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Gunman stuns Dragons Den stars with daring studio heist

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Gunman stuns Dragons Den stars with daring studio heist
Gunman ‘Colin’ holds up the Dragons’ Den stars

By Hugh Dunnett, Crime Correspondent

Police are hunting a shotgun-wielding Suffolk man who ‘robbed’ the stars of TV’s Dragons’ Den out of a £100,000.

Brandishing a shotgun and a bag, he brazenly walked out of the famous studio lift and onto the set during filming last week.

The BBC show’s stars, including tycoons Peter Jones and Deborah Meaden, assumed the man was a genuine entrepreneur pitching for funding.

Dragons Den

He walked up to the five Dragons and said: “My name is Colin, and I’m asking today for £100,000 of your money in return for zero per cent of my business.”

Shocked by what seemed like an unappealing investment opportunity, Peter Jones was the first to speak.

He said: “Hello, Colin. I’m Peter. What exactly is this business idea of yours? Are you setting up a clay pigeon shooting school or something? If so, I would expect 30% of your business. You can go to the back wall and think about it if you like.”

But then Colin raised his gun and, in a broad Suffolk accent, explained: “No, Peter. The business idea is simple, really. You see, this is my gun, and this is my bag. Just put all your money in the f**king bag!”

The show’s Dragons famously have tens of thousands of pounds on the tables next to them, ready to invest in entrepreneurs and their business ideas.

Colin – not believed to be his real name – watched as they nervously tipped all their cash into his bag. Animal lover Deborah Meaden looked down her nose and said: “I hope that’s not a leather bag. I’m out.”

He then turned around, calmly caught the lift downstairs and walked out passed shocked presenter, Evan Davis.

Police spokeswoman Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “We can confirm a man walked onto the Dragon’s Den studio set on the pretence of having a business opportunity.

“But he promptly used his props – a shotgun and a bag – to rob the show’s stars.

“The man has a broad Suffolk accent, is not thought to be called Colin, and is about 6 foot tall with brown hair.”

Dragons Den fake money

A BBC insider insisted the cash that Colin stole was fake money.

“He’ll have a shock when he tries to spend it,” the insider said.

“It’s never nice being the victim of crime, but this should make for excellent TV when it’s aired as part of series 18 next year.”

We’re all looking forward to another election, Britain agrees

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We’re all looking forward to another election, Britain agrees
A voter looking forward to another election

Excited Brits have all agreed they are looking forward to another general election campaign, the third in just three years.

Throw in the UK referendum vote in 2016, this year’s European elections and multiple local elections, and the electorate have been overwhelmingly spoilt.

Voter Steve Walshe, pictured above, said: “The prospect of yet another general election is so exciting, I can hardly contain myself.

“What makes things so thrilling is that no matter which way any of us vote, no matter what the cause of the day, nothing ever changes.

“As a country, it’s one of our most favourite things to do: vote on something in the expectation that sod all will be done about it.”

With Parliament having already agreed to forget that it agreed to the EU referendum result, and now voting today on whether it agrees with a Government voted in to enact the referendum result, the Government is expected to ignore everything. And call another election.

Government adviser Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “It’s quite simple. Parliament will vote and then we will decide whether to hold an election to confirm the result of the last election, which was held after the referendum vote, which itself was a pledge of the election before that.

“Surely everyone understands the logic behind this?

“David Cameron knew this was the plan all along.”

Outrage as Queen agrees to suspend Prince Andrew

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Outrage as Queen agrees to suspend Prince Andrew
Prince Andrew (Photo Thorne1983 Creative Commons)

There was widespread anger today as it emerged The Queen had agreed to suspend Prince Andrew.

Opposition MPs were furious that Her Majesty had allowed the Prince to be shut down and not open to further scrutiny over his relationship with shamed Jeffrey Epstein.

Angry person Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “How dare The Queen agree to take away our right to scrutinise her son.

“This is a blatant abuse of democracy.”

However, a pal of the Duke of York explained: “Andrew is innocent but being suspended will mean no more difficult questions can be asked until well into October..”

Australian batsmen taking no risks at Headingly

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Australian batsmen taking no risks at Headingly
An Australian batsman warming up at Headingly

Australia’s cricket team has revealed it will take no chances when facing the fearsome fast bowling from England’s Jofra Archer.

Batsmen will wear full-body armour to protect them from the type of short ball that struck skipper Steve Smith on the neck in the Second Test at Lords. He batted on but missed the final day’s play with delayed concussion.

Analysts say Archer strikes a batsman in the body or head once every ten overs or so.

Luckily, nobody has been seriously hurt but the latest blow to Smith, who has thankfully made a full recovery and might still play in the Headingly Test, has raised concerns over batsman safety.

Cricket Australia has hinted it could make helmet neck guards – the type that would have protected Smith – compulsory next year.

But in the meantime, team bosses are taking no chances with the new-fangled armoured suits.

Cricket Australia spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Our players will now have no fear of being hurt by Jofra Archer and his fiery deliveries.

“However, we have to admit the protection does make it quite difficult for the batsmen to see anything. And running between the wickets is going to be a little slower, too.

“We also hope it doesn’t rain, or the suits will rust.”

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Biggest jackpot slot winners ever

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Biggest jackpot slot winners ever

Slots may not have the most glamorous look, but they are the most popular casino games and some of the biggest wins come from these games. They are not only easy to play but have a low risk, high reward ratio. With the introduction of progressive jackpots, the possible winnings for a single spin have increased astoundingly. This has resulted in players (online and offline) winning jackpots that have turned them into multimillionaires.

