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My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum

The Editor
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My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum
Inquisitive Dorothy (Photo: @St_louis31)

Suffolk mum Lorraine Fisher says she’s had enough of her “nosy cow” of a neighbour.

Ms Fisher, 34, a mother-of-two, complained: “I can’t do anything around the house without Dorothy finding out about it.

“I can be cleaning the bathroom, making dinner or watching TV – and there she is, taking a sneak peek through the windows.

“She is a nosy cow, that’s for sure. I have to keep my windows shut now or it would be Friesian in here.

“I tried complaining to the council about her behaviour but they’re having none of it.”

Council spokesman Steve Walshe said: “I’m afraid Ms Fisher is well-known to us. We’ve got a cattlelog of her complaints from her.

“As for her neighbour Dorothy, she’s milking it.”

The picture of the nosy cow was first published by Twitter user @St-louis31

First appearance of the nosy cow of a neighbour

If you have any udderly ridiculous cow jokes, add them in the comments.

Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich

The Editor
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Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich
Bottom’s up: Norwich prop up the table

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norwich City’s Premier League relegation campaign got off to a flying start last night with a crushing 4-1 defeat at unfancied Liverpool.

With just one game gone, Norwich are already proudly propping up the bottom of the Premier League table.

The crowing Canaries looked likely to be thrashed by at least nine goals but the Reds took their foot off the gas in the second half.

Norwich just need to hold on for another 37 games to ensure they return to the Championship, where Ipswich Town will be waiting following promotion from League One.

Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Only this week, Norwich City crowed about their new sponsorship deal with Toilet Plus.

“Well, now it looks like their Premier League campaign has gone down the pan already.”

Frank Lampard’s Derby County renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County

The Editor
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Frank Lampard’s Derby County renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County
A (much) younger Wayne Rooney in action for Manchester United

In a move that has shocked the football world, Frank Lampard’s Derby County is being renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County.

The sensational switch follows claims that the former 33-year-old England skipper is leaving the United States, where he plays for DC United, to take up a player-coach role at Derby.

As well as the club name change, the club shop at Pride Park Stadium is also getting in plenty of XXXL-sized shirts.

Frank Lampard left the managerial hot seat to take over at Chelsea, leaving the club bereft of any identity whatsoever. Clearly not any old boss could take over, it needed someone who could be included in the club name.

The Derby manager is Phillip Cocu, appointed last month, but no-one will care about him.

Football club name expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wayne Rooney’s Derby County has a great ring to it.

“This is what every single cliche-ridden journalist will be writing and saying for the next ten months before Wayne gets sacked next May.”

Drinking beer makes men more intelligent

The Editor
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Drinking beer makes men more intelligent

pints-of-beer

By Phil Ward, Health Reporter

Scientists have discovered that drinking beer makes men more intelligent.

Boffins at Suffolk’s prestigious College of Medicine found men who drink at least five pints of ale a day were far better equipped to hold high-level discussions about important issues of the day.

And blokes on the beer were also more adept at completing brain tasks like finishing cryptic crosswords and solving complicated mathematical equations.

The surprising findings will be music to the ears of boozers across Britain, who have been insisting beer is good for them since the drink was first invented in 1937.

But the scientists at the College of Medicine in Stowmarket, which is recognised as one of Europe’s top drug and chemical research institutions, found that the opposite was true for women.

“We supplemented our research by looking at women’s behaviour after they have been drinking beer,” explained the college’s Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“Unfortunately women are wired differently to men, and women became less intelligent after drinking.

‘Talking gibberish’

“We conducted strict testing under laboratory conditions and watched aghast as the women on the beer started talking gibberish and picking fights with each other.

“It always started with something really small, an innocent passing comment, for example. But it quickly blew out of proportion into a real ruck that spilled out into the car park.

“We then carried out the same intelligence tests as we did on the male test group, and the women had trouble holding the pen the correct way up, and could then only draw doodles on the crossword rather than complete it.

“But for men the news is indeed very encouraging, and the fact we are releasing it on a Friday means they can go into the weekend with their heads held high, knowing a good night or two on the beer will make them a better person.”

Dr Fisher, 34, is yet to release the full findings, but she did reveal that her team found chemical reactions between malt, sugars and yeast were responsible for increasing cells in the male brain.

Beer drinker Danny Francis, 28, of Eye, said: “I knew I was a clever bloke but did not really know why, because my dad and the rest of the family are pretty thick.

“But I drink loads of Adnams beer, so this research explains it. Last week I completed the Sun’s crossword for the first time in my life, and that was after seven pints.”

