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Police fear missionary may have been eaten by Norfolk cannibals

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Police fear missionary may have been eaten by Norfolk cannibals

Missionary missing in Norfolk

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police fear for the safety of a missionary who has gone missing after venturing into deepest Norfolk to preach the word of God.

The Rev Evan Elpuss has not been seen since last Tuesday when he crossed into the county from the Suffolk town of Beccles.

He had told worried relatives that it was his calling to introduce God to the lawless and backward tribes living across Norfolk.

Traveling alone in the rural backwaters, especially for a man of the cloth, is extremely perilous.

Reports of vicars and priests being hung and even boiled alive in pots and eaten have been rife for years.

Now police in Suffolk fear Rev Elpuss, who comes from Felixstowe, has become a cannibal’s breakfast.

Force spokeswoman Sgt Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s like the Middle Ages in parts of rural Norfolk, especially around Downham Market, and local tribes have not taken kindly to strange men turning up with a book trying to preach the word of God.

“We have open files on five missionaries who have gone missing while working north of the border.

“Bones found next to a large cauldron at a settlement near Dereham were found to be human. It’s not difficult to work out what has happened to these poor people.”

Rev Elpuss, 29, has been working as a missionary for five years. There was little God-fearing work to do in Suffolk, so he had to travel wider to seek those who needed support from above.

Parts of Essex and Cambridgeshire was hard enough, but he told his boss, The Rev Neil Cushion, that it was his ambition to create a flock in Norfolk and build the county’s first church.

He left earlier this week with nothing more than his trusty bible and a bicycle and has not been seen since.

A Church of England spokesman said: “Not since the days of avoiding cannibals and vicious tribes in South America, Australia and Africa has missionary work been so dangerous.

“We would urge anyone with information about the whereabouts of the Rev Evan Elpuss to contact police immediately.”

 

Top tips for opening your own repairs garage

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Top tips for opening your own repairs garage

If you love all things car-related then you might decide that you want to open your own garage. Owning a place where people can come to get their cars fixed can provide a real heart to your community whether you are in a tiny village or a major city. Here are some of the best things we know when you are thinking about opening a repairs shop.

Invest in Your Staff

Your staff are going to be some of the most important support you will have. You need to make sure that you are always going to get the right people when working there. Trying to recruit the right talent might be difficult at first. You need to find candidates with a drive to succeed, a passion for cars of all varieties, and a good working knowledge of mechanics.

They also need to have the right sort of protection. While you will provide protective gear and the correct tools, you’ll also need to ensure both your business and your staff have appropriate motor trade insurance in place. Take a look at quotezone.co.uk to find out more about how much this type of insurance might cost – this website can help you to compare multiple insurance policies so you can find one that suits your budget.

Look at Your Competition

You should always keep tabs on your competitors. If you have the only garage for miles around, you still need to make sure that you have the right business practices. Looking at either a national chain or your nearest competitor is going to give you some ideas about what you could do.

Even if you are not an expert, you need to make sure that you are using social media and the power of the internet to stay ahead. You cannot hope to rely solely on passing traffic or word of mouth in the modern age. Make sure that your website is set up properly so people can find you and see what services you offer. You might have to go to a company which specialises in SEO for this but it will be more than worth it when you see results.

Consider Specialisation

One way to stand out from your competition is to consider specialisation. While this might be difficult to achieve at first since you will have to invest in the right equipment, it could be worth it in the long run.

If you live in a densely populated and affluent area, you might want to look into servicing high-end cars. Putting together a number of different packages to help you take care of these impressive cars will hopefully attract some customers who are happy to return to you time and time again. They will also be able to help you spread the word to their friends, possibly attracting you even more business.

Out in the countryside? No problem, you just need to change the way you specialise. In this scenario, specialising in farming equipment might be a lucrative option for you. Many farmers will be able to repair their own equipment but there is always the chance that it might break beyond their technical knowledge. If you can offer them the services they require, they might come to you for repairs across lots of different machinery.

Location is Key

While not as important as it would have been, location is still key for your garage. You are going to need a big lot with enough space to store all the cars plus the equipment you will need in the workshop itself. You should also have an office or reception which is a clean and clear space compared to the grease of the workshop itself.

These needs can restrict the type of lot you hire but you still need to make sure that it is precisely right. You also need to consider access to the property. Having your customers approach down a narrow road is going to be off-putting. If the garage is located somewhere odd, it might also make them question whether or not they are in the right place even with clear instructions on your website.

Plenty of Opportunity

Opening your own garage can be difficult but the challenge also offers plenty of rewards. There are so many car owners out there and they all need to have their vehicles maintained at some point. If you can find the right niche in the market and offer brilliant customer service, there is no reason why you cannot start your own thriving mechanic shop. The points listed above are just the start for trying to set up this type of business. Make sure you fully explore what needs to be done and write a brilliant business plan to get started!

Guns N Roses idea of paradise raises questions

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Guns N Roses idea of paradise raises questions
Slash and Axl Rose of Guns N’ Roses (Photo: Ed Vill under Creative Commons)

The fact that the grass is green and the girls are pretty does not necessarily make somewhere a paradise, it has been claimed.

