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Neville Chamberlain returns from Germany, claims ‘peace in our time’

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Peace in our time


By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

Neville Chamberlain flew home from Germany today, waved a white piece of paper and declared: “We have peace in our time.”

Just hours after an extreme far-right party won its first seats in the Bundestag since before World War Two, Mr Chamberlain reassured Britain and the rest of Europe that nothing could possibly go wrong.

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As he stood on the steps of his plane at Heathrow Airport, Mr Chamberlain waved a piece of paper and confirmed triumphantly that the Czech Republic, and especially Poland, had absolutely nothing to fear.

He maintained that immigrants or “anyone who looked remotely dodgy” would remain safe and welcome in Germany.

And he stressed that there was absolutely no mad desire to rebuild the Luftwaffe and send it on foreign expeditions.

“I have met with the leaders of the nationalist Alternative for Germany Party (AfD) and can confirm they are a nice, friendly bunch.

“They assure me there are no plans for a mass visit to Poland, and religious minorities have nothing to fear.”

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Mr Chamberlain claims that nothing in history supports the theory that the rise of the far right in Germany is anything at all to be concerned about.

“People worry unnecessarily. No one would believe an extreme nationalist party would win its first seats in Germany, then manipulate things a little to seize power, then invade all its neighbours and murder millions.

“It’s fanciful and you just have to believe what the nice AfD has signed on my piece of paper, which I am still waving around for all to see.”

The AfD won 94 seats in Germany’s Bundestag federal parliament after winning nearly 13% of the country’s vote.

Angela Merkel returned to power for a fourth term despite losing a considerable slice of support.

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Dog insists he did not sh*t on the kitchen floor

The Editor
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Dog insists he did not sh*t on the kitchen floor

Labrador mess

A labrador has confirmed he did not sh*t on the kitchen floor – and that the mess must have been left by an intruder of the night.

One-year-old Brian insisted he was sound asleep from 10pm to 7am, but thought he might have heard a visitor roaming around downstairs at some point.

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“I can categorically say I did not do a big sh*t by the fridge but was, in fact, curled up in my bed,” the chocolate labrador from Suffolk said.

“I was as surprised as anyone in the morning to see this turd on the floor.

“Yes, it looked a little bit like one of mine, and it contained traces of the berries I have been eating in garden.

“But let’s face it a turd is a turd and anyone could have done it.”

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Owner Sally Perkins said: “Brian claims someone got into our house in the middle of the night and did the crap on the kitchen floor.

“This may seem quite unlikely as there was no sign of an intruder, but Brian had a very innocent face, so I tend to believe him.

“You have to trust your pets.”

Mrs Perkins was left wondering why a person would sneak into her home in the dead of night and crimp one off on the floor.

“This must have been the same mystery night visitor who crapped on the floor on Monday and Wednesday as well,” she said.

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Sir Elton John insists he’s not suicidal

The Editor
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Sir Elton John insists he’s not suicidal

Elton John

Sir Elton John has reassured President Trump that he is “feeling absolutely fine” and is not having suicidal thoughts.

Mr Trump told stunned delegates at the United Nations that Rocket Man “was on a suicide mission for himself and his regime”.

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But Sir Elton insisted this was “rubbish”, and that he actually has lots to look forward to, such as his raising his young children and trousering huge royalty cheques.

In a statement today he said: “I noted with disappointment that President Trump chose to use his address to the UN to tell the world I am close to ending it all.

“Well that’s rubbish. I want my millions of fans to know that I’m feeling absolutely fine and having the time of life.

“I’ve got so much to live for with my beautiful children, and my husband and I do so much with them.

“Only last weekend we took them to Vicarage Road to see my team Watford play Manchester City.

“OK, we lost 6-0 and I felt pretty depressed by that, but otherwise all is good”

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Sir Elton, famous for his 1972 hit Rocket Man, hopes he will get an invite to speak to the United Nations in New York so he can set the record straight.

Fans had feared Mr Trump was on to something because of Sir Elton’s liking of sad songs like, er Sad Songs or even I Guess That’s Why They Call it The Blues.

