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Australian batsmen taking no risks at Headingly

The Editor
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Australian batsmen taking no risks at Headingly
An Australian batsman warming up at Headingly

Australia’s cricket team has revealed it will take no chances when facing the fearsome fast bowling from England’s Jofra Archer.

Batsmen will wear full-body armour to protect them from the type of short ball that struck skipper Steve Smith on the neck in the Second Test at Lords. He batted on but missed the final day’s play with delayed concussion.

Analysts say Archer strikes a batsman in the body or head once every ten overs or so.

Luckily, nobody has been seriously hurt but the latest blow to Smith, who has thankfully made a full recovery and might still play in the Headingly Test, has raised concerns over batsman safety.

Cricket Australia has hinted it could make helmet neck guards – the type that would have protected Smith – compulsory next year.

But in the meantime, team bosses are taking no chances with the new-fangled armoured suits.

Cricket Australia spokesperson Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Our players will now have no fear of being hurt by Jofra Archer and his fiery deliveries.

“However, we have to admit the protection does make it quite difficult for the batsmen to see anything. And running between the wickets is going to be a little slower, too.

“We also hope it doesn’t rain, or the suits will rust.”

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Biggest jackpot slot winners ever

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Biggest jackpot slot winners ever

Slots may not have the most glamorous look, but they are the most popular casino games and some of the biggest wins come from these games. They are not only easy to play but have a low risk, high reward ratio. With the introduction of progressive jackpots, the possible winnings for a single spin have increased astoundingly. This has resulted in players (online and offline) winning jackpots that have turned them into multimillionaires.

The excitement surrounding progressive jackpots is because they increase every time that slot game is played until one lucky player wins it all. How this works is, a percentage of each bet placed in a spin is stored in a pot – the jackpot. If the jackpot is won, it resets itself to a set initial amount that then increases with every play. Do you want to try your luck at Casino Dames?

Online Progressive Jackpots

Online casinos have revolutionised the gambling industry and have prizes that rival those offered in real-world casinos. The world record for the largest online slot win is £13.2 million, which was won by a Jon Heywood in Britain back in 2015. He won the Mega Moolah jackpot.

There was also an Australian player (who chose to remain anonymous) that pocketed a whopping $10.4 million Australian dollars whilst playing the Dark Knight slot. This game has since been discontinued as a result of licensing issues.

PokerStars Casino has recently introduced a few slots with progressive jackpots. The smallest jackpot is valued at over $1 million. Since January 2017, 12 millionaires have emerged on slots, coming to an accumulative $23.6 million in progressive jackpots. The most recent winner was an online player (Anchor72) that won more than $3 million on Millionaires Island.

Vegas Winnings

Online slots offer the opportunity to win massive jackpots, however, the largest slot wins have come from the Megabucks machines in Las Vegas. These machines are operated by the state, and there are over 700 of them around Nevada. These all link to create a progressive jackpot that presently stands at a minimum of $10 million. The most recent winning jackpot was $11.8 million.

For the first time in 1998, the Megabucks jackpot reached over $20 million when a retired flight attendant placed a bet higher than intended in Palace Station. This player certainly did not regret their bet of $300 as it won a return of $27.5 million. The next year, at Caesars Palace, the Megabucks paid out $21 million – after one spin that cost a measly $10!

The largest recorded slot win was by a software engineer in Los Angeles. He placed a bet of $100 on the Megabucks at Excalibur back in 2003. He won the biggest jackpot Vegas ever had to offer to this day – $39.7 million. The pot had to be paid out in annual instalments of $1.5 million over 25 years.

A Tale of Misfortune

New Yorker, Katrina Bookman was a patron at the Resort World Casino and was playing on the slots when she was presented a winning ticket of $42.9 million. This was almost the largest casino win in the history of ever, if only it was not due to a malfunction. The machine she was playing on only had a maximum winning potential of $6,500. Reports say she was offered a steak dinner by the casino as an apology, we can bet there were a more than a few complimentary cocktails sent to the table.

Slots are the games to beat if you are looking for a high return on your wagers. These games are easily understood and highly entertaining. You do not need to jet to Vegas for the big wins, you can also stay in the comfort of your home as hit it big while you’re sitting on your couch.

Village idiot convention in Norfolk this weekend

The Editor
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Village idiot convention in Norfolk this weekend

Norfolk village idiots have begun arriving for their annual convention in Downham Market.

Attendees will be expected to discuss important issues of the day, including the county’s best walls to sit on and new, exciting ways to suck on a piece of straw.

The conference doesn’t start until Saturday but already 14 village idiots from across Norfolk have arrived.

Organisers insist they are not early but have simply turned up late for last year’s event.

Norfolk’s Chief Village Idiot, Bubba Spuckler said: “Most idiots get hopelessly lost trying to find the venue and some have taken a year to get here.

“But it will be worth it. We have a packed program of events, including a sports day.

“However, last year’s 100-metre sprint won’t be repeated – four runners are still missing.”

The start of last year’s Norfolk Village Idiots’ 100 metres race

Local potato farmer Maurice Piper allows the idiots to use a barn for the convention on his land each year.

“They’re quite harmless. I’m told there are more village idiots in Norfolk than ever before, so it should be a good year for them.”

The news comes after Aldeburgh advertised for a new village idiot in time for the holiday season.

My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum

The Editor
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My neighbour is a nosy cow, complains Suffolk mum
Inquisitive Dorothy (Photo: @St_louis31)

Suffolk mum Lorraine Fisher says she’s had enough of her “nosy cow” of a neighbour.

Ms Fisher, 34, a mother-of-two, complained: “I can’t do anything around the house without Dorothy finding out about it.

