Monday, September 15, 2025
Home Blog Page 303

Spanish potato farmer is Donald Trump double

0

Spanish potato farmer

A female Spanish potato farmer has the dubious honour of being Donald Trump’s double.

The happy farmer is of sizeable proportion, and looks elegant in her colourful top and skirt.

And, as if to show she takes no prisoners, she poses with a giant hoe over her shoulder (no Donald Trump jokes there, please).

The photograph of Dolores Leis Antelo was posted by a journalist who was at the farm in Cabana de Bergantiños on an unrelated story.

He posted the photo with the Trump reference but quickly deleted it.

Luckily for us, it was too late as it had already begun being shared on the internet!

Donald Trump double

Now dubbed Señora Trump, Delores is said to be “charmed” that her photograph is being viewed with such keen interest on the web.

“My photo seems to have traveled far. I say it is because of the color of my hair,” she told a Spanish newspaper.

It is not clear if Mr Trump has seen the photo, or if Delores will be invited to the White House.

Masked burglar spotted at Chelsea football match

0

Burglar spotted at Chelsea

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A wanted burglar was caught by television cameras this week watching Chelsea play Huddersfield, police have confirmed.

The masked thief is believed to be behind hundreds of crimes in west London and has evaded all efforts to catch him.

But officers were close to catching their man when he was spotted at Stamford Bridge wearing his distinctive black mask and purple t-shirt.

Police rushed to the stand but the villain, dubbed the Chelsea Dagger, had done a runner.

Inspect Will Knabbem, from Scotland Yard, said: “The lads were watching the Chelsea match on the television in the incident room when the Dagger popped up on the screen.

“They couldn’t believe it – and rushed down to the ground to make an arrest.

“But he’s a slippery customer, and by the time we got there he had vanished.”

It is believed the Chelsea Dagger, so-called because he uses his knife to pick locks, is responsible for 340 burglaries in the posh Chelsea and Kensington districts of London.

He has been caught on CCTV several times wearing his trademark mask which covers his face.

Police say he is around five feet ten inches tall and, according to the man standing next to him in the ground, speaks with a London accent.

That rules him out being a Huddersfield supporter who only pops down to London to watch football and burgle properties.

Police will now be glued to all future televised Chelsea matches in case the burglar is spotted again.

“We’re not daft,” the police spokesman said. “If he dares to turn up at Stamford Bridge again, we’ll grab him.”

Britain irritated by disrespectful dawn chorus

0

Alternative dawn chorus

By Jack Dawes

Britain is waking up to an unusually annoying and noisy dawn chorus as migrating birds return for the summer.

Particularly prevalent this year seem to be the colourful Wheelie Bin Throat Rumbler and the cheeky Glass Bottle Roller.

[AdSense-A]

And while the Red Crested Car Alarm is active at all times of year, the returning Reversing Bin Lorry is back with its distinctive call made all the more harsh when the bedroom window is left open.

Excited ornathologists say the Engine Revving Shitehawk has been heard in front gardens from Lowestoft in the north of Suffolk to as far west as Sudbury.

Twitcher Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Normally I like to open the curtains so we can all admire my Great Tits.

“But at this time of the year, when we tend to sleep with the windows open, we are hearing all manner of feathered friends even with the curtains closed.

“There are some rare species being heard across Suffolk.

“Only yesterday we had reports of a Large Door Slammer in Felixstowe, and even a Bickering C*nt in Stowmarket.

“The Bickering C*nt is the rare cousin of the more commonly-known Irritating C*nt, which is a thrush.”

[AdSense-B]

Not everyone is as keen on the fantastic dawn chorus generated by our feathered friends.

Steve Walshe, from Woodbridge, Tweeted: “We’ve had the lot going off this morning, including a Cat Stabber, which makes an awful screeching sound.

“Some people love birds, but their bloody morning noise wakes me up far too early. It is disrespectful”

* * * * * *

Click here to support the Suffolk Gazette Beer Fund!
[olimometer id=1]

Squirrel rips off man’s testicle during World Naked Gardening Day

0

Squirrel rips of testicle

A squirrel ripped off a man’s testicle and buried it after he dozed off during World Naked Gardening Day.

The nude victim was fast asleep on his sun lounger when the pesky grey squirrel seized his nuts.

It ripped away the man’s right testicle with one bite – and he awoke in agony to see the rodent running off down to the bottom of the garden.

As the gardener howled in agony, covered in blood, the squirrel calmly buried the testicle next to a tree.

World Naked Gardening Day is becoming more popular by the year, and the unnamed victim from the Ipswich area was thought to be one of hundreds of keen local gardeners taking part.

Phil Ward, a spokesman for Ipswich Hospital, confirmed: “A man was treated for a bite injury, apparently caused by a squirrel.

“People really should remain clothed in the garden – last year a seagull ripped off a sunbather’s testicle in Ipswich.”

The Suffolk Gazette understands the man’s wife heard his screams and rushed outside to see him writhing in agony.

She called the ambulance, and told neighbours no one could believe what had happened.

