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President of United Nations sending speedos and bikinis back

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President of United Nations sending speedos and bikinis back
President of United Nations sending speedos and bikinis back

President of United Nations sending back speedos and bikinis due to them covering too much skin

Shipments of 400,000 pairs of speedos and 500,000 bikinis, as well as cornettos, suncream, umbrellas, and sunglasses have been sent back and quarantined, and Boris did nothing about it.

Boris Johnson stated, “Literally one step away from speedos and bikinis is whatever Adam and Eve were wearing. A step after that, we might as well all be naked. This is not a good example for the kids.”

The locals are gathered on Downing Street dressed in nothing but trash bags protesting, holding up signs saying, “No More Heat Waves”, “Cold Lives Matter”, “We Want Our Speedos and Heroes Back.”

The locals are furious because they knew the government could have done a lot more to avoid this situation. The government was clearly aware of the upcoming heat waves and still quarantined shipments of speedos and bikinis overseas. Boris knew all of this as well and did nothing for the citizens.

Reason behind President of United Nations decision:

What could account for the bikinis and speedos being unsafe for the people?
Was there a malfunction in the factories or general supply chain issues?
Politics??
Conspiracy theorists are publishing articles in order to answer these daunting questions.

There have been photos of Boris modeling all the speedos and bikinis in a runway show. But the weird thing is that the audience were only dogs. He was putting on a show for a bunch of Doberman dogs feeding them cornettos off of his body..

Mr. Walsh, a journalist, snuck into the event and documented the whole thing. He sent the footage to the BBC in which it was televised on all platforms.

Lorraine Fisher – 34, a well respected conspiracy theorist believes that Elon Musk is behind all of this. He wants all the premium quality speedos and bikinis on the next mars fleet. They need to go into the mars atmosphere in a fashionable manner.

But wait, there’s more!

They are using speedos and bikinis for the aliens in mars. They are hosting their very first annual runway model awards for the martians. Jeff Bezos Frontier and Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic are all competing. That is why there was a call back on all the bikinis and speedos.

There is concrete proof of this:

Fisher later stated, “Why does every speedo and bikini have a mars logo and written on them, 1s Annual Marian Bikini Contest? They are clearly hosting this event and nobody is asking questions.”

Hugh Dennett, a film critic stated “They are also getting ready to film the third installment of the 300 Spartans franchise. The extras need the speedos and the bikini garments. They will also film the next Baywatch in the UK so they need all the speedos and bikinis they can get. That is why there is a shortage.”

One local said, “I just want to feel sexy in my bikini again. I hate wearing trash bags as a bikini. I feel like trash.”

Shape of a UFO & ED Sheeran’s helipad revealed

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Shape of a UFO & ED Sheeran’s helipad revealed
Shape of a UFO & ED Sheeran's helipad revealed
UFO launchpad

By UFO correspondent, Lorraine Fisher – 34 in Framlingham, Suffolk.

As reported previously in the Gazette, a cadre of evil Framlinghamites who laughably consider themselves to be ‘neighbours’ of popular (outside the local area) immigrant folk singer, Ed Sheeran has been caught spying on the ‘prop idol’ in a bid to have the planning permission for his private helipad revoked.

The ridiculously extravagant, and unnecessary helicopter pad, which is located in an extremely private area of Framlingham i.e. Ed’s back garden, may only be used by the wannabe pilot 28 times a year – that’s less than once a day.

Now, it is reported, strange, extra-terrestrial goings on in the skies above the warring village may have scuppered Sheeran’s detractors from ending his ambition of dominating the skies above Framlingham.

Quickie with a mate:

This reporter caught up with one of the anti-Sheeran plotters and asked about recent events…“Well, we’d been putting up with the usual bloody racket coming from Pippin Manor at all hours of the day and night, the studio, the chopper, etc, and we were still rotating counting duty.

I think we got up to 27 or 28 flights. We’d actually had a drink at the Castle a few days before to celebrate nearly reaching the magic 29 and would you believe it, by chance Ed popped in for a quickie with his mate, Gary Numan. Of course, as soon as he saw us he just turned right back around and they left. He’s got his own pub back at the manor anyhow.

