Sport

McGoldrick out for 47 years with thigh strain

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By Ulrich Le Pen
Ipswich Town Medical Correspondent

Ipswich striker David McGoldrick will be sidelined for 47 years with his recurring thigh strain, club medics have revealed.

Boss Mick McCarthy had claimed last season’s 21-goal top scorer would be back weeks ago.

But then McGoldrick broke down again in training not once, but 72 times, and McCarthy has to keep changing his story.

Now club doctors have admitted it will be 47 years before the 28-year-old is fit enough to return to the Super Blues, who are pushing for a play-off spot in the Championship.

Thighly improbable: David McGoldrick

Meanwhile, this season’s goal-scoring sensation, Daryl Murphy continues to lead the front line with his new midget strike partner, Freddie Sears – although he’s still a foot taller than Jay Tabb.

A Portman Road insider revealed: “Big Mick had hoped McGoldrick would be back early to boost Ipswich’s promotion push, but he keeps having to admit that the striker has suffered a set back.

“A fresh scan on McGoldrick’s thigh showed it will now be 47 years until he can expect to run out on to the Portman Road pitch again.”

Medical staff have given the former Nottingham Forest and Southampton star a strict diet of hydroponic vegetables to help rebuild his strength while he’s sidelined.

Supporters were devastated about the latest injury shocker. Those Were The Days fans’ forum guru Phil Bacon said: “We never thought we’d say it, but should we bring back Frank Nouble?”

His controversial comment was met with a resounding “No” by the entire population of Suffolk.

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2 Comments

  1. Lavinia Frondescence

    March 30, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Dear Suffolk Gazette

    I read this heart-breaking story and wondered if there was any way we could help David overcome his injury.

    I am involved in an alternative therapy circle with number of ladies here in Orford. We meet late at night and believe in unlocking the power of the unconscious mind using muscular stimulation.

    I am confident that we could make an athlete like David feel like a new man if we were to collectively work on stimulating his thighs. Many of the men in our village have welcomed our therapy and look forward to their regular sessions.

    I am sure that the team would also embrace it once they had seen its transformational effects. Please pass our details on to the club to see if we can help.

    Yours sincerely,

    Lavinia Frondescence

    • The Editor

      March 30, 2015 at 1:58 pm

      Dear Ms Frondescence

      What a lovely gesture. I for one am excited by the thought of your healing hands.

      I shall pass this on to Ipswich manager Mick McCarthy this afternoon, just as soon as I’ve found out how to get to Orford.

      Regards,
      The Editor

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