Home Blog Page 278

Newmarket racing over the next three weekends

0
Newmarket races
Newmarket races (Photo: John5199 under CC By 2.0)

Whilst racegoers are still unable to attend race meetings in the UK the Sport of Kings still goes on behind closed doors and local course Newmarket will be in the thick of the action over the coming weeks. 

This weekend the racing gets underway at midday on Friday 24th July and features a very competitive eight-race card whilst Saturday starts 30 minutes later but has an amazing nine races! 

The King George VI and Queen Elizabeth Qipco Stakes at Ascot is the big race this coming weekend, expect Enable trained locally by John Gosden to be favourite for that. York also has top racing on Saturday meaning that Newmarket does not make it onto the ITV racing show and can only be viewed by watching RacingTV or by watching one of the many bookmaker racing live streams

The official going is still good to firm for Newmarket as it should be in July and not a lot of rain forecast going forward. 

Racing will also be staged behind closed doors at Newmarket on Saturday 1st and Saturday 8th August with local residents asked not to use the local heath for their own exercise whenever racing is taking place because of the obvious dangers. 

Of course, up to two owners per racehorse are currently allowed to attend race meetings where they have a runner under current guidelines introduced by the British Horseracing Authority (BHA) earlier this month. Prime Minister Boris Johnson did hold out hope for racegoers in general earlier this week when he suggested that by October it might be possible to begin allowing crowds to attend large events again. 

Glorious Goodwood next week will act as a Test Event and allow some paying racegoers with other Test Events also planned for cricket and snooker. 

Setting out the next stage of the Government’s coronavirus recovery plan Johnson stated: “From October we intend to bring back audiences in stadia and allow conferences and other business events to recommence, again these changes must be done in a COVID-secure way subject to the successful outcome of pilots.”

Racing fans will be hoping that the big Autumn events at Newmarket including the Cambridgeshire and Cesarewitch may yet take place in front of packed stands on the Rowley Mile.   

Facebook now offers to translate Suffolk dialect

0
Suffolk dialect is now translated by Facebook
The Suffolk dialect is now translated by Facebook

Facebook has added the Suffolk dialect to its translation services to help browsers understand what we are saying.

The Suffolk Gazette can reveal the social media giant now recognises Suffolk as an official language.

Whenever you now come across ramblings from a yokel, you can ask Facebook to translate it.

Our investigation was launched after keen Suffolk Gazette Facebook followers noticed the new translation option under messages scrawled by country bumpkins.

Study the screen shot above, and you’ll see the message: “Leaf im aloane, es oroight” has a helpful ‘See translation’ option.

Facebook languages manager Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “We are trying to be as inclusive as possible, so thought it about time the rest of the country could understand what on earth Suffolk people were blathering on about.”

Suffolk is now given the same respect as language behemoths like Spanish, Chinese and Australian.

Buy this Suffolk dialect mug

You can learn Suffolk for yourself with this brilliant mug from our partner, DirtyOldGoat.com

Prince Andrew thinking about calling Manchester City lawyers

0
Prince Andrew promotion
Legal debriefing (Photo Thorne1983 Creative Commons)

Prince Andrew is trying to find the phone number for Manchester City’s legal team.

The lawyers managed to get the club readmitted to the Champions League, overturning a two-year ban on European football.

The Duke of York was impressed with the decision and wants to speak with the legal team, just in case he needs any legal help any time soon.

Royal insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Prince Andrew was surprised with how Manchester City was able to overturn the European ban for allegedly breaching financial fair play regulations.

“He thinks the club must have had a smart legal team.

“Just in case he finds himself in a spot of bother, which is obviously very unlikely, he thinks it wise to have some good legal advice.”

The Court of Arbitration for Sport ruled in Manchester City’s favour this week. As well as lifting the ban, the club’s fine was dropped from 30 million to 10 million euros. City had always denied any wrongdoing.

In other news, Jeffrey Epstein’s pal Ghislaine Maxwell has been remanded in a hell-hole US prison for a year before her expected trial date.

