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Ipswich fans deny being offended

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Ipswich fans deny being offended

Ipswich Town fans have denied they took offence to manager Mick McCarthy telling them to f*ck off.

The supporters were forced to issue an apology in the Suffolk Gazette, re-affirming that while they got caught up in the heat of the moment at the weekend Norwich derby, they were not upset with Big Mick at all.

The Town boss was caught on television seemingly shouting “fuck off” to the Ipswich fans who had earlier booed his negative substitutions.

Mick McCarthy

Social media soon lit up with claims that Ipswich fans were “very upset about this”.

But now they have denied being offended.

“We were just caught up in the heat of the after-match reaction,” said supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“We were just venting our frustration after Norwich equalised with just seven seconds remaining on the clock, thereby extending our nine-year wait for a win against them.

“If anyone was offended by us being offended at Mick McCarthy, then of course we apologise.”

The news comes as many Mick McCarthy backers are hoping the supporters get the sack for not being good at supporting.

Ipswich fans can return from Norwich with three points by speeding on the A140, police say

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Ipswich fans can return from Norwich with three points by speeding on the A140, police say

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk Police have told Ipswich Town fans heading to Norwich that speeding along the A140 will be the only way they go home with three points.

Cheeky officers believe the Tractor Boys’ dismal record against their arch-rivals will not improve in the latest crunch East Anglian derby.

“But if supporters want to leave Norwich with three points, they are advised to drive at more than 34mph through Long Stratton,” a Norfolk Constabulary insider said.

Police speed camera

Ipswich have not beaten the Canaries since 2009, a rare accomplishment for which Blues manager Jim Magilton was rewarded with the sack the next day.

And, even though Ipswich are above Norwich in the league table (on goal difference only) fed up supporters do not really expect that dismal run to change any time soon.

Yet 2,000 Ipswich fans will still make the trip to Norfolk to cheer their team on.

Supporter Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Woodbridge, said: “Nobody really expects us to win.

“Mick McCarthy will set up to keep it at 0-0 for as long as possible and hope to score a goal on the break.

“Unfortunately, Norwich will probably score in the first ten minutes and the whole game plan will go out of the window.”

Fans need not go home without any points, however, according to police.

“Each of them can pick up three points if they are caught speeding along the A140 on the way back to Suffolk with their tails between their legs,” the police insider added.

Last year the Suffolk Gazette revealed how Anusol was to sponsor the A140 because the road is such a pain in the arse.

And in 2015 we revealed how a driver had been jailed for hitting ridiculous speeds of 35mph on the road that links Norfolk and Suffolk.

Next girl to be shot in a US school massacre applauds politicians

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Next girl to be shot in a US school massacre applauds politicians

School girl massacre

A little girl who is destined to be shot dead in America’s next school massacre has applauded politicians for doing nothing about it.

Lorraine Fisher, aged seven, will be killed next month when a deranged ex-pupil returns to her Texas school armed with an automatic assault rifle he purchased from the local gun shop.

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But the pretty youngster, who wanted to be a nurse if she grew up, said: “The people in Congress are very busy so don’t have time to bother about minor things like stricter gun control.

“Anyway, it’s our constitutional right to own a gun, so young people like me being butchered in cold blood every week is just an unfortunate irrelevance.”

Speaking after the latest massacre in Parkland, Florida left at least 17 students dead – the 18th US school shooting this year – Lorraine said the National Rifle Association still had her support.

“The NRA insist it is not guns that kill, but the people using them.

“When a madman comes to my classroom and begins blasting away, I’ll be sure to remember that.”

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Lorraine and her school chums say it is jolly unfair for anyone to criticize America’s politicians for allowing school killing sprees to happen.

“We had a chat in the playground about it today, and we all agreed an individual’s right to carry a weapon to protect himself is far more important than saving any of our lives.”

When it was pointed out that banning guns would mean people did not have to be armed to protect themselves, Lorraine got quite cross.

