Suffolk floods allow Russian submarine to surface in Bury St Edmunds.
By Our Defence Editor: Doug Trench
BURY ST EDMUNDS, SUFFOLK — The relentless downpours that have battered Suffolk in early 2026 have led to a series of severe flood alerts across the county. However, residents of Bury St Edmunds were treated to more than just high water levels this week when a full-scale Russian Akula-class submarine appeared to navigate the submerged remains of a local residential street.
The vessel, which locals have affectionately dubbed the “Bury Beluga,” was first spotted breaching the surface near the flooded Ixer Lane. While Suffolk Highways has closed numerous roads due to “verges being washed away,” they have yet to issue a specific guideline for yielding to 12,000-ton nuclear-powered submersibles at major junctions.
Deep-Sea Potholes
“I was just looking out the window at the rising water when a periscope rose past the bird feeder,” noted one resident near the River Lark. “I thought the council had finally sent a very aggressive drainage team, but then I noticed the Cyrillic lettering on the conning tower. It reminded me of the Hunt for Red October.”
While the Environment Agency continues to monitor high river levels on the Deben and Lark, they have remained tight-lipped on whether the “Bury Beluga” constitutes a breach of local fishing bylaws or a standard transit under the 2026 Flood Recovery Framework.
Military analysts suggest the submarine’s appearance is a masterclass in opportunistic navigation. With January 2026 officially recorded as 50% wetter than average, the Suffolk interior has effectively become the UK’s newest deep-water port.
Some people relax with a cup of tea and a documentary about steam trains. Others turn to fast-moving financial markets where prices jump about like startled pigeons. Active traders, the ones who refresh charts with the enthusiasm of a Labrador shaking a toy, have found their natural habitat in these high-energy products.
They crave speed and these markets move like Suffolk wind on bin day
Prices can twitch in seconds, which is ideal for anyone whose patience evaporates faster than a puddle in July. Traders can open a position, panic slightly, close the position and congratulate themselves all before the kettle boils. The chaos is half the charm. Some even treat rapid movement as a test of personal skill, as if the market were a spirited opponent in a friendly pub darts match. The sense of immediate feedback keeps them in a loop of constant decision-making and instant gratification.
Why this appeals: Fast-paced traders want constant action, and these instruments give them the rapid feedback needed for quick reaction strategies.
No ownership required which is perfect for people with no cupboard space for gold bars
These contracts allow traders to speculate on markets without holding any physical assets. There is no need to store commodities, metals, or digital wallets; everything is managed directly on the trading platform. Removing the practical challenges of ownership creates a more streamlined experience, giving traders the flexibility to move quickly between markets. They can shift from agricultural prices to technology shares with ease, focusing purely on price movements rather than the responsibilities that come with holding the underlying asset.
Why this appeals: Active traders prefer flexibility rather than long commitments, and the ability to trade price movements without owning anything suits their quick-turn mindset.
Leverage gives them a heroic feeling until the market teaches humility
Controlling a large position with a modest amount of capital provides an intoxicating sense of financial might. The rush is undeniable. Leverage allows traders to feel as though they have stepped onto a grand financial stage, even if they are actually sitting in a kitchen in Lowestoft wearing mismatched slippers. The dramatic scaling of exposure creates a sense of personal significance that may be unusually compelling.
Why this appeals: Leverage allows traders to amplify small price moves, fitting their appetite for short bursts of high-impact activity.
Rising markets, falling markets, sideways markets… all fair game
Some markets only reward you when prices rise. Not here. Traders can speculate in either direction, which means they can proudly claim they predicted everything, even when they clearly did not. This directional freedom also gives them constant opportunities to justify their latest flurry of chart screenshots and colourful annotations. It creates the comforting illusion that the market is always presenting them with something to react to.
Why this appeals: The freedom to react to news in both directions suits traders who constantly shift bias and thrive in unpredictable environments.
Volatility gives them something to chase or blame every hour of the day
Most people find sharp movements alarming. Short-term traders treat them as entertainment. Volatility keeps them alert, engaged and slightly over-caffeinated. Each jagged movement can be spun into a bold narrative that can turn the entire experience into something oddly theatrical. At times, traders behave as if the market were performing a bespoke drama specifically for their viewing pleasure.
