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Britain’s first kebab shop found in lost city of Dunwich

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Britain’s first kebab shop found in lost city of Dunwich

Divers researching the lost city of Dunwich have discovered remarkable evidence of Britain’s first kebab shop.

The remains of the 13th-century shop were found under the North Sea during a recent survey using hi-tech imagery equipment.

Records at the Suffolk Registry Office confirm the presence of a takeaway of some sort in 13th-century Dunwich, which was as big and important as London in its day.

Divers recovered large skewers from the seabed, alongside remains of a building that had a service counter and some sort of large grill.

There was also a long, thin knife that would have been used to cut meat from the swirling kebab skewer.

It confirms that Suffolk locals and visiting sailors enjoyed tucking into a doner kebab with chili sauce in medieval times.

Yummy: 13th-century doner kebab

Intriguingly, what is being dubbed as Ye Olde Kebabe Shoppe, was found to be next to a pub and just down the road from a chariot taxi rank.

All the ingredients for a perfect night out.

Underwater archaeologist Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The ancient city of Dunwich was lost to the sea many hundreds of years ago, but it is still throwing up new and exciting discoveries.

“This kebab shop is the best find in recent years.

“It is likely an immigrant arrived on a ship from the Ottoman Empire, liked what he saw, and set up shop.

“We tested the metalwork found on the seabed, skewers to hold doner meat and shish kebabs, and it was made in 1215.

“This makes it Britain’s oldest kebab shop.”

Original documents suggest medieval folks in Dunwich enjoyed their kebabs in ancient pitta bread, garnished with a little salad.

It is not known what the people of Dunwich would have made of Turkey Twizzlers, today’s gourmet food of choice.

Our mugs are not ancient at all

Buy one of the Suffolk Gazette mugs from Dirty Old Goat…

Denis Norden obituary Haiku

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Denis Norden obituary Haiku

Denis Norden obituary

Veteran television presenter Denis Norden has died, aged 96. The Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen delivers his poetic tribute…

Out-take King taken.
RIP Denis Norden.
It’ll Be Alright.

Denis Norden
Born: 6 February 1922, Hackney, London
Died: 19 September 2018, Hampstead, London

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An Ipswich Town giant: Kevin Beattie obituary Haiku

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An Ipswich Town giant: Kevin Beattie obituary Haiku

Kevin Beattie

It was with immense sadness that we, like every other Ipswich Town fan, and the wider sporting community, heard about the death of Kevin Beattie, aged just 64.

Here, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen, offers his unique reflection.

Final whistle blows
Kevin Beattie leaves the field
Ipswich Town applauds.

The Suffolk Gazette editor adds: “The Beat was a colossus in defence for Ipswich Town in the 1970s and early 80s. He was regarded by Sir Bobby Robson as the best player who had ever played for him.

“Had it not been for injury problems, which forced him to retire at 28 years old, Kevin Beattie would have been the England legend he so richly deserved. As it was, he won nine caps, scoring one goal.

“As a kid, I was fortunate to watch Kevin playing for Ipswich many times. We’ll never see the likes of him again.

“Rest in peace, big man.”

Kevin Beattie
Born: December 18, 1953, Carlisle
Died: September 16, 2018, Ipswich

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Suffolk cathedral launches Russian tourist campaign

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Suffolk cathedral launches Russian tourist campaign

By Evan Elpuss, Religious Affairs Correspondent

St Edmundsbury Cathedral is launching a marketing campaign in Russia to cater for unprecedented interest in British places of worship.

Russians are flocking to the UK to see our “very high spires” and big clocks, and to drop in on ancient sites like Stonehenge.

The cathedral in Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk, which originates from the 11th century, is keen to cash in on the extraordinary popularity of big churches among Russian tourists.

And the strapline for the campaign highlights that it “rarely snows in Suffolk”, making tourist conditions ideal.

Two keen Russian tourists told yesterday how they went to see Salisbury Cathedral but were put off staying in the city for too long because it had snowed and there was slush on the ground.

