered at me.

“A few days later all my posh plants were dead. I know this sounds like a motive for me to kill her but there are dozens of other suspects who wanted rid of her. There were rumours of her husband going out late at night. There are whispers that he is to be questioned.”

A spokesman for Suffolk Constabulary said: “We don’t know how you got this statement but we cannot comment. Our inquiries are continuing and if anyone has any information they should contact us.”

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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

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Not the Katie Hopkins Column: Taxing foreigners and bashing food banks

Not Katie Hopkins

I wish I had stood in this election for the Katie Hopkins Party as I know I would have swept the board with my common sense and popular views.

Instead of taxing the rich, my manifesto would simply increase tax for anyone with a foreign name, including Irish, Scottish, Welsh and anything I can’t pronounce.

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Many of you will know my view of fat people with their lack of discipline, stuffing themselves with junk food and foreign muck.

I would have brought in a law to put a set of weighing scales at every food bank. Anyone with an abnormal Body Mass Index would have to leave.

And why are they called food “banks”?

These people are so thick they don’t know how a bank works. It goes like this. On pay day, your money goes in the “bank”. And when you are a bit skint you go and draw some out.

Now food “banks” don’t work like that. The low-lifes who use them should pay in (deposit) on benefits day. Say a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti, some tuna, a tin of Spam and some Ambrosia custard.
Then as the week goes on and they are short of money, they could draw one or all of the tins out.

Can you imagine me going to my bank, Coutts, and asking for some money I hadn’t paid in?

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Anyway, I will just have to work on my manifesto for the next General Election, which will probably be in four years, or six months if Diane Abbott is doing the calculations.

I’m sorry you won’t all have a fascist candidate in your area. By next week we will know what we are in for. I will be giving the winning side the benefit of my advice on social care, immigration and the health service and of course will be keeping you all informed on the paper of record, the Suffolk Gazette. Happy voting!

Katie x

Editor’s note: This column is not written by Katie Hopkins, even though she is apparently looking for a new newspaper column

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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

The Editor
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Restaurant laced fried chicken with cocaine to boost sales

Fried chicken and cocaine
EXCLUSIVE
By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A fast-food restaurant has been accused of lacing its fried chicken with small traces of cocaine to make it more appealing.

The takeaway in Ipswich was investigated after a former worker with a grudge tipped off police.

They raided the kitchen and found a quantity of cocaine on a shelf, which was being added to the flour mix before the chicken pieces went in the deep fryer.

Fried chicken laced with cocaineHigh tea: pieces of fried chicken laced with cocaine
The owner of the late-night takeaway, who has not been named, admitted what he had done to cops, claiming no one had been put at risk.

But he insisted the Class A drug made his fried chicken more enjoyable, and left customers wanting more. Some even came back to eat twice in one evening.

Some employers regularly test employees for cocaine use.  This article explains how long cocaine stays in the system.

The shop owner told police: “Customers couldn’t get enough of my chicken. They did not understand why they were experiencing a high while eating it.

“I did not have to put much cocaine in the batter mix, so the benefits of selling more chicken outweighed the cost of the drug.”

The outlet has now been closed, and the owner is set to appear before Ipswich Magistrates within weeks.

Officers believe the drug had been used for nearly four months, and that as many as a thousand customers in Ipswich, some children, had unwittingly taken cocaine and may never know.

Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

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Tory law forces grandparents to babysit grandchildren every weekend

Grandparents across Britain will be forced to look after their grandchildren every weekend for free – or face a £3,000 fine, it has emerged.

Theresa May will push through the draconian new law if the Conservatives win next week’s general election.

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But while mums and dads will welcome the news, grandparents are furious that they will be taken advantage of.

Bury St Edmunds pensioners Jeremy Lyall, 78 and his wife Tate, 77, currently look after grandchildren Archie, aged two, and Esther, just seven months, around two weekends every month.

Grandparents babysitUpset: The Lyalls with Esther and Archie

“Why should we be forced to do more?” said Mr Lyall, a retired pilot. “This is slave labour – we don’t get paid to look after the little sods, so while it’s nice to see them once in a while, being stuck with them every weekend is not on. We have a life, too.

“And to be fined if we refuse is simply ridiculous. It’s like living in a police state.”

But parents Thomas and Charleen Lyall, both aged 35, said the new law was an excellent idea, and denied it was just a brash attempt by Mrs May to win more middle class votes.

Thomas said: “We need a break from the kids at weekends so we can go to the farmers market, go to the pub and to the cinema. If grandparents refuse to take the kids for free then of course they should be fined.”

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Mrs May confirmed the plan in a brief interview with the Suffolk Gazette while she toured an agriculture machinery factory in Beccles.

She said: “I am very clear that what this country needs is a strong and stable family group, and to enter negotiations about babysitting with a firm and decisive strategy.

“That is the clear choice we face: strong and stable babysitting under the Conservatives, or a coalition of weekend chaos led by Jeremy Corbyn.”

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