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Senior citizens forced out of bingo halls by hipsters

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It’s the battle of the hipsters as Suffolk’s edgiest residents have begun flocking to the bingo halls and forcing the regular clientele, many of whom have replacement hips, to take to the streets in search of alternative entertainment. Most bingo regulars believed their halls to be a haven free from the scourge of millennials but recent events have demonstrated that there is nothing that hipsters won’t ruin.

When the BBC reported on the trendiness of bingo in 2016, stating how the UK accommodated 45 million visits to bingo halls in a year, it was received as positive news for the game. Unfortunately, the growing popularity of bingo attracted the attention of the hipster crowd looking for something “retro” to do. This has shaken communities across Suffolk to their very foundations.

With younger people filling up the bingo halls, the natural order of society has been affected. To restore balance, many of these senior citizens have claimed the streets in response to losing one of their natural habitats. Many pedestrians have reported how congregations of elderly individuals in dark alleys have forced them to look for alternative routes, not because of intimidation but because their Zimmer frames take up a lot of space.

Early reports suggest that one of the hipsters did attempt to give bingo hall regulars some advice as they pushed past them on their way into the building, suggesting that elderly folk should try to load up a bingo game on their tablet instead. Unfortunately, this advice was muttered at such a low volume that it created tablet-related confusion, with those who heard fragments taking the comment as a reminder to have their medication.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. Some of the savviest bingo lovers have deployed a technique regularly used “back in their day” by actually bothering to travel somewhere rather than sitting in front of a screen. Many have been commuting to the Buzz Bingo club in Clacton-on-Sea to get their bingo fix. A large proportion of these bingo players would have been among the 100,000 tourists that used to travel to Clacton-on-Sea each week in the late 1930s, so the combined power of bingo and nostalgia is difficult to resist for this crowd.

These brave travellers will be hoping that the hipsters do not find their way to Clacton-on-Sea too. While bingo is in vogue, going out of one’s way is not yet in fashion. This should buy travellers to Clacton-on-Sea some time. Yet, if the growing success of bingo continues, it may grip the whole country. Hipsters across the nation will religiously copy what happens in places like Camden, with even The Guardian deigning to report on how a new crowd were filling the bingo halls in London. But this is not just a London problem any more.

This fervour for bingo has spread to Suffolk, and its implications could be irreversible. Bingo halls may have to start serving craft beer and using emojis rather than numbers to cater to a generation incapable of expressing genuine emotion with words. True bingo lovers will yearn for a simpler time, with elderly gangs stood outside of the local supermarket loudly reminiscing about the glory days when they won big in the bingo hall.

Wonga ‘on verge of collapse’ after accidentally lending itself £50

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wonga on brink of collapse

Payday lender Wonga is said to be “on the brink of financial collapse” after accidentally lending itself £50.

Financial experts say the business mistakenly borrowed the cash six months ago and now owes £20 million thanks to its own astronomical interest rate.

Sky News revealed the business had approached Grant Thornton to act as administrator if it became insolvent.

An urgent internal inquiry is now underway to establish why finance teams mistakenly sanctioned lending itself £50.

Industry expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It was an error in accounts as no-one at Wonga in their right mind would have used their own toe-curling loans.

“Getting a loan from Wonga at 1,509% interest rates can be ruinous, as many desperate members of the public will tell you.”

An insider at Wonga said it was ironic that the company accidentally lent money to itself and was now on the brink of collapse.

“It was only £50,” he said. “And before we knew it the debt had risen to millions.

“We started getting constant letters and phone calls from our own people demanding money back.

“It seems we may have to go under now.”

Wonga has been facing increasing financial pressure after surging compensation claims from customers.

Several years ago it was forced to slash its astonishing 5,000% interest rates to a cap of 1,509%, a rate that still meant if you borrowed £100, you’d owe £1,500 just 12 months later.

4 warning signs in an online relationship

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In an ideal world, singles could embrace online dating uk without any misgivings, engaging in friendly conversation before arranging romantic get-togethers. But life is never that simple. For all that matchmaking websites are dedicated to providing a convenient platform for singles to get to know each other, the very nature of this method of communicating can be problematic. So how can you tell if the person you are messaging is telling you the truth all the time? What are the giveaways which indicate they might be toying with your affections? In short, when it comes to identifying when your relationship might be about to implode, what are the warning signs to look for?

