Saturday, October 18, 2025
Home Blog Page 283

Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense

The Editor
-
0
Daily Mail confused after immigrant has baby at taxpayers’ expense
Daily Mail fury

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The hate-filled Daily Mail, which has spread fear and loathing about migrants in the UK, has now become utterly confused after an immigrant had a baby at taxpayers’ expense.

Instead of producing yet another front page about how migration has drained the country’s resources, it decided to print 23 pages of celebration instead.

Media commentator Lorraine Fisher, 34, said it was a mystery why the Daily Mail had become so fawning about this particular case.

“A woman from abroad, who moved to Britain for a better life, had a baby a day or so ago in Windsor. The Mail has completely lost its shit about it but in a good way.

“It seems to think this is the best news ever, which is a little odd.”

Meanwhile, in other news, Prince Harry and his American wife Meghan today showed off their new-born son to the world. There is increasing speculation he will be called Donald.

Meghan wants to name baby Donald after her President

The Editor
-
2
Meghan wants to name baby Donald after her President

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Duchess of Sussex is putting her foot down and demanding her first baby will be named Donald, after her US President.

Meghan is a big fan of Mr Trump and believes calling her first child after him will be a tremendous boost to UK-US relations.

The bouncing baby boy was born yesterday, weighing in at 7lbs 3ozs. He has a lot of wispy fair hair, which is what first gave Meghan the idea to call him Donald.

Meghan Markle
Meghan Markle (Photo: Northern Ireland office CC)

Royal observers have been speculating about the new Royal baby name, but now the odds on it being Donald have tumbled at the bookmakers.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a Royal insider, said: “Prince Donald has a certain ring to it. Mr Trump will be thrilled to bits when he hears the news.”

It is known that the Duchess of Sussex, an American, is a huge fan of Mr Trump and is looking forward to meeting up with him on his official state visit to the UK next month.

“She can’t wait to introduce the President to little Donald. It will be a touching moment, for sure,” said Ms Fisher.

While more traditional names were favoured by Prince Harry, such as Charles, Albert or Barry, he is said to have come around to the idea of naming his first son, who will have dual US nationality, Donald.

Chewbacca star dies, world mourns

The Editor
-
0
Chewbacca star dies, world mourns
Chewbacca

The world was in mourning today after it was announced popular character Chewbacca had died.

The huge brown hairy beast was a mainstay throughout the many editions of Rainbow, which was loved by children across the world from the 1970s.

Tributes were flooding in today from his many close friends, including George and Zippy.

Suffolk television critic Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Chewbacca was a popular character. Everyone loved his brown hairy face.

“The small screen won’t be the same without him.”

Sadly, Chewbacca died just days before May the fourth, so he won’t be using that joke again.

Cocaine-fuelled Suffolk shrimps behind £50m Norfolk beach drug haul

The Editor
-
0
Cocaine-fuelled Suffolk shrimps behind £50m Norfolk beach drug haul

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Reporter

The discovery of drug-addled shrimps in Suffolk’s rivers has finally solved the mystery behind £50 million worth of cocaine washed up on Norfolk beaches in 2017, police have confirmed.

Detectives now believe the cocaine haul was destined for the crack dens of the rivers Orwell, Alde and Lark where it would have been cut and distributed to junkie shrimps and lobsters throughout Britain’s waterways network.

University boffins discovered this week that shrimp caught in 15 locations across Suffolk tested positive for cocaine.

Undercover drug cops now believe a mysterious Codfather-like figure, known as Lobster the Mobster, is masterminding the shipments and distribution of drugs. “He’s the big fish we’re after,” said one.

Lobster the Mobster

“Drug use amongst Suffolk’s shrimps is reaching epidemic proportions,” a police spokesman said.

“Taking cocaine is not clever, it’s shellfish behaviour. We urgently want to speak with Lobster the Mobster and his henchmen, Ronnie and Reggie Krayfish” he added.

He explained the £50 million haul, which was washed up in Norfolk in 2017, was meant to be brought up the River Orwell towards a shrimp den near Ipswich.

Drugs on Norfolk beach
Drugs washed up on Norfolk beach in 2017

“But we believe the inflatable boat bringing it in was punctured by Lobster the Mobster’s claw and sank, leaving the tide to take the bails of coke to Norfolk, where some locals tried to pinch it.”

The public is urged to watch out for spaced-out shellfish in Suffolk and to check their prawn sandwiches do not contain a mysterious white powder.

“Prawn barons are not welcome in Suffolk,” anti-drugs campaigner Lorraine Fisher, 34, said.

Queen sends Prince Philip to pick up Donald Trump from the airport

The Editor
-
21
Queen sends Prince Philip to pick up Donald Trump from the airport

By Jane Seymour, Royal Editor

The Queen will welcome Donald Trump to Britain by sending Prince Philip to pick him up from the airport.

