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Suffolk village houses are only sloightly on th’ huh

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Suffolk village houses

By Ruth Tyler, Property Correspondent

Traditional Suffolk village houses are not about to fall down but are simply “sloightly on th’ huh”, it has emerged.

Locals confirm wonky buildings have been seemingly falling over for years, so there’s nothing to worry about.

Londoner Lorraine Fisher, 34, insisted on walking down the middle of the street during a recent visit to Lavenham, just in case the pretty crooked houses fell on top of her.

Writing in the London Evening Standard newspaper, she said: “They don’t look like they were made very well.

“Builders in Suffolk clearly don’t seem up to much – perhaps the spirit level hasn’t reached rural East Anglia yet.”

But local property expert Jeremiah Tolly exclaimed: “Blaarst me! They’re only sloightly on th’ huh.”

He said the houses had been built more than 600 years ago by wealthy wool merchants.

And if they were going to fall down, they would have done so long ago.

Not wonky, just sloightly on th’ huh

“Cood-a-hell! That Lorraine Fisher woman is a wurry guts. She’s talking a lood of old squit,” Mr Tolly said.

News that Lavenham’s houses are not about to fall down was welcomed by tourists in the town today.

Steve Walshe, 38, from the United States said: “I tried to talk to some local Suffolk people. Don’t these guys speak English?

“Is there a fried chicken joint here?”

The news comes soon after it emerged a local woman had been able to to afford to buy a house in Southwold.

Greater Anglia launches reliable new train service

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Greater Anglia new train

By Casey Jones, Railways Correspondent

Greater Anglia has launched a new hi-tech commuter rail service which promises to be its most reliable ever.

The under-fire train company has begun a novel peak-time service between Ipswich and London Liverpool Street, stopping at Colchester.

It features a single train carriage strapped to the back of a lorry, which sets off from Ipswich station at 5.30am.

The ‘train’ then heads down the A12, round the M25 and into east London to Liverpool Street via the A13, arriving at 10am.

Service levels are said to be “excellent”, with no reliability issues with trains breaking down.

And the only signal problems encountered so far was when the traffic lights at the end of Burrell Road turned red just as the lorry was approaching.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Greater Anglia’s innovations department, said: “Our customers have been telling us for years that our trains are unreliable.

“Together with points issues, signal failures, line-side fires, leaves on the line, it being too cold and it being too hot, it all adds up to a fairly crap service.

“Now we have come up with this brilliant new plan, and we haven’t had one train fault yet.”

The lorry train has been such a hit that Greater Anglia is leasing another 30 lorries.

Each will have its own train carriage on the back, and will be able to take hundreds of passengers every day.

Rail user Steve Walshe, 38, of Woodbridge said: “I commute into London every day from Ipswich and have used this new service once.

“It was very reliable, but a little slow. However, at least it got me to work, which is not always guaranteed with the current rail service.”

But critics say Greater Anglia’s the new lorry train idea is a waste of money.

“They already have a huge fleet of rail replacement buses. Why not just use them all the time?” asked on angry passenger.

Rotherham and Ipswich Town fans in unique Barry Chuckle tribute

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Football fans will today pay a unique and emotional tribute to comedy legend Barry Chuckle, who died last week aged 73.

Barry was a life president at his hometown club Rotherham United, and today the Chuckle Brothers’ catchphrase will be chanted loud and clear between Rotherham and visiting Ipswich Town supporters.

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During the 73rd minute, no matter what the score is or how exciting the game is, Rotherham fans will shout: “TO ME”, and the 2,000 Ipswich supporters will respond with “TO YOU”.

This will carry on for the whole minute in recognition of The Chuckle Brothers’ famous catchline, which was usually accompanied with a plank of wood.

The Suffolk Gazette is proud to be an Ipswich fan on a day when football comes together and supporters can do their bit to honour a great man.

It’s not clear if his brother Paul will be attending the game.

RIP Barry Chuckle, although we still hope Ipswich come away with three points today.

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Football fan Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “A whole generation of people have grown and found it impossible not to say, ‘To me, to you’, when carrying something with a friend.

“Well done to Rotherham and Ipswich fans for this moving tribute, and we all look forward to seeing videos of it afterwards.”

