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Crowbar Christmas: Thieves Ransack InPost Delivery Lockers, Steal Xmas Gifts

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Crowbar Christmas: Thieves Ransack InPost Delivery Lockers, Steal Xmas Gifts
Crowbar Christmas: Thieves Ransack Delivery Lockers, Steal Xmas Gifts

Local thieves raid InPost lockers, creating chaotic “Ferrel Advent Calendar” scene.

By Our Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

LOWESTOFT – Christmas has come early—far too early—for crooks in Lowestoft after the InPost parcel locker in the Sainsbury’s car park was found with several of its compartments forced open, earning it the now-widely adopted nickname “The Ferrel Advent Calendar.”

The incident, which police are describing as “a disappointingly on-brand bit of festive opportunism,” involved petty criminals prising open more than a dozen locker doors in what witnesses say resembled “an enthusiastic but morally questionable countdown to Christmas.”

By mid-morning, the locker stood with its doors flapping in the wind like a heavily ransacked advent calendar whose chocolates had all been scoffed by someone who couldn’t wait for December.

Advented story

According to locals, this is not the first time the unit has been tampered with. “Last year it was only two boxes. This year they’ve done half the thing in one go,” said one shopper, who likened the scene to “the aftermath of a toddler left unsupervised with a cardboard Santa.” Another resident said the name “Ferrel Advent Calendar” had “caught on quicker than a Boxing Day return queue.”

InPost confirmed the damage, stressing that security upgrades were already planned. “We do not encourage the premature opening of any compartments,” an InPost spokesperson said. “We particularly discourage the opening of compartments using crowbars.”

Suffolk Police are investigating, reviewing CCTV, and appealing for witnesses who may have seen individuals acting suspiciously “with tools, festive enthusiasm, or both.”

Sainsbury’s said it hopes to have the locker fully repaired “before anyone starts calling it the New Year’s Clearance Sale.”

Festive Glow of neighbour’s ‘Xmas tree’ was Cannabis factory in disguise

The Editor
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Festive Glow of neighbour’s ‘Xmas tree’ was Cannabis factory in disguise
Festive Glow of neighbour’s ‘Xmas tree’ was Cannabis factory in disguise

Admired Christmas tree revealed as cannabis plants after police raid.

By Our Crime Editor: Rob Banks

Residents of a quiet cul-de-sac in Bury St Edmunds were left red-faced this week after discovering that the beautifully illuminated “Christmas tree” glowing cheerfully from an upstairs window was, in fact, a thriving row of six-foot cannabis plants.

For several weeks in December, neighbours had commented admiringly on the warm green glow emanating from number 14. Some praised the “tasteful lighting,” while others remarked on the “impressively tall silhouette” of what they assumed was a particularly healthy Norway spruce. One resident even confessed she had taken a photo for inspiration next year.

The truth emerged abruptly during a full Police raid last Thursday, when officers stormed the property and revealed that the supposed festive centrepiece was actually a well-established homegrown cannabis operation, complete with heat lamps, reflective foil, and a ventilation system that had been mistaken locally for “very committed Christmas spirit.”

PC Darren Mallory, who led the raid, confirmed: “It wasn’t a Christmas tree. It wasn’t even close. Although I will say, the lighting arrangement was surprisingly elegant.”

Pot Plant

Neighbours gathered outside in their dressing gowns as officers carried out evidence, including several enormous cannabis plants that, ironically, looked more festive coming down the stairs than they ever had going up.

“I feel daft now,” admitted one neighbuor. “I told everyone it was the best tree on the street. I even said it looked ‘spiffing.’ Turns out it was more like ‘spliffing.’”

Another resident said she had initially suspected something was odd when she noticed the “tree” appeared to get taller after New Year. “I just thought they were giving it plant food,” she added.

As the investigation continues, neighbors have agreed on one thing: next Christmas, they’ll be a lot more cautious before praising anyone’s decorations—especially if the tree appears to grow several inches a week.

Crumbs! Prosthetic bread-legged ex Squaddie is marathon hero

The Editor
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Crumbs! Prosthetic bread-legged ex Squaddie is marathon hero
Crumbs! Prosthetic bread-legged ex Squaddie is marathon hero

Baguette-Leg Marathon Hopeful Sets Sights on Charity Record

By Our Sports Correspondent: Bernie Legg

LAKENHEATH, SUFFOLK – In what organisers are describing as “the most carbohydrate-intensive athletic attempt in British history,” former soldier Corporal Mark Henshaw (ret.) has unveiled the custom baguette prosthetic limbs he plans to use in next month’s Charity Ultra-Marathon.

Henshaw, who lost both legs during active service, said the idea came to him during a late-night supermarket run, when he noticed the “structural integrity and surprising aerodynamic qualities” of a supermarket French stick. Teaming up with a local prosthetics lab—and, reportedly, a very confused artisan baker—he commissioned a pair of easily attachable, bakery-fresh baguette legs.

