Disabled parents turned away from Felsham baby shop
Disabled people are so lazy, don’t you think? Well no, of course not, but the owners of ‘Felsham Prams and Baby’ in Suffolk clearly do, if their unwelcoming signage is anything to go by.
A sign perched on top of its clearly inaccessible accessibility lift reads “NOTICE. To use the diabled lift, (sounds like the person who wrote it was disabled) please come upstairs to the buffet & notify a member of staff so that we can turn the power on. Thank you.”
Jesus. It might as well have read “NOTICE. If you’re disabled, fuck off.”
You can just picture the owners discussing it upstairs in the office…
“So look guys, if we leave the spaz lift on all the time it will cost us a fortune in electricity. I mean how many rasperries do we get in here in a year anyway? Can they even have children? I mean come on! FFS! People who use wheelchairs still have arms don’t they? Can’t they just drag themselves up the stairs and shop crawling around on the floor? They must be used to it by now!”
“Agreed. And why do they even need a pram… they’re on wheels already… I know!”
“What?”
“Send them up to the buffet. If they make it that far, when they ask for the lift to be turned on, we can pretend we couldn’t understand what they were saying because we thought their mouths were full of food. Duh-duh-duh-duh.”
“Lol. Yes! Well done, Fred. That’ll work! Right, go and turn the electricity off… and put a sign up.”
The Cheltenham Festival is fast approaching and the odds are constantly fluctuating as punters begin to dip their toes in the choppy, unpredictable waters of ante-post betting.
One race that already looks like a foregone conclusion from a betting perspective is the prestigious Gold Cup, with Galopin Des Champs as short as 13/8 — making the Willie Mullins-trained horse one of the smallest-priced favourites for the Blue Riband race this millennium.
It would be foolish to write off a race as competitive as the feature that easily, however. So, instead of thinking Galopin Des Champs is going to win because the bookies have made him the clear favourite in the Gold Cup odds, let’s look at some of the key trends and stats from the last 12 years to dig a little deeper.
Age
11 of the last 12 winners were aged between seven and nine, with six-year-old Long Run the last horse to buck that trend in 2011. Only two seven-year-olds and as many nine-year-olds have won in the last 12 years too, with eight-year-olds triumphant on seven occasions.
Scratched: Minella Indo, Coole Cody
Race form
Nine of the last 12 Gold Cup victors won on their last outing before the Festival, with the already scratched 2021 winner Minella Indo, defending champion A Plus Tard and shock 2014 outsider Lord Windermere the only exceptions.
Scratched: Stattler, A Plus Tard, Noble Yeats, Protektorat, Fury Road, Sounds Russian, Shishkin, Royale Pagaille, Envoi Allen, Eldorado Allen, Franco De Port, Galvin, Angels Breath, Ga Law
Course and distance form
Race form has scratched a lot of the early entries, so let’s see how the remaining potential runners fare on course and distance form. One of the most important stats thus far is that all of the last 12 winners have had at least one previous run at Prestbury Park. A win at Cheltenham isn’t as key, with just six of the last 12 boasting previous Festival victories.
In terms of distance, all but one of the last 12 winners have had at least two runs over three miles or further and the same number had at least one victory over that distance. To delve a little deeper, eight of the last 12 had at least two wins over three miles or further.
Scratched: Hewick (never had a run at Cheltenham)
Rating
11 of the last 12 winners were rated 164 or higher, which keeps our six remaining early entries — Gaolpin Des Champs (181), Bravemansgame (181), Ahoy Senor (174), Conflated (176), The Real Whacker (164) and Capodanno (164) — in the running.
Grade 1 wins
With the Gold Cup being the most prestigious race there is in jumps racing, it will perhaps comes as no surprise that all of the last 12 winners have won at least one Grade 1. Seven of the 12 have won two, but that’s not enough to scratch a horse on that basis.
Scratched: The Real Whacker
Season runs
Nine of the last 12 winners had at least two runs in the same season, with all but one having won at least once.
Scratched: Capodanno
Fence and hurdle form
While the Gold Cup is, of course, contested over fences, it is interesting to note that all of the last 12 winners had at least four runs over hurdles before going chasing. That sees us say goodbye to Ahoy Senior, who raced just twice over the smaller obstacles — albeit winning both.
In terms of chase form, this is where it gets interesting. 10 of the last 12 winners had at least seven previous runs over fences, which puts a slight doubt besides Galopin Des Champs as the Gold Cup will only be his seventh attempt.