Russians visit cathedral

Good lord: Russians love an English cathedral like St Edmundsbury
Neal Cushion, who works in the marketing department for the Bishop of St Edmundsbury and Ipswich’s office, said Russian tourists could visit the town without getting cold.

“We have a perfect climate in Suffolk. We understand our friends in Russia are used to tropical conditions, so it’s no surprise they don’t want to hang around in places like Salisbury, which is known for Arctic-like weather.

“There is a big market for pairs of burly men who look like they should be nightclub bouncers, coming to the UK, staying in a low-profile east London hotel, and visiting a cathedral before flying home the same day.

“We want to make sure we seize some of that market and show the Russian people just what St Edmundsbury Cathedral has to offer.

“We have a Norman Tower that they will find particularly interesting.”

Mr Cushion said an online marketing campaign in Russia was well underway, and that an advert had been placed in Pravda, the local newspaper.

“We’re already seeing lots of shifty men from Russia, poking around the cathedral. They are very nice people who clearly care about their appearance as they always have a bottle of perfume with them.

“They say this is opening new doors for them.”

It’s not the first time Russian visitors to Suffolk have been in the news. The Suffolk Gazette revealed recently how a Russian submarine was caught spying on Felixstowe.

Diesel jeans to be phased out over foul emissions

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Diesel jeans to be phased out over foul emissions

Diesel jeans to be phased out

Diesel jeans are to be phased out because people wearing them give off more foul emissions.

Tests also show Diesel jeans aficionados make more noise and smoke, the Government has confirmed.

Environmentalists says men and women should trade in their jeans for a pair of electric trousers, which can be silent but deadly (especially in the rain).

However, fans say they have been stitched up by the Government.

Diesel jeans owner Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Suffolk, said: “Only a few years ago the Government was encouraging us to buy Diesel jeans because they were better for the environment.

“Now we’ve spent our money as they advised, and they’re telling us to ditch them.

“They won’t even give us a Diesel jeans scrappage scheme.”

Diesel jeans

Electric trousers are becoming increasingly common in the UK, with charging points in most town centres.

With ever more hi-tech versions coming onto the market, some owners say they can now walk two miles before having to top up.

Prime Minister Theresa May has said she wants Britain to be at the forefront of the electric trousers industry.

Boris Johnson hit by £350 million-a-week divorce bill

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Boris Johnson hit by £350 million-a-week divorce bill

Leave campaign pin-up boy Boris Johnson has been hit with an astonishing £350 million-a-week divorce settlement by his estranged wife.

After claims that he “f*cked the whole country”, wife Marina Wheeler, herself a high-flying lawyer, has nailed down a massive pay-day.

By a strange coincidence, the nosebleed figure is exactly the same as the Leave campaign claimed the UK would save, £350 million a week, by leaving the EU.

But there were suggestions in Whitehall today that the split would hit major roadblocks.

Prime Minister Theresa May is handling the couple’s break-up negotiations herself, and they might now end up tied closer together rather than divorced.

Boris Johnson divorce deal

Boris Johnson: Expensive break-up (Photo: Chatham House CC)
Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Marina Wheeler is no mug. She has slapped a sign on the side of her car saying she’ll get £350 million a week from the break-up.

“Boris simply has nowhere to turn. He has to pay up because if it’s driven around on the side of a vehicle, it must be true.”

In other news, Jacob Rees-Mogg has said he intends to help his friend Mr Johnson find a new home.

“There’s a nice terraced house in central London that will suit him perfectly,” the upper-class politician said.

“The address?

“Number 10 Downing Street.”

Relationship counsellors said the biggest irony of the situation was that Boris Johnson had now officially joined the single market.

“He spent years campaigning against the single market, now he’s a big player in the single market,” one said.

In industry news, the first British-made car to roll off the production line after the Brexit vote has been unveiled.