One local said: “The poor man will have a story to tell his grandchildren one day. Thankfully he’s already had kids so there is no problem with that.”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, an animal behaviour expert, said: “Squirrels are very active at this time of year.

“They are busy hoarding food as well as being a little aggressive as they are looking for a mate.

“They can give a nasty nip, so they are best avoided. Clearly the animal thought it had got hold of a tasty walnut.”

Kim Jong-un addicted to FIFA 18 on his Xbox

0

Kim Jong-un on his Xbox

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un is addicted to his Xbox and plays FIFA 18 for hours every night, it has been revealed.

He even battles online against people from around the world, who would be astonished if they knew their opponent’s real identity.

Mr Jong-un spends all his free time on his sofa glued to the FIFA 18 game – so much so that he is considered a high-skilled player, and his screen name TheBossDPRK features high on the worldwide leaderboard.

With the North Korean team being poor in the EA Sports game, the leader has adopted English club side Ipswich Town FC as his favourite to play with.

A North Korean regime spokesman said: “Kim Jong-un plays as Ipswich Town as he has a holiday caravan on the Suffolk coast. Her has proved how good he is by getting them promoted into the Premier League and then winning the Champions League.

“He takes on all comers – if only those people knew who they were really up against!”

Some have said they are sceptical about why the news is now being “leaked” about the leader playing on his Xbox.

But political analysts say it is part of a carefully-choreographed change of image.

Expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “First Kim Jong-un met the Chinese leader, then the President of South Korea. And soon he will be meeting Donald Trump.

While promising to abandon nuclear tests, he wants the world to see him as just a normal person, not some inhumane dictator who suppresses his people.

“Being thought of as a regular guy playing football on his computer is part of this staged impression they are trying to portray.”

However, our investigations reveal there is indeed an Xbox player using the name TheBossDPRK who is one of highest in the FIFA 18 rankings.

An insider at Ipswich Town said: “While we do not endorse the policies of Mr Kim Jong-un, we are glad to see he has impeccable taste by choosing to play as Ipswich Town on his Xbox.

“We are currently searching for a new manager after the departure of Mick McCarthy, so perhaps he would like to apply?”

Firemen free trapped maypole dancers

0

Firemen were called to a Suffolk village today when three women became entangled in a maypole during May Day celebrations.

Each year the ladies in Rattlesden attach large ribbons to the top of the village green maypole and dance around it as part of a centuries-old tradition to herald May 1.

But yesterday the dance descended into farce when one of the participants, who villagers claimed had “been at the cider”, kept getting her dance moves wrong.

The dancers’ colourful ribbons, which were attached to the top of the pole, started getting tangled up.

Before anyone could intervene, three of the women found themselves wrapped around the maypole, tied up and unable to move.

maypole dance

“It was very funny, but we were a little worried because they could not move and one of the ladies said she could not breathe very well,” dance leader Mary Blear-Smythe said.

“But no matter how hard we tried, we could not untangle the ribbons. My husband got some garden shears, but he cut Mrs Pike’s fringe and nearly sliced off Mrs Parkinson’s fingers.

“In the end, we had to call the fire brigade, who were very decent about it. They had to cut the maypole in half above the ladies heads, and then they were able to lift the ribbons off.

“Everybody was very relieved and went to the pub for a calming drink afterwards – except for tipsy Lorraine Fisher, 34, who was the one who caused the problem in the first place. She was sent home.”

Eagle-eyed Suffolk Gazette readers will recognise the village of Rattlesden, near Stowmarket, which is where a blind football team brawled with a bunch of morris dancers in the summer of 2015.

A Suffolk fire service spokesman said: “One appliance was sent to Rattlesden to release three women who had become trapped on a maypole.

“The crew used cutting equipment to slice the pole in half so the ribbons could be lifted off. No one was hurt.”

Mrs Blear-Smythe added: “It’s a bit of a coincidence that we have had two mishaps relating to different folk traditions. We are now a little worried about this summer’s folk music festival at The Brewers Arms.”

Children banned from all Suffolk pubs

0
Children banned from pubs

Children are being banned from all Suffolk pubs so customers can enjoy their food and drink in peace, it has emerged.

New legislation enforced by the Suffolk Pub Landlords Association means parents will be ordered to leave their youngsters in the car park.

In the good old days kids were routinely dumped outside to play in the traffic with a bottle of Coke and a packet of crisps.

But then they began kicking and screaming their way into the pubs.

Before long adults could not hear themselves at the bar over the din of loud-talking or screaming children.

Now grown ups have won their long-fought campaign to keep public houses child free.

“This is a victory for commons sense,” said pub regular Steve Walshe from Woodbridge.

“When I go out I want a quiet pint with my mates, and I do not to expect to be sitting in the middle of a crèche.

“Some parents let their kids get away with murder when they should be sitting quietly. Kids should be seen and not heard – and preferably only seen in the car park.”

But mummy groups on Facebook were furious with the news, claiming it is like something from Victorian Britain.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who runs YummyMumsNet, a successful online community for yummy mummies, was outraged.