Trust issues
Just as in the offline world, online relationships rely on trust. When this becomes eroded, this is a clear sign all is not as it should be. In order to forge a real and genuine connection in an online environment, it is always vital for both parties to be above board at all times, giving an honest account of their feelings. But if the person you are communicating with is consistently coming out with stories which seem difficult to believe, or they repeat themselves with different variations each time, you have to read between the lines. Why are they not telling the truth? Is it because they are feeding exactly the same lines to other site users they are connecting with?

Communication lapses
Another dead giveaway is communication. Does the person you are connecting with sometimes go off-radar for a considerable period of time? It would only be natural to give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking there may be something going on in their private life, such as someone requiring hospital treatment. But another assumption it would only be natural for you to make is they are playing the field when it comes to their online connections. Perhaps they are hedging their bets, chatting up someone else before getting back to you again.

This is even more exacerbated if they are continually making excuses why they don’t want to web chat with you. What do they have to hide? Is there any possibility the version which would presents itself during a Skype call would radically differ from the profile picture they’ve been using?

Lack of images
What about that profile? Another warning sign would be if they have presented scant images. Do you really think this means they are shy? Or isn’t it more likely they just haven’t got the same intensity of feelings as yourself? After all, if you truly care about them, you would have no qualms about sending them as many pictures as they wished to see. If this is not reciprocated, it would only be natural for you to wonder why they don’t feel the same connection. If the emotions within a relationship are unbalanced, this will be even more exacerbated in an online environment.

Offline commitment
Finally, the greatest warning sign of all concerning an online relationship comes about when discussion centers on taking matters to the next level. For most people, a dating site is merely an introductory platform, somewhere to make the initial connection and get to know a potential partner before embarking on the actual face-to-face dates. But if the person is continually making excuses about not wanting to meet you, then you have to ask yourself why this might be? Would it be because they have an existing girlfriend or even wife whom they do not want you to ever find out about?

4 tips to strengthen any relationship

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Even the most apparently healthy relationships will go through ups and downs. In the early stages, whether you met through online dating site or in your local pub, couples will be experiencing the first flushes of potential love. This honeymoon period will be characterized by excitement. You’ll be finding out all about each other’s personalities and passions, and discovering activities to enjoy together.

With time, all that enthusiasm will diminish, replaced by contentment and habit. But even in any relationship where the partners have become completely comfortable with each other, complacency can have a negative impact on their happiness. Here are four tips which will guarantee any partnership remains strong.

Meet issues head on
Whenever there are disagreements or contentious issues, the worst thing you could do is simply try to hope these will sort out themselves. Whenever anything arises which has the potential to cause long-term resentment, no matter what the source of the problem might be, it is imperative these are dealt with from the outset. There is no point putting on a brave face because you don’t wish to rock the boat. This ‘head in the sand’ attitude will only lead to conflict further down the line. It’s far better to maintain an open and honest arena where any problems can be debated. Some couples go out of their way to avoid confrontation, but dealing with anything head one will actually bring you closer as a couple.

Learn how to deal with friction
It’s important to be able to put disagreements in perspective. It would be unnatural for a relationship to coast along, with neither party ever feeling the need to disagree with the other. But arguments can always be controlled if both partners are prepared to compromise and not allow the situation to spiral out of control. As a couple, you should relish healthy and vigorous debates on any subject. Even if these do become heated, they can actually be a satisfying way to let off steam. It’s healthy to have opposing viewpoints. As long as you accept there are lines which must never be crossed, and compromises which must always be reached, your relationship will be strengthened.

Keep an upbeat attitude
Another excellent tip towards maintaining the positivity in any partnership is to try and maintain an optimistic outlook at all times. It is only natural there will be incidents which arise that can provoke feelings of disappointment. But stress and trauma can be overcome by striving to remain positive. This is where one partner can be particularly supportive of their other half. No matter how despondent they might feel about something, if you can be on their side, providing support and encouragement at all times, then the old adage will prove to be true: a problem shared is a problem halved.

Accept no relationship is perfect
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. The reason for this is quite straightforward. Relationships involve human beings and each and every one of us is flawed in some way. Being less than perfect is one of the prime characteristics which makes us human.

This can actually be a source of positivity for any couple if they accept there will be times when unpleasant characteristics come to the fore. Aspects like weakness, selfishness, greed and many others may not be that pleasant when they are exhibited. But they are nothing to get unduly concerned about when placed in this context. We are all capable of behaving to less than impeccable standards. The important thing is to accept shortcomings and to be prepared to forgive and move on.

Ipswich player sent off for making dangerous 10-yard pass

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This video shows Ipswich defender Toto Nsiala being sent off for a committing a horrifically dangerous 10-yard pass.

