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Nellie the elephant on the loose in Suffolk

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nellie the elephant
Packed her trunk: Nellie the elephant on her Suffolk farm

An elephant called Nellie is on the run after escaping from her private enclosure on a Suffolk farm.

She has been roaming free in the countryside for two days, and police are urging the public to be vigilant.

Nothing has been seen of the 34-year-old female elephant since she escaped from her home near the Lakenheath US airbase on Monday.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Elephants are quite large and you’d have thought Nellie the elephant would have been spotted by now.

“It’s quite possible she has been grazing contentedly and wandered into nearby Thetford Forest, where it would be difficult to spot her.

“But we and the US military have concerns she may get on the runway at Lakenheath, or drop by the local primary school.”

Potato farmer Maurice Piper is a well-known keeper of animals at his farm near Lakenheath north-west Suffolk.

He told the Suffolk Gazette: “We went to give Nellie her morning feed and water on Tuesday morning and she was gone. She has a two-acre site in which to roam, but we saw one the fences was broken. She must have wandered through.

“The public should not be alarmed if they come across a fully-grown elephant. She won’t cause any harm unless you happen to be driving along when she crosses the A134. An elephant won’t use a zebra crossing.”

Nellie the elephant

Mr Piper, who also keeps a tiger and three monkeys, said he had looked after Nellie for 15 years, ever since she packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus.

“It’s a bit embarrassing that she has got out,” he added.

Police have sent search teams and used the Suffolk police helicopter to look for Nellie the Elephant, but so far without luck.

Ms Fisher, based at Martlesham police headquarters, concluded: “There is a terrible old joke that says elephants paint their toenails yellow so they can hide upside-down in custard.

“However, there is no evidence to suggest that Nellie is hiding in a giant pot of custard. It’s far more likely she’s happily foraging in Thetford Forest.”

Unexpectedly for sale: 30,000 Toyota Prius cars

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Used Toyota Prius

FOR SALE!

Owing to unforeseen circumstances, 30,000 used Toyota Prius cars have become available in London.

Even though each of them is under three years old, they have probably had several owners and likely have more than 200,000 miles on the clock.

And they probably smell a little fuzzy inside.

But they normally come with free seat covers and an air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror.

The hybrid cars may look the ugliest thing on the road, but they are extremely economical.

Buyers will have to put up with Black Cab drivers laughing at them uncontrollably while waving £50 notes in a Harry Enfield ‘Loadsa Money’ fashion.

Each Toyota Prius is available for only £3,000, but a job lot of more than 100 of them could drive the price right down.

Used Toyota Prius

Potential buyers are advised to stand on any street corner in London and flag one of the vehicles down using an app on their mobile phone.

It is likely buyers will be in a tremendous position to haggle with the stressed driver, who has just lost his living, and will be keen to get any cash he can.

Meanwhile, in unrelated news, taxi company Uber is to appeal against Transport For London’s decision not to renew its minicab licence in London.

It leaves millions of Londoners forced to get into more expensive Black Cabs, if one happens to be “going your way, mate”.

Pop-up body armour shop opens in Norwich Road, Ipswich

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Busting Norwich Road in Ipswich (Photo: Google maps)

There was good news for Ipswich’s beleaguered shopping districts today after a new pop-up store opened in the town’s Norwich Road.

The store specialises in selling body armour and is already doing a roaring trade.

Locals have been flooding into the shop, squeezed between seventeen exotic cafes and nine barbers, after what other local newspapers described only as a “police incident” yesterday.

Suffolk retail expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Body armour has become the must-have present this Christmas, and this new pop-up store is taking full advantage.

“Ipswich people can now walk the streets of the town without fear of being caught up in any sporadic gang warfare, not that this sort of thing goes on in Ipswich, you understand.”

It is believed posh outlet Coes, also on Norwich Road, is watching the new pop-up store with interest and is considering stocking a range of purple moleskin body armour.

Shopping analysts say the body armour range overtook sacks of onions as Norwich Road’s best-selling products within minutes of the pop-up store opening.

The Queen cancels Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday stripogram

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Prince Andrew party

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen has cancelled a raunchy stripogram booked to appear at the Duke of York’s grand old 60th birthday bash.

Her Majesty was furious when she discovered cheeky pals of wayward Andrew had booked the risque act to appear inside Buckingham Palace on February 19.

Keeper of the Royal Diary Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It would not be fair on the Prince to enjoy a policewoman stripogram, as had originally been intended.

“He’s already said he will cooperate with Jeffrey Epstein investigators, so it might be too close to the bone yet for this kind of party gag.

“Andrew is under pressure and it might be too much for his heart to take, as he’s not in the best of health these days.”

A more appropriate form of entertainment has now been booked – a party package at Pizza Express in Woking.

Meanwhile, palace laundry workers are complaining about the extra workload since the Prince’s sweat glands started working again.

A source said that lots had been drawn to determine who was going to handle the cleaning of his birthday suit, and the unlucky staff member who drew the short straw is thankful that the stripogram after-dinner entertainment has now been cancelled.

Mystery man appears waving at Windsor job centre

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prince andrew job centre
Mystery man waves from job centre doorway

Tongues were wagging in Windsor today when a friendly mystery man turned up at the job centre.

The dashing gentleman was very polite and was even seen waving at a pretty passing blonde woman from behind the job centre door.

