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1622 sermon reveals Ipswich teenagers were ‘drunk, vain, gambling smokers’

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ipswich youth

I’ll just state this right at the top – this is a TRUE story, but one worthy of inclusion on our news pages….

If you think young people drinking too much, smoking, gambling and fretting about how they look is a new thing, then you’d be wrong.

A printed sermon has emerged from 1622, written by Ipswich preacher Samuel Ward, which laments the behaviour of young people in Ipswich.

Accompanied by images of chivalry juxtaposing with playing cards, booze and a pipe (not a crack pipe), and titled WOE TO DRVNKARDS, Ward’s sermon lays bare the unsocial behaviour on display in the area.

Critics of Suffolk’s county town will say nothing has changed nearly 400 years later.

The printed sermon, reproduced at the top of this page, was revealed on Twitter by historian Myko Clelland.

And it obviously struck a chord with Ipswich residents, who can see a lot of similarities to the modern day.

The editor of the Suffolk Gazette, who has himself been known to enjoy a drink and a game of cards (indeed he now provides iGaming content services), insists he no longer smokes and is, indeed, no longer young.

He said: “This superb find is raising a smile. One can imagine local parents pulling their hair out back in 1622 as their offspring ran riot.

“Because the same behaviour is now happening 400 years later, it’s a shame the modern-day clergy does not have the same influence as they did back then!”

Popular Suffolk vicar and friend of the Suffolk Gazette, the Rev Evan Elpuss said some youngsters were an inspiration and did their community proud.

But he added that others were indeed a “social menace”, as described by the insightful preacher, Samuel Ward.

Theresa May to record Abba Christmas single, turns down jungle

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Theresa May in the recording studio (Photo:
Kuhlmann Attribution 3.0 Germany)

Former Prime Minister Theresa May is recording a charity cover of ABBA’s Dancing Queen and hopes to make Christmas number one.

Mrs May has turned down ITV’s offer of appearing in this year’s I’m a Celebrity show, having endured enough snakes and rats in Westminster.

Instead, she is recording the single and will add a music video featuring her famous robot dancing.

The song will be released in aid of various charities close to her heart.

Her constituency office spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, declined to confirm the charity single was being made.

But she added teasingly: “Theresa has big plans to raise lots of Money, Money, Money for charity this Christmas.”

A UK spokesperson for Abba, Sophie Young, confirmed: “We have been approached by a senior UK politician for permission to cover Dancing Queen.

“We hope it makes lots of money for good causes.”

Mrs May famously danced in front of the cameras on a foreign trip and her robot moves attracted much attention.

At the next Conservative Party Conference, she walked on stage for her speech accompanied by Dancing Queen, performing some more of her toe-curling moves.

Police catch humping pumpkin man in the act

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By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

A Suffolk man romping with a pumpkin in a field had a bizarre excuse when he was caught by police, a court heard.

Ralph Bishop, 53, was found with his trousers down committing a lewd act with the large squash plant, but officers were stunned by his reply when they shouted at him to stop.

Aubrey Smythe, prosecuting at Ipswich Magistrates Court, said: “The officers shone a torch into the field and yelled at Bishop, demanding to know why he was ravishing a pumpkin.

“He stopped, looked up at the police, then looked down at the pumpkin and exclaimed, ‘Crikey, is it midnight already?’

“The officers did not fall for his fairytale story and arrested him for public indecency and for being drunk and disorderly.”

sex with pumpkinHumping pumpkin: Ralph Bishop was caught in the act

Lorraine Fisher, 34, for Bishop, said her client was very sorry for his behaviour, and blamed it on consuming a large quantity of beer at his local pub near Saxmundham on the night of October 12.

Magistrates fined Bishop £100 and ordered him to pay £10 compensation to potato farmer Maurice Piper, who had set aside a field for a pumpkin patch.

Unemployed Bishop, who is divorced, refused to comment to the Suffolk Gazette when he left the court.

What are the best payout casinos in 2019?

