I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
She went from Barking to Tooting in 40 minutes.
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A man walked into the accident and emergency department with a steering wheel down the front of his trousers.
“Can you help me, please, doctor. This is driving me nuts.”
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My wife asked me to stop singing I’m a Believer by The Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first, I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face…
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In these times of social-distancing, I’ve taken over the attic to grow my new boat-building business.
Sails are going through the roof.
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I woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
My plumber has a strange sense of humour.
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The lack of traffic and man-made pollution is having extraordinary benefits for the environment, as this picture of Lowestoft today shows.
As streets remain empty and an eery calm returns, the Suffolk resort’s beach and seawater are slowly returning to their beautiful natural state.
The amazing transformation comes after reports and photographs showed the canals in Venice were becoming clear and you could see to the bottom.
Locals are amazed at how beautiful Lowestoft really is, compared with how it normally looks, below.
Environmental expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “You might normally expect Lowestoft to have a dull grey sea, concrete monstrosities and overcast skies.
“But a ban on human activity has allowed the town to revert to its natural state, with turquoise blue seas, cobalt blue skies, exquisite sands, tropical palms and more.
“It just goes to show what a mess we normally make of the place.”
Locals are urged not to go out and enjoy the beautiful scenes until the coronavirus lockdown is over.
Town councillor Mark Solomons said: “You’ll just have to trust us that it looks nice.”
Britain’s women have discovered that drinking wine regularly helps them cope with coronavirus self-isolation.
There is, however, clearly some confusion over how “regularly” the wine should be drunk.
Medics say the odd glass a day could be beneficial for physical health, and will certainly help keep the spirits up.
But woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said downing two bottles a day was helping her.
“I read alcohol is a good way to combat Covid-19, so I am doing my bit for Britain.
“I’m getting through some lovely reds and roses. I’ll save the white for tonight.
“It’s a little disappointing that the Government has not acknowledged that wine shops are essential. Their staff should be key workers.”
While trips to the shops are being discouraged, women are increasingly looking to buy wine online from places like Suffolk’s Alchemy Wines.
Ms Fisher added: “I’ve ordered a few boxes which should last me well enough.
“Then I’ll do the same next week.”
The coronavirus has been forced into self-isolation after catching deadly Mike Ashley.
Covid-19 was simply out and about getting essential supplies from a Sports Direct shop when it came into contact with the dangerous multi-millionaire businessman.
It must now spend weeks alone in order to prevent others from catching Mike Ashley as well.
Medics say the businessman is the biggest challenge to this nation since World War Two.
Government Health spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Mike Ashley is a very dangerous condition.
“Symptoms are a flagrant disregard for fellow human beings, particularly your staff, a burning desire to make money and an uncommonly large appetite.”
Despite the UK being put into effective lockdown, Sports Direct initially announced it wanted to keep all of its stores open, claiming it was providing a key service to the British public. It even wrote to Boris Johnson for clarification.
But after a massive outcry, it said it would now close its shops.