Aldeburgh woman complains AGA makes kitchen too hot

The Editor
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Aldeburgh woman complains AGA makes kitchen too hot

Well-heeled Aldeburgh woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, says her top-of-the-range AGA cooker is making her kitchen unbearably hot during the heatwave.

Ms Fisher, who lives in a £1.5 million detached home close to the Suffolk resort’s seafront, said AGA manufacturers should make sure the stoves give off less heat.

“In this day and age of modern conveniences, you’d think they would have worked out how to have cool AGAs.

“We got our’s when we had a £75,000 refit of the kitchen. During the winter it was lovely, especially once I’d worked out how to use it.

“But to my surprise, it keeps spouting out hot air even during these exceptionally uncomfortable temperatures.”

Ms Fisher has no complaints about the warm choice of electric fires in her living room, it’s just she can’t stand the heat in the kitchen.

She added: “I have tried calling AGA stockists to complain but for some reason, they seem to be ignoring me.

“It’s just poorly designed. It’s not like my fridge makes my kitchen cold in winter.”

Ms Fisher said she may have to rip out the AGA and go for a less trendy appliance.

“But I’d hate to think I got something a middle-class person might use.”

Learn more about high-quality paints and how to choose the best one for you, by reading the Kitchen Home buying guides.

Released bears eat Norfolk family in Thetford Forest

The Editor
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Released bears eat Norfolk family in Thetford Forest
family eaten by bears in Thetford Forest
Bears crossing the A134 at Thetford Forest (Photo: Suffolk Gazette reader Steve Walshe)

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

The controversial rewilding project in Thetford Forest has been scrapped after a Norfolk family of four were eaten by bears.

Wildlife campaigners were overjoyed when black bears and wolves were released into the forest on the Suffolk and Norfolk border.

But just six months later, a Freedom of Information request by this newspaper has revealed a family of four from Norwich were devoured by a mother bear and her three cubs last February.

The tragic news follows the mauling of 12 domestic dogs in Thetford Forest during various walkies.

Our inquiries to the Department of Forestation revealed the family – a man, his sister and their two children aged under ten, had been picnicking at a spot near Lynford, just north of Thetford, when they were attacked.

But news of the deaths was controversially kept a secret to stop panic spreading among visitors and local residents.

Spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, confirmed: “Maybe we should have said something. The family must have disturbed the mum and her bear cubs. The family were reported missing and a search party sent out.

“All that was found was a pair of walking boots, a Norwich City scarf and a half-drunk flask of coffee.”

Further re-introductions of wildlife including bears, wolves, wildcats and mammoths have now been put on hold.

“We are rethinking our strategy,” confirmed Ms Fisher. “We don’t intend to capture those animals already released, but we probably won’t release any more.”

The family of black bears have been seen several times in the forest, including by Suffolk Gazette reader Steve Walshe, who took the photograph featured on the top of this page of the family crossing the A134.

Thetford Forest had been one of two areas chosen to re-settle animals that had left this island many centuries ago. Bristol was the other.

It proved controversial when a bear was spotted near the Norfolk Broads having roamed more than 50 miles from the release site.

Furious farmer caught Theresa May running through his wheat field

The Editor
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Furious farmer caught Theresa May running through his wheat field

By Ivor Traktor, Farming Correspondent (intern)

A Suffolk farmer has revealed he once caught a young Theresa May running through his wheat field.

Ian Dent, who farms near Brandon, said he remembers the incident well because he had to grab the future prime minister by the scruff of her neck and take her to her father for punishment.

“He was a vicar, which surprised me, as I didn’t know daughters of clergymen could be quite so naughty as to run through a wheat field that didn’t belong to them.

“Do you know how much damage can be done to a field of wheat simply by running through it? Well, let me tell you – a lot.

“For a start, where you are running the wheat bends over, and it takes at least a day before it goes upright again. If you were to run up and down and across the field more than five thousand times, it would be flattened.”

Theresa May running through a field

Mr Day, 74, said he was harvesting the field next door on a sweltering July day back in 1964 when he saw a young girl sprinting through the wheat while waving her arms in the air in a deranged fashion.

Theresa May wheat field
“I jumped off the combine harvester and chased her. When I caught up with her she was entirely unapologetic and said only, ‘You don’t seem too pleased’.

“Too right, I was furious. I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and dragged her to the nearby campsite where she was holidaying with her family.

“Imagine my surprise when a bloke wearing a dog collar answered the door. I was going to swear at him but managed to hold my tongue when I realised he was a vicar.

“He looked at his daughter – whom he said was nine – and said, ‘Theresa, you haven’t been running through wheat fields again, have you? What have I told you about that!’

