Larry the Downing Street cat has again reassured Britain that he is now running the country.
After the Supreme Court ruled Prime Minister Boris Johnson had acted illegally and lied to the Queen, Larry wanted to calm the nation’s fears.
Larry, 12, declared: “Don’t worry, Britain. I’m in charge now.”
As he has moved from his favourite doorstep outside Number 10 to take up office inside, he insisted he is the right cat for the job and would never have prrrrrrrorogued Parliament.
In a powerful address to the nation, he promised to bring a divided country back together.
He said: “This is the greatest honour that can come to any cat in a democracy. I know full well the responsibilities that await me as I enter the door of No. 10 and I’ll strive unceasingly to try to fulfil the trust and confidence that the British people have placed in me and the things in which I believe.
“And I would just like to remember some words of St. Francis of Assisi, which I think are really just particularly apt at the moment. ‘Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. Where there is despair, may we bring hope, and where there is an empty dish, may we bring Whiskas’.”
Larry’s first job, after a nap in the sunshine, will be to form his first Cabinet.
Political commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Speculation is rife about who will join Larry in Cabinet. He thinks Michael Gove is a rat, so for his own safety he might like to keep away.”
It’s unclear where Larry stands on the Brexit debate. One minute he asks to go out, then he’s in, then he asks to go out again. Some campaigners fear he’ll simply push Brexit off the table. That would certainly put bookmakers in the litterbox, who have happily collected future bets while giving both remain and leave a sporting chance.
Removal teams were today arriving in Downing Street with some of Larry’s belongings to help him settle in, including a scratching post and a clockwork mouse.
Downing Street staff must expect many changes, including allowing the Prime Minister to poo in the rose garden.
The Suffolk Gazette is produced by the top copywriter at Magic Word Media.