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Council apologised after drawing ‘Two Lines around Pothole’

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Council apologised after drawing ‘Two Lines around Pothole’
Council apologised after drawing 'Two Lines on the Dirt'
Council decorates pothole with 2 cute yellow lines

East Suffolk council issued a groveling & insincere apology to local residents after painting double yellow lines around a big pothole. we felt we had to report the story. Apologies.

Who has ever met a conscientious council workman? Perhaps you’re married to one? I doubt it! In my 15 years of reporting for the Suffolk Gazette, I’ve never met one. In my experience, council labourers are lazy buffoons who consider an honest day’s work to be one endless 8 -hour tea break, interspersed with laughable attempts to relay the Sun newspaper’s daily headline, as though they understand it. If it’s not tits and arses, it’s casual, excusable racism, motoring… or football.

Wouldn’t it be good if they could just get on with their work in a timely fashion so that the rest of us don’t have to be waylayed by their unending lackadaisical ineptitude?

Dream on

Take, for example, the dickweeds who were regrettably tasked with painting two straight yellow lines on some tarmac in a run-down neighborhood of Ipswich last Tuesday morning. After turning up six hours late, laden with excessive amounts of bacon sarnies and sausage and onion rolls, and then having a game of cards, and a thirty-minute piss break, the three moronic, beer-gutted slobs finally got their paintbrushes out. Faced with the mild obstacle of a small, 3-foot pothole – completely unresembling the moon craters experienced by the astronauts of Apollo 11 – the working class turds basically gave up. There was no discussion, no consideration, no plan. Just an extra sensory agreement that the problem would be ‘worked around’ rather than fixed. FFS.

This country & Potholes

Not long after the useless workmen departed the scene of the crime against refinishing, the inevitable complaints began to pour into the county council and the office of the Suffolk Gazette. Sadly, we’ve seen and heard it all before, and having accepted that shit council workers are just a normal part of British life, we were reluctant to cover the story.

Good god. When will this nightmare end? We already covered a story where Council filled plants into potholes.

The Welsh walk more quickly than the English

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The Welsh walk more quickly than the English
The Welsh walk more quickly than the English
Fact: The Welsh walk more quickly than the English

A study by boffins at Cardiff University has debunked the long-held belief that the Welsh walk faster than the English.

For centuries, the assumption has been that, due to Wales, the country, being slightly behind the rest of the United Kingdom in most other things, the Welsh would also be slower walkers, but apparently not!

A sample of 150 English, Northern Irish & Scots tourists visiting were studied in various locations across Wales as they walked to shops, across zebra crossings, and up and down welcoming hillsides.

Glamorgan they bargained for

The results of the study came as a complete shock to the University’s social anthropologists who had expected the English to be the fastest walkers, followed by the Scots, then the Northern Irish, and lastly, the Welsh lagging quite a distance behind the rest. However, after slowly walking around the university green double-checking the data, the results were unambiguous. The Welsh are indeed the fastest walkers in the UK.

Welsh walk

The studies were conducted over a three-week period using the ‘catch me if you can’ method whereby a Welsh boffin carrying a clipboard and stopwatch follows an unsuspecting walker having started one-hundred yards behind. The pursuit lasts for five minutes whereafter a final measurement taken by a second boffin determines the distance, and thus the time differential between the follower and the followee, resulting in a definitive ‘walk speed’ comparable with the speeds of walkers of other nationalities. It all quite simple.

Llandudno why?

So what are the reasons for the Welsh walking at superior speeds to the English, Scots, and Northern Irish? We asked the Lead boffin, Dr Gwyneth Griffindor PhD to explain. “Felly, roedd yn hawdd dilyn y Irish because they were walking towards us. Llai hawdd dilyn yr Scots who were going to the pub. Llai hawdd fyth i ddilyn y English who walked quite stiffly but with purpose. O ran dilyn the Welsh, we just couldn’t keep up at all, didn’t we?”

Manic Street Sign Preachers

One unexpected consequence of the study is that the Welsh tourist board has had to spend £65,000 (Welsh pounds) updating the signage throughout the country to warn all tourists that their walks to local shops, cafes, and more, will take at least two minutes longer than it will the locals.