“Look, it’s in the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution which was written only recently in 1791, so is still totally relevant. And that’s far more important than my life.”

It is not known exactly when Lorraine and her seven-year-old friends will be killed, but they are still practicing hiding under desks – like that works.

(Editor’s note: before anyone complains, this article is not meant to be funny.)

Oxfam prostitute scandal deepens

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Oxfam prostitute scandal deepens

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

The Oxfam prostitute scandal is worse than first feared, we can reveal.

An undercover investigation by this newspaper revealed vice girls are openly being used by the charity to boost funds.

Oxfam prostitute

Our reporters watched in horror as a Suffolk Oxfam charity shop opened its doors for business as a brothel.

At 9.15am on Tuesday morning, volunteer staff turned up for work at the shop and lit up the window display where three scantily-clad ladies were offering their services.

Anti-vice campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, was horrified when we showed her our evidence.

“The charity has tried to claim the scandal following the 2010 Haiti earthquake, where its aid workers hired vulnerable local people for sex, was a one-off.
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“But now we can see it is actually offering official Oxfam prostitute services to the general public.”

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Ms Fisher called for the charity, which faces losing huge amounts of financial support following the revelations, to clean up its act.

“Nobody out shopping in a Suffolk high street wants to see this sort of thing. It’s not as though they are even trying to hide it. These women are brazenly offering themselves from the window.”

An Oxfam insider said: “We have indeed lost a lot of donations since the public was told our staff spent money on prostitutes.

“So nobody should be surprised we have been forced to extend the products we have on sale in our charity shops.”

Pensioner Derek Smith, 76, who popped into the shop to find some new shoes, was surprised by what he saw.

“I didn’t know which way to look,” he said. “They keep moving the shoes around.”

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Potholes re-branded as speed holes to save traffic-calming costs

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Potholes re-branded as speed holes to save traffic-calming costs

No more speed bumps will be built after canny councils realised they could leave potholes to slow down traffic instead.

Rather than spend millions on traffic calming measures, council bosses decided that potholes were far more effective, and would be called speed holes.

pothole

The new approach means a double saving for local taxpayers, who will no longer have to pay for speed bumps or sleeping policemen, or fork out for pothole repairs.

“I don’t know why no-one thought of this brilliant idea before,” explained Lorraine Fisher, 34, chairperson of Council Highways UK.

“We don’t have to spend any money on traffic calming features in our towns or villages, nor do we have to repair the potholes.

“But the traffic in town centres and close to village facilities will remain slow and safe – ideal to stop speeding motorists.”

She explained that councils could save millions from their highways budgets, and that saving would be passed on to taxpayers.

“Speed bumps are dead, long live speed holes,” declared Ms Fisher.

The new policy was tested out in Suffolk this winter, and found to be a roaring success.

Potholes

Motorist Steve Walshe, from Ipswich, said: “I never did really understand why they spent so much putting in speed bumps when a pothole does the same job for free.”

County councils will now spend some of their saved budgets on an advertising campaign in order to educate motorists.

A spokesperson for Suffolk County Council said: “Once people realise they are speed holes in the middle of the road, not potholes, they will be much happier.”

Using new ginger-haired emoji with sun symbol overheats your phone

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Using new ginger-haired emoji with sun symbol overheats your phone

New ginger emoji

Your mobile phone heats up and dies if you use the new ginger-haired emoji alongside the symbol for the sun, it has emerged.

A bug in the software is being blamed for teething troubles for the new emojis of ginger people, which were introduced this week.

Phone user Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, alerted Apple to the glitch when she tried sending a message today about the weather.

Red-head Lorraine explained: “I messaged my friend about being fed up with the gloomy weather and signed off with my new cute ginger-haired emoji and a sunshine emoji.

“But within seconds my phone began heating up. It started burning and died.

“I think it is disgraceful – this would not have happened if you put another other person’s emoji next to the sun. Someone should pay for this – it’s clearly gingerist.”

