British police tackle rising crime with a nationwide finger-wagging deterrent campaign.
By Our Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett
SCOTLAND YARD, LONDON – In a bold new move hailed as “transformational policing for the 21st century,” Britain’s law enforcement officers have announced they are officially fed up with crime. From petty shoplifting to grand larceny, from graffiti to gun-running, the nation’s constabulary has reached breaking point. Their new plan? To wag their fingers—firmly, decisively, and, if necessary, repeatedly—at offenders.
According to new guidance from the College of Policing, finger-wagging is “a low-cost, high-impact intervention” designed to shame would-be criminals into submission. The manual, entitled Pointing the Way to Safer Streets, instructs officers to make firm eye contact while oscillating the index finger “in a rhythmic but disapproving fashion.”
“It’s about reasserting moral authority,” explained Chief Superintendent Reginald Blenkinsop, who demonstrated the technique at a press conference in Coventry. “It’s non-violent, non-lethal, and only mildly passive-aggressive. Plus, it saves on paperwork.”
What’s the point?
Trials of the new initiative have reportedly seen mixed results. In one instance, a shoplifter in Hull returned a stolen multipack of crisps after receiving “an especially stern wag.” However, in Manchester, a known drug dealer responded by giving officers “the finger” back—leading to what police have described as “a short but complex standoff.”
The National Police Federation has expressed cautious optimism. “Our members are proud to point the finger at crime,” said a spokesperson, “though some have suggested that a baton or taser might still be slightly more effective.”
Home Secretary approval is expected within weeks, with plans to roll out a “WagForce” pilot scheme in high-crime areas by spring.
If successful, the government hopes the scheme could be expanded to other sectors—allowing teachers, nurses, and civil servants to finger-wag their way to a better Britain.