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The best part about playing at casinos is the money withdrawals. Seeing the greens makes everything worth it. It’s only reasonable to play the games which will provide you with the maximum benefit. For this reason, we have compiled a list of the top best payout casinos of 2019 so that you can give yourself a treat and enjoy the rewards.

1. Casumo

According to the instant withdrawal casino list at NewCasinoWay, Casumo takes first place for being the best payout casino of 2019. It offers bonuses up to £300 and on top of that 30 no deposit wager free spins. Casumo provides high-quality services to European players. It started in 2012 and it uses soft wares from 10 different providers. It offers a range of games to its players but the most important thing you’ll find is the bonuses and rewards, there’s an excellent welcome bonus available as well.

The minimum deposit you need to make is of £5. Casumo is registered the UK Gambling Commission and Malta LGA. It offers a wide variety of deposit methods which are MasterCard, Neteller, Paysafe Card and Bank Wire Transfer. Similarly, the withdrawal methods are Mastercard, Skrill, Neteller, Bank Wire Transfer, Paysafe Card and POLi.

However, Casumo is not operational in the following countries: France, Israel, Estonia, Hungary, Iran, North Korea, Portugal, Turkey, Iraq, Spain, Myanmar, Afghanistan, Belgium, Denmark, Italy, Philippines.

2. Genesis Casino

Genesis Casino is a relatively new casino which was established in 2018. Given the year it was started, it really goes to show how successful this casino is which means it must be doing many things right to be on top of the list. Genesis Casino is licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, MGA and Curacao so it’s safe and secure to play this game. Other than that, the minimum deposit it allows is £10. The customer services provided is excellent and there’s a live chat available to support you along with phone and email. The website is quite fun and attractive; there are a lot of good promotions, plenty of games and a live casino.

The game selection includes video slots, blackjack, live casino, slots, roulette and poker. The live casino has poker, blackjack and roulette. Genesis Casino has more options for depositing money and withdrawing it than Casumo. The deposit methods are Visa Electron, Entropay, Trustly, Visa, MasterCard, Skrill Moneybookers, Maestro, Neteller, Ecopayz, Boku (Pay By Mobile), PayPal and Paysafecard. The withdrawal methods are Visa Electron, Trustly, Ecopayz, Skrill Moneybookers, MasterCard, Neteller, PayPal, Entropay and Visa.

3. Hyper Casino

Hyper Casino is most recent out of all the casinos. It was established in 2019 and it focuses on hyping up the gaming experience for its players. Hyper Casino gives up to £300 bonuses but doesn’t give any free bonus spins. The game is licensed by Malta, Sweden and UK. The deposit methods are Bank Transfer, EcoPayz, GiroPay, InstaDebit, Klarna, MasterCard, Neteller, PayPal, Paysafecard, PugglePay, Skrill, Sofort, Trustly, Visa and Zimpler. While the withdrawal methods are: Bank Transfer, EcoPayz, GiroPay, MasterCard, Neteller, Paysafecard, Skrill, Trustly, Visa and Zimpler.

Hyper Casino has a huge variety of games which total to 700. They have a live casino, live blackjack, live roulette, and live three card pokers. One of the key points of this game is that it accepts currencies from all over the globe, more than the other two games mentioned. This provides a lot of ease to the players. The currencies are CAD – Canadian Dollar, CHF – Swiss Franc, EUR – Euro, GBP – Pound Sterling, INR – Indian Rupee, NOK – Norwegian Krone, NZD – New Zealand Dollar, SEK – Swedish Krona, ZAR – South African Rand.

Only 167 Brexit votes until Christmas

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There are now only 167 Brexit votes left until Christmas, excited children have found.

The magical day is tantalisingly close and youngsters everywhere are beside themselves.

Mum Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “My two have been chalking off the Brexit votes since then end of March.

“After the two latest votes last night, they decided to count up the remaining votes and realised there were only 167.

“They began running around the house screaming with joy.”

Ms Fisher, from Ipswich, said her children couldn’t wait to wake up on December 25th and forget about Brexit for one day.

