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Terrifying Black Shuck devil dog reappears in Ipswich

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This exclusive, extraordinary footage reveals the legendary Black Shuck devil dog, which terrorised East Anglia in the 16th-century, has reappeared in Ipswich.

The seven-foot ghost animal, with terrifying flaming red eyes, has been seen several times this week in the town’s Christchurch Park and has now been caught on film for the first time.

Experts say it has likely been attracted by the scent of blood from the new guillotines at the nearby Cornhill.

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Hell-hound Black Shuck can tear a human to shreds in seconds with its savage claws and huge razor-sharp teeth.

Now, families are being warned to keep an eye on their children while out and about in Christchurch Park.

“Perhaps it is wise to keep them close. It might also be sensible to keep your own dogs on a lead because Black Shuck will make light work of them,” said Ipswich council parks official Lorraine Fisher, 34.

There were complaints when the guillotines were built in Ipswich town centre that they were unsightly.

Guillotine Ipswich

But no-one predicted the smell of blood from local beheaded criminals would re-awaken Black Shuck.

The huge animal makes a terrifying howl but you can not hear it running towards you. And by then it’s too late.

It famously killed churchgoers in the Holy Trinity church in Blythburgh during a fierce storm in 1577. Its claw marks are still visible on the church door.

More hapless Christians were torn to shreds in Bungay, and Black Shuck is now incorporated in the town’s crest.

Black shuck suffolk

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Anyone spotting Black Shuck is advised to stand as still as possible. There is only one foolproof defence method known to man – and that’s to hold up a photograph of Norwich City owner Delia Smith.

Doing so will send the 14-stone blood-curdling beast (Black Shuck, not Delia) running for cover.

Meanwhile, Ipswich parks department has brought in a team of big-game hunters to track down the dog and kill it before it runs amok.

Our exclusive video shows a sighting of Black Shuck running across the front of the Christchurch Park mansion.

“It was a terrifying moment,” said one local dog walker. “There was an ear-splitting howl and a foul smell. I thought at first it was my wife, but then everything else in the park went eerily quiet.

“I got my phone out and managed to get this video of Black Shuck, which looked like it was after a squirrel.

“The hell-hound is obviously driven to a frenzy by the heads and blood of the local criminals executed on the Cornhill guillotines.”

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Sprout shortage set to ruin Christmas

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sprout shortage

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

As if Britain hasn’t had a bad news this year already, it’s emerged there will be a shortage of sprouts this Christmas.

Everyone’s favourite festive vegetable will be missing from many Christmas Day dinners.

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The drought-like conditions across the country in the summer made for virtually impossible planting and growing conditions for the tasty green treats.

Now supermarkets are bracing themselves for shortages ahead of the traditional Yuletide rush to stock up for the holidays.

Retail bosses fear there could be near rioting in the aisles as shoppers push and shove to grab whatever meagre sprout rations are put on the shelves.

National Sprout Federation chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, warned: “It’s been a terrible time for the sprout crop.

“We’re predicting outages across Britain, bringing misery to most Christmas meal celebrations.

“The summer heatwave, while pleasant enough at the time, has meant most sprouts will not grow in time for the winter harvest.

“You’ll have to have peas with your turkey this year.”

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However, the sprout shortage news was met with joy by Britain’s children.

Steve Walshe, aged seven, from Woodbridge, said: “It’s the worst part of Christmas. Sprouts make me sick yet I am forced to eat one or I can’t have Christmas Pudding.”

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Kevin the Carrot leading gay double life shocker

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Kevin the carrot is secretly gay

Superstar Kevin the Carrot, whose showbiz career was launched by Aldi Christmas TV ads, is leading a double life, The Suffolk Gazette on Sunday can reveal.

Fan hysteria has hit Aldi stores where Kevin makes regular appearances. Shoppers can’t wait to get their hands on him.

He shot to fame when Aldi did a spoof of the famous Christmas Coca-Cola truck hurtling into town.

Kevin was driving and ended up with the giant truck hanging off a cliff. But he and wife Katie were saved for Christmas.

But on Friday night, Kevin, father of three, was seen sneaking out the back entrance of Aldi in Ipswich – with Colin the Courgette.

They were both literally legless and holding on to each other. An eye-witness saw them lurch over to a group of men dressed like The Village People who were heading off to a Pride Rally at a nearby nightclub.

Kevin the Carrot

In the early hours, a Suffolk Gazette investigative reporter and a paparazzi snapper confronted Kevin the Carrot and Colin to get to the root of the story.

Fans had no idea that their married idol had been leading a life underground.

Kevin admitted: “I’m so ashamed for cheating on my wife, Katie. She will be boiling mad. Carrots often lead mucky lives but they try to keep it from the public.

“Actually, I’m glad it’s out. I’ve been blackmailed by wicked Pascal the Parsnip.”

Katie said: “Now That Kevin’s admitted it I will try to make our marriage grate again.

Colin the Courgette confessed: “It was all my fault, man. I groomed Kevin and thought we could have a simmering affair. I was wrong and will back off now he’s given me the chop.”

Ipswich Vegetable Liaison Officer Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “In enlightened times there is nothing wrong with being gay.