However, all of the last 12 had at least two chase wins and all but one had three wins over fences. The Mullins-trained horse meets those requirements, so we will let him off the fact he hasn’t experienced seven chases.
—
That leaves us with just three potential winners – Galopin Des Champs, Bravemansgame and Conflated. But, considering that just five of the last 12 winners were the favourites and only two were 10/1 or bigger, we’d have to side with Bravemansgame.
Winner: As an eight-year-old with two wins from two this season, six wins in seven chases, three career Grade 1s, a Cheltenham run under his belt, multiple wins over three miles and a rating of 181, Bravemansgame is our Gold Cup winner.
Modern iGaming offers a lot of entertainment; you can get to the poker table right from home and fight with a live dealer or play in a tournament from your mobile. The possibilities of the gambling industry offer everyone to find their hobby and make good money. Australia is undoubtedly the capital of pokies, but what other games do Australians love? Let’s figure out together which card games are popular on the mainland.
Before plunging into the excursion, you can relax while playing online. It is enough to visit Golden Crown, the casino with the widest selection of card games, and winning money is a matter of practice.
History of Playing Cards
History of Playing Cards
Australians love to play cards for fun, whether it’s a country house getaway or just meeting up with old friends. You can meet a group in the park enthusiastically spreading the suits on the table to count the points. The popularity of this entertainment has inevitably led to the emergence of card games on online casino sites. And now, the opportunity to win money on your hobby is available to anyone. So let’s go back to the very beginning, the origin of this game.
The first confirmation of the first game of cards is found in the records of the Tang Dynasty in the ninth century. There is a suspicion that the card’s role in our representation was played by leaves, which later replaced scraps of paper with the transition from scrolls to books.
In Europe, references to maps dating back to the 14th century, having migrated with the Saracens from Arabia. A study of the culture and traditions of North Africa suggests that the cards were mainly used for divination. This wrapped everything with mysticism, with which the laying out of Tarot cards was connected.
Taro
In addition to the basic set, 21 trump cards were added with images of mystical symbols and occult signs. It was customary to consider the Fool image as a blank card. Over time, the need for an additional deck disappeared, by established rules, but an empty card reappeared, already in the form of a Joker. It was used for the popular game of Euchre.
This suggests that the cards’ mystical origin influenced the unspoken rule of playing clockwise in Western European countries since dark magic works in the opposite direction. Ultimately, the magical role of the cards lost its priority, giving way to the game form. The circle of court cards narrowed, leaving only the King, Queen, and Jack.
Varieties of Card Games
Around the 16th century, the colonialists brought their decks and introduced both the standard 52-card format and different mixed variations creating new games and variations of existing ones. The entertainment quickly spread, becoming a popular pastime for all who could cope with the rules. The game for material goods has also taken root, allowing one to exchange food, clothes, and valuables and win them.
The fun began to take the form of modern card games, which, if desired, can be divided into several simple categories:
Comparing Games
Shredding Games
Trick Taking Games
The first category is characterized by playing with a set of cards that allow you to beat the opponent’s cards. The goal is achieved by a winning card in seniority, pairs, or combinations. The best example would be playing Blackjack or Poker.
The second category, on the contrary, focuses on agility and luck. You will need to get rid of all the cards in your hand as quickly as possible to win. A prevalent pastime in fishing villages and on the outskirts of big cities. Games are usually fun and fast-paced. An example is Swedish Rummy.
The third type is distinguished by its enthusiasm. After all, players are allowed to play cards from the deck and turn them over on the table. The so-called trick implies that when one plays a particular card, the opponent can either draw a card from the deck or play their own. The rules may vary, forcing you to play as many cards as possible to score points or, on the contrary, try to throw everything out of your hand.
In this game type, there is a bidding stage before the start and the presence of trump cards or a suit that replaces them. A simple Bridge example.
Australian Gambling Laws
Unfortunately, to the IGA status decision all virtual gambling establishments are prohibited on the mainland for Australians. This is true for all online casinos that have not received a local permissive license, which is complicated by the fact that they are not issued there. Otherwise, you can safely visit land-based casinos for your favorite game.
For example, those sites registered under the jurisdiction of Curacao or the MGA can skip gamers from Australia without any problems. Moreover, gambling establishments often offer unique casino card games, especially for Australians, to attract an audience.