Senior citizens forced out of bingo halls by hipsters

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Senior citizens forced out of bingo halls by hipsters

It’s the battle of the hipsters as Suffolk’s edgiest residents have begun flocking to the bingo halls and forcing the regular clientele, many of whom have replacement hips, to take to the streets in search of alternative entertainment. Most bingo regulars believed their halls to be a haven free from the scourge of millennials but recent events have demonstrated that there is nothing that hipsters won’t ruin.

When the BBC reported on the trendiness of bingo in 2016, stating how the UK accommodated 45 million visits to bingo halls in a year, it was received as positive news for the game. Unfortunately, the growing popularity of bingo attracted the attention of the hipster crowd looking for something “retro” to do. This has shaken communities across Suffolk to their very foundations.

With younger people filling up the bingo halls, the natural order of society has been affected. To restore balance, many of these senior citizens have claimed the streets in response to losing one of their natural habitats. Many pedestrians have reported how congregations of elderly individuals in dark alleys have forced them to look for alternative routes, not because of intimidation but because their Zimmer frames take up a lot of space.

Early reports suggest that one of the hipsters did attempt to give bingo hall regulars some advice as they pushed past them on their way into the building, suggesting that elderly folk should try to load up a bingo game on their tablet instead. Unfortunately, this advice was muttered at such a low volume that it created tablet-related confusion, with those who heard fragments taking the comment as a reminder to have their medication.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Some of the savviest bingo lovers have deployed a technique regularly used “back in their day” by actually bothering to travel somewhere rather than sitting in front of a screen. Many have been commuting to the Buzz Bingo club in Clacton-on-Sea to get their bingo fix. A large proportion of these bingo players would have been among the 100,000 tourists that used to travel to Clacton-on-Sea each week in the late 1930s, so the combined power of bingo and nostalgia is difficult to resist for this crowd.

These brave travellers will be hoping that the hipsters do not find their way to Clacton-on-Sea too. While bingo is in vogue, going out of one’s way is not yet in fashion. This should buy travellers to Clacton-on-Sea some time. Yet, if the growing success of bingo continues, it may grip the whole country. Hipsters across the nation will religiously copy what happens in places like Camden, with even The Guardian deigning to report on how a new crowd were filling the bingo halls in London. But this is not just a London problem any more.

This fervour for bingo has spread to Suffolk, and its implications could be irreversible. Bingo halls may have to start serving craft beer and using emojis rather than numbers to cater to a generation incapable of expressing genuine emotion with words. True bingo lovers will yearn for a simpler time, with elderly gangs stood outside of the local supermarket loudly reminiscing about the glory days when they won big in the bingo hall.

Wonga ‘on verge of collapse’ after accidentally lending itself £50

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Wonga ‘on verge of collapse’ after accidentally lending itself £50

wonga on brink of collapse

Payday lender Wonga is said to be “on the brink of financial collapse” after accidentally lending itself £50.

Financial experts say the business mistakenly borrowed the cash six months ago and now owes £20 million thanks to its own astronomical interest rate.

Sky News revealed the business had approached Grant Thornton to act as administrator if it became insolvent.

An urgent internal inquiry is now underway to establish why finance teams mistakenly sanctioned lending itself £50.

Industry expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was an error in accounts as no-one at Wonga in their right mind would have used their own toe-curling loans.

“Getting a loan from Wonga at 1,509% interest rates can be ruinous, as many desperate members of the public will tell you.”

An insider at Wonga said it was ironic that the company accidentally lent money to itself and was now on the brink of collapse.

“It was only £50,” he said. “And before we knew it the debt had risen to millions.

“We started getting constant letters and phone calls from our own people demanding money back.

“It seems we may have to go under now.”

Wonga has been facing increasing financial pressure after surging compensation claims from customers.

Several years ago it was forced to slash its astonishing 5,000% interest rates to a cap of 1,509%, a rate that still meant if you borrowed £100, you’d owe £1,500 just 12 months later.

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