Why this appeals: Volatile swings provide frequent entry and exit points, which is exactly what fast turnover traders look for.
Platforms feel like a global financial theme park
One moment, they analyse coffee prices. The next, they explore tech stocks or currency swings. This multi-market access is where CFD trading shines. It lets restless traders jump between opportunities like determined tourists racing across a fairground map. The sense of endless variety is energising, especially for traders who believe they can find opportunity in any asset as long as it has a pulse and a chart.
Why this appeals: the ability to access many markets in one place supports strategies built on rapid switching between assets when news breaks.
Costs and fees: the plot twist they always forget
Spreads and overnight charges sit quietly in the background like a fox in a bin. Traders notice them only after muttering something along the lines of “why is my balance doing that.” Even so, they adapt. Many active traders build the cost of frequent trading into their internal justification systems, much like a gym membership that they swear they will use properly next month.
Why this appeals: although costs matter, the potential for frequent short-term opportunities keeps traders engaged even when fees nibble at the edges.
Risk controls exist and are often admired from a distance
Stop losses and limit orders are available, although some traders treat them the way Suffolk residents treat seagulls. Important to acknowledge, yet often ignored until necessary. These tools act as invisible guardrails that provide just enough structure to prevent total chaos, even if traders prefer to imagine they are navigating markets through pure instinct.
Why this appeals: risk tools allow high-speed traders to set boundaries around sudden price shocks, which is essential for short-term speculation.
The long and the short of it
Fast-moving financial contracts attract active traders because they offer speed, flexibility, leverage, volatility and constant opportunity in one lively package. They compress drama, decision-making, and emotional turbulence into short bursts that suit those who prefer excitement over serenity. Satire aside, it is easy to see the logic. These markets reward quick thinking, constant vigilance and the desire to act swiftly, even if the trading takes place from a kitchen table in Ipswich at one in the morning. For the short-term trader, this style of trading satisfies the need for immediate autonomy and the feeling of being plugged into a global story that unfolds by the minute.
Starmer and Mandelson rank as history’s most hated after Hitler.
LONDON, UK — In an unprecedented shift in historical public opinion, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer and disgraced former Ambassador to the US, Lord Peter Mandelson, have been named the second and third most hated figures in history, respectively. Adolf Hitler narrowly retained his top spot, primarily due to having a significant head start.
The astonishing results come from a snap poll conducted by the staff of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE which noted a dramatic surge in animosity towards the two Labour grandees. Sir Keir’s approval ratings, already lower than crocodile piss, plummeted further after an internal party memo accidentally ranked him “less popular than lukewarm tea.”
Not well-liked
Lord Mandelson, meanwhile, secured his bronze medal in vilification following revelations that he allegedly exchanged classified state secrets with convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Sources close to the investigation suggest the “secrets” mainly involved the precise biscuit-to-tea ratio favored at diplomatic functions, but the optics were, as one expert put it, “shite.”
“It’s a testament to their contemporary impact,” stated Professor Quentin Frown, head of the Institute. “To outrank figures like Ivan the Terrible or Pol Pot, who, let’s not forget, specialized in actual ‘terrible’ things, shows a truly unique talent for generating widespread disdain. It’s almost impressive.”
While Starmer’s rise to infamy is attributed to a combination of political inertia, perceived broken promises, and an uncanny ability to inspire mild irritation, Mandelson’s position is more… spicy. “Giving away state secrets is one thing,” mused an anonymous Whitehall source, “but giving them to Epstein? That’s just not cricket.”
As for the future, experts predict that if current trends continue, Starmer could potentially dethrone Hitler by the next fiscal quarter, unless of course, he finally delivers on his promise to release the sausages.
Crying Chancellor Reeves features on £20 note amid Starmer government collapse.
By Our Political Correspondent: Polly Ticks
WESTMINSTER, LONDON — Early drafts of a new £20 banknote featuring a visibly distraught Rachel Reeves have leaked from the Royal Mint.