Rock legends Guns N’ Roses insist Paradise City is so-called because it has verdant vegetation and reasonably attractive ladies wandering about.

But now contentment, land of luxury and fulfilment expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, has shocked music fans by claiming singer Axl Rose and pals have rather underestimated paradise.

“It shows how music has been dumbed down,” she explained. “Rock stars will write anything so long as it rhymes.

“But, really, paradise has nothing to do with green grass.

“Paradisiacal notions are often laden with pastoral imagery, and may be cosmogonical or eschatological or both, often compared to the miseries of human civilisation: in paradise, there is only peace, prosperity, and happiness.

“I hope that clears things up.”

Nobody from Guns N Roses was available to comment to the Suffolk Gazette, although guitarist Slash, famous for his top hat, should know what a Paradise City really is.

He comes from Stoke.

Liverpool FC fans lose more sleep than any other fanbase

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Liverpool FC fans have learned the hard way that with European victory and Premier League competitiveness comes sleeplessness.

Analysis of more than 30,000 tweets and posts about sleeplessness by bed retailer Happy Beds found that football was one of the most popular causes for Brits losing sleep over the last 12 months, with Liverpool being the most common team amongst Britain’s insomniacs.

In a tumultuous season where Liverpool won the Champions League – including missing out on the Premier League title – their fans suffered from nighttime stress and poor sleep more than any other.

A look at the hashtags accompanying tweets about sleeplessness found only #StopBrexit and #Sleep were more common in 2019 than Liverpool’s club motto #YNWA.

Running a close second were Tottenham fans, who were the second-most likely team to be mention in conjunction with tweets about sleeplessness.

The common ground between Liverpool and Tottenham was the Champions League final, which had the most competition-specific mentions in sleepless tweets over the year. 

Joy Richards, Sleep Expert at Happy Beds, said: “At Happy Beds, we believe everyone needs and deserves a good night’s sleep. So, in a bid to help our customers get a better kip, we delved into social data to see what really keeps people up at night.

“Whilst we cannot do much to ease the population’s anxiety over their team’s performance, Happy Beds can provide comfort and support to facilitate sleep.

“Maybe if Liverpool get their 19th league title this year their fans will finally get a good night’s kip.”

To find out more about the ins-and-outs of what kept us awake at night over the last year, check out the Happy Beds social insomnia research directly. It even contains a few tips to help you sleep because, obviously, not watching football isn’t an option!

How men can style sportswear for the office

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How men can style sportswear for the office

In most offices staff are encouraged to wear smart casual clothes, with many men opting for suit jackets and shirts without the tie. However, over recent years the focus has been on being comfortable and able to transition from work to after-work clothes easily.

One great way to combine style with comfort is to start wearing sports clothing to the office. This might seem unacceptable, but over the year activewear has become smarter and more popular with office workers. By wearing your gym clothes to the office, you can save yourself time after work changing before the gym and feel more comfortable during the day, as opposed to having to suffer in stuffy suits and restricting shirts with tight collars then change after work.

Smart casual office wear can be tricky to pull off, and being smart in today’s corporate environment revolves around being fashionable as well as comfortable, so sports clothing is the perfect way to combine the two. Activewear has become a key focus for many brands and consumers, making it one of 2019’s hottest fashion trends. Incorporating it into your work wardrobe can be tricky, so here are some tips on how you can make sportswear a key part of your work wardrobe.  

Choose Big Brands For Quality

It’s always tempting to pick up cheap clothes, particularly if you know you’re only going to be throwing them on to go to the gym and get sweaty in, but for activewear, you’re going to wear to the office make sure you buy quality. This will not only ensure that your clothes last longer, but also help the environment, as you won’t be replacing them so often. Choose a retailer selling clothes from a number of brands so that you can explore all the options before you make your decisions and find the perfect activewear to suit your needs and personal style.

Don’t Wear Bright Colours

Neon bright clothes are prevalent in many activewear collections but they’re too bold for working in an office environment, so instead choose more muted tones. If you’re bored of the usual black, white and grey then choose navy blue, deep red or even dark purple to give you a masculine yet unique look that’ll really stand out from the crowd.

Fitted Clothes Look Smarter

Many gymgoers throw on a baggy t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms so that they feel free and able to move while they workout, but for the office select fitted styles of activewear, such as a fitted t-shirt that will give you a more refined style and keep you looking smart. Trousers should be less restricting but can still be neat with elasticated cuffs and fitted fabrics along the legs to give you a more presentable appearance.

Wear Fashionable Footwear

When you go to the gym it can be tempting to just chuck on any old shoes that are lying around, but for the office make sure you have clean and stylish footwear. Trainers are perfectly respectable for work as long as they look good, so check out the designer collection at SSENSE to find some stylish Fendi kicks that will leave you looking great and feeling comfortable.

Dress Up Your Outfit With Accessories

If you think your sportswear looks too casual for the office then consider using stylish accessories such as a luxury watch to enhance your appearance. By wearing one smart item of clothing you can lift your entire outfit, and using an accessory is an easy way to look presentable and still feel comfortable in your activewear.