Australian Online Casino
Australian Online Casino
Use the possibilities of interactive entertainment to the fullest. Online casino games offer much more freedom than traditional establishments. And it’s not just that you can join the party at any convenient time on your tablet. Special offers of virtual casinos allow you to enjoy the game with an advantage.
The main types of rewards when playing online:
Welcome Bonus
Allows you to enter the game with an existing wagering balance or free spins
Deposit Bonus
Allows you to receive additional funds for bets with each replenishment of the account
Reload bonus
Updates promo offers at a specific time
Cashback
Return part of the lost money at the expense of the percentage of return of funds specified in the rules according to the number of bets
Conclusion
Australians are not only very original but also reckless. With thousands of casino games, they prefer card games to all others. The game of Poker has no competitors at the user’s table from Australia. The only restriction in gambling leisure is a ban on gambling under the age of 21.
A ‘chocolate dove from above’, whom some believe may actually be the Lord Jesus Christ in a bird costume, has blessed a Suffolk budget supermarket. Praise be!
That’s the ‘belief’, at least, of a congregation of unscientific shoppers who popped into Singhsbury’s convenience store in Ipswich to purchase dozens upon dozens of religious eggs.
Fundamentalist fanatics filing
With Easter fast approaching (Sun, Apr 9, 2023), hordes of fanatical, chocolate-loving Christians filed through the confectionary aisle at the slightly scruffy-looking budget store run by local trader, Barry Singh, to witness the miracle of what some are describing as ‘the chocolate dove from above’
Hebrew Whispers
The Holy Bible (King James Version, £7.99 @ Amazon) tells its readers in Verse 3:16, that someone called Matthew told someone else, who wrote down “And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him.”
So there we have it. Undeniable proof that Jesus a.k.a. ‘God’ did indeed come down from heaven dressed as a dove, landed in Ipswich, and sat atop a box of Cadbury’s Caramel eggs. It’s a miracle!
God is real
Local fundamentalist parson who is a regular customer of a budget supermarket,. the Right Reverend Robert Bandicoot Q.C. and Bishop of Newmarket told this reporter “See! It is a miracle! We’ve been telling everyone around here for years that Jesus is a real person and that God is a real thing, but nobody believed us.
Now what do they have to say, eh? EH?” Asked if he had seen the dove (W.C. ‘small white pigeon’) himself, the Rev told us “Yes… and touched it.
And it spoke to me.” Really? “Yes.” What did it say? “Erm, it said, that I am doing a really great job as Bishop, that God Loves me, and that he knows where the £2,600 that’s gone missing from the ‘fix the cathedral roof fund’ is, and that it is being used for good, and that its nothing to do with me. Me. Not him.”
In other news…
In other news. Heartless, thieving vandals masquerading as animal rights activists have raided Ipswich pet shop, ‘Pussies Galore’ causing hundreds of pounds worth of damage to, mainly, cages.
A small quantity of stick insects was stolen, and a cat was placed upside down in a horse trough, and smothered with fibrous hamster bedding. Also, a plethora of birds was deliberately freed from their cages, including… wait for it… six small, white pigeons.
Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ targets Suffolk streets
Pothole art avenger ‘Wanksy’ is targeting the streets of Suffolk after his successful campaign in the north of England.
Armed with only a can of spray paint and a hard-on for social justice. The Mancunian man of mystery is single-handedly taking-on the Highways Agency.and local councils, fighting the good fight to make the many un-car-worthy roads of Britain… well… car-worthy.
Like fellow renegade street artist, Bristolian Banksy, Wanksy uses ninja-style tactics to adorn the tarmac of Britain’s shitty roads.with grafitti’d schlongs, cocks, nobs, peckers, boners, tadgers and willies. His rebel art is designed to highlight dangerous potholes and fissures in the road,.forcing councils into quick repairs… and it works! One pothole which had been left to destroy the tyres, rims and axles of innocent motorists for EIGHT MONTHS,.was repaired within 48 hours of Wanksy spraying the area with a trademark spunking cock.
Suffolk councillors chew-over big cocks
We managed to track down Wanksy as he knocked one out on Risbygate Street in Bury St Edmunds. We asked the hooded gonad guerilla about his choice of the male member as his subject matter. He told us “I spray dicks because they capture people’s attention. Potholes cause untold damage to vehicles and sometimes accidents as people swerve to avoid them. It’s a bloody disgrace, Most people don’t see the holes until its too late, but after I’ve had my tool out and sprayed the area, people can easily see my cock coming.”