It was the Thursday night, about 2.30 a.m. when it happened. There began this strange, high-pitched tone, eerie and pulsating, coming from outside, and a bright – very bright – orangey light beaming through the windows into the house.

It was very other-worldly, like something out of E.T.. Of course, the whole house was woken up, in fact, the whole village woke as we all came outside to see what on earth was going on.”

UFO (Unidentified Flying Orange):

“As we gazed up, partially covering our eyes from the brightness, none of us could believe what we saw. There was an enormous flying saucer hovering directly above the manor. It was mind-blowing.

There was the incredibly bright light which seemed to have a dazzling orange centre, illuminating the billowing mist all around. It was an awesome sight. For a moment, I thought that the orange centre looked like a being, like a person or alien even, but definitely shorter than a human, maybe with orangey hair?

I think this being was the pilot. Anyway, everyone was terrified. The pulsating noise was getting louder and more intense until suddenly, it reached a pitch where we all seemed to freeze. The noise and lights were so overwhelming that it felt like your head was going to explode.

Then, I felt myself lift up off of the ground. I was just hanging there, in suspended animation for what seemed like an age, and then… nothing. That was it, it was all over.

We all woke up the next morning, at dawn, lying on the ground, in the grass or mud or whathaveyou, just right where we had been the night before. The UFO was gone. We didn’t say a word to each other. We all just shook our heads and went home.”

What happened next?

“Well, you can imagine. The talk in the village next day was of nothing else. Rumours were flying all over the place. One of the weirdest was something to do with Sheeran being given flying lessons by some celebrity pilot mates of his.

We all saw him with Numan who’s been flying for years but others say he was recently seen at a cash machine talking to Noel Edmonds! And one bloke who I’ve known for years told me that his sister served the drummer from Blur at the B.P. and he asked for directions to the manor. Co-incidence? Numan – Edmonds – Drummer from Blur? Thas a rum owd dew!”

Get to the point

“So anyway, to get to the point, some of us put two and two together and we decided to go up to the manor and y’know, look over the fence, to see what we could find out. It was Tony who spotted it first. Cood a hell!

A great big bleedin’ UFO sittin’ right there in the middle of the manor. Bold as brass, on its own private launchpad. It was only old Sheeran’s wasn’t it! I was wondering, straight away… has he got planning permission for that?”

Memory erased

“Well, there was uproar. We marched back to the pub to tell everyone what we’d discovered. We went in shouting ‘Listen! Listen! Listen!’ and we sat down in front of the open fire and we had everyone’s attention. And then the weirdest thing of all happened.

We tried to start telling the story, Me, Tony, Brian and Jeremy …y’know, Jeremy Paxman off the telly, but none of us could remember what had happened! We just couldn’t explain what we were trying to say. It was like our memories had been erased.

We just sat there scratching our heads and wondering what on earth had happened and why we were there. Well, since then, a few little things have started to come back, but I still don’t know what it all means.

Latest helipad flight count

When asked, the local group battling against Sheeran’s relentless ‘copter flights said that inexplicably and rather embarrassingly, no-one in the group could remember the tally of flights made to date, and reluctantly they were going to have to start counting again from one.

Ed Sheeran was not available for comment.

ED Sheeran flying & neighbours spying

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ED Sheeran flying & neighbours spying
ED Sheeran flying & neighbours spying

By entertainment correspondent, Frankie Fibonacci in Framlingham, Suffolk.

As reported a few days ago in another, bigger circulation newspaper, immigrant folk singer Ed Sheeran’s jealous neighbours are attempting to ruin his life by counting the number of times he selfishly flies his big, expensive private helicopter over their houses.

Annoyingly for Ed, who can just about drive a car, let alone fly a complex air vehicle which derives both lift and propulsion from horizontally revolving overhead rotors, the planning permission on his James Bond style ‘copter pad limits its use to only 28 flights a year – an arbitrary number picked out of a hat at the last minute by an under-pressure East Suffolk Council.

Neighbours:

Motivated by pure envy, and in a bid to have his planning permission revoked, the popular wannabe-hip-hop artiste’s spiteful neighbours have been working in cahoots in recent weeks to catch privacy-obsessed Ed over-using his luxury ‘air taxi’ which is parked up on his private helipad located between his private swimming pool and his private football pitch at ‘Sheeranville’, his palatial, private £3.7 million Framlingham estate.

