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Sports Direct offers coronavirus a place to exercise

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Sports Direct offers coronavirus a place to exercise

Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct stores tried to remain open to thoughtfully offer the coronavirus somewhere to exercise freely.

After Prime Minister Boris Johnson ruled everyone is only allowed out to exercise, Mr Ashley spotted that the poor coronavirus cannot walk a dog or enjoy a bike ride.

So he has decided to unselfishly keep his shops open so the virus can jump around from one member of staff or shopper to another.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a spokesperson for Sports Direct, said: “We have racks upon racks of cheap Firetrap t-shirts and Lonsdale tracksuits where the coronavirus can lurk after being placed there by the public.

“Then they can hop on to the next hapless person who comes along. It’s the only exercise the virus can get thanks to Mr Johnson’s new lockdown measures.

“Mr Ashley and Sports Direct are doing the public a great service and should be applauded.”

However, Brits were not sure Mr Ashley’s excuse for remaining open will go down well.

Shopper Steve Walshe said: “He’s just a money-grabbing, irresponsible tosspot.”

After a huge public outcry, Sports Direct announced that, despite writing to the Prime Minister asking for clarification if it could open, it would now shut.

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Slot tournaments to look out for

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Slot tournaments to look out for
Slot game

If you are finding a tad bit boring playing the slots online by yourself, why not enter one of the many tournaments that are available these days to spice things up a little. One of the benefits of entering one of these tournaments is the fact that many casino operators love to showcase the new games they have to offer at barbadosbingo.com, and what better way to do this than by hosting a tournament.

How to choose an online slot tournament 

It was not until pretty recently that players could enter a slot game tournament. Tournaments were reserved for poker players because at the time those were the only casino game tournaments on offer. These days, with the progression of technology, players are able to find tournaments for numerous different games. 

It is quite simple to join one of these tournaments and even though they may not hold the same prestige as their poker counterpart, there is something about seeing your name at the top of the leaderboard, even if it is just for a game that is based solely on luck rather than skill.

The best things to look out for when trying to decide on which tournament to enter are the following points. Make sure that the tournament offers players the chance to keep what they win. Most tournaments will be run using the latest games, sometimes this will be the first time the game is being played, it is always nice to be the first to play a game, even if you don’t end up winning the tournament.  

How it works 

Tournaments are usually extremely fast-paced and will keep you on your toes to say the least. The object of the game is simple, spin the reels over and over again and try to make sure that you accumulate more points than your competition. Obviously, your end goal is to make it onto the leaderboard as this is a good indicator that you have done well, whether or not you win the overall tournament.

The best tip that we could offer is this; spin those reels as fast as you possibly can, like your lively-hood depended on it actually. The reason for this is due to the fact that all tournaments have a set time frame of which you need to play in, it goes without saying that the faster you spin, the more spins you will make therefore directly translating into more winning opportunities.

Make sure you read the rules before entering into a competition. Keep an eye out for points such as, is it free or do you need to buy-in. Tournaments that have buy-ins usually offer much better prizes than the free ones.

We think that a deciding factor in which tournament you choose to enter is based on fun, it’s not like anyone likes playing a boring game, so make sure it’s a game you enjoy and full of thrills.

Many tournaments will implement a minimum bet; this means that any spins made under this threshold will not count towards your overall score. 

Tournaments 

Slot Fighter, Golden Legend, Enchanted Meadow, Diamond Strike, Irish Gold, Blazin’ Buffalo, Golden Ticket and many more tournaments are available, so get online and find that one that tickles your fancy.

Burning witches could be banned in Suffolk by next year

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Burning witches could be banned in Suffolk by next year
Burning witches

The ancient tradition of burning witches could be banned in rural Suffolk as early as next year, it has emerged.

Human rights campaigners have lobbied hard for police and local authorities to clamp down on the fiery public executions.

The rest of Britain banned witch-burning hundreds of years ago, but around five witches are executed in Suffolk each year, mostly in the rural north and west of the county.

Up until now, authorities have turned a blind eye because it’s a tradition going back hundreds of years – and nobody likes witches.

But now civil rights group Witch Watch has forced a rethink. Chairperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Suffolk is the last place in the UK where witches are routinely burnt at the stake.

“One or two drown during dunking trials in The Fens, but burning is barbaric.

“Witch hunts have to come to an end. This isn’t the Middle Ages any more.”

Some rural community leaders and church officials are furious at the move.

The Rev Evan Elpuss, who preaches around the Brandon area in north-west Suffolk, said: “Witch Watch and their cronies are the work of the devil. We’ll still catch and burn witches whether they like it or not.

“The work of the WitchFinder General continues here in Suffolk.”

Suffolk County Council’s rural affairs committee will vote on the witch-burning ban later this summer. If they approve, police have said they will have no choice but to enforce it.

A spokesman said: “If we catch any villagers burning a witch, there will be consequences.”

Currently, anyone found doing so faces a maximum fine of £25 plus £10 compensation to the witch’s family.

It is believed there have been one or two errors with rabble-rousers burning innocent people, including a BT Open Reach engineer who was simply trying to install new-fangled internet functionality in Buttsford.