“The father said I could take Theresa back to the farm to do some menial chores to make up for my devastated wheat crop.

“I took her to the yard and told her to clean out the stable. She kept looking at it, marvelling at how well built it was.

“She said, ‘This is a strong stable’, and then kept saying, ‘Strong and stable, strong and stable’ under her breath while she mucked out.

“She was clearly a troubled child, quite mad.”

Theresa May wheat field

Mr Day said he thought no more of the incident until 53 years later when the Prime Minister admitted in a television interview that the naughtiest thing she ever did as a child was run through fields of wheat.

“I was watching the news and I jumped up, scaring the life out of Mrs Day, who was doing the crossword.

“I put two and two together and realised immediately that young scamp called Theresa who ran through my field all those years ago was the Prime Minister when she was a kid.

“And Theresa May’s ridiculous ‘strong and stable’ general election message suddenly made sense.”

Downing Street refused to comment when contacted by the Suffolk Gazette today.

Things you can do in Saratoga Race Course if you’re not gambling

The Editor
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Things you can do in Saratoga Race Course if you’re not gambling

The Saratoga Race Course is one of the oldest racing fields in the United States. It is also considered as one of the legendary racing tracks since it’s inauguration. It has produced a lot of horse racers that became big winners in famous horse racing tournaments all over the world. It is a place where you can truly appreciate the true beauty and culture of combined tourist and gambling destination.

So what comes first in your mind when you hear the word Saratoga Race Course?  To some people, it is the home of some notable horse racing events. It is where you can find full-pledged thoroughbred horse racers showing off their real ability and stamina to outlast each other and bring home a million-dollar purse prize. It is also a place where you can see a considerable number of bettors wagering for their most favorite entries.

The Saratoga Race Course does not only hold horse racing events. There are other main events and things you can do. Also, not all people going to the racing field would spend money to bet. Here are some other things you can do to fully enjoy your Saratoga Race Course experience if you are not gambling.

Food and drinks

The first things that you look forward to when you travel or go to other places are the foods and drinks you have never tried before. Each venue has its food and beverages to boast, and you should miss tasting that.

When you find yourself in Saratoga Race Course, you should taste their Saratoga Sunrise. It is a local drink serve inside the racing field, and this will ultimately complete your Saratoga trip experience. You can try their famous Hattie fried chicken which savors in your mouth entirely giving a different taste away from what a typical fried chicken tastes like.

Freebies and giveaways

There are lots of freebies and giveaways you can get during the Saratoga Race Course summer meet. If you are one of those horse racing fans that does not bet for your desired entry and would like to get the best racing experience, you can collect each freebie given along with the general admission ticket you purchased. These items come in either T-shirt, clocks, calendars, hats, etc.

Fashion and style

The best part of spending your Saratoga Race Course experience is by wearing your fancy dresses and hats. If you are planning head on to Saratoga Springs and wants to flaunt your rodeo-inspired outfits, then you can do it. It is the best time to take out that huge and glamorous couture so you can slay them on the red carpet. You can join in some contests like “Best Dressed,” and if you win, then you’ll surely earn a significant amount of prizes.

Look after each celebrity and iconic individuals

The Saratoga Race Course is one of the most prestigious racing tracks in the United States, and some of the vast races took place in this field. The best way for you to spend your time here while gazing at a great racing show is to spot each iconic personality like celebrities. Some are also wearing their best outfits to celebrate the horse racing event.

Viewing at the paddock

This place takes you to a close look of each thoroughbred joining the racing tournament. It also includes a perfect scenic spot where you can observe each entry saddling and taking rest while they get final instruction before they run. You can also take pictures together with the horse racer, jockey or trainer to have a perfect remembrance about your Saratoga Race Course trip.

Party with music

The events happening in Saratoga Race Course does not only occur during the day. There is a music party which is hosted every night, and you can perfectly dance into the rhythm. It also serves as the best venue to meet new friends, toasts a drink with them, and party with loud music. You can also find bars in the clubhouses that hold a party theme, and if you want to get the best experience during your Saratoga summer meet, then you must try to party.

Roam around in the entire vicinity

The best way to get a full and memorable experience during your Saratoga Race Course trip if you are not betting is by touring around the racecourse. You can explore different areas that made the racing field unique, take pictures, and know-how they are appropriately managed. You can also go to the different facilities that the field has and discover things it can offer to you. Make the most out of everything because you have paid the right amount for your admission tickets. The Saratoga Race Course is one of the most beautiful racing fields you can find in the United States, and the best way to raise your experience to a maximum level is to make out the most out of your budget.

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