Army leggy

At a press conference held outside Greggs, Henshaw explained his motivation with military bluntness. “People run marathons dressed as rhinos and telephone boxes. I figured two baguettes for legs wasn’t that outrageous. And if it makes people donate more, then crack on.”

Early test runs have apparently gone “remarkably well and charities have already expressed delight at his campaign, with donations topping £42,000 before the first official training mile. A spokesperson for Veterans Forward called the stunt “a perfect mix of bravery, innovation, and complex carbohydrates.”

If all goes to plan, Henshaw hopes to break the unofficial record for “Fastest Marathon Completed on Baked Prosthetics,” currently held by a man who ran the 2019 London Marathon wearing bloomer running shoes.

Asked what comes next, Henshaw hinted at further bakery-based innovations. “If these work,” he said, “I might try crumpet elbow pads.”

Hollywood Star Seen Stocking Spaghetti Hoops at Tesco Suffolk

The Editor
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Hollywood Star Seen Stocking Spaghetti Hoops at Tesco Suffolk
Hollywood Star Seen Stocking Spaghetti Hoops at Tesco Suffolk

Hollywood’s Ben Affleck quietly takes shelf-stacking job at Tesco Lowestoft, Suffolk.

By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike

Residents of Lowestoft were left doing double-takes this week after spotting Hollywood A-lister Ben Affleck stacking tins of own-brand spaghetti hoops in the Tesco Extra on Leisure Way. Affleck, 53, who has starred in blockbuster films such as Argo, Batman v Superman, and the lesser-remembered Gigli, has reportedly taken up a part-time shelf-filling role after what insiders are calling a “temporary lull” in major movie opportunities.

Customers initially assumed the man in the navy Tesco fleece was simply a very tired lookalike. But doubts evaporated when the real Affleck was photographed behind the store, smoking a cigarette and staring into the abyss with the sort of expression last seen during his Sad Affleck interview days. One witness reported, “He looked like a man who’d just been asked where the gluten-free couscous is for the 14th time.”

Tesco Suffolk

Tesco management have insisted they “treat all colleagues equally,” though staff claim there was a brief scramble when someone asked whether he could sign their Clubcard. A spokesperson confirmed that Affleck works the early morning shift “mainly on ambient goods, occasionally helping in the bakery when he’s feeling brave.”

Sources close to the actor say the move is part of a “personal reset,” allowing him to focus on “simple, grounding tasks” like aligning jars of own-brand mayonnaise and being berated by customers for the self-checkout machines’ refusal to scan bananas.

Locals, meanwhile, have embraced their new celebrity stock assistant. One regular shopper said, “It’s nice to see someone from Hollywood finally doing an honest day’s work. And he put my lasagna in a bag without squashing it, which is more than I can say for some.”

When asked whether he plans to return to movies, Affleck reportedly shrugged and said, “Maybe. Depends on what the rota looks like.”

Two Guys take on Five Guys in copycat burger van

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Two Guys take on Five Guys in copycat burger van
Two Guys take on Five Guys in copycat burger van

Local burger van rebrands “Two Guys” after Five Guys opens opposite.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

IPSWICH – A longtime burger van operator has re-branded his van “Two Guys”, after last week’s grand opening of a branch of the US fast-food giant Five Guys opposite his pitch.

Owner Kevin Kakan, 29, told reporters he wasn’t deterred by the arrival of the multinational chain — in fact, their arrival “gave me a good laugh, and an idea.” Having spotted a second-hand van emblazoned in red-and-white checkers (eerily similar to Five Guys’ house colours), he bought it for £10,000 and turned it into “Two Guys,” parked directly opposite the new outlet.

Kakan claims business is already brisk despite the inclement Suffolk weather. “We cook everything fresh, we do breakfast rolls, bacon, sausages, burgers — and we’re open long hours,” he said. “If those big burgers are too pricey, we’re the lads doing it cheap and cheerful.”

Two into five don’t go

According to regulars and early customers, the atmosphere is part greasy-spatula charm, part underdog coup. One local motorist waiting for his order shouted over the sizzle: “Mate, I ain’t going for fries that cost me more than my house — I’ll have a bacon bap from Two Guys, thanks!”

Predictably, rev-head satire soon followed on social media. One user quipped, “Five Guys vs Two Guys: welcome to burger-gate 2025.” Others speculated about potential legal action, but Kakan remained unruffled: “If they’ve got a problem, they can always open ‘Three Guys’ next door. More burgers for everyone.”

For now, “Two Guys” continues trading — offering burgers, breakfast baps and quick bites to customers who value affordability, attitude, and a side of cheeky defiance. Whether the name will hold or become the next fast-food punchline remains to be seen.

Stamps made to mark 80th anniversary of “Victory in Europe Day”

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Stamps made to mark 80th anniversary of “Victory in Europe Day”
Stamps made to mark 80th anniversary of “Victory in Europe Day”

LONDON – In a bold tribute to 80 years of post-war progress, the Royal Mail has announced a commemorative set of stamps to mark the anniversary of Victory in Europe Day, reminding the public precisely what the “greatest generation” gave their lives to protect.