King Charles in Buckingham Palace ‘where you from?’ race row

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King Charles in Buckingham Palace ‘where you from?’ race row
King Charles in Buckingham Palace ‘where you from?’ race row
King Charles

A transcript was released today of a ‘prolonged and unacceptable racist diatribe’ which took place at a Buckingham Palace reception yesterday.

Gzoni Lufani, boss of London charity Waste-a-Space, which celebrates and disowns black and African heritage at the same time, was at the Palace reception to celebrate the achievements of English women who dress up to the nines in culturally African fashions but manage to evade accusations of cultural appropriation – because they are black.

Lufani, an admirer of Princess Meghan Markle of Los Angeles, whom herself sees racism everywhere, released the following transcript of a conversation that she alleges took place between herself and a befuddled, geriatric, royal hanger-on who had probably had a few too many.

Lufani             S’up blood?                

HRH                ‘Er. Yes. It is rather!

Lufani             Y’alright?

HRH                Actually, I was hoping to get out of here ASAP. He he he!

Lufani             Yaah wah handsome man.

HRH                Yaah? Wah?

Lufani             Weh yuh deh from?

HRH                Erm? Where am I from? Erm? Windsor I think?

Lufani             Nuh. Wah part of Windsa yuh from?

HRH                I don’t know. The records were destroyed in the fire.

Lufani             Well yuh muss kno weh yuh from mi spend time inna Hackney weh yuh deh from?

HRH                Well… er… here. The UK. Actually I kind of own the…

Lufani             Nuh Buh wah nationality a you?

HRH                Well, as I said. I am born here and am British.

Lufani             Nuh Buh weh duh yuh really cum fram, weh duh unnu people cum from?

HRH                My people? What is this? Do you mean my fam?

Lufani             Oh mi cyaah si mia gwine ave ah challenge a get yuh tuh seh weh yuh fram.  Wen did yuh fos cum here?

HRH                We’ll let’s see. Papa was from Greece and had something to do with Denmark. Mama, well it’s rather complicated but mama’s great-great-grandmother was Queen Victoria of whose consort, Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, I am a patrilineal descendant, so too of his family, the German princely House of Wettin. But it doesn’t end there. He he he! Through my great-great-grandmother Queen Alexandra, I am descended from the Danish royal House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg, a line of the North German house of Oldenburg, one of the oldest in Europe, don’t you know?

Lufani             Oh Mi kno wi git deh inna end. Yuh ah German!

HRH                Err? Camilla!

Matt Hancock right back where he started

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Matt Hancock right back where he started
Matt Hancock right back where he started
Matt Hancock’s once again in action at I’m a Celebrity

Matt Hancock, who was evicted from I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! in third place. He has told the Suffolk Gazette that the thing he was most looking forward to upon his release was to get his hands back on his girlfriend’s fit ass. And who can blame him?

Pay thousands, get a monkey

The former health secretary was voted out of the competition by millions of Labour and Conservative Party supporters after they tired of seeing him make a monkey of himself in the fake Australian jungle.

Matt Hancock once again

Matt Hancock controversially agreed to appear on the low-brow TV show, not because he was paid £400,000 to do so, but because he ‘wanted to show that politicians are just human beings too.’ This he achieved – successfully demonstrating that politicians are indeed humans, albeit, greedy, deceitful, self-important, attention-seeking, unprincipled versions of human beings. 

In a gross lie, typical of all human politicians, Matt the pratt announced to millions of prospective voters “I love (Ed Sheeran). I’m from Suffolk as well.”, despite the fact that he was born 200 miles away in Chester, Cheshire.

Out of the jungle into the frying pan

After being booted off the moronic light entertainment show,.and having finally felt-up his fit girlfriend Gina Coladangelo’s buns live on the telly, the Right Honourable Wally, Matthew John David Hancock returned home to face the wrath of angry voters. For while the disgraced replica human has been away,.lolling around in the Australian outback being paid through the nose to eat camel’s penis, sheep’s vagina, and cow’s anus, his penniless fellow West Suffolk constituents having been stuck at home, giving birth in hospital corridors, eating dropped Chinese takeaway’s from gutters outside pubs, heating their homes by burning their grannies’ clothes, and fueling their cars with nail varnish remover.