Everybody needs good neighbours:

A quick glance at the #framglinghamagainstsheerancopter Twitter feed reveals how unpopular mega-ginge, Sheeran’s flying penis substitute is becoming with locals.

One Twit complained:

“I’ve got nothing against Ed personally, but it’s the bloody noise! It’s a like a never-ending, monotonic drone that is simply impossible to listen to. You literally have to cover your ears… and that’s just the sound coming from his recording studio. Admittedly, when he starts the eggbeater up it’s not as bad but it’s still very disruptive to the dull, uneventful lifestyle the rest around here used to enjoy.”

With a little understanding:

Twit two whinged…

“If I want to go to the Framlingham sports club and play tennis, archery, badminton, hockey or croquet, or visit the traditional English market in the town square up on Market Hill.

Every Tuesday and Saturday morning to be offered fresh fruit and vegetables, artisan breads and cakes, fresh fish, coffee, cheese and pies, or peruse other occasional stalls, then I should be able to do it without fear of being decapitated by his monstrous flying whirligig, shouldn’t I?”

Orange straw hair:

On the ground back in Framlingham, another neighbour who when questioned by this reporter was busy fashioning what appeared to be a small voodoo-like doll with a mop of bright orange straw hair whined “I mean it’s not as if his music is any good is it? Everything is derivative of Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye or Bob Marley. I really don’t know how he gets away with it.” Carefully attaching the doll to a perfectly scaled silk parachute, she went on…” I suppose he might say he needs the whirlybird to get to and fro the high court quickly because of all the copyright infringement claims n’that but why us locals have to be dragged into it, I don’t know. Anyway, best you git gorn now.”

To date

Ed’s flight tally is 24 and counting…

Suffolk Police Apache Fleet partners with Cillit Bang

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Suffolk Police Apache Fleet partners with Cillit Bang
Cillit Bang

Suffolk Police Apache Fleet has teamed up with Cillit Bang to help them reach new heights in the 2024 Olympics.

The next Olympics will be held in Paris, France beginning on July 26, 2024 and ending on August 11, 2024.

Cillit Bang will sponsor Suffolk Police Apaches. Cillit Bang is famous for the tagline “Bang and and the job is done” which will have their logo added to all 4 of Suffolks Apache fleet.

Why partnering with Cillit bang?

They believe that British Sprinters will dominate the next Olympics which is why they partnered up with Cillit Bang.

“We will need their powerful cleaning product to clean up all the stains and remains of the other sprinters”, according to Suffolk Police.

But not only will they use Cilit Bang to clean up the remains of the competition, also the sprinters they are training.

Currently, over fifteen new attack helicopters are undergoing test flights for the British army.

The AH-64E Apache aircraft will replace the Apache AH Mk1 which will go into service by 2024, just in time for the Olympics.

The new AH-64E attack helicopters can reach speeds up to 160 miles per hour. That’s a whole lot of speed!

Suffolk police are currently training 5 British sprinters ahead of the 2024 Olympics. They are Marcus Adam, Harry Aikines-Aryeetey, John Ainsworth-Davis, Kriss Akabusi, and Willie Applegarth.

Effectiveness:

Hughe Dennett, head of Suffolk Police stated, “We will essentially chase and shoot at the British sprinters at 160 miles per hour. If we vaporise them, then at least we know we have Cilit Bang to clean up the mess. And any citizen over the age of 5 years old will have to go through the training. Every citizen will be chosen at random.”

Dennett also stated, “In addition to the air crafts shooting at you at 168 miles per hour, we will have mini drones shooting at your legs so you can run faster. This is the only way we will win truly dominate the Olympics”

It seems rather fitting, said Lorraine Fisher, 34 head of Suffolks Air Operations. A simple squeeze of the trigger and bad guys get vaporised. No courts, solicitors or prisons.

Anglian Water is building a reservoir costing over £2bn

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Anglian Water is building a reservoir costing over £2bn
Anglian Water is building a reservoir costing over £2bn
Reservoir to be called “Fountain of youth”

Anglian Water, the region’s water company, is hoping to build a reservoir on the Norfolk/Cambridgeshire border despite the cost being between £2bn and £3bn.