Layer Activewear With Office Classics

One easy way to combine sportswear with the office environment is to wear your activewear with a stylish suit jacket so that you can make a distinctive impression. Mixing your formal attire with more casual sportswear will create the perfect smart casual outfit, and you can easily remove any office clothes for when you want to pop to the gym for a quick workout at the end of the day.

Keep Everything Else Casual

Make sure that your entire outfit matches; if you’re wearing casual clothes then keep your hair casual too so that you don’t look out of place. Be well-groomed and tidy without being too neat if you want a casual, relaxed look that will see you through from the office to the gym.

Don’t Take The Sportswear Trend Too Far The most important rule when dressing for the office is to make sure that you look smart and presentable. As this article proves, this can be achieved even whilst wearing activewear, but don’t take it too far or you will end up being the punchline of your colleague’s jokes. Whilst you can look to the wider fashion community for inspiration, make sure that you remember that catwalk fashion isn’t always suitable for the office and tailor what you see to your work environment. Choose more muted colours and clothing with less ostentatious branding for the office, then save the bright, logo covered clothes for after work.

1622 sermon reveals Ipswich teenagers were ‘drunk, vain, gambling smokers’

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1622 sermon reveals Ipswich teenagers were ‘drunk, vain, gambling smokers’

ipswich youth

I’ll just state this right at the top – this is a TRUE story, but one worthy of inclusion on our news pages….

If you think young people drinking too much, smoking, gambling and fretting about how they look is a new thing, then you’d be wrong.

A printed sermon has emerged from 1622, written by Ipswich preacher Samuel Ward, which laments the behaviour of young people in Ipswich.

Accompanied by images of chivalry juxtaposing with playing cards, booze and a pipe (not a crack pipe), and titled WOE TO DRVNKARDS, Ward’s sermon lays bare the unsocial behaviour on display in the area.

Critics of Suffolk’s county town will say nothing has changed nearly 400 years later.

The printed sermon, reproduced at the top of this page, was revealed on Twitter by historian Myko Clelland.

And it obviously struck a chord with Ipswich residents, who can see a lot of similarities to the modern day.

The editor of the Suffolk Gazette, who has himself been known to enjoy a drink and a game of cards (indeed he now provides iGaming content services), insists he no longer smokes and is, indeed, no longer young.

He said: “This superb find is raising a smile. One can imagine local parents pulling their hair out back in 1622 as their offspring ran riot.

“Because the same behaviour is now happening 400 years later, it’s a shame the modern-day clergy does not have the same influence as they did back then!”

Popular Suffolk vicar and friend of the Suffolk Gazette, the Rev Evan Elpuss said some youngsters were an inspiration and did their community proud.

But he added that others were indeed a “social menace”, as described by the insightful preacher, Samuel Ward.

Theresa May to record Abba Christmas single, turns down jungle

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Theresa May to record Abba Christmas single, turns down jungle
Theresa May in the recording studio (Photo:
Kuhlmann Attribution 3.0 Germany)

Former Prime Minister Theresa May is recording a charity cover of ABBA’s Dancing Queen and hopes to make Christmas number one.

Mrs May has turned down ITV’s offer of appearing in this year’s I’m a Celebrity show, having endured enough snakes and rats in Westminster.

Instead, she is recording the single and will add a music video featuring her famous robot dancing.

The song will be released in aid of various charities close to her heart.

Her constituency office spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, declined to confirm the charity single was being made.

But she added teasingly: “Theresa has big plans to raise lots of Money, Money, Money for charity this Christmas.”

A UK spokesperson for Abba, Sophie Young, confirmed: “We have been approached by a senior UK politician for permission to cover Dancing Queen.

“We hope it makes lots of money for good causes.”

Mrs May famously danced in front of the cameras on a foreign trip and her robot moves attracted much attention.

At the next Conservative Party Conference, she walked on stage for her speech accompanied by Dancing Queen, performing some more of her toe-curling moves.

Police catch humping pumpkin man in the act

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Police catch humping pumpkin man in the act

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk man romping with a pumpkin in a field had a bizarre excuse when he was caught by police, a court heard.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found with his trousers down committing a lewd act with the large squash plant, but officers were stunned by his reply when they shouted at him to stop.

Aubrey Smythe, prosecuting at Ipswich Magistrates Court, said: “The officers shone a torch into the field and yelled at Bishop, demanding to know why he was ravishing a pumpkin.

“He stopped, looked up at the police, then looked down at the pumpkin and exclaimed, ‘Crikey, is it midnight already?’

“The officers did not fall for his fairytale story and arrested him for public indecency and for being drunk and disorderly.”

sex with pumpkinHumping pumpkin: Ralph Bishop was caught in the act

Lorraine Fisher, 34, for Bishop, said her client was very sorry for his behaviour, and blamed it on consuming a large quantity of beer at his local pub near Saxmundham on the night of October 12.

Magistrates fined Bishop £100 and ordered him to pay £10 compensation to potato farmer Maurice Piper, who had set aside a field for a pumpkin patch.

Unemployed Bishop, who is divorced, refused to comment to the Suffolk Gazette when he left the court.

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