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Seaborne Freight trials first ferry crossing from Ramsgate

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Seaborne Freight trials first ferry crossing from Ramsgate
World's smallest container ship

Under-fire Seaborne Freight has launched its first sea trials ahead of easing Britain’s transport crisis in the event of a no deal Brexit.

The company, which won a £13.8 million Government contract from Chris Grayling, despite having no ships, ports or even a website, has moved quickly to prove it is ready for business.

The nation’s media was invited to the Port of Ramsgate in Kent today to view the first container being put on Seaborne Freight’s flagship ferry.

At 1pm the shipment left Kent en route to Ostend in Belgium, where it was expect by sometime next week, if the wind is in the right direction.

The sturdy wooden vessel should not sink given the better weather conditions expected from March.

Seaborne Freight was controversially awarded the contract after fears grew that the M20 could get overwhelmed by lorries unable to move swiftly through Dover after Brexit.

The idea was to divert some of that traffic to the new service from Ramsgate.

Seaborne Freight bosses have moved to show they are more than ready with their new £13 million.

Insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Today’s departure of one container on our bespoke cross-channel vessel shows how prepared we are.”

She added: “We expect to have another boat like this before Britain tumbles out of the EU in March, so really everyone needs to calm down. We’ve got it all under control.”

China discovers Dark Side of the Moon

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China discovers Dark Side of the Moon

By Roger Waters, Space Correspondent

China today shocked the world by revealing its latest lunar explorer spacecraft had discovered an old Pink Floyd album.

The extraordinary news means the Chinese have finally caught up with quirky British prog rock tastes from 1973.

The Chang’e 4 spacecraft touched down on Thursday morning Beijing time, official China Central Television reported.

Moments later, the first sounds of the Dark Side of the Moon album were beamed back to boffins at the Chinese Space Agency. First Breathe, then Great Gig in the Sky, followed by Money.

British space expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Chinese couldn’t believe what they were hearing.

“Under a strict regime of state censorship, they had never heard of Pink Floyd before, let alone the Dark Side of the Moon album.

“The country has now taken prog rock to its heart and assumes all western songs must be at least 13 minutes long.”

The album is one of the biggest selling albums of all time, enjoyed by generations of men in their bedrooms when they’ve got nothing better to do.

The mission heralds China’s plan to become a global superpower in space exploration.

It is already planning a new mission to Mars, where it hopes to prove if the rumours of the existence of a David Bowie hit single are true.

You won’t believe this new Norfolk pub meal called a ploughman’s lunch

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You won’t believe this new Norfolk pub meal called a ploughman’s lunch

ploughmans lunch


By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norfolk pubs have discovered a newfangled culinary delicacy called a ploughman’s lunch.

They hope the futuristic food will transform profits by enticing locals to eat in their pubs rather than just drinking ale.

The gourmet meal is considered super difficult to prepare and some landlords are worried the modern cuisine will put customers off.

Pub-goers in Norfolk have been content with munching pickled eggs for years, but food writers have observed some forward-thinking establishments have been dishing up oxtail soup to the more adventurous.

Now the ploughman’s lunch is set to revolutionise the Norfolk pub food scene – so long as punters are willing to accept it.

A ploughman’s takes all the skill of a Norfolk kitchen hand to prepare and many will need retraining.

It is made of two slices of bread, a bit of stale cheddar cheese, some random wilted greenery (including cucumber if it’s in season) and if selected from the a la carte menu, a pickle.

Bubba Spuckler, chairman of the Norfolk Licensed Victuallers Association, said: “We like to consider ourselves as pioneers in the hospitality business.

“And I’m delighted Norfolk is first with this new pub food delicacy. It’s fine dining at its best.

“Just you see – pubs up and down the country will be scrambling to catch up with us now.”

It is believed the meal was called ploughman’s lunch after one Norfolk landlord stole a packed lunch from a passing farmhand. He was so impressed with the contents that he decided to replicate it in his kitchen, where he also has some funny mugs.

Pub-goer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I can’t see it catching on.”

The Suffolk Gazette guide to achieving your 2019 goals

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The Suffolk Gazette guide to achieving your 2019 goals

At the beginning of every new year, we dream of improving our lives, be it losing weight, getting fit or making more money.

So, in the spirit of being as helpful as ever, here’s your handy Suffolk Gazette guide to making your 2019 goals stick.

Lay off the junk food

Do you want to lose weight? Scientists have made the astonishing discovery that eating fast food leads to weight gain. Who knew?

How about gorging less on McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, kebabs, fish and chips, Nando’s, Five Guys and pies from Greggs? Eat a salad instead, because when did you ever see a fat rabbit in the wild?

Go to the gym

Congratulations on paying out a small fortune on your posh gym membership. And well done for buying the fashionably expensive gym gear to go with it. You look great in that lycra. At least you would if you actually went to the gym.

Our top tip is to get off your lard arse and put some effort into your exercise regime. What’s the point in paying for your gym membership and going once for your free fitness appraisal, only to become demotivated instantly and never go again?

