Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Resurrected Jesus feeds Suffolk’s hungry

Resurrected Jesus feeds Suffolk’s hungry
Resurrected Jesus feeds Suffolk’s hungry

Hallelujah! Jesus Christ has risen again at Joe’s greasy spoon café in Little Livermore, W.Suffolk.

With Easter just around the corner, and with: war in Europe, famine in the north, Brexit, postal strikes,.rail strikes, nurses strikes, inclement weather, the endangered status of the Ghanaian hamster,. institutional racism at the royal ballet, and the never-ending,.ever-upward-spiralling cost-of-living crisis, J.Christ’s reappearance couldn’t have come at a better time for Joe’s downtrodden, over-charged, and ill-educated customers.

In need of all the miracles they can get, knackered diners frequenting the grease-.addled eatery were amazed to find themselves in the presence of the Lord as they tucked into their flat bacon rolls.(£3.99 buttered / £3.59 dry) last Tuesday morning (or was it Wednesday?) Inexplicably, the son of god chose the scruffy, plastic-seated café as his venue of choice for his first public appearance in over two-thousand years.

Bacon Bap(tist)

The lamb of god (2023) from Bethlehem in Palestine, most famous for not eating pork,.surprised the chomping, working-class gobblers of the tiny and irrelevant Suffolk village by revealing himself (themself).from betwixt several rashers of cheap Appleton Farms unsmoked bacon purchased in bulk from Aldi (16oz, £3.99).

Upon being confronted by the presence of the Messiah, regular customer Fat Dave experienced his first epiphany in almost 35 years. He told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE “I am not a Christian, but I do believe there is something else out there in the universe that is bigger than us. At least I hope there is because my life and the lives of everyone else around here are pretty shit. When I saw Jesus H Christ in my bacon roll, I knew that everything I believed in was right, and that basically, the meaning of life was no longer a mystery. Everything made sense. Kind of?”

Prophet or loss

Realizing that this was probably the best opportunity he would get (at least for the foreseeable future) to ask the King of the Jews for a favour (miracle), Dave took the bold decision to do just that. Talking directly to his half-chewed roll, fat builder Dave (37), asked ‘Jez’ if he could tell him what the winning numbers to Saturday’s Lotto would be.

King of Rock’n’Bacon Roll

Replying in a tone of voice that sounded a bit like that used by Elvis when he recorded ‘In the Ghetto’, the light of the world replied “No, my son.”

            “Why not?” asked fat Dave.

“Because you are mistaken, my very fine boy. I am not Emmanuel, Son of David as you all have wrongly assumed, for that is Meshuggeneh. I am, in actual fact, Demis Roussos, he of ‘Forever and ever’ fame, and ex-lead singer of Greek progressive rock band, Aphrodite’s child. Sorry about that, beshert.”

Have you mistaken Jesus for another celebrity in your bacon roll or sandwich? Contact idontbelieveitisjesus@suffolkgazette.co.jerusalem.com

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