Our exclusive photograph shows the job-seeker earlier today. He seemed a little worried about being spotted.

Even though he is unemployed and presumably short of cash, the man left the job centre and popped into the Pizza Express next door.

He sprinted inside, but must be fit as he didn’t even break into a sweat.

Unemployed Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was at my appointment at the Jobcentre Plus when this man came in.

“He was very polite but clearly had no idea what he was doing. I don’t think he’s been unemployed for long.

“At one point he began waving at women from behind the door. Perhaps he’s just lonely.”

More news as we get it.

Drunk man told to take bus home from the pub and crashes it into house

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CCTV image of Steve Walshe racing home from the pub

A drunk man who was advised to leave his car and take the bus home from the pub ended up crashing the 40-seater into his garden, a court heard.

Steve Walshe, 45, agreed to leave his car in the pub car park but took advice to take the bus home literally, Ipswich Magistrates were told.

Prosecutor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “He pinched the keys while the bus driver was on a tea break and drove the bus home to Martlesham, near Ipswich.

“Unfortunately, he had consumed around five pints of beer in an Ipswich pub and lost control on a bend close to his house.

“He ended up crashing through the front garden wall.”

Mr James Dawkins, defending, said his client was of good previous character.

“Mr Walshe generally does what he’s told. He’s a happy drunk, if you like, so when the landlord told him to take the bus home, he took it literally.

“My client would like to apologise to the court.”

Walshe is charged with drunk-driving, theft of a bus and failing to report an accident, on account of the fact he went inside for another drink afterwards.

Magistrates adjourned the case for reports, and Walshe will be sentenced at a later date.

Fibre broadband bringing dismay to Suffolk residents

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After decades of waiting, fibre internet has finally started its march of domination through the county of Suffolk. Not all is breezy, however, as locals have voiced major concerns over the excessive quantity of data being siphoned into their homes.  

Fibre internet refers to the latest broadband technology. Using fibre optic cables, transmission rates are vastly improved over traditional methods.

London Underground” (CC BY-SA 2.0) by fabbio

In some cases, such as downloading a film like Shrek The Third or Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, this can cut download speeds from around 24 minutes to about 8 seconds.

In some regards, users might not experience any real change in their online performance. This is especially true with smaller and lighter cases of entertainment and access such as general webpages and online casino games. These games are already small, so around a second of loading a game of slot, roulette, or a new betting page will usually only see minimal differences.

So from where come the complaints?

Ipswich erotica enthusiast Harry Long, 87, expressed his unease over issues relating to his pre-existing heart conditions.

“Back when the computer made the phone noise things was better,” Long opined. “Used to be I could savour a picture, line by line. Today it’s all video, and it’s there as soon as I click. It’s shocking; some things aren’t meant for high-definition.”

Long isn’t the only one having ‘problems’ with internet speeds, as others have had similar issues with improvements in connectivity.

Mary Grunt of Newmarket, 65, expressed frustration at her lack of possible excuses.

“Sometimes it’s lovely. I’ve five boys, all out of school and all of working age. I love them all, but I only like four of them.” Grunt explained. “With my old internet, I could pretend it was cutting out when James called, today I actually have to talk to him. It’s turned my life into a waking nightmare.”

Our final interview was conducted with Steven S. Stevenson, outside of the Lowestoft courthouse.

“I’m getting done in for piracy, but it ain’t my fault.” Complained the 23-year old. “I used to have to pick the things I share. Today, I just download everything I see.”

“That just means you pirated more, you ****** tw*t.” Added a bystander.

This interview had to be cut short as the two began to fight on the courthouse steps.

So far, dozens of new connections are added to the Suffolk fibre network each week, and the local government seems to be nothing if not encouraging the shift.

Investing millions of dollars into the local infrastructure seems to swayed public opinion under the guise of creating jobs – but at what cost, and how long can this charade continue?

Our time discussing these issues with the Suffolk County Government left them complaining that we “Have the wrong Suffolk, you idiot”. Additional time spent with the Suffolk County Council provided no straight answers, with representatives claiming we were “uneducated”, “unhinged”, and “probably adopted”.

Whatever the case, we stand by our readers in our dedication to tracking down all the information you need to know about Suffolk fibre plans and growing reach. We’ll fight the good fight, so you don’t have to.

Brexit donor Arron Banks Twitter secrets leaked on World Toilet Day

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arron banks twitter
Down the pan: Arron Banks’ Twitter account

In an extraordinary coincidence, secret messages from Arron Banks’ Twitter account have been leaked on World Toilet Day.

Allegedly “bombshell exchanges” between the mega-rich Brexit donor and political associates and media members are doing the rounds today.

Twitter wag Lorraine Fisher, 34, highlighted the delicious irony of all this coming out today, of all days.

“It’s World Toilet Day,” she pointed out. “Normally this occasion might be a flash in the pan.

“But today it is mixed up with Arron Banks’ secrets being spilt over the internet.

“It lifts the lid on some allegedly startling conversations.”

Arron Banks Twitter

The Suffolk Gazette can not repeat any of the alleged private messages, because readers have failed to buy the editor enough beer to even pay for a taxi to court, let alone fork out a huge libel bill.

A spokesman for the Suffolk Gazette added: “Our decision not to repeat any of the messages has nothing at all to do with the fact Mr Banks sent a large donation to us to write positive Brexit stories.”

Mr Banks is the co-founder of leave.eu