Wanksy’s cock keeps popping up all over Suffolk, and as a consequence, the county council has been forced to act swiftly to disguise the pornographic art. Whereas the council feels it can ignore potholes that have not been highlighted by Wanksy, they have been forced to fill the holes with a cock.
Why not join Wanksy in his creative car-care crusade? Send us a pic while you’re at it! All you have to do is go into the street after dark, find a hole or crack you like the look of, and take a selfie of you sticking a big cock in it!
Regular readers of the SUFFOLK GAZETTE will recall how we reported on a local old person who mistook some birdshit on her car windscreen for a Chinese spy balloon. Well now, the same demented old crone has told us how this time, she spotted the northern lights illuminating the Suffolk night sky.
The northern lights – a natural phenomenon caused by solar flares erupting on the Sun – are usually one visible from Scotland and other strange foreign countries, but over the past week, they have been thrilling insomniacs across East Anglia.
Mary Delaney (81) from Kettlebaston, W.Suffolk told us:
“Hello. What’s that luv? A what? Rory’s bored at his auntie’s? Is he?”
No. Aurora borealis. You said you saw it?
“Oh, yes. Silly me. I get confused you see, dear.”
We know. Did you see it or not?
“Yes… yes. I saw it alright. It was about 3am – in the morning. I was watching some taped episodes of Wogan on the telly. It was the one where…”
Stop! The northern lights. What did they look like?
“Oh. Well it was the one with Rod Stewart where he asked Terry to swap seats so the camera could catch his good side, and I looked out the window, and there it was. Well, I can tell you, it was the most wonderful thing I had ever seen – well, apart from when I saw Joe Longthorne do Shirley Bassey at the Blackpool Grand in 1986. Masterful.”
Jesus. Will you tell us about the lights… PLEASE?
“OK, luv. Hang on a minute, my daughter’s calling me… Aaargh, I get so confused when I have two calls at the same time. Hang on… Margaret? Oh well. She’s gone. What was it, luv?”
FFS. The northern lights.
“Oh, yes. I was looking out of the window with Wogan on in the background, and the lights. Oooh, the lights, they lit up the sky, they did. A beautiful pink colour. A very vibrant, luminous pink, spread all across the sky. It was… it was… it was…”
Dazzling?
“No. It was…”
Spellbinding?
“No. It was…”
Breathtaking?
“No. It was…”
What then?
“It was… pink.”
FFS. Then what happened.
“Well, that’s the funny thing. I like to eat sausage rolls when I’m watching telly in bed you see., Y’know, Greggs ones. I won’t eat any of the other shit the supermarkets make. I eat ‘em even though they’re not good for me. It’s the wind. Indigestion. Its crippling. So what I do is, I drink Gaviscon. Ooooh do I drink Gaviscon?! Ha ha ha!”
What does Gaviscon have to do with it?
“Well, I’m a bit old you see, dear, and I live in a bit of a hovel. Its not exactly tidy around here. Its a little bit of a mess. Margaret says she’s going to write to Hoarders. You know… that telly series about mentally ill people living in mountains of their own shit that they cant throw away. That’s me! So like I say, I get in a bit of a messy muddle sometimes and that’s when it happened.”
When what happened?
“Well, I was glugging on the Gaviscon, standing at the window, looking at the northern lights when I noticed that the lights were dripping a little.”
Dripping?
“Yes, dripping… a little. So I thought ‘that’s strange’, so I looked a bit closer. I leaned in to the window pane. I could smell something and the lights were definitely dripping. So I put my finger on the window pane and dragged it across the lights. Then, I sniffed my finger and then licked it.”
Good God. What was it?
“Gaviscon. It was GAVISCON! That’s when I remembered… the pink lights weren’t the northern lights at all. They were the Gaviscon that I had coughed over the window the night before! What am I like?”
‘Late’ Jack McGraw, the infamous 18th Century pirate, miraculously reappeared with his ship, The Abeyance, on South Beach in Lowestoft on Tuesday, 314 years after going missing, presumed lost at sea.
Stunned onlookers milling around Triton’s statue on the Esplanade,.stood aghast as the maidenhead of The Abeyance gradually came into view through the thick,.grey mist rolling off the North Sea. Weighing anchor, and disembarking into a launch, the ghostly figure of Late Jack rowed effortlessly to the beach,.before stepping onto dry land for the first time in over three centuries.