In other news, President Trump has confirmed he will “totally destroy” North Korea if it threatens the US or its allies.

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Court orders Wayne Rooney to do unpaid work at Ipswich Town

The Editor
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Court orders Wayne Rooney to do unpaid work at Ipswich Town

Wayne Rooney Ipswich

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Drink-driving Wayne Rooney will drop down a division to play for Ipswich Town after magistrates ordered him to do unpaid work for the needy.

Rooney, 31, admitted being nearly three times over the limit when he was stopped driving a woman’s VW Beetle early in the morning.

He was banned from driving for two years and fined £170 – but then ordered to do 100 hours work to help the vulnerable in society.

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Stockport magistrates agreed today that Ipswich were desperately needy and that Rooney could play for the club for nothing throughout October.

Rooney, who usually collects up to £100,000 a week for playing for Premier League side Everton, will not get a penny during his stint at Portman Road.

An Ipswich Town official said: “We could never afford Wayne’s wages, but playing for us is classed as work in the community, so we don’t have to pay.”

During his month-long stay in Suffolk, Rooney will experience playing in the famous East Anglian derby, as the home game against Norwich is on October 22.

He’ll also pull on the famous blue and white shirt in matches against Sheffield United, Burton Albion and Cardiff City.

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A pal of Rooney said: “Wayne has to do unpaid work for those in dire need, and we could not think of anywhere more fitting than Ipswich.

“He’s looking forward to linking up with Mick McCarthy and the rest of the team, and hopes there is a good local taxi service.”

Ipswich currently sit in a surprisingly high fifth position in the championship. Way ahead of Norwich.

Rooney has admitted his shame after police charged him with being a man driving a VW Beetle.

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Mum sues store after tripping over HER OWN daughter

The Editor
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Mum sues store after tripping over HER OWN daughter

Mum sues store

A young mum is suing a shop for compensation after tripping over HER OWN toddler who was running around the aisles, it has emerged.

Charlotte Pleasance, 24, of Woodbridge in Suffolk, is claiming damages for a twisted ankle and bruised hip after falling in the frozen food section of her local supermarket.

She claims her life has been ruined because the store negligently allowed her daughter to run about while she got on with her weekly shop.

The case is expected to be heard in the High Court in London next week, with lawyers for Mrs Pleasance thought to be seeking a six-figure payout.

According to the writ, she was turning from the drinks aisle into the frozen food aisle when she fell over daughter Amy, who was running around screaming and not looking where she was going.

The writ says Mrs Pleasance tried to steady herself on her trolley, but fell, badly twisting her ankle and landing on her right hip.

It is claimed Mrs Pleasance has been unable to work since the incident in August last year, has suffered from clinical depression and lost her sexual appetite, leading to her husband divorcing her this year.

Lawyers for the independent supermarket, Tedbury, are denying responsibility for Mrs Pleasance’s accident.

“It is quite obvious she should have been keeping her own child under control in the first place,” a spokesman said.

He added: “We will be fighting this case all the way. It has already cost us £100,000 in legal fees, but it is a matter of principle.”

A member of staff at Tedbury, who asked not to be named, said: “Some mothers have no control over their children in here. They need to behave or stay outside – it was only a matter of time before someone was hurt.

“It serves her right as it was her own daughter running amok.”

Prison chain gangs to clear roadside litter

The Editor
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Prison chain gangs to clear roadside litter

By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

Prison chain gangs will become a familiar sight on Suffolk’s roads as the Government trials a tough new approach to crime, it has emerged.

We can reveal Ministers want prisoners to be used as forced labour to clear up litter from roads around the county.

And to ensure the controversial scheme acts as a deterrent to others, the prisoners will be shackled together with ball and chains, and endure the shame of wearing striped uniforms.

Officials have chosen now to unveil their plans to capitalise on Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn’s unpopular softly softly, left-wing approach to “cushy prisoner reform programmes”.

The revelation – a throwback to the chain gangs of early 20th-century America – will boost Tory morale as members prepare to gather for the party conference.