Apple is now investigating the embarrassing bug in the software affecting apps like Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp.

It insists it is a pure coincidence that the overheating bug should happen only when a ginger emoji is adjacent to a sun emoji.

“Our developers say it could have been a combination of any two, but it’s unfortunate it was these two.

“We’ve sorted it now so that if anyone uses the ginger emoji your phone will have an argument with you.”

Apple says its fix has already started to be rolled out, and some users should already be able to use the combination without any issues.

The Suffolk Gazette is happy to see the resolution after itself getting into hot water over taking the mickey out of ginger people.

Cheddar Man looks like everyone from Norfolk

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Cheddar Man looks like everyone from Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

There was widespread confusion today when it emerged that Cheddar Man looks like every man and woman in Norfolk.

Cutting edge DNA analysis by the Natural History Museum proved that a Briton from 10,000 years ago had dark skin and blue eyes.

And the accompanying image showed a wild-looking man with long unkempt hair, a wispy beard and a strange, vacant expression.

Cheddar Man

The release of the image threw Norfolk people into disarray because the man looked like everybody they know.

Suddenly residents across the rural, backward county saw the face on the news and assumed it was a photofit of a relative wanted by police.

Bubba Spuckler, who runs a smallholding with his sister and their eight children, was alarmed.

“I was watching the news and then a picture of what could have been my brother, sister, mother, father, uncle and auntie came up.

“I assumed they were in trouble with the law again, then I saw it was a photo of a bloke from Somerset who has nothing to do with Norfolk or my family.

“I think it is fake news.”

At 10,000 years old, Cheddar Man is Britain’s oldest complete skeleton and was discovered in 1903 in Somerset’s Cheddar Gorge.

Genome analysis for a facial reconstruction produced the image, and showed that lighter skin characteristic of modern Europeans is a relatively recent phenomenon.

But crucially, it confirmed that people from Norfolk, which is where ducks first evolved, still look like something from Prehistoric Britain.

First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

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First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line

The future of British car making is secure despite fears it would implode after Brexit.

Delighted bosses today unveiled the first British-made model to roll off the production line since the country voted to leave the EU.

And experts say the gleaming red family car – pictured below – is evidence brilliant British craftsmanship is here to stay.

British Brexit car

The Fiesta Farage boasts desirable sleek lines and can reach top speeds of 24mph. Downhill.

It has all the hi-tech gadgets that drivers have come to expect from so-called industry leaders in Germany and Japan.

Top of the spec list is air conditioning, which is activated simply by rolling down the window (electric windows not currently available).

It also has the latest engine stop-start technology to rival anything Audi or Honda can produce.

When the Fiesta Farage pulls up at a junction, the engine stops – not for any fuel-saving reason, but because it has broken down.

And it handles superbly, taking corners like they are not there (it simply ignores them and goes straight on).

Motoring journalists were in awe when the Fiesta Farage was launched at the East Anglian Motor Show yesterday.

And they believe the car – already given the sporty FF nickname – will be a new fixture in Waitrose car parks, where nine out of ten cars are Audis.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who writes a motoring column for The Spectator magazine, said: “Doom-mongers who voted to remain in the EU tried to claim Britain going it alone would badly hit key industries like car manufacturing.

“They said standards would fall and it would be like returning to the bad old days of British Leyland.

“But they’ll be choking on their words once they get behind the wheel of one of these beauties.

“Not only does the car look gorgeous with a beautiful finish, it handles like a dream and should also come with cheap car insurance.”

The Fiesta Farage, the first British-made car since the Trabant was reintroduced to Norfolk, starts at just £29,000 for the base model.

But if you want an engine and four wheels, you will have to stump up an extra £8,000.

And if you really like flashy new motors, check out the new Suffolk eco-friendly car that can go ten miles on just one plastic token.

For all news on Brexit, visit Cooper Parry.

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