Win some money

Forget what the do-gooders say; money really can buy you happiness (and love if you use certain websites that we won’t mention here). We accept that it’s not easy to get your hands on more cash, and we don’t recommend bank robbery.

But here on the Suffolk Gazette, we do like a little gamble. It’s probably not a good idea to bet on Ipswich Town avoiding relegation from the Championship this season; you’d be far better off trying to spin up your cash in an online casino.

Kickstart your career

Fed-up at work? Well stop moaning about it and do something. Everyone’s bored of people moaning about their mundane employment or mad boss who doesn’t understand them. There’s plenty of work opportunities out there, you just need to get your backside into gear, and network like your life depends on it. Get on with it.

If the Suffolk Gazette can reach and engage with hundreds of thousands of people a month, you can surely make connections with at least ten prospective new employers each month. Start doing some online research and stop watching crap on television.

Be nice to your neighbours

If you’re nice to your neighbours, they’ll be nice to you. Everyone can live happily together.

However, this piece of advice DOES NOT apply to Norfolk. The people of Norfolk, our neighbours over the border, should be treated with the utter contempt that they deserve.

Let us know how you get on

That’s it for your brilliant New Year advice from the Suffolk Gazette. If you achieve just one of these goals, the year will be a success.

Doing nothing is not an option, and we can’t wait to hear how you get on. Good luck!

New Year fashion collection launched in Norfolk

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New Year fashion collection launched in Norfolk

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

These to-die-for porky boots are the highlight of a New Year fashion collection launched in Norfolk today.

The pig trotter footwear is already being snapped up by the fashion-conscious ladies of Norfolk. And some men.

Norfolk fashion house, Squeal Like a Pig Clothing Ltd launched the boots along with some new-look six-fingered gloves, perfect for the chilly weather.

Also revealed in a special fashion show at Norwich cattle market earlier today was a new collection of dungarees, which was met with rapturous whoops and applause from a cheering crowd, accompanied by some banjo players.

However, discerning buyers might prefer heading to myloafers.co.uk instead.

Suffolk fashion expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Norfolk taste for clothing and accessories is somewhat different to Suffolk.

“The trotter boots are clearly aimed at the local market, and there’s no way they would sell in Suffolk or anywhere else in the UK. Except for Devon, perhaps.”

The pig trotter boots are available only to those willing to barter with turnips or pitchforks.

But if you’re looking for a proper online clothing shop, visit Popgear.

Where’s Knudsen? The new game for Ipswich fans

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Where’s Knudsen? The new game for Ipswich fans

Ipswich Town fans are playing an exciting new game to try and inject some excitement into a disastrous season. It’s called Where’s Knudsen.

The idea is to freeze-frame footage of any opposition goal and establish where the Ipswich left-back is – because he is never where he’s meant to be.

The photograph above shows centre back Matthew Pennington covering at left-back at QPR last week, exactly where Knudsen should have been.

But the Dane had gone missing, meaning the QPR attacker crossed the ball for the striker scored easily, cementing Town’s place at the bottom of the league.

Do you want to play Where’s Knudsen? See if you can spot him cropping up in all sorts of places where you least expect him. Except the final photo, that is.

Cropping up on the right wing
Where most of his crosses end up
Another royal f*ck up
At last – where Knudsen is meant to be

Ipswich fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I’ve been playing Where’s Knudsen all season. It’s brilliant, he always crops up in the last place you’re expecting him to.”

But Ipswich fans may only have days more to play their favourite new game, because the World Cup star could be heading out of Portman Road in the transfer window.

“We may need to give him very strict instructions about where to stand for the taxi,” a club insider said.

Desperate man makes it to Britain after fleeing Africa

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Desperate man makes it to Britain after fleeing Africa

A man has finally made it to the shores of Britain after escaping the horrors of a luxury safari holiday in Africa.

Mr Sajid Javid was one of the thousands of desperate people fleeing the African continent to reach the safety of the UK this week.

As many migrants took the brave decision to risk floating across the English Channel in perilous conditions, Mr Javid, a Home Secretary, took the first available first-class flight.

He wanted to show he was in charge of the growing migrant crisis, something that appeared troublesome while he was at a secret safari hideaway in South Africa for Christmas.

Political insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Thank the Lord that Mr Javid made it safely to Britain, all the way from Africa,

“I’m sure all the desperate people trying to get across the Channel in flimsy rubber dinghies will feel the same.”

Mr Javid spent a fortune on his luxury safari trip to Dulini, a hideaway in Kruger National Park which charges £840 per person per night. 

The swanky vacation offers guests private plunge pools and in-room massages while offering drives where leopards, lions and elephants can be spotted on the journey.

But that’s nothing to the exciting sights and sounds experienced by the African migrants who arrived in France to be afforded every possible luxury before their thrilling boat trip to the UK.

June Whitfield obituary Haiku

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June Whitfield obituary Haiku

Following the news that comedy actress Dame June Whitfield has died, aged 93, the Suffolk Gazette offers up this tribute by resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen.

Ab Fab’s June Whitfield
Terry’s long-suffering wife
Has left us, laughing.

Dame June Rosemary Whitfield DBE

Born: 11th November 1925, London

Died: 28th December 2018

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