A Home Office insider said: “We have chosen Suffolk to pioneer the scheme because there is so much rubbish discarded on the sides of your roads, especially the A14 and A12, and this does not create a good image for visitors.

“We’ll select the most hardened criminals from the region’s prisons, dress them in degrading black-and-white-striped uniforms, chain them together – and force them to clear little for eight hours a day with only a 20-minute break for bread and water.

“Motorists will delight in seeing prisoners actually being forced to do something good to repay society – and of course the roads will look so much nicer afterwards.”

The gangs – each consisting of ten men – will have a prison guard watching over them at all times, sitting on horseback.

But if any of the hardened criminals even thought about escaping, they would not get far because they would be chained together.

The scheme was met with fury from local Liberal Democrat and Labour leaders. One Labour Suffolk county councillor fumed: “This will be a disgusting affront to human rights, and is no way to reform a prisoner. If anything it will make them hate society and be more likely to re-offend if they got out.

“But I suppose at least the litter will be gone.”

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Blaarst me: iPhone X will recognise Suffolk accent

The Editor
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Blaarst me: iPhone X will recognise Suffolk accent

iphone x

The launch of the new iPhone will finally allow Siri to recognise the Suffolk accent, it has emerged.

Ever since the talking personal assistant was introduced in 2011, it has been confused by the local dialect.

But now Apple has reprogrammed its speech recognition – and Siri will understand ‘Suffolk’ when the iPhone X is launched in November.

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The Suffolk Gazette was given a sneak preview of the new feature at this week’s glittering iPhone X unveiling in the Steve Jobs Theater at Apple’s HQ in California.

We asked Siri several searching questions, and were surprised when it got each answer correct.

SG: What yew think abowt Naarwich?
Siri: Rubbish

SG: Moi shelf is sloightly on th’ huh
Siri: You need a spirit level

SG: Cood-a-hell, it’s blowin a hoolie
Siri: Storm Aileen is approaching Suffolk

SG: Um nowagorn dowen Portman Rowed, foind me sum paarken
Siri: Use the public car park opposite the Sir Bobby Robson stand

SG: Donald Trump, ee’s a rummin hint e?
Siri: Donald Trump is our President and is not strange

SG: Shew me sum wimmin
Siri: Here are some websites I have found – not safe for work

SG: What does uppa towen mean?
Siri: Come on, Ipswich, play well

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Apple software developers say they do not intend to extend the dialect recognition software to include Norfolk.

A spokesman said: “No one in Norfolk knows what they are talking about, so how can we expect Siri to understand them?”

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Workers pretend they know all about Jane Austen

The Editor
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Workers pretend they know all about Jane Austen

Jane Austin ten pound note

Britain’s workers today pretended they knew all about Jane Austen as they played around with the new plastic £10 note.

The classic novelist appears on the new polymer tenner, which came into circulation today.

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There was excitement in offices up and down the country as workers took it in turns to try to rip and scrunch up the new notes.

Most wondered just how much of the boss’ time they could waste discussing features such as the woman’s portrait on the back.

Many covered up their ignorance by nodding sagely while making vague or general comments on who she was.

Such as Minnie Patterson, 29, who works in an Ipswich call centre. Without actually revealing anything at all, she told impressed colleagues: “Ah, a very sensible choice, it’s good to see a woman on a banknote other than the Queen.”

But others really cocked up when told by the office know-all that the lady on the new note was, in fact, Jane Austen.

“Ooh lovely. I’ve got all her records,” cooed Lydia Shaw, 23, from Bury St Edmunds.

Colleague Steve Kramer corrected her, explaining: “Don’t be daft. She is not a singer – she wrote that film, Pride and Prejudice.”

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In an effort to avoid looking completely stupid, some people rushed to the internet to gather a few facts about Austen.

According to Wikipedia, she was an English novelist “known primarily for her six major novels, which interpret, critique and comment upon the British landed gentry at the end of the 18th century”.

And now she’s on the ten pound note.

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