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Police bring back stocks to deter criminals

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Police bring back stocks to deter criminals

Stocks

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police are bringing back public stocks to deter petty criminals from operating in Ipswich town centre.

Thieves, drug dealers and drunks will be locked up in the stocks and subjected to public ridicule.

The medieval-style detention devices, made from sturdy wood, are being set up on the Cornhill as part of the town centre redevelopment work.

Passers-by will be able to buy fruit and veg from the nearby market and throw them at the hapless criminals.

Police hope the humiliating punishment will be a huge deterrent while giving members of the public some excitement and something to shout about.

“This will also save our budget,” said a police force insider.

“It costs us a fortune to apprehend a suspect, detain them at the station, go through mountains of paperwork and then hope to get them up before magistrates or the crown court.

“But this is a quick and effective punishment that will cost us absolutely nothing.

“We will begin with three sets of stocks, but install more if they prove to be popular.”

Stocks clamps down around the neck and wrists of a criminal, who is then unable to move and can be subjected to verbal and physical abuse.

Police say they expect members of the public to play fair and not give the criminals a quick slap.

The spokesman said: “We’re fine with some tomatoes, cabbages or eggs being lobbed at them, but would ask people not to be any more physical than that.”

Top brass are yet to specify how long criminals would remain in the stocks. “It’s to be decided, but we’re told shoplifting would mean two days, while drug dealing would keep you locked up on display for five days.”

But Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Criminals Have Human Rights Watch, said the stocks was a barbaric punishment that belong in the Middle Ages.

“Our lawyers will be waiting to represent any unfortunate person who finds themselves being subjected to public ridicule without trial.”

Turkish immigrant St George kicked out of Britain

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Turkish immigrant St George kicked out of Britain
St George expelled

Celebrated Turkish immigrant St George has been kicked out of England because he had no paperwork to prove he should stay.

The devastated saint, who ekes out a living slaying dragons, has been living in a castle in Suffolk for hundreds of years.

But immigration officials have chucked him out because he had no papers to prove his residency was above board.

St George was born in Turkey, and even worse had a Palestinian mother – raising further doubts about his claims to live rightfully in Britain.

And this newspaper can also reveal that the patron saint of England slayed his first dragon in what is now modern-day Libya, not East Anglia.

However, his supporters were fuming at news he has been chucked out of the country after being refused the right to dragon-killing work.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, fumed: “He is our patron saint. The Irish drink to St Patrick, so why can’t we celebrate St George?

“To be chucked out of our country is a disgrace and that Theresa May should be sacked.”

When it was pointed out that St George was actually half Turkish and half Palestinian, Fisher fumed some more.

“That is fake news,” she wailed.

“He is out patron saint and we are gonna support him – that is not being racist, it is celebrating our national identity. But Turkey, you say?”

A spokesman for the Home Office confirmed St George was one of many immigrants to be chucked out of Britain, despite having been invited here many years ago.

In post-war Britain there was a great need for good dragon slayers, and brave St George fitted the bill.

But border agencies controversially destroyed the paperwork that proved men and women like him had entered Britain quite legally.

“It’s a bit embarrassing. But St George is not British and has no passport, so he had to go back to Turkey,” the spokesman said.

Police hunt brutal PiggyBack Bandits gang leader

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Police hunt brutal PiggyBack Bandits gang leader

PiggyBack Bandits

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Suffolk Police are appealing for help in the hunt for Alan “Porkie” Jenkins, leader of the notorious PiggyBack Bandits gang.

The outlaws have brought terror to north Suffolk for years, committing violent highway robberies before escaping across fields riding on the back of their pigs.

Detectives say new information has uncovered Jenkins as the brutal leader of the gang, which is thought to be responsible for 73 robberies on the A12 and A143 in the past four years alone.

The gang, normally consisting of three men on pigs, hide in bushes by the side of the road and pounce on unwary cyclists as they pass by.

Phones, wallets and watches are then snatched before the robbers turn tail and trot away.

Violent leader Jenkins, who is believed to have moved to Suffolk from Norfolk, is also wanted for burning down a village hall in Botesdale, beating up a pub landlord in Rickinghall, and attempting to bribe a police officer in Lowestoft.

A police spokesman said: “We will no longer tolerate Jenkins and his so-called PiggyBack Bandits.