I’m a celebrity, let me back in

It is rumoured that Coladangelo & Matt Hancock are planning a future together as UK TV’s answer to Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz. Based on the reception the two are likely to receive back in Suffolk, they mightn’t have any alternative.

Legendary Seagull ‘73’ honoured

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Legendary Seagull ‘73’ honoured

Seagulls based in Lowestoft, Suffolk formed a guard of honour yesterday for one of their own ‘Seagull 73‘.

In scenes that would look more at home at a Royal Wedding, a solemn parade of fellow gulls, stood in honour atop the solid sea-wall railings in a show of strength and respect for ‘Seagull 73’.

Seagull 73, Lowestoft Squadron

They are the most notorious gull in the area… a legend among the local seaside birdlife. ‘73’ as he is known to his gullfriends and local bird watchers, is believed to be twenty years old – aged by gull standards – but is still the toughest, wisest bird in the skies over The Wash.

Legendary Seagull 73

The legend began when ‘73’ was just a chick. The story goes that his mother gull who was flightless due to an injury to her wing was cornered by an Alsatian dog on a beach near Ness Point. ‘73’, deliberately tumbled out of his cliff-top nest, landed on the ferocious dog’s head, and pecked out both his eyes, saving his mother in the process.

Over the years, ‘73’ has fought off many other dogs, rats, and small children with catapults. He has been hit by cars three times, and run over by the seafront mini-train and still lived to squark the tale.

Mildred admitted to hospital

But it is ‘73’s heroics as a master scavenger that has earned him his position of king of seagulls. According to local twitcher, Bryan Turnipseed, ‘73’ has pulled off some near-miraculous food-theft manoeuvres over the years. “I recall the time, snort, I have to laugh! It was 1992.

I know that because Mildred had gone into hospital that summer for her hip replacement. She couldn’t come to the beach so I would come down on my own… regularly. Anyhow, I had my binos out and I saw him descending out of the sun, apace. It was a sight to behold. He was like a Stuka dive bomber (excuse my German), glorious! I followed him through the binos. The tension was mounting and I was pressing them so hard into my eye sockets it started to bleed, but I didn’t care. I knew something special was about to happen.”

Turnipseed wiped his brow with a Puffin-embroidered handkerchief as he recalled ‘73’s greatest moment. “And boy was I right. I quickly removed my eyes from the bino’s blood-soaked adjustable eye cups to see where he was headed.

I searched around quickly and, predicting his trajectory, my eyes settled on a big fat woman on the promenade. She was like one of those women from a smutty seaside postcard. Her bits were wobbling everywhere as she sauntered along in her flip-flops carrying two 99’s – one in each hand.

She was wearing a straw sun hat and a red polka-dot bikini that was busting at the seams. I couldn’t even see the bottoms as they were wedged so far up her arse. Anyway, I wouldn’t believe what happened next if I hadn’t seen it with my own bleeding eyes…”

Please, just get to the f*cking point…

“Ok, so ‘73’ is almost upon her as I quickly returned the binos to my eyes…”

Legendary Seagull ‘73’ honoured
Seagull 73 squard

The point!

“Yes. So I quickly find ‘73’ in my sights and what he does astounds me. He is inches away from the woman’s rear when he spreads his impressive wings wide and rigid, slowing him down to a virtual stop. He lands deftly on her shoulders and then leans right back like a flipping Romanian gymnast and undoes her bikini top by pulling on the cord with one swipe of his bill. This, of course, makes the bikini top drop to the floor, revealing the fat lass’s massive boobs. She screams out and reaches to cover them, dropping the two ice creams in the process. Insane. I think the ice creams are about to hit the floor when ‘73’ swoops up from in-between her legs, grabs one in each talon, and hits the afterburners, accelerating upwards in a near-vertical ascent. My god, it was just beautiful!”

‘Seagull 73’ can still be seen regularly showing the young gulls how it’s done at Lowestoft and the surrounding areas. We salute you Seagull 73… eyes right!

Crisp fight breaks out in Waitrose

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Crisp fight breaks out in Waitrose
Crisp fight breaks out in Waitrose
Crisp fight breaks out in Waitrose

Officers were called to the Futura Park branch of Waitrose yesterday after gangs of hungry customers fought over limited quantities of packets of crisps.