A reservoir like this one hasn’t been built in Britain in over 30 years.

There will be a second reservoir in south Lincolnshire. Both facilities together would provide water for at least 700,000 homes.

Production will begin by 2030, and by the mid 2030s, the facilities will start supplying water to taps according to Anglian Water.

About the Reservoir:

This project has been in development for about 10 years with its main objective to fight global warming.

It is estimated to supply an average of 20 million liters of water each day. But there is a bit of a discrepancy here.

Bubba Spuckler of Norfolk has proposed a third reservoir to be built. He said he would have it built in 6 months.

Spuckler said, “ I’ve been using the same spade since I was 14. I’ve had 15 new handles and 16 new diggy bits since then. We can run a hose from another local reservoir once we’ve finished, so people can start using it straight away.”

Why is he proposing a third reservoir?

Spuckler stated, “This particular part of Europe is known as The Goldilock Zone also known as The Fountain of Youth. It doesn’t get too hot or too cold. There a special alien compounds that grow and flourish here because they lie neatly in these coordinates”

Lorraine Fisher, 34, is a Prophet, a well respected Scientologist, and allegedly, Jesus Christ Ex-girlfiend. She looks 34 but in reality she is 1,099 years old. Her secret is for the last 500 years, she has been spending 1 hour a day in this region. She built a secret underground jacuzzi in these precise coordinates. Just like Bubba Spuckler, she knows that it is the ultimate goldilocks zone, also known as the fountain of youth.

Lorraine fisher and Bubba want to live here forever together:

Norfolk and Cambrdigeshire heard the rumors that this place was the ultimate fountain of youth. Peter Grimes, a Biochemist from Cambridgeshire, and Mr. Walsh, a Geochemist from Norfolk, was sent down there to study the elements for a week.

They both found materials and compounds unknown to the current scientific literature. Grimes and Mr. Walsh left bald, and came back with a full head of hair.

They both stated, “This is truly amazing. I regeneraged my full head of hair, my vital signs are improving, and my libido is that of a teenagers.”

Norfolk and Cambridgeshire made a deal costing almost 2 billions pounds. The deal was made for both cities to share the reservoir and feed it to their cities. It will be in the water they drink and bathe in. It will also be vaporised so everyone can inhale it effortlessly.

They are calling this project, “The Forever 21 Project “ which will be available in about 6-8 months according to Bubba Spuckler and Anglian Water.

Spuckler said, “So the people of Norfolk and Cambridgeshire, just try not to die anytime soon, that would be great if you didn’t. Great things are coming.”

Parasailor tries to be mauled by Shark off Lowestoft beach

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Parasailor tries to be mauled by Shark off Lowestoft beach
Parasailor

Parasailor tries to be mauled by Shark off Lowestoft beach everyday for the summer. The parasailor in the picture is not really in danger.

Every summer, the sharks off Lowestoft beach have their annual competition to see who can catch as many parasailers in as little time as possible. The sharks don’t attack or harm the humans. They just catch them and let them go.

They wear special braces which soffens their teeth so the humans don’t get hurt.

The real catch:

The way the competition is set up is one shark will be given the whole day to catch as many parasailers as possible. Then the next shark will be given the next day and so on and so on.

Only one shark at a time can have the beach to himself for the day. The competition starts on the first day of summer and ends on the last day of summer. A week after the last day, they announce the winner.

The grand prize is they get to stay in the deepest swimming pool on earth called “Deep Dive Dubai”. The shark gets to have the place to himself for 3 days. He can do whatever he wants. He can mate with as many other sharks as he desires, room service, massage and spa, bottle service, entertainment. Champagne but its premium blood.

Catch That Parasailor Mate:

This summer, 2022 will mark their 100th annual “Catch That Parasailor Mate” competition. It’s a very special year for the sharks.

There have been zero incidents of shark attacks on Lowestoft Beach since 2005. The sharks like to eat fish and other marine life. They do not like to eat humans because it goes against their religion.

If a shark eats a human, he gets the death penalty by leaving him out in the sun suffocationg to death. It’s not something a shark wants to go through.

