Sunday, May 5, 2024

Boot Cambridgeshire out of East Anglia

By Edmund King

Poll results

Should Cambs be booted out of East Anglia?
Yes, of course 31.3%
Yes, and Norfolk 27.1%
No, I like flat things 41.6%

So there you have it. Cheerio, Cambridgeshire!


Suffolk and Norfolk have formed an unlikely alliance to get Cambridgeshire booted out of East Anglia.

The annoying, flat county has enjoyed the benefits of quaint East Anglian status for far too long – without actually bringing anything to the party itself.

Apart from Cambridge, which is a nice little city, the rest of the county is only useful for driving through in order to get to important places like the Midlands or Oop North.

The rest of Cambridgeshire is a barren wasteland full of weird people and dykes, as well as other drainage solutions for the Fens.

Not even a couple of cathedrals – one in Ely and another in Peterborough (and let’s not get started about Peterborough) – can justify it being a parasite which feeds off the success of the real East Anglians who attract tourism and wealth.

Barren nights: Cambridgeshire in all its glory

Rural charm: traditional East Anglian scene in Lavenham, Suffolk

Now the great and the good from Suffolk and Norfolk, traditional enemies on so many issues, have teamed up to strike Cambridgeshire from East Anglia altogether.

The region was originally formed of only these two counties – originally called North and South Folk of the Kingdom of East Angles, but the big-eared flatlanders joined in when pesky princess Etheldreda of the Isle of Ely got wed around the year 650.

Ever since the swamplands of Cambridgeshire have been drained to make it more bearable – and in turn Cambridgeshire has drained the life from East Anglia, a place of beautiful countryside, coastline, breweries, a fine football team (in Ipswich, obviously) and the place listed as a number one destination by visitors from around Britain and beyond.

A spokesman for the newly formed Anglia Against Cambridgeshire Coalition, which consists of county council chiefs, MPs, tourism and business leaders, said: “We don’t mind parts of North Essex being in East Anglia because it is picturesque, but Cambridgeshire brings us nothing.

“We’d be better off flooding it, providing a pretty natural boundary to East Anglia from the rest of the country.”

Nobody from Cambridgeshire was available for comment today, but you can have your say by voting in our exclusive poll below…

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