“They had developed something of a cult status in Suffolk – but there is nothing glamorous about their crimes.

“It is only a matter of time before they kill someone.”

It is thought the gang, which has a hideout somewhere near Ixworth, trains the pigs which are cheaper than horses and can hide more easily in roadside verges.

Police denied they had made a pig’s ear of catching the gang red-handed last week when a passing patrol car allegedly stopped politely to allow some pigs to cross a country lane without realising gang members were crouched behind them.

“That is a rumour put about by local author Lorraine Fisher, 34, who has been writing a gangland book about the PiggyBack Bandits.

“She is just after easy publicity, so ignore her,” the police spokesman said.

Anyone with information about Alan “Porkie” Jenkins and his PiggyBack Bandits is urged to contact Crimestoppers immediately.

Weirdo at work fails to mention the weather

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Weirdo at work fails to mention the weather

hot summer day

The weird bloke at work has failed to mention anything about today’s hot, sunny weather, it has emerged.

Steve Walshe, 47, said “good morning” to his colleagues and sat down at his desk without saying another thing.

“Not even a, ‘I’d rather be outside than stuck in here’ quip,” said astonished co-worker Lorraine Fisher, 34.

She confirmed everyone else in her office in Woodbridge, Suffolk mentioned how warm it was even at 8.30 in the morning.

“Even Derek in accounts said something like, ‘Summer is here at last’,” she explained.

“But Walshe is a bit of a weirdo.

“He just sat down and didn’t speak again for an hour – and only then to see if anyone had borrowed his stapler.”

Normal office workers have been busy having conversations about the weather all day – it’s almost as though it were an excuse not to do any work.

Britain was basking in temperatures of up to 26 degrees today, giving normal people the perfect opportunity to talk about the weather.

The whole country was expected to leave their offices at lunchtime and crowd on to a tiny patch of grass in order to eat their lunch.

But weather experts say people should take precautions, even if it is “such a nice change to see the sun”.

Suffolk Gazette weather spokesman Gale Fawcett said: “Gingers in particular should keep out of the sun.”

Unbelievable, some people are already complaining that it is getting too hot.

Waitrose puts Audi logo on posh customers’ free coffee

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Waitrose puts Audi logo on posh customers’ free coffee

Audi style coffee in Waitrose

Posh yummy mummies can now get their free Waitrose coffee emblazoned with the logo of their Audi car.

Executives at the middle-class supermarket spotted the easy way to appeal to their snobby customers’ vanity.

Waitrose stores across the country offer free coffees for shoppers, who are clearly so important and busy that they have to multi-task during the weekly shop.

Now bosses say sticking the four-ringed Audi car logo on top of the coffee leaves shoppers beaming with pride.

Nearly every car in the Waitrose car park is an Audi, with every driver trying to park their pride and joy in a space as close to the store entrance as possible.

Then, after paying up with their gold credit cards at the till, they tell miserable child Tarquin or Cordelia loudly, so everyone within twenty feet can hear: “Come on, daaahling, let’s get all of this loaded in the AUDI.”

Waitrose groceries

A Waitrose executive said: “Our middle-class customers love their middle-class Audis. We already serve them free middle-class coffee while they shop for their Waitrose groceries, so it makes sense to add the Audi logo on top.

“They don’t appear to drink the coffee anymore, however, but instead simply walk around with it so everyone can see they have an Audi coffee.”

Shopping expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said that although yummy mummies love coffee, she did not expect the coffee stunt to catch on with other stores.

“I cannot imagine Lidl or Aldi giving out free coffee with the Vauxhall logo on, or maybe an image of a police car.

“But my sources tell me B&M are looking at putting a mobility scooter design on their coffee.”

Ant McPartlin lined up to present Top Gear

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Ant McPartlin lined up to present Top Gear

Ant McPartlin Top Gear

Top television presenter Ant McPartlin is being lined up to co-present the BBC’s flagship Top Gear show.

The balding half of Ant and Dec, who was today fined a record £86,000 after admitting crashing his car while drink-driving, is seen as a safe pair of hands for the popular motoring show.

McPartlin, 42, will not appear on ITV for the foreseeable future after television execs agreed to suspend Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway.

But now he is expected to appear on Top Gear alongside the show’s regular presenters such as Matt LeBlanc.