The design, which depicts the Chancellor in a state of high-definition emotional collapse, reportedly commemorates the “Summer of Sobbing” in 2025, when Ms. Reeves was reduced to tears on the front bench during a particularly grueling Prime Minister’s Questions. While at the time the Treasury dismissed the incident as a “personal matter,” the Bank of England’s artistic committee apparently viewed it as the perfect symbol for the national economy: leaking, under pressure, and desperately needing a tissue.
Watermark
The timing of the “Bawling Banknote” is poignant. As of February 2026, Ms. Reeves finds herself on “thin ice” as the Starmer premiership enters what critics call its “terminal splintering phase.” The Prime Minister’s position is currently “hanging by a thread” following the Lord Peter Mandelson scandal, which has seen the veteran peer accused of “betraying his country” over historical links to Jeffrey Epstein.
With Sir Keir facing a “mutiny” from his own backbenchers, the Chancellor’s future in Number 11 appears equally precarious. “It’s a very intricate design,” noted one satirical currency expert. “The watermark is fashioned out of Reeves’ actual tears, which were retrieved from a tissue left by her on the green benches in the commons.” Another feature is a “Mandelson Hologram”: a shimmering image of the disgraced peer that vanishes the moment you ask for his vetting documents.
While Downing Street insists the Chancellor is “absolutely confident” she will remain in post, the Mint has reportedly ordered extra purple ink for the banknote’s “Red-Eyes” edition.
Infamous Seagull 73 returns, attacking hot dogs and reclaiming skies.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
LOWESTOFT, SUFFOLK — Civil order collapsed briefly on the South Pier yesterday as local authorities confirmed the reappearance of Seagull 73, the avian kingpin who has successfully defied both biological aging and the local constabulary for over three decades.
Seagull attack
Seagull 73 is widely regarded as the most notorious seabird ever to patrol the skies of Lowestoft, Suffolk. His legend began early. At just five weeks old, he is said to have fallen from his cliff-top nest and immediately distinguished himself by saving his mother from an Alsatian using what eyewitnesses later described as “decisive eye-focused tactics.” This formative incident is generally accepted as the moment Seagull 73 crossed the line from ordinary gull to local myth.
Missing for fourteen months—following a mysterious sabbatical rumored to involve a hostile takeover of a Great Yarmouth shrimp trawler—the 34-year-old airborne legend signaled his return by attacking a male tourist from the Midlands. The victim, who was reportedly enjoying a “jumbo” hot dog, was left holding nothing but a soggy bun and a profound sense of inadequacy.
The Return of the King
Witnesses say the “precision snatch” was executed with the surgical grace that defines Seagull 73. “It wasn’t just a theft; it was a statement,” noted one local chip shop owner, who currently displays a legal disclaimer stating that all battered cod is technically ‘at risk’ the moment it clears the fryer. “He didn’t even flap. He just glided in, claimed the frankfurter, and gave the poor man a look that suggested he should be grateful for the experience.”
Attack and defend
Despite his advanced age defying every known law of ornithology, Seagull 73 remains a feathered inevitability. Whether he spent his missing year in witness protection or deep-cover reconnaissance remains unknown. What is certain is that Lowestoft’s skies are once again under attack.
Suffolk police investigate giant snow feet appearing in a residential driveway.
By Our Angling Correspondent: Courtney Pike
IPSWICH, SUFFOLK — Suffolk police have launched a cautious inquiry following the overnight appearance of a pair of anatomically detailed, three-meter-long feet sculpted entirely from snow. The frozen appendages, discovered in a residential driveway, have left local authorities grappling with a case that is literally melting away.
A Cold Case
Officers were called to the scene at dawn after a homeowner reported two frozen feet obstructing their property. Preliminary measurements suggest the sculptures are roughly size 450 in standard UK footwear.
“We are currently treating this as a non-suspicious but highly confusing incident,” said a spokesperson for the Suffolk Constabulary. “While the artistry is undeniable—right down to the distinct toenail ridges—the sheer scale suggests either a prank of giant proportions or a very localized, very specific weather event.”
Snow investigation
Forensic teams arrived shortly after 9:00 AM, though their efforts have been hampered by a slight rise in temperature. “We attempted to take plaster casts of the snow casts,” noted one technician, “but the chemical reaction caused a minor toe collapse. It’s a race against the sun.”