The Waitrose lunchtime meal deal retails for around six quid, and includes a gourmet sandwich.or wrap, posh drink, and usually a family-size bag of of Tyrells’s potato, veg, or lentil crisps.

However, due to war, famine, Brexit, postal strikes, rail strikes, inclement weather,. the endangered status of the Javan Rhinocerous, institutional racism in the fire service, and England being knocked out of the World Cup (it’s only a matter of time), Tyrell’s crisps have been in short supply, and yesterday were replaced on the shelves with the lower prestige Walker’s brand.

The Walker’s brand, favoured by working-class people, was apparently not deemed an acceptable replacement by the bougie clientele of Waitrose, despite the fact that they were in Ipswich, which they seemed to have forgotten.

Blame it on the Bougie

The trouble started when one particularly stressed-out head teacher of a local primary school,.took her meal deal to the checkout. With Tyrell’s unavailable, she had reportedly taken a bag of Brindisa Torres Spanish Black Truffle Nibbles (£4) as a replacement.

It was when the store assistant pointed out that the Brindisa branded crisps were not part of the meal deal that the shit hit the fan. Throwing the crisps over her shoulder in frustration,.she inadvertently hit another customer – a 6’4” professional wrestler by the name of ‘The Dumptruck’ – on the side of his masked face.

What followed was a classic Laurel and Hardy-style series of misunderstandings and false accusations.replete with violent retaliations ranging from mixed berry trifles (£3.65) being tipped into trousers, baguettes (£1.15) being used as baseball bats, and a seafood platter (£17) peppering a young man’s Jackson 5 style afro.

Here we go again

A spokesman for Waitrose told this reporter “Yes, it’s true. There was an incident in the store yesterday. A number of minor altercations occurred which appeared to be connected to the temporary change in our crisp offerings. We would like to apologize to our customers.for the problems caused which were largely outside of our control, and thank Suffolk Police for its quick response and handling of the situation.

I can confirm that Tyrell’s crisps will be available in store tomorrow.and we will be offering an additional free bag to everyone purchasing a lunchtime meal deal. However, due to the recent announcement of the reformation of The Pussycat Dolls, we must warn customers that our entire range of sandwiches, wraps, and posh drinks will not be available to form part of the deal.”

The territorial army is on standby.

A guide to Bingo calls: Numbers 21 – 40

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A guide to Bingo calls: Numbers 21 – 40
A guide to Bingo calls: Numbers 21 - 40

When it comes to a game of Bingo, whether that be online or down your local Bingo Hall, the number calls are more than often announced alongside a phrase. These phrases differ around the world, allowing countries to create Bingo calls that represent unique things from their country.

With this in mind, we wanted to look at Bingo calls for numbers 21 – 40 in the UK, so the next time you log on to play online Bingo or head down to your local Bingo Hall, you’ll know the number being called by the phrase, before the number itself is called.

Join us in calling numbers 21 – 40.

  • Royal Salute

There are 21 guns fired in a Royal or military salute.

  • Two little ducks

The number two resembles the shape of a small duck; the number 22 looks like two ducks swimming together.

  • The Lord is my shepherd

A biblical reference to the first phrase found in Psalm 23 in the Old Testament.

  • Two dozen

12 is known as dozen. 12 plus 12 is 24, also known as two dozen.

  • Duck and dive

A Bingo call that plays on the resemblance of the two numbers in 25. The two resembles a duck, whereas the five resembles a snake. Not only this, the call rhymes with the number.

  • Half a crown

The UK used to have a currency that included crowns, shillings and sixpences. Half a crown was made up of two shillings and half a sixpence – two and six.

  • Gateway to heaven

Rhymes with 27.

  • In a state

Pays homage to the cockney rhyming slang used within the UK – “he was in a right two and eight”.

  • Rise and shine

Rhymes with 29.

  • Dirty Gertie

Refers to a song sung by soldiers during World War II. Also, a phrase that refers to a bronze sculpture of a naked lady, which was installed in North London in 1927.

  • Get up and run

Rhymes with 31.