Show insiders say the move is an excellent initiative, except for the fact that McPartlin cannot drive.

As well as the £86,000 fine, Wimbledon Magistrates Court today banned him from driving for 20 months.

“It’s hard to see what McPartlin will bring to Top Gear,” said viewer Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk.

“If he is not allowed to drive, then what is he there for, aside from making some rather unfunny asides and jokes?”

The court heard today that McPartlin was found to be more than twice over the drink-drive limit after smashing his Mini into another car on a road in Richmond at 3.50pm on March 18.

It is being suggested that Top Gear needs a reboot after original favourite presenter Jeremy Clarkson left the show in unfortunate circumstances.

A pal of Clarkson’s said: “He left after alleged ill-treatment of a member of the crew, so I’m not sure why a drink-driver would be welcome on Top Gear.”

Ipswich becomes ‘Venice of the north’ as new river links waterfront to town

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Ipswich becomes ‘Venice of the north’ as new river links waterfront to town

Ipswich like Venice

Ipswich will become the Venice of northern Europe after planners agreed to build a waterway linking the popular Waterfront to the town centre.

The so-called Golden Mile, which links the marina to the town will be dug up and filled with water diverted from the River Orwell.

This will create a beautiful new riverside environment more commonly associated with cultural idylls like Venice.

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Ipswich’s new waterside paradise will allow customers to visit shops by Gondola and float their shopping home.

“Now people really will be ale to take a punt at William Hill and moor their barge at River Island,” said councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, excitedly.

“And Sailmakers will be UK’s premier waterside shopping centre.”

However, residents of Ipswich are already asking about the cost of boat moorings in the town and whether pay-and-display will apply to inflatable dinghies.

Resident Chris Allen said: “I bet they will still charge to moor up your boat after 6pm, and on Sundays. But at least we will no longer see all the discarded chewing gum.”

Work is all already underway on redeveloping the Cornhill, and Ipswich Borough Council say the fountains there will work wonderfully alongside the new canal.

A spokesman said: “We will add a new area which will become a staging post for boats picking up passengers for trips from the town to the waterfront.”

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It is believed the route being dug up would be the top of Princes Street and then down Queen Street, over the crossroads down St Nicholas Street, and then along part of College Street before diverting into the marina close to The Mill development.

Planners acknowledge this will play havoc with traffic, but they urge people to be patient.

The spokesman added: “We can build bridges over the canal eventually – it seems to work perfectly well in Amsterdam.

“But we want to be better than Amsterdam, we want to be known as the Venice of the North.”

Funding for the work, which starts this summer, will come from central government. It is thought shops and restaurants along the route will experience a boom in custom once shoppers realise they can float right up to the front door.

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Golf club installs undersoil heating to beat winter

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Golf club installs undersoil heating to beat winter

undersoild heating golf course

By Sandy Driver, Golf Correspondent

A Suffolk golf club is installing undersoil heating to ensure its members can enjoy playing all year round.

Bury St Edmunds Golf Club will spend millions on the system under all 18 tees, fairways and greens, with work expected to be completed in time for next winter.

It is believed the system, more commonly used in sports stadiums for football, will cost up to nine million pounds to install, but club management say members will not be expected to fork out too much.

A spokesman said: “We have received a grant from the Nordic Golfing Foundation which is keen to understand if the technique can allow all-year golf in the frozen wastes of Norway, Denmark and Sweden.”

He added that green fees or membership fees may not have to be reviewed as some wealthy members might like to cough up some cash as a donation.

The undersoil heating will ensure the course at Tut Hill will be playable in winter when snow and ice traditionally causes problems.

“Players are frustrated if we use temporary tee boxes or temporary greens, so this will be a great bonus for them.

“It will mean golf in Suffolk is truly available for 52 weeks of the year.”

The club will carry out the work on one hole at a time between now and November.

The course will, therefore, have just 17 holes available in the meantime, with players being allowed to select which one to play twice.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a director for Soiled Pipes Sport Ltd, said: “We have to dig up the tees, fairways, greens and everything before laying the network of pipes.

“We’ll then cover them up again and hand over to the greenkeeper to try to grow the grass back as quickly as possible.

“He has expressed some concern about the condition of the greens afterward, but we’re confident everything will return to normal.”

This winter has seen several annoying icy blasts, which has left the region’s golfers frustrated.

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