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Two strangers arrive to perform Boris Johnson’s weekly colonic irrigation

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Boris Johnson's colonic irrigation

A health care agency has sent two different members of staff to Boris Johnson’s home for his weekly colonic irrigation treatment.

The ladies were pictured arriving this morning holding objects that they intended to insert up the former foreign secretary’s rectum.

Some say Mr Johnson needs weekly colonic irrigation because he’s so full of sh*t.

But after his latest outburst about women in burkas looking like bank robbers and postboxes, it seems he’s in for a particularly hair-raising session today.

An insider at R C Pipe Health Ltd revealed the two women had specifically asked to attend to Mr Johnson.

“They normally work in our pedicure department, but for some reason they were very keen to give colonic irrigation a go today.

“I’m not sure why they took two rather large umbrellas with them.

“It must be because it’s hot.”

Mr Johnson has not been seen since the ladies entered through his rear entrance.

Neighbour Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “I was quite surprised when they arrived because the other two health workers have been attending to Mr Johnson for years.

“I’m sure everything’s fine, but I did hear a rather alarming scream a short while ago.

“Perhaps nobody told these woman it’s bad luck to open umbrellas indoors?”

Woman tried to steal recipe for prize-winning chutney

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By Rob Banks, Crime Editor

A jealous woman was caught breaking into a Suffolk farmhouse to steal the secret recipe for an award-winning homemade chutney, a court heard yesterday.

Edna Spratt, 44, was jealous of Lorraine Fisher’s success with her tasty chutney at country fayres and Women’s Institute shows.

Spratt’s own pickles, which used to be the talk of East Anglia, had failed to win any prizes for five years, and she was determined to get hold of 34-year-old Ms Fisher’s ingredients, Ipswich Crown Court was told.

Edna Spratt on LinkedIn

 

Spratt: accused of attempted theft of award-winning chutney recipe

Timothy Simpkins, prosecuting, told the shocked courtroom: “Ms Fisher, 34, had just retired to bed when she heard a loud crash. She ran down to the kitchen where she found the accused headfirst in the swing bin, having climbed through the window above and fallen down.

“Her legs were waving about and there were muffled screams as Spratt had evidently got her head stuck in a chicken carcass.

“Rather than help her out, Ms Fisher called Suffolk police, who arrived within 25 minutes to make an arrest.

“Spratt admitted to officers at the scene that she had walked to Suffolk from her hovel in Dereham and simply wanted to see the award-winning chutney recipe. She was visibly upset, although police believed it was an act.

“They insisted Spratt, who used to be a cook, was now a seasoned criminal.”

chutney

 

Tangy treat: One of Ms Fisher’s (34) celebrated chutneys

However, Marigold Cross, for Spratt, said her client denied breaking and entering and the attempted theft of a chutney recipe.

She said: “Miss Spratt was simply out for a pleasant evening stroll and got a bit lost. She knows her Norfolk landscape well but got disoriented south of the border in Suffolk. She was simply seeking help when she spotted this farmhouse.

“Miss Spratt produces splendid chutney and jams of her own, and there is no need for her to steal a recipe from Ms Fisher, 34. I know it looks suspicious because 34-year-old Lorraine Fisher has won so many prizes and she is my client’s arch-rival, but this is all an unfortunate coincidence.”

Mrs Cross told the jury that Miss Spratt lived with her brother and their ten children near Dereham in Norfolk, and being found guilty would cause great hardship to the family. “There would be no-one left to grow and look after their turnips,” she said.

Judge John Dredd is due to hear closing speeches tomorrow. The case continues.

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Steps to make cannabis butter (cannabutter) in your kitchen

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How to make cannabis butter? You must have heard that cannabis butter is beneficial to health. In fact, in some parts of the country, its manufacturing and distribution have been legalized. A large number of chefs love making cannabis butter considering it a must ingredient of lunches and dinners.

Despite the fact that you have heard about its disadvantages, experts reveal that cannabis butter or weed is good for both body and mind. It boosts your performance, keeps your body active, and improves your mental capabilities to an extent. If you had been looking for a cannabutter recipe, then here we in collaboration with bestpot.ca have shared some steps for you to have a better understanding.