Topical mugs with free handles

Buy a topical mug from our partner, Dirty Old Goat. Nice mugs for you or as a gift:

Five best casino scenes in James Bond movies

0
James Bond Aston Martin car
James Bond enjoys casinos as much as his beloved car

007 is synonymous with things like cool gadgets, a shaken-not-stirred Martini, and a rather snazzy Aston Martin. And he is also widely associated with high-end casinos.

So, as the world awaits the new No Time to Die film, here is a look back at the five best casino scenes in James Bond movies.

Playing Chemin de Fer in Dr No

Casinos became synonymous with James Bond right from his very first outing on the big screen. The 1962 film Dr No features a scene in which Sean Connery’s Bond visits an old-fashioned, classic casino.

The women are glamorous, the men are in tuxedos, and the whole place oozes class. Set in the fictional London casino Le Cercle, the indomitable secret agent plays Chemin de Fer, an older version of baccarat, while Sylvia Trench watches him.

It is not long before the two meet, and when Trench asks 007 for his name, he gets to say that classic line for the first time: “Bond. James Bond.” As for the card game itself, as you would expect, Bond wins.

Playing Backgammon in Octopussy

Roger Moore’s sixth outing as James Bond sees him following a general who is stealing riches from the Soviet government. That leads Bond to find a wealthy prince called Kamal Khan, and his beautiful assistant Octopussy.

Yes, back in 1983, Bond girls still had innuendo names. It is up to Bond to prevent a plot to force disarmament in Western Europe. While in India, he plays the evil Kamal Khan in a game of backgammon at a casino.

The edge-of-your-seat scene ends with Bond winning a bet of 500,000 rupees, much to Khan’s annoyance. Well, what did he expect? He was up against the world’s number one secret agent!

If you want to have fun playing casino games, you do not have to travel to exotic locations. Instead of visiting brick-and-mortar casinos, you can feel like you are James Bond by playing online live casino games. With real dealers in real-time, you can choose from games like baccarat, blackjack, and roulette. But unlike Bond, you will not need to wear a tuxedo.

Playing Chemin de Fer in Thunderball

The old-style baccarat game Chemin de Fer makes another appearance in a Connery Bond film. This time, 007 battles in a high-tension, high-stakes game with the villainous eye-patched Emilio Largo.

The suspense of Bond and Largo acting as if they do not know each other and trying to get the better of one another in the scene from 1965’s Thunderball is simply incredible. Does 007 win the game? What do you think? Of course, he does!

Playing Craps in Diamonds Are Forever

Released in 1971, Diamonds Are Forever marked Connery’s last appearance as 007, and it is undoubtedly one of his best. The casino scene is one of the most memorable of all the Bond movies. It takes place at the fictional Whyte House casino in the gambling capital of the world, Las Vegas.

007 plays craps while he flirts with the old-school-named Plenty O’Toole. Bond shocks the dealer when he raises a bet to $10,000 in a key moment. Of course, Bond wins. In fact, he wins $65,000. Bond then gives Plenty O’Toole $5,000 of his winnings. But he could be expecting Plenty in return.

Playing Poker in Casino Royale

When the James Bond franchise was rebooted in 2006 with Daniel Craig as 007 in Casino Royale, the spy thriller series entered its best era since the golden days of Sean Connery and Roger Moore.

The film is notable for being one of the most faithful adaptations of Ian Fleming’s Bond novels. It is also well-known for having the longest card game scenes of any James Bond movie.

The British secret agent participates in a high-stakes Texas Hold’Em poker game at the luxurious Casino Royale, as he attempts to beat the evil Le Chiffre, who is a good old-fashioned Bond villain.

In between trying his best to win the game, Bond gets beaten up by some henchmen, and he’s also almost killed after Le Chiffre poisons him. After using a handy gadget in his car to become resuscitated, 007 ignores his near-death-experience and calmly walks back into the game. Of course, Le Chiffre looks surprised, to say the least.