“They have become a little impatient with the whole thing,” she explained.

Hat tip to MP Dr Rosena Allin-Khan for this joke!

Prehistoric tribe discovered alive and well in Norfolk

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Norfolk tribe

Backwater: A tribal home found deep in the Norfolk countryside

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Reporter

A prehistoric, mud-hut-dwelling tribe has been found living peacefully in the wilds of Norfolk.

Named Homo Canariensis by excited university boffins, the large family group was discovered close to Thetford, where it has lived for 5,000 years since the Neolithic Age.

It is not believed the Norfolk species has the intelligence or skill to work the nearby flint mine, but the simple tribe is now known to have occupied mud homes built into the soil for many years. They feed on bats and decomposing leaves.

Experts say that as waves of invading immigrants swept through Britain, including the Celts, Romans, Saxons and Normans, few of the Ancient Britons survived – but in backwaters like Norfolk, life has continued virtually unchanged for millennia.

In fact, recent DNA fingerprinting raised suspicions the tribe had never died out at all, with indicators showing it was still present within the genome of isolated populations all over Norfolk. Only now has the tribe been seen for the first time. The Suffolk Gazette has been asked to keep the exact location a secret.

Possessing long arms and additional digits to each limb, the Homo Canariensis hands and feet are webbed, conferring an advantage when wading through the boggy fenlands. The unusually small cranial cavity means that this poor, unfortunate creature has a very small brain and so is unable to develop basic commercial and social skills or even simple physical skills like football.

Professor Lorraine Fisher, 34, head of history at the University of Suffolk, was delighted with the discovery. She said: “If prehistoric man can survive virtually unchanged in Norfolk it may be possible that wolves and bears are still at large in Thetford Forest. Perhaps the auroch cattle and giant elk may also have survived as well.

“Vast tracts of uncharted land remains north of Diss, so there is no telling who or what else may be discovered as we continue our work.”

How and why you should launch your startup in Suffolk

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Launching a new business is a serious undertaking, no matter how much prior experience you have. If you are preparing to launch your first startup, you will inevitably have to do a lot of learning on your feet. However, the more you can prepare yourself beforehand, the easier you will find it to pick things up as you go.

In fact, the choices that you make during the earliest stages of your business will significantly impact how smoothly your first year of operations proceeds. Good planning will go a long way to making sure that you are able to launch without a hitch and give you the best chance of surviving those treacherous first few months when your business is at its most vulnerable.

One of the most important decisions you will have to make as you prepare to launch your business is where you will base your business. Whether your business is going to operate out of a brick and mortar premises or you are planning on delivering your services remotely, choosing the right base of operations is an important decision. When choosing a home for your business, you need to think about more than just the practical considerations.

Lots of entrepreneurs will found their businesses in the area where they live, or in an area that they have a connection with. While these can both be advantages in their own right, you should also consider what’s on offer in terms of support and funding. By this measure, Suffolk is one of the best places in the UK to start a business.

Why You Should Choose Suffolk

One of the biggest challenges any new business in the UK faces is finding support. A decade of austerity has led to a significant reduction in the availability of grants and other sources of support and funding that were once prevalent throughout the country. Now that these are gone, businesses are left to fend for themselves. While some feel the central government has let entrepreneurs down, local authorities have picked up the slack, in some areas at least.

Suffolk is one of the best places in the UK to launch a startup, not just because of the variety of support options that are available, but also because of its proximity to London. Travel between Suffolk and London is relatively cheap and only two and a half hours away by train. Suffolk is also a relatively affluent area with a wealthy local client base, but there are plenty of affordable accommodation options.

As well as its desirable location, startups in Suffolk can also benefit from a number of local initiatives that exist to support fledgeling businesses. For example, there is the East of England Energy Zone. The East of England is the perfect place for wind offshore wind farms, as well as gas and nuclear energy facilities. Businesses looking to enter into the energy sector can qualify for rates relief and other benefits, including free support and advice and funding of up to £500,000.