“I am fuming,” she said. “If I want to take little Archie to the local gastro pub for a kale and spinach sandwich, then I shall.

“These men would probably want smoking allowed in pubs again as well.”

Parents will now look for different ways to entertain their kids on a budget.

The news comes after it emerged Waitrose was trialing special cages outside its Ipswich store in which unruly children can be stored.

How to properly organize your education time

0

Introduction
Time management plays a great role in different aspects of a person’s life. For the case of education, time management is required to organize one’s activity and have enough time for essay writing, completing assignments, studying, attending classes, and taking enough breaks to relax. It is therefore important that a person identifies and understands all tasks for each single day and allocates enough time for them. Prioritizing on the tasks is also crucial to ensure that one understands the appropriate time required for each task and also works on the most important tasks first. While there are numerous ways of properly organizing one’s time in education, some of the major tips to study effectively (according to CustomEssayOrder.com) are creating a schedule, avoiding procrastination and distraction, doing homework on time, dividing big tasks into smaller pieces, using a planner, and prioritizing on assignments.

Create A schedule
In order to stay organized in college, each student should be aware of his daily tasks and have a schedule for them. This starts with the simple tasks of knowing one’s class times and being in class on time. It also includes all other tasks that the student has to work on and especially those with deadlines such as class assignments and projects. The best way of handling these projects and ensuring that they are delivered on time without interfering with the normal learning program is setting dates and timelines on when to work on them. The created schedule should also have time for breaks, sleep, and socialization. This is because even though learning is vital, it should not make the learner a prisoner by preventing him from carrying out his non-educational activities.

Avoid Procrastination and Distraction
Avoiding postponing is ensured by keeping deadlines and a work schedule. In most cases, students are encouraged to postpone working on projects with long deadlines or those they find complex. This forces them to work with a last minute rush leading to poor performance. It is therefore advisable that one has small bits of the long-term project to complete each so that he has enough time for editing and revising. It is also recommended that a person understands all sources of distraction when learning and avoids them. This is by bearing in mind that the studying plans for other students do not need to necessarily work for him and thus come up with an appropriate plan meeting one’s needs and studying approaches.

Do Your Homework on Time
Every learner has to work on assignments given in class and with a scheduled deadline. While some assignments should be delivered by the end of the day, others can be done in two or more days. It is therefore crucial that a person understands when each assignment is required in order to plan. It also helps in allocating enough time for each assignment since it is expected that an individual works on numerous assignments each day. Doing homework on time would thus start by identifying the deadline, the amount of research required, and appropriate time to deliver high quality work. It I recommended that a student plans well to finish the assignment before the deadline rather than running after the instructor to ask for deadline extensions. This helps in avoiding penalties and fines thus improving one’s academic grades.

Divide Big Tasks into Smaller Pieces
On time management tips for students, it is a requirement that learners identify big assignments and projects in order to ensure quality of work. Some assignments such as a research project require to be done in several months and in bits in order to be successfully completed. It is thus advisable that after being assigned to such projects, the learner identifies the small tasks that should be worked on, sets deadlines for each, and allocates enough time for each with the major goal in mind of delivering the completed big task within the stipulated time. Dividing big tasks into smaller pieces is noted to help in simplifying complex assignments/ projects that could otherwise not be possible to complete. It also helps in preventing last time rush or having shoddy work for fear of reaching the deadline before completing the assignment.

Use a Planner
This might be in form of an application downloaded on one’s phone or a table or graphic representation in the learner’s notebook. With the planner, the student should list everything he has to do. While this might sound obvious, it is very easy for a learner to leave out most vital tasks only to remember them in the last minute thus negatively affecting their quality of work and eventually the overall grade. With a planner, daily tasks should be listed in order of priority including the university deadlines as well as student deadlines (student deadlines should be before or aligning with the university deadlines), and the exact time each task would take off the learner’s schedule. With a planner, it is also easy to check on assignments that have already been completed and add new ones as soon as they are assigned.

Prioritize your Assignments
While all assigned assignments are important, they cannot be handled at the same time. Having an assignment placed as the last on the list does not make it less important. However, prioritizing on assignments ensures that urgent, most important, and assignments requiring more time are worked on first. It helps the student stay organized at college in that he would not have misplaced priorities. For instance, even though socializing and taking breaks are important in a person’s life, this should not take up time that could otherwise be used to complete a very urgent assignment. In addition, an assignment given today but due in a week’s time should be worked on after an assignment given the following day to be delivered in a day.

Conclusion
With the major tips to study effectively including creating a schedule, avoiding procrastination and distraction, doing homework on time, dividing big tasks into smaller pieces, using a planner, and prioritizing on assignments, the life of a learner becomes easy. One will have time for all daily activities including both educational and non-educational tasks. It would also be the best opportunity to ensure that a student optimizes his time and thus achieves good grades. The student has to stay organized at college instead of getting shocked when others are handing in their assignments thus being forced to plead with the instructor for a deadline extension. It also enables the learner focus on his course, which is important as a foundation for his career.