Two pirates of the Caribbean
In the decade between 1709-1720, McGraw, Blackbeard, and… err?… some other not-so-well-known pirates,.terrorised the hapless seafarers who dared venture into the Caribbean Sea betwixt the islands of the West Indies,.and the eastern coast of North America.
McGraw, who was born in 1685 in the seaside town of Pakefield, East Suffolk,. never gained the enduring notoriety of legendary pirating superstar, Blackbeard,.due to the fact that he was always late to the plundering of the bountiful vessels he pursued.– usually catching up with them a few hours after Blackbeard had made off with the booty (hence the nickname ‘Late’ Jack McGraw). And whereas top seadog, Blackbeard used to burn candles in his beard to terrify and disorientate his victims,.Jack’s chosen method of intimidation was to board ships with a betwattled seagull tied to the ends of his long, tangled, white hair, creating pandemonium as it shat and squawked over all and sundry. All this while Jack searched in vain for a few measly, remaining pieces of eight.
Better late than never
To gasps of incredulity, Late Jack, staggered along the pebble beach, carefully sidestepping modern,.never-before-seen twisted fag butts and rusty drinks cans. A small crowd, including children playing with plastic cutlasses, gathered, as he crunched his way towards the nearby Jolly Sailors pub and restaurant (Coley wrapped In Parma Ham, with wild mushroom & gnocchi cream – £17). Kicking the door open with the sole of his thigh-length pirates’ boots, Jack stumbled into the pub, causing customers to retreat in terror. After surveying his surroundings, the salt-dried, sea-bandit approached the bar and clobbered it with the yin of his fist. A cloud of dust, salt, and seaweed particles puffed into the air, causing the barman to cough and wipe his eyes.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrr,” mumbled Jack, as he gestured with a long, boney, emerald-ringed finger towards a bottle of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum on the shelf opposite.
“Sorry. We’re just about to close,” replied the barman.
Veteran Russian funnyman, Vladimir Putin, has delivered a state of the nation stand up routine at the Assembly.
Working men’s club in the Russian capital, Moscow, telling gags, some blue, about the ‘special military operation’ which has been ongoing in Ukraine for a year.
There was more coughing than applauding as comrade Putin – Russia’s answer to Jim Davidson – took to his feet amidst the clinking of pint glasses and the rowdy hubbub coming from the crowded bar area. Cries of ‘Na Zdorovie’ from a few old Communist party stalwarts floated across the cigarette smoke-filled auditorium towards the pinko comic who, right from the start of his set, seemed overly-reliant on his lecturn to keep his balance.
Holding a lit cigarette in the same hand as his microphone, the totalitarian titillator opened with a characteristic one liner about a Jewish Nazi from Ukraine who wanted to take over the world. He followed this with a burst of quickfire wisecracks about NATO sending military jets and heavy weaponry to Ukraine before he did, and how he was not attacking the people of Ukraine, but rather, freeing them! Hoot.
U.S.S.R having a laugh
An hour into his big night at the Assembly Putin had them eating out of his (shaking) hand. The gags were coming quick and fast, and no subject was off limits. To shrieks of laughter that would have made Ricky Gervais envious, Putin mocked the Anglican Church’s plans to consider the idea of a gender-neutral God. “Millions of people in the West understand they are being led to a real spiritual catastrophe.” he remarked as one party official literally rolled off his chair holding his sides to prevent them splitting.
Then Putin’s speciality blue material kicked-in. Ridiculing the west for its declining moral standards, he brought the house down as he joked “Look at what they do to their own people: the destruction of families, of cultural and national identities and the perversion that is child abuse all the way up to paedophilia, are advertised as the norm… and priests are forced to bless same-sex marriages.”
C.C.C.P-ing their pants
The balding hootmeister brought the marathon gig to an end after two gruelling hours onstage with his final, masterful gag: “Russia will meet any challenges because we are all one country, a big and united nation. We are confident in ourselves and confident in our strength. The truth is on our side.” Cue mass meltdown. The entire auditorium, its air thick with the smell of vodka and urine, descended into fits of hysterics. Actual screams of laughter competed with loud uncotrollable belly laughing as Putin traversed the stage fist pumping assorted Cossacks, Mongols, and Siberian Tatars, and kissing beautiful, albeit planted, Ukranian farm girls.
There is no doubt that after ten years at the top, Putin is still the master at making the whole world laugh.
Vladimir Putin’s Ukranian tour dates culminating at the Lesya Ukrainka National Academic Theater in Kyiv are yet to be released.