Locals have already dubbed the phenomenon the “Yeti of Yoxford,” with some claiming the feet are a cold-weather tribute to the Suffolk Colossus bronze statue nearby. Others suggest it may be the work of a rogue artist who took the phrase “leaving a footprint” too literally.
Police have issued a lighthearted warning to the public.
“We advise residents to remain vigilant. If you see a three-storey-tall snowman wandering the A12 without his shoes, please do not approach him. He is likely cold and irritable.”
The real investigation
The investigation is expected to conclude naturally by midday Thursday, provided the central heating stays on.
BUXHALL, SUFFOLK – A 2,000-year-old ancient container of what can only be described as Roman Vaseline has been found in a hole in a field near Buxhall in Suffolk.
By Our Norfolk Reporter: Ian Bred
The ancient metal container, replete with visible finger marks, reveals that Romans were ahead of their time in the world of skincare. Composed of lead and an early form of petroleum jelly, this find sheds new light on ancient beauty regimes.
Inspired by this discovery, intrepid researchers at Smethwick University concocted their own version of the Roman cream, following the ancient recipe. When they applied the waxy substance to their skin, it morphed into a yellowish layer with a smooth, gloopy texture. This delightful transformation was thanks to starch, a trusty ingredient still beloved by modern cosmetic makers.
Professor Richard Gardenshed, a leading expert on ancient skincare at Smethwick University, explained, “Along with anal sex, white face paint was all the rage in Roman times, typically deriving its ghostly hue from a lead compound. A tin compound from Cornwall was also a popular and readily available alternative.” Clearly, the Romans had a penchant for pallor.
Gently does it
Today, petroleum jelly, or ‘Vaseline,’ serves myriad purposes, from soothing dry skin and healing minor injuries to treating diaper rash and let’s face it – acting as a lubricant for anal penetration. Yet, the Romans’ infatuation with lead didn’t stop at cosmetics. Lead was the metal of choice for cups, plates, coins, pipes, and even birth control—a testament to their all-in approach to heavy metal usage.
Remarkably, scientists have discovered that ancient Roman tap water boasted lead levels up to 100 times higher than local spring water. This has fueled some historians’ theories that lead poisoning might have contributed to the fall of the Roman Empire.
In the end, while the Romans might have boasted glowing skin (albeit with a ghastly pallor), their love affair with bum sex and lead could have been their undoing. But hey, at least they looked fabulous and had a good time while it lasted.
PARK LANE, LONDON -In a move described by insiders as “TripAdvisor meets Border Force”. The Home Office has reportedly hired television’s Hotel Inspector, Alex Polizzi. Who will kit out dozens of hotels earmarked for accommodating an anticipated 10,000 cross-channel boat migrants over the next year.
By Our Security Correspondent: Ben Twarters
Polizzi, famous for her no-nonsense critiques and fondness for plumping cushions with military precision. She has been tasked with transforming Britain’s hastily repurposed budget lodgings into “welcoming, functional sanctuaries with a hint of boutique charm. Even if they smell faintly of damp carpet, darling.”
A leaked memo suggests upgrades will include Egyptian cotton sheets (“or at least polyester that looks expensive”). Tasteful yet wipe-clean décor, and the installation of complimentary kettles that “will definitely work, most of the time.” Shower pressure is to be tested using Polizzi’s famed “one-eyebrow lift” method — a silent but devastating verdict on underperforming plumbing.
Taking over the asylum
The scheme, dubbed Operation Turn-Down Service. It will be rolled out across a network of two- and three-star hotels from Dover to Dundee. A Home Office spokesperson insisted the project was not about luxury but about “providing humane, dignified accommodation — and maybe the odd scatter cushion.”
Critics argue that sprucing up hotels for migrants sends “the wrong message,” but Polizzi countered during a site visit in Hull: “A clean bathroom and a working lightbulb aren’t decadence — they’re civilisation.”
The first Polizzi-approved property is due to open next month in Folkestone. She has complete with neutral wall tones, a breakfast buffet that “doesn’t induce regret,” and signage in multiple languages advising guests how to operate British shower taps.
Polizzi has promised the Home Office she will not rest until “every single guest feels like they’ve stepped into a three-star dream, even if they arrived by dinghy.”