The excitement surrounding progressive jackpots is because they increase every time that slot game is played until one lucky player wins it all. How this works is, a percentage of each bet placed in a spin is stored in a pot – the jackpot. If the jackpot is won, it resets itself to a set initial amount that then increases with every play. Do you want to try your luck at Casino Dames?

Online Progressive Jackpots

Online casinos have revolutionised the gambling industry and have prizes that rival those offered in real-world casinos. The world record for the largest online slot win is £13.2 million, which was won by a Jon Heywood in Britain back in 2015. He won the Mega Moolah jackpot.

There was also an Australian player (who chose to remain anonymous) that pocketed a whopping $10.4 million Australian dollars whilst playing the Dark Knight slot. This game has since been discontinued as a result of licensing issues.

PokerStars Casino has recently introduced a few slots with progressive jackpots. The smallest jackpot is valued at over $1 million. Since January 2017, 12 millionaires have emerged on slots, coming to an accumulative $23.6 million in progressive jackpots. The most recent winner was an online player (Anchor72) that won more than $3 million on Millionaires Island.

Vegas Winnings

Online slots offer the opportunity to win massive jackpots, however, the largest slot wins have come from the Megabucks machines in Las Vegas. These machines are operated by the state, and there are over 700 of them around Nevada. These all link to create a progressive jackpot that presently stands at a minimum of $10 million. The most recent winning jackpot was $11.8 million.

For the first time in 1998, the Megabucks jackpot reached over $20 million when a retired flight attendant placed a bet higher than intended in Palace Station. This player certainly did not regret their bet of $300 as it won a return of $27.5 million. The next year, at Caesars Palace, the Megabucks paid out $21 million – after one spin that cost a measly $10!

The largest recorded slot win was by a software engineer in Los Angeles. He placed a bet of $100 on the Megabucks at Excalibur back in 2003. He won the biggest jackpot Vegas ever had to offer to this day – $39.7 million. The pot had to be paid out in annual instalments of $1.5 million over 25 years.

A Tale of Misfortune

New Yorker, Katrina Bookman was a patron at the Resort World Casino and was playing on the slots when she was presented a winning ticket of $42.9 million. This was almost the largest casino win in the history of ever, if only it was not due to a malfunction. The machine she was playing on only had a maximum winning potential of $6,500. Reports say she was offered a steak dinner by the casino as an apology, we can bet there were a more than a few complimentary cocktails sent to the table.

Slots are the games to beat if you are looking for a high return on your wagers. These games are easily understood and highly entertaining. You do not need to jet to Vegas for the big wins, you can also stay in the comfort of your home as hit it big while you’re sitting on your couch.

Village idiot convention in Norfolk this weekend

The Editor
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Village idiot convention in Norfolk this weekend

Norfolk village idiots have begun arriving for their annual convention in Downham Market.

Attendees will be expected to discuss important issues of the day, including the county’s best walls to sit on and new, exciting ways to suck on a piece of straw.

The conference doesn’t start until Saturday but already 14 village idiots from across Norfolk have arrived.

Organisers insist they are not early but have simply turned up late for last year’s event.

Norfolk’s Chief Village Idiot, Bubba Spuckler said: “Most idiots get hopelessly lost trying to find the venue and some have taken a year to get here.

“But it will be worth it. We have a packed program of events, including a sports day.

“However, last year’s 100-metre sprint won’t be repeated – four runners are still missing.”

The start of last year’s Norfolk Village Idiots’ 100 metres race

Local potato farmer Maurice Piper allows the idiots to use a barn for the convention on his land each year.

“They’re quite harmless. I’m told there are more village idiots in Norfolk than ever before, so it should be a good year for them.”

The news comes after Aldeburgh advertised for a new village idiot in time for the holiday season.

My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum

The Editor
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My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum
Inquisitive Dorothy (Photo: @St_louis31)

Suffolk mum Lorraine Fisher says she’s had enough of her “nosy cow” of a neighbour.

Ms Fisher, 34, a mother-of-two, complained: “I can’t do anything around the house without Dorothy finding out about it.

“I can be cleaning the bathroom, making dinner or watching TV – and there she is, taking a sneak peek through the windows.

“She is a nosy cow, that’s for sure. I have to keep my windows shut now or it would be Friesian in here.

“I tried complaining to the council about her behaviour but they’re having none of it.”

Council spokesman Steve Walshe said: “I’m afraid Ms Fisher is well-known to us. We’ve got a cattlelog of her complaints from her.

“As for her neighbour Dorothy, she’s milking it.”

The picture of the nosy cow was first published by Twitter user @St-louis31

First appearance of the nosy cow of a neighbour

If you have any udderly ridiculous cow jokes, add them in the comments.

Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich

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Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich
Bottom’s up: Norwich prop up the table

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norwich City’s Premier League relegation campaign got off to a flying start last night with a crushing 4-1 defeat at unfancied Liverpool.

With just one game gone, Norwich are already proudly propping up the bottom of the Premier League table.

The crowing Canaries looked likely to be thrashed by at least nine goals but the Reds took their foot off the gas in the second half.

Norwich just need to hold on for another 37 games to ensure they return to the Championship, where Ipswich Town will be waiting following promotion from League One.

Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Only this week, Norwich City crowed about their new sponsorship deal with Toilet Plus.

“Well, now it looks like their Premier League campaign has gone down the pan already.”

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