Saturday, June 21, 2025
Home Blog Page 283

Man with annoying leaf blower moves leaves from one side of garden to the other

0

A man with an annoyingly loud leaf blower has successfully moved all the leaves from one side of his garden to the other.

To his neighbours’ utter despair, Steve Walshe spent hours noisily blowing the fallen leaves in his back garden in Woodbridge.

Finally, he stopped, marvelling at the fact that all the leaves were now piled up on the opposite side of his lawn.

Neighbour Lorraine Fisher, 34, complained: “The noise of that thing is relentless. Unbearable.

“And we know full well that this weekend he’ll be back out there, breaching the peace while blowing all the leaves back where they started on the other side again.”

Leaf blower

The Suffolk Gazette’s much-missed Gardening correspondent, Anita Bush, always said leaves should be raked up, composted or squashed into the garden waste wheelie bin.

But Mr Walshe, 33, insists his new leaf blower, which he purchased for £39.99 last week, does the job just as well.

He said: “It is a leaf blower, and as such is blows leaves. Nowhere does it say it picks them up and tidies them away.

“You’d have to pay a fortune for that. Or do it yourself.”

When he is not being ridiculously noisy using his leaf blower, Mr Walshe likes nothing more than steam cleaning his patios and cars.

“It’s a little on the noisy side,” he admitted. “But it’s no louder than a vacuum cleaner. And you don’t hear people complaining about them.”

Daily Mail fury as immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense

0

Daily Mail fury

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Daily Mail is enraged over the news an immigrant is having a baby at British taxpayers’ expense.

Journalists at the right-wing newspaper are busy preparing furious editorials about the cost of cultural diversity.

Daily Mail spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The editor of the Daily Mail was red-faced with anger when he heard about this.

“He’s campaigned for years against people coming over here and using all our services for free.

“Now this woman, who doesn’t have a job and is even a black person, has turned up from the former colonies and announced she is pregnant.

“And we’re going to have to pay for it.

“You can expect 12 pages of fury in the paper tomorrow, together with a 24-page photo supplement and a commemorative plate offer.”

Meanwhile, in other news, it has emerged that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan, are expecting their first royal baby.

The couple, who married in Windsor earlier this year, are thrilled to share their news as they begin a tour of Australia.

Joy as Royal baby pushes Brexit down the news agenda

0

Harry and Meghan baby news

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

Britain rejoiced today over news that the media had something to talk about other than Brexit.

Mass hysteria over a newly-wed couple having their first baby will be a “blessed relief”, it is claimed.

Inane and fawning coverage of an entirely normal event will suddenly become very interesting for six months.

Royal watcher Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s hardly an earth-shattering revelation that a young couple have created a baby.

Royal baby

“But if it means hearing less about Brexit then it’s a got to be a good thing.

“I might even join the fun speculation about whether the Royal baby is going to be a boy or a girl.”

News broke today that the Duchess of Sussex was pregnant as Meghan and Harry arrived in Australia for their Royal tour.

Prime Minister Theresa May was also thrilled with the news.

“Now everyone is talking about a baby rather than me being kicked out of office within weeks,” she said.

Fury as soldiers pose with far-right activist

0

Soldiers meet far right activist

By Doug Trench, Defence Editor

There was widespread fury today after a far-right activist released a video of himself posing with a group of grinning soldiers.

The army is investigating the circumstances behind the meeting at a motorway service station.

The video shows a smug Mr Johnson saying: “A moment like this makes it all worthwhile. Today I met real British heroes.”

But army spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There is no place for this far-right ideology in the British Armed Forces.

“The Armed Forces have robust measures in place to ensure those exhibiting extremist views are neither tolerated nor permitted to serve.”

The news comes just hours after former EDL leader Tommy Robinson was pictured with some soldiers.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said: “The soldiers really liked me, what’s all the fuss about?

“They were even singing, ‘Ooooh, Boris, Boris. Boris, Boris, Boris, Boris Johnson.”

Mr Johnson has been widely condemned for his far-right anti-European views and attempts to lead a brutal revolution in Britain.

He also recently mocked Muslim women.

Norfolk people evolve just one toe

0

Norfolk feet

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Startling new research reveals Norfolk people have evolved from having six toes on each foot to just one.

Photographic evidence smuggled south of the border to Suffolk shows the bizarre secret hidden inside their clogs.

Experts say it’s likely that, over, time, the webbing between Norfolk people’s toes simply fused into one mass.

This then evolved into just one big toe, it has emerged.

Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Norfolk Behavioural Studies professor at Suffolk Institute, said: “This is a rare photograph.

“At first we thought it was a freak of nature, but our enquiries reveal around 45% of the Norfolk population now has just one big toe.”

It is understood the evolution surprise has affected their ability to balance while standing up.

“For many years we had thought they were swaying under the influence of too much turnip hooch,” explained Dr Fisher.

The one-toe phenomenon is believed to have started in isolated west Norfolk but has now spread across the county.

It is believed locals now use garden shears to cut their one gigantic toenail.

S.O.S. was Theresa May’s Tory conference ABBA song of choice

0

Theresa May ABBA

Prime Minister Theresa May had to be talked out of walking on stage at the Conservative conference to ABBA’s hit, S.O.S.

Party managers persuaded her that Dancing Queen was more appropriate because S.O.S. is a distress signal.

[AdSense-A]

This is the real story behind Mrs May dancing maniacally on to the stage before giving her showpiece speech today.

Downing Street spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “The Prime Minister hadn’t twigged that coming on stage for her big speech to S.O.S. was a bad idea.

“We managed to persuade her at the last minute to switch to Dancing Queen.

“We told her she could pretend it was self-mocking about her horrific dancing while in South Africa.

“But can you imagine the field day the press would have had with S.O.S.?

“It’s not like we’re in any distress, is it?”

[AdSense-B]

Other ABBA hits that would have caused issues included Voulez-Vous, seeing as we currently don’t like the French.

Money, Money, Money was also a no-no because no-one has any.

It is currently unknown what the stars of ABBA, the 1970s and 1980s music sensation, made of one of their biggest hits being used as Conservative Party propaganda.

Charles Aznavour obituary Haiku

0

Charles Aznavour obituary

It’s been a busy day for the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer, Richard Standen. No sooner had he penned his tribute to Rainbow children’s TV star Geoffrey Hayes, than French crooner Charles Aznavour died, aged 94.

Here is the tribute to Monsieur Aznavour, the French Frank Sinatra, who sold more than 100 million records in 80 countries.

“Thanks Charles Aznavour
‘She’ the song we’ll not forget,
your chanson d’amour.”

Charles Aznavour
Born: 2 May, 1924 Paris, France
Died: 1 October 2018 Mouriès, France

[AdSense-A]

Geoffrey Hayes obituary Haiku

0

Rainbow star Geoffrey Hayes

With the sad news that Geoffrey Hayes, the human face of children’s television show Rainbow, has died aged 76, the Suffolk Gazette’s resident obituary Haiku writer Richard Standen offers his tribute.

“Zippy, George, Bungle’s
last wave to Geoffrey. Somewhere
over the Rainbow.”

Rainbow, featuring Zippy, Bungle and George, ran for 25 years, covering 1,000 shows.

[AdSense-A]

But perhaps the most famous episode was this one, created for fun by the staff one Christmas, and certainly never meant for public viewing. Apologies for the quality!

Geoffrey Hayes
Born: 13 March, 1942, Stockport, Cheshire
Died: 1 October, 2018