“I can be cleaning the bathroom, making dinner or watching TV – and there she is, taking a sneak peek through the windows.

“She is a nosy cow, that’s for sure. I have to keep my windows shut now or it would be Friesian in here.

“I tried complaining to the council about her behaviour but they’re having none of it.”

Council spokesman Steve Walshe said: “I’m afraid Ms Fisher is well-known to us. We’ve got a cattlelog of her complaints from her.

“As for her neighbour Dorothy, she’s milking it.”

The picture of the nosy cow was first published by Twitter user @St-louis31

First appearance of the nosy cow of a neighbour

If you have any udderly ridiculous cow jokes, add them in the comments.

Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich

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Premier League relegation campaign off to a flyer for Norwich
Bottom’s up: Norwich prop up the table

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Norwich City’s Premier League relegation campaign got off to a flying start last night with a crushing 4-1 defeat at unfancied Liverpool.

With just one game gone, Norwich are already proudly propping up the bottom of the Premier League table.

The crowing Canaries looked likely to be thrashed by at least nine goals but the Reds took their foot off the gas in the second half.

Norwich just need to hold on for another 37 games to ensure they return to the Championship, where Ipswich Town will be waiting following promotion from League One.

Football expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Only this week, Norwich City crowed about their new sponsorship deal with Toilet Plus.

“Well, now it looks like their Premier League campaign has gone down the pan already.”

Frank Lampard’s Derby County renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County

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Frank Lampard’s Derby County renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County
A (much) younger Wayne Rooney in action for Manchester United

In a move that has shocked the football world, Frank Lampard’s Derby County is being renamed Wayne Rooney’s Derby County.

The sensational switch follows claims that the former 33-year-old England skipper is leaving the United States, where he plays for DC United, to take up a player-coach role at Derby.

As well as the club name change, the club shop at Pride Park Stadium is also getting in plenty of XXXL-sized shirts.

Frank Lampard left the managerial hot seat to take over at Chelsea, leaving the club bereft of any identity whatsoever. Clearly not any old boss could take over, it needed someone who could be included in the club name.

The Derby manager is Phillip Cocu, appointed last month, but no-one will care about him.

Football club name expert Lorraine Fisher, 34, said: “Wayne Rooney’s Derby County has a great ring to it.

“This is what every single cliche-ridden journalist will be writing and saying for the next ten months before Wayne gets sacked next May.”

Drinking beer makes men more intelligent

The Editor
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Drinking beer makes men more intelligent

pints-of-beer

By Phil Ward, Health Reporter

Scientists have discovered that drinking beer makes men more intelligent.

Boffins at Suffolk’s prestigious College of Medicine found men who drink at least five pints of ale a day were far better equipped to hold high-level discussions about important issues of the day.

And blokes on the beer were also more adept at completing brain tasks like finishing cryptic crosswords and solving complicated mathematical equations.

The surprising findings will be music to the ears of boozers across Britain, who have been insisting beer is good for them since the drink was first invented in 1937.

But the scientists at the College of Medicine in Stowmarket, which is recognised as one of Europe’s top drug and chemical research institutions, found that the opposite was true for women.

“We supplemented our research by looking at women’s behaviour after they have been drinking beer,” explained the college’s Dr Lorraine Fisher, 34.

“Unfortunately women are wired differently to men, and women became less intelligent after drinking.

‘Talking gibberish’

“We conducted strict testing under laboratory conditions and watched aghast as the women on the beer started talking gibberish and picking fights with each other.

“It always started with something really small, an innocent passing comment, for example. But it quickly blew out of proportion into a real ruck that spilled out into the car park.

“We then carried out the same intelligence tests as we did on the male test group, and the women had trouble holding the pen the correct way up, and could then only draw doodles on the crossword rather than complete it.

“But for men the news is indeed very encouraging, and the fact we are releasing it on a Friday means they can go into the weekend with their heads held high, knowing a good night or two on the beer will make them a better person.”

Dr Fisher, 34, is yet to release the full findings, but she did reveal that her team found chemical reactions between malt, sugars and yeast were responsible for increasing cells in the male brain.

Beer drinker Danny Francis, 28, of Eye, said: “I knew I was a clever bloke but did not really know why, because my dad and the rest of the family are pretty thick.

“But I drink loads of Adnams beer, so this research explains it. Last week I completed the Sun’s crossword for the first time in my life, and that was after seven pints.”

Aldeburgh woman complains AGA makes kitchen too hot

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Aldeburgh woman complains AGA makes kitchen too hot

Well-heeled Aldeburgh woman Lorraine Fisher, 34, says her top-of-the-range AGA cooker is making her kitchen unbearably hot during the heatwave.

Ms Fisher, who lives in a £1.5 million detached home close to the Suffolk resort’s seafront, said AGA manufacturers should make sure the stoves give off less heat.

“In this day and age of modern conveniences, you’d think they would have worked out how to have cool AGAs.

“We got our’s when we had a £75,000 refit of the kitchen. During the winter it was lovely, especially once I’d worked out how to use it.

“But to my surprise, it keeps spouting out hot air even during these exceptionally uncomfortable temperatures.”

Ms Fisher has no complaints about the warm choice of electric fires in her living room, it’s just she can’t stand the heat in the kitchen.

She added: “I have tried calling AGA stockists to complain but for some reason, they seem to be ignoring me.

“It’s just poorly designed. It’s not like my fridge makes my kitchen cold in winter.”

Ms Fisher said she may have to rip out the AGA and go for a less trendy appliance.

“But I’d hate to think I got something a middle-class person might use.”

Learn more about high-quality paints and how to choose the best one for you, by reading the Kitchen Home buying guides.

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