Step 1 – Decarboxylation
You should decarboxylate the butter and weed to get desired results. In order to make cannabis butter or marijuana-infused butter, you should apply heat to cannabis for several minutes. This process is called decarboxylation. It will activate the chemicals, THC, in the cannabis and you will able to obtain the butter without compromising on quality or taste. Usually, chefs recommend to heat the oven up to 250 degrees and place cannabis plant in it for several minutes. Baking for forty minutes would be great. While heating and baking, you should make sure that the cannabis becomes crumbly and dry. It is when you have to add it to the oil or butter of desire.

Step 2 – Saucepan & proportions
How to make cannabutter? In the next step, you should take some water in a small saucepan and boil it for some minutes. Add some marijuana into it and make sure it floats about 2.2 inches from the bottom of your saucepan. When the water will begin boiling, you should let butter to melt. Give it several moments or minutes to get melted properly. Ideally, you can use four to five sticks of butter in one ounce of weed or marijuana.

Step 3 – Melting and mixing
Once you see that the butter has been melted, you should begin adding marijuana and let it settle for some time. Turn the heat off when the weed is added in a low proportion. If you will let it cook for some hours, weed will get properly adjusted in the butter. Keep cooking until you have obtained a thick and mouth-watering thing.

Step 4 – Bowl
When the butter and cannabis fully settle with each other in the saucepan, you should transfer them to one of your heatproof bowls. Most often, chefs use plastic food containers for weed butter. You can do the same but make sure a thick layer of cheese has become visible on the top. You may wrap it with a plastic wrapper to be ensured of hygiene.

Step 5 – Straining
Staining is one of the most important steps. You should stain your weed butter for some minutes in the bowl. During this process, you should not spill it at any cost. In the next step, you will have to squeeze out the butter.

Step 6 – Cooling & freezing
How to make weed butter? Cooling and freezing are one of the major steps to take into consideration. You should let the butter cool down for some hours. Ideally, you can place it in the refrigerator and let the butter rise to the top layer of the plate or bowl. It should transform into a solid form, and the presence of THC means you have not compromised on the quality.

Step 7 – Rolling
Take a sharp knife and run it carefully around the edges so that the butter looks beautiful. Remove all of the cooking oil or water from its surface, and the weed butter will be ready to serve.

Interesting benefits of cannabis butter
There are a lot of benefits of marijuana butter, and doctors always recommend it to their patients depending on their disease status and health condition. From a medicinal point of view, it is edible and promotes good health. You may use it to manage depression, anxiety and other problems. Plus, it is good for cancer and HIV/AIDS patients. Experts indicate that cannabis butter is good for people with memory loss, malaria, and other similar issues. However, you should not use it without the recommendation of your doctor. In addition, it helps manage seizures and soothes your nerves. Studies indicate that cannabis butter regulates the blood flow in the body and helps women get the flawless and adorable skin.

It is the dream of every lady to have beautiful and shining skin. For this purpose, they use different cosmetics and spend a lot on beauty products. However, if you opt for cannabis butter or weed, you will get a lot of benefits in a short time, meaning you will not have to spend anything on your beauty products and can save a lot of money while maintaining your beauty and grace.
A plethora of researches shows that marijuana’s compounds help prevents cancer and other chronic diseases. With the passage of time, every two out of 1000 people suffer from cancer or HIV/AIDS. These are the two most dangerous diseases that may take the life instantly or within days. The regular consumption of marijuana or cannabis butter is good for such patients. However, you should not use any of these products without the recommendation and advice of your doctor. The chance is that your current stage of cancer does not permit you to consume cannabis butter or to smoke weed.

It is considered a good alternative to painkillers and regulates your sleeping habits to an extent. If you have been using medicines because you are unable to sleep well at night, you might be asked to rely on cannabis butter or weed for some days. Similarly, if you have pain in some part of your body or are suffering from the joint problem, the chance is that your doctor will diagnose the disease and recommend cannabis or medical marijuana.

Conclusion
It is enough to prove that making cannabis butter is good not only for you but also for your family. If you are a working woman or a businessman, you can definitely try making it at home as it won’t take a lot of time.