Mr Trump will make his first official state visit to the UK in June, staying with Her Majesty, having talks at Downing Street and taking part in D-Day commemorations (so long as it’s not raining).

It has been revealed that the Queen has a cunning plan to keep Mr Trump occupied – sending her husband out in his Range Rover to pick the President up from Stansted Airport.

Prince Philip Donald Trump

A Royal insider said: “Her Majesty was furious when Philip overturned his car near Sandringham after colliding with a common person in a Kia earlier this year.

“She ordered Philip, 96, to stay off the road, much to his disgust. But news that Mr Trump is arriving has given her a change of heart.

“Now she wants Philip to drive round and pick him up.

“She’s claiming this will make Mr Trump feel welcome, but the Royal household can’t help wondering that she has an ulterior motive.”

Royal watchers will be keen to see how Her Majesty and Mr Trump get along after some curious body language when he dropped by last summer on an official (but not a state) visit.

It emerged that when Prince Philip met the Trumps, he gaffed by saying welcome to Donald Trump and Stormy.

** Hat tip to Have I Got News For You Facebook page – turns out they made this gag earlier today!

Comedian Frankie Boyle to run for Prime Minister

The Editor
-
0
Comedian Frankie Boyle to run for Prime Minister
Yes, Prime Minister (photo: BBC)

After comedian Volodymyr Zelensky won the Ukraine Presidential election, Frankie Boyle is now expected to run for Prime Minister of Great Britain, it has emerged.

Mr Boyle, a 46-year-old Scottish man, is expected to win widespread support from an electorate used to voting comedians into Downing Street.

A friend of Mr Boyle said: “He is preparing his manifesto right now. It mainly involves calling English people posh c*nts and taking the p*ss out of everybody else.

“But after really quite laughable leadership from the present and previous Governments, all of whom have been taking the p*ss for years, Frankie will be welcomed by the nation with open arms.”

Frankie Boyle

It is thought that once Mr Boyle wins the election, he will insist on meeting the Queen in Scotland to officially form his Government, rather than at Buckingham Palace.

“Our election campaign slogan will be Frankie Goes to Holyrood,” the friend said.

Meanwhile, in the Ukraine, the world is hoping comedian Zelensky has a serious solution for dealing with important affairs of state, not least what to do with Russia.

Climate protesters call off Heathrow demo so Emma Thompson can fly back to LA

The Editor
-
2
Climate protesters call off Heathrow demo so Emma Thompson can fly back to LA

Extinction Rebellion protesters called off their blockade of Heathrow Airport in case celebrity agitator Emma Thompson wanted to return to the US.

The actress was so concerned about the impact of flying on the climate that she flew 5,400 miles from Los Angeles just to make her point.

[AdSense-A]

Once she had got herself on the news, she was free to hop back on a huge aircraft to fly half-way around the world again, generating 1.67 tonnes of CO2 in the process.

It’s thought the protesters, who have brought central London to a standstill, decided against trying to ground aircraft from Heathrow when it emerged Thompson might want to take her umpteenth flight of the year.

Crusty-haired, middle-class, jobless climate change protester Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We are dead against people flying – it damages the environment and we are all going to die.

“It was lovely of Emma Thompson to fly in from LA to join us.”

[AdSense-B]

Meanwhile, police say they have nothing better to do rather than standing around watching people breaking the law and blocking bridges, Oxford Street and Parliament Square.

One officer insisted: “We have arrested around 400 of them, but the journeys in gas-guzzling police vans to and from the nick are probably defeating the object.”

[AdSense-C]

Families enjoy Easter break camping on roads to Suffolk coast

The Editor
-
0
Families enjoy Easter break camping on roads to Suffolk coast
Bank holiday traffic

Families are enjoying the gorgeous Bank Holiday weather by camping out on roads to the Suffolk coast for a second day, it has emerged.

All routes to popular spots are packed, allowing stressed parents and crying children the chance to sit back and enjoy the wonderful countryside views.

[AdSense-A]

Police confirmed the only people to make it to Aldeburgh and Southwold were London second-home owners who could afford to take the whole week off work and get there early.

Normal families were left to fight it out on the A12 and other routes to the seaside.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, from East London, said: “I told my idiot of a husband to go the back way through Eyke and Snape but, oh no, he knew better and said the main road would be fine.

“Sure enough, we’ve been stuck here since 7pm last night and we haven’t talked since.”

[AdSense-B]

The traffic had ground to a standstill even though annoying caravans were banned from Suffolk’s roads last year.

[AdSense-C]

1...282283284...399Page 283 of 399

Just In

Sport

Business

Features

Contact us