Now the Government offers advice about how to eat each other

The Editor
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Now the Government offers advice about how to eat each other

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has stepped up the Government response to the Covid-19 crisis by confirming we are now allowed to eat each other.

As supermarket shelves across Britain remain empty thanks to the panic-buying idiots, many families are now running low on food.

In his latest daily press conference, Mr Johnson said: “The time has come for even more drastic measures.

“As from 8am tomorrow, Britons will be allowed to each other as a last resort, if the cupboards are bare.

“These are unprecedented times and self-isolating families, or those unable to source food from elsewhere should consider a sacrifice.

“We are following the scientific advice by recommending you choose the weakest member of the family first.”

Mr Johnson said the department for food would be issuing some butchery and recipe advice in the coming days.

Spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s amazing what you can do with a clever bit of seasoning.”

Men forced to make money from saucy dance routine

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Men forced to make money from saucy dance routine
The male pals from Leiston in training

A group of male friends is being forced to make money from putting on a revealing dance routine.

As the coronavirus wipes out hope of earning any cash, men are resorting to desperate measures to earn a living.

One group of pals from Leiston in Suffolk, pictured above, is setting up a special stripping dance troup.

Lead man Steve Walshe, 49, said: “We’re all now out of a job, so are secretly setting up a sexy strip show.

“The ladies of Suffolk are going to love it, and hopefully pay a lot of money to see us strip off on stage – all from a safe distance, of course. We might even stream it online.

“We call it the Full Monty – it’s never been done before.

“We were even practising our moves in the JobCentre yesterday while waiting to prove we could not work because of the virus.”

However, while one local woman has said she will pay £5 to see them perform, another, Lorraine Fisher, 34, added: “I’ll give them £10 not to.”

Children realising work-from-home parents do no work at all

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Children realising work-from-home parents do no work at all
girl disappears
Lilly Fisher: ‘Parents clearly have no real job after all’

Children forced to stay away from school are seeing for the first time that their parents’ jobs are not very difficult after all.

Kids are now stuck with self-isolating parents working from home – and they’re not impressed.

Far from hours of stress, calls, online meetings and furious typing, they see mum and dad scanning social media and wandering around making endless cups of tea so she can use her Suffolk Gazette Frank Sinatra crooner virus mug.

Lilly Fisher, nine, said that for years her mum claimed she had endured a stressful day at work, doing vital tasks for which she deserved more pay.

“Now, thanks to the coronavirus, I get to see her working from home. She doesn’t seem to be doing very much at all,” Lilly explained.

“There appears to be a lot of surfing the internet and the occasional hoot of laughter over some silly Facebook video or meme.

“During one long conference call, she watched an entire episode of Loose Women.

“I had expected her to be more or less running the company. Now the truth is out and she can’t tell me off about not doing my homework properly ever again.

“And don’t get me started about dad. He always claims he has an important job but seems to be spending a lot of time on the golf course.”

However, mum Lorraine, 34, said: “I am simply making things look easy so that everyone else can be relaxed.

“I am very good at multi-tasking.”

Toilet roll would have saved dinosaurs from extinction

The Editor
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Toilet roll would have saved dinosaurs from extinction
Dinosaurs had no toilet roll
T Rex had no toilet roll

Dinosaurs would not have been wiped out if they had stocked up on loo roll, scientists have confirmed.

The devastating asteroid collision with earth 66 million years ago killed off only those creatures who did not panic buy toilet paper.

Palaeontologist Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, said recently-found fossils confirmed none of the dead dinosaurs had any loo roll with them at the time of death.

“This exciting news confirms that people we were calling idiots only yesterday for panic buying loo roll are, in fact, ahead of the curve.

“The parallels are clear: in the face of a global emergency, you must have toilet paper to survive.”

It is believed that tyrannosaurus rex dinosaurs were the first to perish because they had tiny arms and couldn’t reach the bog roll on the supermarket shelves.

“Needless to say, none of the other dinosaurs felt like helping them out, given that they had been trying to eat them only days before,” Dr Fisher added.

The Suffolk Gazette is maintaining round-the-clock coverage of coronavirus in a desperate attempt to get some revenue. Click here for our coronavirus news coverage.

England football fans must wait another year for crushing disappointment

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England football fans must wait another year for crushing disappointment
England prepare
England fans preparing for disappointment

The postponement of Euro 2020 means England football fans must wait another year for their biennial bout of disappointment.

Supporters look forward to the Euros and World Cups with mounting excitement, only to be let down by the clowns on the pitch.

But now Euro 2020, which would have seen England as one of the favourites, only to fail hopelessly, has been put back 12 months owing to the coronavirus outbreak.

Sports behavioral scientist Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, of Suffolk University, said: “The delay, unfortunately, means crushing defeat in the quarter-finals to Portugal will be even harder to take than normal.

“England fans will have had an extra year to build themselves into even more of a frenzy.

“Only to find that football isn’t coming home yet again.”

The tournament, due to take place from 12 June-12 July this summer, will now run from 11 June to 11 July next year.

Presuming anyone is left on the planet.

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