ROLLER DISCO, LOWESTOFT – After decades of global hide-and-seek, elusive children’s book character Wally has finally been located. Not on a beach, in a crowd scene, or among ancient ruins, but at Limelight Roller Disco in Lowestoft, Suffolk.

Crime Correspondent: Hugh Dunnett

The stripy-jumpered fugitive was spotted Saturday evening following what eyewitnesses described as “a chaotic but deeply memorable fracas on the rink.” According to staff and startled spectators. Wally – appearing dishevelled and reportedly smelling faintly of alcohol – seized a luminous wristband from a 12-year-old birthday girl before wobbling onto the rink yelling, “Catch me if you can, you c***s!”

“It was surreal,” said skating marshal Dave Pringle. “One moment I’m handing out skates, the next I see this bloke in a bobble hat weaving between toddlers, shrieking like a Poundland Sonic the Hedgehog.”

Children cried. Parents fumbled for phones. One pensioner described Wally’s skating technique as “less coordinated than a drunk flamingo on a frozen pond.”

What a Wally

Wally, beloved by generations for his knack for blending into crowds. He has failed spectacularly to go unnoticed in a venue with flashing lights and exactly zero medieval marketplaces. “He stood out like a vegan sausage at a truck stop,” noted one disco regular.

The incident ended when Wally attempted an ambitious corner turn, collided with a vending machine, and was escorted off the rink by two security guards.

Police were not called, though Wally was reportedly asked to leave “quietly and with dignity.” He complied, but not before signing a novelty banana and yelling “You’ll never find me again, you f*****g b******s!” as he vanished into the car park.

Penguin Books has yet to comment, though sources suggest the next instalment may be titled Where’s Wally? (We Wish We Still Didn’t Know).

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