Another reason that Suffolk is an exciting place for entrepreneurs to invest in and launch their startups is its shifting demographics. Around a third of the businesses launched in Suffolk over the last two years have been targeting over-50s. This is reflective of a broader national trend, but where Suffolk differs from the rest of the country is that there are a growing number of young entrepreneurs looking to start businesses immediately after finishing school, college, or university.

Many of the younger entrepreneurs who have made Suffolk their home are starting what we would call “non-traditional” businesses. These include businesses that are focused on delivering online services and creative businesses like textile printing, music, and other media-based industries. The one thing that all these Suffolk startups have in common is access to the unique support infrastructure that exists in the county.

Defining Your Business’s Purpose

Hopefully, if you are planning on launching a business of your own, you will already have a good idea of what your business will be doing. Whether you are planning on opening a retail store, a marketing agency, or any other type of business, you need to define what sets your business apart from your competitors. To do this, you will need to clearly set out your goals and establish exactly what the purpose of your business is.

Every business should have a business plan. A business plan is a document that sets out what you want to achieve and how you will go about achieving it. By keeping your business plan updated to reflect your progress, it can also serve as a roadmap. However, while your business plan is an excellent way of defining and measuring your business goals, it is important to also have personal aspirations.

You should be aiming to get more out of your business than just money. Launching and running your own business is a difficult undertaking – if you aren’t getting anything out of it on a personal level, then you are going to find it a very difficult slog. Think about what you want to get out of this as a person and how you can go about achieving it.

Getting Your Admin in Order

Different businesses will have different admin requirements. Some business types require an inordinate amount of paperwork just to get the doors open, whereas others won’t have to fill out a single form. You may also need to consider how you will provide new workers with the training that they need. For example, consider whether IPAF courses will be beneficial to your business – if your startup is going to be operating out of a warehouse or in another environment that requires the use of powered access platforms, then you should consider IPAF courses for new workers.

The last thing you want is to launch your business, only to discover that you have overlooked a piece of important paperwork and now have to put your plans on hold. Do your research beforehand and make sure that you have identified every piece of documentation that you will need to open your doors legally.

Local Marketing

When you first begin trading as your new startup, it makes sense to target your local market first and foremost. Local marketing is a very different beast to your general marketing and needs to be approached in a particular way.

Social media marketing is ideal for boosting your local profile because you can micro-target your campaigns so that your marketing content is being shown mostly or only to people for who it is relevant. There’s no sense in advertising your local business to people on the other side of the country.

The way that you launch a new business will have a significant bearing on the trajectory that it ends up on. The more time you take beforehand to prepare yourself, and the more care you take with every major decision, the better the chances of your business surviving through that first year of vulnerability. Suffolk is a wonderful location to choose as your business’s home. If you are planning on launching your business here, make sure you check out what kind of support is available from the local authority.

World will end if it messes with Canning Town again

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XR protestor kicks an East Ender trying to drag him off a commuter train

The human race will become extinct and the world will implode in a fireball if anyone ever messes with Canning Town again, it has emerged.

Extinction Rebellion protestors realised today there is something far more life-threatening than climate change – the working classes from the East End.

As self-entitled middle-class XR dissenters climbed on the roof of Underground trains at Canning Town, they were soon dragged off and roughed up by the baying locals.

East End historian Lorriane Fisher, 34, said: “Everyone knows you don’t mess with East Enders.

“Quite why Extinction Rebellion thought it was a good idea to hold up commuter trains there when locals were trying to get to work is beyond me.

“People in Canning Town are honest, working-class people who just want to earn a living for their family. Stand in their way and you’re asking for trouble.

“This is what happens when XR protests meet real life.”

https://twitter.com/The_Real_Keyser/status/1184746851263754240

East Ender Terry Cheesewright, 45, said: “If a geezer climbs on my train, I’ll make him extinct.”

The East End of London is a famously tough place, and observers all agree targeting the area for climate change protests is probably not a good idea.