“But people will be shocked that Kev has come out of the kitchen closet because he has made a fortune by building his image as a family man.

“Poor Katie has enough on her plate as it is.”

Cheeky mugs to buy

Here are some Suffolk Gazette mugs you should buy…

Guillotines erected in Ipswich to deter criminals

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Guillotine Ipswich

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Four new guillotines are being erected in Ipswich as part of a tough crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

The sturdy structures are now in place, and Suffolk police are just waiting for the terrifying angled blades to arrive from France.

Executioners have already been hired, with many willing volunteers from certain local Facebook groups all happy to offer their services.

A police insider said heads of the hapless criminals would be displayed on spikes around the newly-refurbished Cornhill, as a deterrent to others.

Ipswich is a popular destination for street drinkers, drug dealers, beggars and residents who seem to think their anti-social behaviour is acceptable.

Now, they face summary execution in the town square, recently part of a multi-million-pound improvement programme, without trial.

Local councillor Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “This is the ultimate deterrent to local criminals.

“The guillotines were highly effective when used in France during the French Revolution. They were an option for the death penalty until as late as 1981, so it’s quite a modern technique.”

The guillotines have been built for £20,000 each, but council bosses say the cost has already been recouped by selling the exclusive execution broadcast rights to Sky Sports.

The Who Ipswich

Not my generation
Meanwhile, some wags say the horrific-looking structures, which appear to be rather basic slabs of concrete, will be perfect for those wishing to relieve themselves after one too many drinks.

It is suggested that Ipswich town centre will soon look like the iconic cover to The Who’s album, Who’s Next, pictured above.

“What could possibly go wrong?” asked an office worker on his way to lunch today.

Richard Baker obituary Haiku

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BBC news reader Richard Baker

Former BBC news reader Richard Baker has died, aged 93. The well-known journalist first broadcast in 1954, and was a mainstay of British front rooms, relaying world events.

It is fitting, therefore, that he should be remembered in this Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, by Richard Standen

Have you heard the news?
Richard Baker’s last headline
It’s goodnight from him.

Richard Baker OBE RD, BBC news broadcaster
Born: 15th June 1925, Willesden, Middlesex, England
Died: 17th November 2018, Oxford, England

Norfolk man steps into Odor-Eaters, disappears

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Norfolk man odor eaters

Police are searching for a Norfolk man who stepped into a pair of Odor-Eaters and disappeared.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The popular shoe accessory promises to make human smells vanish, and absorb sweat.

Bubba Spuckler, 27, from Downham Market, was gifted the Odor-Eaters as an anniversary present.

But instead of keeping his clogs smelling sweetly of roses, the product devoured his whole stinking body.

Norfolk Police say one minute he was standing in the kitchen of the house he shares with his sister and their eight children, and the next all that was left was his two wooden clogs and a pile of dust.

A spokesman said: “These Odor-Eaters really are effective at getting rid of nasty smells.

“It is perhaps advisable to use them with caution in Norfolk.”

People in Norfolk only shower once a year, even if they don’t need it.

Company spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mr Spuckler’s sister is devastated, and we are helping her as best we can.

“She has another brother, Billy Bob, who has come round to comfort her.”

The shocking news comes only days after the Suffolk Gazette revealed how a nine-year-old girl vanished after trying a skin cream that makes you 10 years younger.

Don’t get us a piano for Christmas, warn Britain’s children

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John Lewis Elton John Christmas piano

Britain’s kids have appealed to their parents NOT to get them a boring piano for Christmas, it has emerged.

They spoke out after the new John Lewis advert showed how a five-year-old Elton John getting a piano for Christmas changed his life.

“It’s not the effing 1950s,” complained Josh Fisher, aged seven, from Suffolk.

“Playing the piano is so boring. Who wants to do that anymore? I want a new Xbox, loads of games, an electric go-kart and a new bike.

“If my parents get me a piano, I’ll be furious and never speak to them again.”

Elton John and JOhn Lewis advert

Sad song: Sir Elton and John Lewis

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, saw the new John Lewis Christmas TV ad featuring Elton John when it was released this morning.

“I was moved to tears,” she said. “So much so that I rushed out to buy some tickets for his new tour.

“It’s quite clear that if I buy a piano for Josh, he’ll love it and go on to become an international celebrity.”

The television ad shows Sir Elton today looking sadly at his piano keyboard. It then has clips of some of his biggest career moments, features a young Elton playing piano at a school concert, and ends with him being given his gift-wrapped piano on Christmas morning, aged around five.

“Hopefully mum realises what a daft idea it would be to buy me one,” asserted Josh.

“Anyway, John Lewis doesn’t even sell pianos.”

Stan Lee obituary Haiku

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Stan Lee obituary haiku

No sooner had we reported the news of Douglas Rain’s death (the voice of Hal) than news emerged that Stan Lee, legendary creator of Marvel Comics, had died, aged 94.

It’s fitting that the Spiderman and other superheroes creator should receive a special Suffolk Gazette obituary Haiku, written by Richard Standen.

Kerpow! Stan Lee dies.
Captain Comic hangs up cape.
He was marvellous.

Stan Lee, American comic book writer
Born: December 28, 1922, New York City, United States
Died: November 12, 2018, Los Angeles, United States

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