  • Buckle my shoe

Rhymes with 32, but also pays homage to a well-known nursery rhyme told in the UK.

  •  Fish, chips and peas

A rhyme that pays homage to a traditional dish served up and down the UK – a fish supper from the local chippy!

  • Ask for more

Rhymes with 34.

  • Jump and jive

Rhymes with 35.

  • Three dozen

Three lots of 12 is 36. 12 is also known as a dozen. 36 is three dozen.

  • More than eleven

Many numbers are more than eleven in a game of Bingo, but this phrase also rhymes with 37.

  • Christmas cake

Pays homage to a cockney rhyming slang term.

  • 39 steps

Pays homage to an iconic British filmmaker – Alfred Hitchcock – with his movie called 39 Steps.

  • Life begins

Refers to the saying ‘Life begins at 40’.

—

With these Bingo calls in mind, will you be trying your chances at the iconic game anytime soon?

Football is coming home. But we’ve moved

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Football is coming home. But we’ve moved
Football is Coming Home. But We’ve Moved
Figure 1 The nation is going football crazy

Kids in the park, jumpers for goalposts. Endearing images aren’t they? We’re all a little football mad right now and the developments in Qatar have meant that the population of England is now utterly convinced that the Three Lions will be returning with the World Cup. Until the team lose against the USA, of course.

The World Cup betting markets have gone into overdrive with everyone and their dog backing the boys to go onto glory. So, with refrains of ‘it’s coming home’ in the air, we thought we would look at the actual chances of England winning the World Cup in Qatar – and what it would mean to the country.

56 Years of Hurt

When David Baddiel and Frank Skinner, came up with their easy-to-sing-a-long-to Three Lions ditty in 1996 they couldn’t have dreamt that the fans would still be chanting the, now outdated, lyrics 26 years later. But the royalties boost every time a tournament comes around has probably softened that blow somewhat.

It is now 56 years of inescapable hurt since England won the World Cup in their own stadium and with the help of a friendly linesman. The merest sniff of a victory in the group stage and the fans get misty-eyed – and, for once, it’s not because of all the teargas in the air after a scrap outside an Irish bar on the continent.

Three Lions on Your Chest

Baddiel and Skinner are always happy when the World Cup is on. But there is another area of industry that rejoices when England qualify for a major tournament. Tattoo artists from Barrow to Barnstaple have been coining it in thanks to the sudden desire of half the population to get ‘inked’.

The famous Three Lions badge is a particular favourite. But just wait until England score the winner in the final in under a month’s time. A quick tutorial on how to tattoo Harry Maguire’s face will be the most viewed video on YouTube and the shirtless majority will be scaring everyone with their new body art in the new year.

Kane Injury Halts Nation

There has been some sombre news out of Qatar this week though. After England dismantled Iran’s defensive unit like an Ikea wardrobe in the first game of the group, all seemed well with Gareth and the boys. But the news that Harry Kane needed a scan stopped everyone in their tracks.

We are still not entirely sure what the problem was but we have been assured by medical experts that it was not to see whether the England captain was pregnant or not. I guess we will have to wait for that kind of good news. Apparently Harry can play against the USA as well now too.

Football is coming home. But we’ve moved
Figure 2 The fans have continued to follow their well-balanced diets

Politicians Inserting Politics Into Football

There is not much more unedifying than the sight of a politician pretending he or she enjoys ‘footy’ while a major tournament is in process. It is always completely obvious that these statements are simply a way to convince the hard of thinking that the politician in question is a man or woman of the people.

Bringing politics into football seems even stranger with this World Cup, as FIFA itself has decided that the best way that it can stop criticism of the host country and keep politics out of the game is to massively go on about the political issues and make itself look even further out of touch. That’s quite an achievement in itself.

How Many Bank Holidays?

We are barely into the first week of the World Cup and the burning question on most England fans’ minds is just how many bank holidays will we get if Gareth Southgate comes home with the trophy on a specially chartered British Airways flight out of Doha?

The way commemorations and celebrations are going, the public could be in for an unprecedented time off work. That will surely be welcomed by almost everyone. But just think of poor Baddiel and Skinner, who will be frantically writing a no more years of hurt song about England actually winning a trophy.

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