Mr. Walsh, president of the Catch That Parasailor Competition said,

“This competition is very safe and family friendly. I participated as a parasailor when I was only 5 weeks old. There have only been two shark attack incidents and they deserved it.”

The origin:

The first incident was in 1959, where a high school girl made fun of a shark’s weight. The shark did not like it so he decided to attack her and eat her.

The second incident was in 2005 when a group of drunk fraternity guys went down to the Lowestoft beach and were trying to teach a shark “how to swim correctly”.

The shark obviously did not like this so he attacked all 8 fraternity guys and put it on his social media. The other sharks obviously follow him on social media so they saw it the next morning.

He was given the death penalty.

Walsh later stated, “As long as we dont bother the sharks, they won’t bother us. It is in the contract”

This event is free and a great way to spend the summer and 4th of July with the family. Come on down folks!

Suffolk Liberation Army built a Rod Stewart inspired check post

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Suffolk Liberation Army built a Rod Stewart inspired check post
Rod Stewart

You can see the resemblance, Suffolk liberation army seems to be very inspired by Rod Stewart as they recently built a check post that exactly looks like the British pop star.

Rod Stewart, the British rock star is certainly showing his age with this hairdo. Perhaps he forgot to wash it and decided to give it the bed head style of a hairdo.

All it needs now is a good backdrop and that would fit the bill.

What a combination, a big mouth and a huge set of hair? At least he has his own hair at his age. That must be a bonus! Nice style too.

Some people dream of having a big hairdo just like his. Some people used to think that he even put mayonnaise in it. How gloopy and sticky that must have been? No different to using hair gel but wouldn’t his head start to smell eggy after a while? Maybe he didn’t mind.

There’s no doubt that the man is stylish but why the big hairdo all the time? Maybe he should consider a more modern style? Or is that his USP? People can only recognise him by that perhaps.

Maybe he thinks it makes him more handsome although the latest photos of him suggest he’s tamed it down. Maybe that’s why he has more resemblance to the photo shown!

It’s more of a tamed frizz bomb than a spikey and defined hairdo that promises the earth. It’s been suggested that he spent 4 hours in the barbers to even achieve that sort of look.

Like his hair, it probably needs some taming, considering he’s quite a character with his charisma and charm. He will leave his fans thinking ‘Is he still sexy?’ with his alternative style.

Needless to say:

This is the latest idea of artwork – to photography something that looks like a celebrity.

Whatever next?

Will celebrities be stylised back in the past despite everything moving on?

There are so many options for them to be stylised in the most fantastical way.

Perhaps people prefer boring though and his fans want something more relatable than his flat and frizzed out hair, even though it may take hours on end to sort out and style?

Knuckle duster kept under wraps for pensioners.

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Knuckle duster kept under wraps for pensioners.
Knuckle duster kept under wraps for pensioners.

Ipswich pensioners have armed themselves with the latest ‘knuckle duster’ adapted from their old dentured teeth. This takes the meaning of ‘gummy bear’ to a whole new level.

What an innovative way to aid recycling? That’s one way to re-use them! Pensioners have also been using their own dentures to adapt them into knuckle dusters to scare off other people!

Surely it would scare anyone away with this set of fierce teeth? It can’t be very hygienic though. Imagine all the saliva that has been on them over the years. Imagine trying to keep knuckle duster under wraps? Would you even want to put your fingers near that after many years of use and grossness of all the bacteria and dirt that must be on them after such a long time?

I’m not sure anyone would dare to present them when out and about in town. It surely sends out the wrong message that elderly people need to arm themselves with this type of thing in order to maintain some feeling of safety. It’s a strange choice of item!

Gone are the days of a bit of using a pepper spray or some kind of combat item.
How would a pensioner surely keep this type of item under wraps though? Would they wear it and conceal it under their sleeve, would ladies pop it into their pocket of their handbag for a quick release? Would they brazenly walk about the town wearing them?

It boggles the mind to think what damage this would do to someone if they deployed it in anger or some kind of self defence against someone? Imagine how they would be able to explain why and how they used it if they were to get caught ‘in action’? Maybe someone would just laugh if they saw that thing coming towards them. It’s frighteningly funny and very bizarre as it beggars belief that they would think to use it.

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