By Our Consumer Correspondent: Colin Allcabs

The four-stamp collection, tastefully entitled “What We Fought For”, is said to reflect the “rich tapestry” of modern Britain—a nation forged in the fires of wartime heroism and now smouldering in a peculiar kind of domestic chaos.

First up: a poignant image of uncollected rubbish festering on the streets of Birmingham, representing the enduring British value of stubborn local government disputes. Next, a touching snapshot of illegal migrants in dinghies crossing the Channel, said to symbolise “our proud maritime history and global appeal.”

The third stamp features a group of university students protesting passionately for trans rights, capturing the essence of Britain’s vibrant tradition of shouting at statues. Rounding off the set is a dramatic scene of a London street protest, with angry Muslims waving Palestinian flags—an image Royal Mail insists “reflects our proud commitment to free speech, conditional on not upsetting the Daily Mail.”

First class woke

A spokesperson for the Royal Mail said the stamps “celebrate the diverse ways in which Britain has evolved—or at least changed direction—since Sir Winston Churchill lit a cigar and declared Europe victorious.”

Critics have called the collection “deeply unpatriotic,” while supporters insist it’s “First class woke!”

Vera Lynn could not be reached for comment, on account of having passed away, though one imagines the bluebirds might be circling overhead in quiet confusion.

The stamp set will be available from May 8th, Victory in Europe Day.

Norfolk erects border signs warning tourists not to laugh at the natives

The Editor
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Norfolk erects border signs warning tourists not to laugh at the natives

NORFOLK – A new chapter in the ancient feud between Norfolk and Suffolk unfolded this week as Norfolk County Council unveiled a series of roadside signs at key border crossings, reading: “WARNING TO TOURISTS: DO NOT LAUGH AT THE NATIVES.”

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

The move, described by Norfolk officials as a “necessary step to preserve the dignity of rural life,” has already sparked outrage among Suffolk residents, who claim it is the latest attempt by Norfolk to “overcompensate” for its widely mocked image as the land of slow-moving tractors and indecipherable accents.

The rivalry between the two counties is well-documented, with Norfolk priding itself on its big skies, medieval churches, and what it calls an “unparalleled sense of sensible country living.” Meanwhile, Suffolk styles itself as the more refined cousin, boasting picturesque landscapes, cultural sophistication, and a vague but persistent belief that it is somehow superior.

Strange dialect

A spokesperson for Norfolk County Council defended the signs, stating, “We’ve ‘ad reports of visiting Londoners and the occasional Cambridgeshire interloper snickering at our way of loife. We simply aaaask that people respect local customs, such as the correct pronunciation of ‘hurr’ and the understanding that a ‘quick trip’ often involves an A-road, a livestock delay, and at least one unplanned detour to a faaarm shop.”

Suffolk officials, for their part, have responded with characteristic disdain. “Frankly, we don’t see the need for such signs in Suffolk,” said one local councillor. “But then again, we have fewer reasons to be laughed at.”

Tourists remain bemused by the escalating antics, but all agree on one thing: at least neither county is Cambridgeshire.

World Transgender Darts Tournament to be held at Ipswich gay bar

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World Transgender Darts Tournament to be held at Ipswich gay bar
World Transgender Darts Tournament to be held at Ipswich gay bar

PINK LIGHT DISTRICT, IPSWICH – History will be made next Friday as Ipswich Gay Bar, The Rainbow Room, plays host to the inaugural World Transgender Darts Tournament.

By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred

Players of various genders from across the globe will gather to compete in a thrilling display of darting prowess, all in the hopes of securing the grand prize: two tickets to Mamma Mia! The Party at London’s O2 Arena.

Despite the tournament’s groundbreaking significance, it remains uncertain whether Dutch darts sensation Noa-Lynn van Leuven, the first openly transgender person to compete in the PDC World Darts Championship, will attend. Organisers have remained tight-lipped on potential high-profile appearances, though they have confirmed that several local pub-league legends, including one contestant who identifies as “gender-fluid but still rubbish at darts,” will be in attendance.

Double top surgery

The event will also mark the official debut of the newly sanctioned LGBTQ+ rainbow dartboard, a controversial addition that, while symbolically inclusive, has been criticized by early testers for making it “practically impossible” to aim. “It’s a fantastic statement,” admitted one organizer, “but after a few drinks, no one can actually see where the bullseye is.”

The tournament follows a landmark moment in darts earlier this year when Huw Ware, from Cardiff, became the first openly gay man to officiate a PDC World Darts Championship final, overseeing Luke Littler’s historic victory. Ware has reportedly been invited to referee the Ipswich event but is said to be weighing his options, given the logistical challenges of making fair calls on a dartboard that looks like a Pride parade exploded.

Tickets to the event are free for anyone attending in a gender other than their own.

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