Brexit boom for village idiots

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village idiot

The centuries-old tradition of village idiots will see a massive revival after Britain finally leaves the EU, the Government has confirmed.

For decades village idiot numbers have dwindled after EU meddling made much of their role illegal.

But now Theresa May and her Brexit team have confirmed the EU has bowed to pressure and taken village idiot laws off the negotiation table.

Once a favourite of every village in East Anglia, particularly in Suffolk and Norfolk, village idiots entertained locals and visitors alike.

However, in 1981 the EU banned sitting on garden walls on health and safety grounds, which greatly reduced the village idiot habitat.

Then EU bureaucrats banned the practice of straw sucking, insisting individuals could be damaged by chemicals.

The final straw came in 1987 when liberal-minded EU laws made it illegal to throw fruit at the local village idiot.

Numbers have fallen ever since, and now they can only be seen in around a dozen villages in Suffolk, including Peasenhall, Laxfield and Kersey.

However, with those draconian rules relaxed once Brexit is enforced, becoming a village idiot will be an attractive proposition once more.

village idiots brexit

What a Twerp: idiot Larry
Village idiot Larry Twerp, pictured above, who was recently fined for sitting on a garden wall, welcomed the news.

He said: “I feel very keenly that the idiot is a part of the old village system and as such has a vital role to play in he modern rural society.

“Because there is a very real need for someone who really anyone can look down upon and ridicule.

“And this is the role that I and members of my family have performed in this village for 400 years.

“The idiot really does provide a vital psycho-social service for this community.”

Village idiots survive by receiving handouts from generous locals.

They also attract tourists, keen to spot a village idiot in action, especially since they have become so rare.

However, second-home owners from Liberal areas of London not only voted against Brexit, they also hate village idiots.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, who took Larry Twerp to court for sitting repeatedly on her garden wall in Little Brimmer, said: “At first they’re quite endearing.

“But you soon tire of their oohing and aaring. And they smell.

“There will suddenly be hundreds of them after Brexit. Theresa May should never have allowed it.”

Delighted: Kersey village idiot Bruce Smear
Enterprising village idiot Bruce Smear, 63, from Kersey in Suffolk, said he now had plans to open a new village idiot finishing school.

He said: “Falling off walls and behaving in silly ways takes years of practice. It’s not for everybody, but we can make a village idiot of you yet.”

The relaxation of anti-village idiot laws makes it unlikely that Aldeburgh, the posh Suffolk seaside town, will continue hiring its own village idiot because others will arrive naturally.

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Shock as Aldeburgh twinned with Magaluf

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By Peter Grimes, Aldeburgh Reporter

Aldeburgh, the posh Suffolk seaside town, is to be twinned with Magaluf in recognition of both resorts’ similarities.

The Suffolk coastal retreat, favourite among the county’s wealthy and thousands of London second-home owners, will now take on some of its new twin-town’s features.

Arriving this summer will be inflatable banana boat riding on the North Sea, 20 kebab shops, a Lineker’s Bar pub, and a new high-rise hotel.

Following on next year will be a tattoo parlor and a new mega-nightclub named Shagaluf.

These new attractions will sit nicely alongside the Edwardian facades of genteel hotels, the historic Moot Hall and the famous quiet beach in Aldeburgh, which only gets noisy when the town hosts an open-air opera.

aldeburgh

Magaluf: flesh hotspot

Aldeburgh town councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is great news for the town. Aldeburgh attracts a quite unique type of visitor, and we scoured Europe high and low for a suitable twin town so we could enjoy sharing traditions and fellowship.

“Magaluf in Majorca was the spitting image of everything we do so well here. We can’t wait to see the benefit.”

Magaluf

Aldeburgh: genteel Suffolk seaside resort

Some locals have suggested the inflatable banana boat rides would be unpopular because the North Sea is so cold compared with the Med.

But the council insists tourists will be so boozed up they won’t notice. It is studying plans to demolish the famous lifeboat station in order to redevelop it as a high-rise hotel.

Road signs into Aldeburgh, which recently banned a dad from the town for having a tattoo, are already showing off the new relationship.

aldeburgh

Sign of the times