Boris Johnson loses his horse

0
Boris Johnson closedthe stable door after the horse bolted
Have you seen Boris Johnson’s horse?

Ex Prime Minister Boris Johnson has lost his horse because he closed the stable door after it bolted.

He is now wondering why he has no horse when everyone else has theirs.

The news comes on the same day the Government announced face masks would be compulsory in shops from July 24.

Downing Street equine expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, explained: “Mr Johnson realised he had left the stable door open.

“He decided to close it, but it seems his horse had already legged it.

“We have gently tried to tell him that perhaps it might have been better to close the stable door before anything bad happened.”

If you have seen the white horse, which goes by the name of Wiff Waff, please alert the nearest policeman.

Suffolk Gazette to bid for regional newspaper group Archant

0
EADT publisher Archant is a Suffolk Gazette takeover target

The Suffolk Gazette is preparing to launch a bid to buy Archant, the struggling owner of magazines and newspapers including the East Anglian Daily Times.

Archant put itself up for sale last week as the newspaper industry faces a financial crisis, with falling circulations and advertising revenue.

However, the Suffolk Gazette newspaper is thriving because it publishes stuff people actually want to read.

It is also famous for its accurate reporting on many issues, including goings on in Norfolk.

Lorraine Fisher, 34, a source close to the Suffolk Gazette editor, confirmed: “We’re going through the figures now, but we think we are close to meeting Archant’s six-figure valuation.

“That’s £1,025.99.”

However, Ms Fisher added that Archant’s worrying pension deficit would mean the Suffolk Gazette would have to flog a few more funny mugs from its partner DirtyOldGoat.com.

“Either that or we close down the Norwich Evening News to save costs – no-one can read there anyway.”

The Suffolk Gazette is expected to fight off competition from newspaper mogul David Montgomery and several private investment companies to secure Archant.

Support the takeover bid, buy a mug

Buy one of our mugs and help support the Suffolk Gazette’s takeover of Archant. They are jolly good.

Chris Grayling sends Russia Report to Vistaprint

0
Chris Grayling

Bungling Chris Grayling has sent the highly-sensitive Russia Report off to Vistaprint for printing.

He also took advantage of a special offer to get a Russia Report mouse mat and some Russia Report-branded ballpoint pens.

Just hours after being nominated as head of the UK Intelligence Committee, the man who paid £13.8 million to a ferry company without any ferries has raised eyebrows again.

Tasked with overseeing the release of the top-secret Russia Report into alleged Kremlin interference in UK politics, he has sent it to Vistaprint for printing.

The top secret Russia Report
The top secret Russia Report

Downing Street insider Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “There is no suggestion that Vistaprint does not guard the privacy of clients’ material.

“But perhaps an online printing services company is not the best place for a highly-controversial report into international political maneuvering.”

Some mugs for your delectation

Buy a mug from our partner Dirty Old Goat for your kitchen cupboard or as a gift

Everyone looking forward to half-price meals at Wetherspoons

0
Not a Wetherspoon burger

The nation was licking its lips today after chancellor Rishi Sunak promised 50% off meals eaten out from Monday to Wednesday.

Going by a fabulous Wetherspoon menu, diners can now tuck into a tasty brie & smoky chilli jam burger with all the trimmings, plus a non-alcoholic drink, for the princely sum of £3.90.

“I can’t wait to cram into my local Wetherspoon and order a half-price meal and a portion of coronavirus,” said excited local woman Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“It is also excellent news that well-known Tory supporter, Wetherspoon boss Tim Martin is expected to profit from this scheme.”

Meanwhile, Prince Andrew is looking forward to taking up the offer of a discount at Pizza Express in Woking.

The Chancellor’s 50% voucher offer, up to £10 per head, was part of a package of measures announced to ease the financial impact of COVID-19.

Buy one of these terrific mugs

They are rather good, and make jolly good gifts. So stop worrying what to buy, get one of these…