The clip shows he got to the ball and passed to a teammate seconds before Sheffield Wednesday’s Fernando Forestieri arrived and managed to jump out of the way, saving himself from certain death.

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Within minutes, Wednesday scored against 10-man Ipswich to secure a 2-1 victory and send the Suffolk side to the bottom of the table.

Football referee expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Ipswich player could have killed someone passing the ball ten yards like that.

“This sort of dangerous recklessness has to be eliminated from the game.

“Forestieri can consider himself lucky to be alive.”

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It was the second time in a week that Ipswich have had a player sent off.

The club will appeal against Nsiala’s red card, because it was absolutely fecking ridiculous.

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Nine out of ten cars parked outside Waitrose are Audis

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Audis at Waitrose

A staggering ninety per cent of all cars parked outside Waitrose are Audis, an official survey has confirmed.

Representatives from pollsters Morri found nine out of ten vehicles outside the Waitrose store in Ipswich were Audis of various models.

All belonged to middle-class folk who looked very important and busy as they dashed inside the store to pick up their overpriced vegetables, Waitrose wine and avocados.

Waitrose near me

Pollsters, who were commissioned to carry out the survey by the joint motoring and retail analysts Moore, Money Van-Sents took photographs of the car park to prove just how many Audi owners shopped at a Waitrose near me.

Audis at Waitrose

Hundreds of Audis parked at Waitrose
The photograph at the top of the page shows just one row of the car park, but when the camera panned out to reveal more of the Waitrose parking site at Futura Park above, it was clear there were hundreds of the coveted German cars. The remaining ten per cent of cars were made up of BMWs, Range Rovers and a Mercedes-Benz.

Retail expert Rupert Johnson said: “This survey is conclusive proof that a certain type of person shops at Waitrose. They will be middle class, drive an Audi and not mind paying over the top for their weekly shop.

“The irony is they would be devastated to know that if they took the name of their car, and changed just one letter, they would get Aldi.”

Furious pub customer served rude sausage pie

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Rude sausage pie

A man walked out of a pub in disgust after being served a rude sausage pie for Sunday lunch.

Steve Walshe was looking forward to the dish but was astonished when it was served up.

He demanded an apology from the landlord of the Two Ducks near Ipswich.

But staff insist Mr Walshe had been rude and foul-mouthed when he arrived in the pub and ordered his food.

One bar person said: “He talked down to us and joked about the landlady’s appearance. So, when he ordered his sausage pie, chef was only too happy to change things up.

“We served sausage pie to him and, as expected, he failed to see the funny side.

“He swore at our barman and walked out. Hopefully we’ll not see him again.”

Mr Walshe left a one-star review on TripAdvisor, telling everyone to avoid the Two Ducks.

He wrote: “Never go here. I ordered a sausage piece and got a very rude shaped dish.”

Landlady Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Our staff have a wicked sense of humour.

“Unfortunately, not all customers see it that way. This particular gentleman had been rude when he arrived, so perhaps he got what he deserved.

“We cut up his sausage pie after he walked out and shared it among our other grateful guests. They loved it.”

Meanwhile, police have renewed their advice to hikers to avoid rural Norfolk country pubs.

Woman uses Just For Men hair product, grows beard

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Just for Men

A woman who foolishly used Just For Men hair dye product ended up growing a beard, it has emerged.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, from Stowmarket in Suffolk, ignored strict instructions that the product to remove grey hair was for men only.

She popped into her local chemist and purchased a bottle of Just For Men hair product, then splashed it all over her greying head.

But Ms Fisher was horrified that although her grey hairs become a beautiful dark shade of brown, she also started to grow a beard.

Within five days she more or less had a full beard and had to return to the chemist to buy a razor.

The shopkeeper refused to give her a refund for the Just For Men hair product because the packaging explicitly says it is just for men.

Ms Fisher has been told she will always now have a beautiful beard – and that she can use the alternative Just For Men beard colouring product to ensure it remains free of grey flecks.

She has decided to make the best out of a rather annoying situation by joining the Norfolk Traveling Freak Circus, which is currently enjoying a summer season in Great Yarmouth.

A family friend said: “Everyone knows Just For Men can only be used by men. She’s not too clever when it comes to that sort of thing, so she sort of accepts it’s all her fault.

“She is getting used to the beard. Her partner actually and enjoys stroking it in the evening.

“And because she’s joined the circus, she’s actually the first member of her family to get a proper job.”

An insider at US makers Combe Incorporated said: “What part of Just For Men did this woman not understand?”