A clean clothes-obsessed pervert dubbed ‘the clothes-line cusser’ has been terrorising residents in the Culford area of Suffolk.
The washing-line weirdo, who has been active since January, uses ninja style-tactics to enter gardens undetected before re-arranging the clothes hanging on washing lines until their shadows spell out vulgar profanities.
In the 1970’s, it wasn’t unusual to find a complete stranger in your garden, hanging around the washing line, sniffing your wife’s knickers – especially in Suffolk, but the clothes-line cusser has taken garden-based deviancy to a whole new level.
Keep it clean
Victim, Lorraine Fisher – 34 who lives with her husband Dmitri (24) at No.36, Benyon Gardens told this reporter, “Well, it was all such a shock. I mean, Dmitri & I, we’re not exactly angels, and it’s not like we don’t use the occasional expletive around here. Dmitri calls the cat ’Bell-end” for a kick-off, lol!
But when I went out into the garden and saw the word ‘benders’ sprawled across the lawn in shadow, well I was a little cheesed-off, to say the least, although I was impressed with the way the culprit had curled a pair of my leggings in an ‘e’ shape and held them in place with some intricate peg work.”
Big hair salon
Nearby neighbour, Julie Cressingham (21), a trainee hairdresser at the Hair Grande salon on Ingham Road, also fell victim to the laundry lunatic when he rearranged her clothes to spell out the words ‘bastard haircut’.
An upset Julie told me how she felt violated by the intrusion onto her premises. “Who the f*ck does this perv think he is? And what does the message even mean? I am doing very well at the salon thank you very much, and I have a lot of very satisfied customers. Bloody cheek!” Police have issued an image of the person they want to speak to in connection with sixteen alleged incidents of trespass to goods, and trespass to land.
Search engine optimisation (SEO) service providers in the UK and the rest of the world are anticipating a tectonic change. The rise of various artificial intelligence (AI) tools is sending shockwaves to the SEO community. After ChatGPT comes a host of other AI-powered tools that are set to change the way optimising websites for search engines is done.
Diminished search engine relevance
One of the worries about AI chatbots that can provide quick answers to questions is the reduced use of search engines. SEO companies exist because of search engines. If some users ditch Google and other search engines in favour of ChatGPT or other AI chatbots, SEO businesses will have to adjust their services.
If this happens, SEO packages will likely change. Instead of mostly optimising websites for search engines, SEO companies will do more answer engine optimisation (AEO). This is a sub-field of SEO that focuses on making sure that a client’s content or product page becomes the answer used by an AI chatbot. However, the rise of AEO does not necessarily mean that SEO will lose relevance. It is unlikely for websites and the need to optimise them to become unnecessary. Nevertheless, the approaches will be tweaked to suit changing needs.
Job changes
In relation to the changing SEO landscape, there is a possibility that some jobs may change, or downsizing may occur. With AI now capable of churning out keyword-optimised articles at a rapid pace, SEO writers will have to upskill to assume new roles.
This impact on SEO jobs may not materialise if search engines, Google in particular, make it a policy to reject AI-generated content. This does not appear to be the case, though, as Google announced its new stand on AI content. Previous discussions suggest that the search engine giant is against AI articles. However, Google has clarified that it will not ban AI-written content as long as it is created for people, not machines.
DIY SEO
With AI tools now capable of doing many things proficiently, there is also the possibility that businesses will engage in DIY SEO. Instead of relying on companies to do it for them, they can use AI-powered solutions to do things on their own. There are many free tools available, and they can usually deliver decent outcomes.
However, the fear of DIY SEO killing an entire industry may be overblown. Just because free AI tools are available does not mean companies will use them and use them effectively at that. Many free powerful social media marketing tools are available today, but they have not driven social media marketing companies to extinction. Similarly, there is a long list of free DIY website building platforms, but they did not make web developers jobless.
Silver lining
The changes AI brings to SEO do not necessarily infer adversity. They can even serve as opportunities to evolve. The emergence of AI tools helps SEO companies work faster and smarter. They will compel companies to adapt and employees to learn new skills to handle tasks that require more critical and creative thinking. They can oversee the use of AI tools to ensure that the output stays in line with established standards. Some can shift to jobs that require more human engagement.
Artificial intelligence definitely has an impact on SEO. It is not an overreaction that SEO companies are preparing for the changes. There is a need to anticipate the disruption and keep an eye on new opportunities. Change is inevitable, and coping can be challenging. However, there is no reason to treat the growing prominence of AI as the advent of doom for SEO and other industries.
A child was crushed at the museum after he threw M&M at a giant 163 million old Dinosaur’s skeleton.
The phrase ‘It went out with the dinosaurs’ is often heard said in progressive circles in reference to outmoded, out-of-date ideas or concepts. In Suffolk, there is a different phrase: ‘It’s coming in with the dinosaurs.’
This was proved literally true, last Tuesday when the skeleton of a 163 million-year-old Cetiosauriscus (see-tee-oh-SORE-is-kuss) or ‘whale lizard’ escaped from the natural history museum on the back of a Victorian coal truck. Yes, we know this sounds unbelievable, but it is 100% true. Honestly! (ahem!)
Child’s nuts crushed
According to eyewitnesses present in the museum at the time of the escape, the Cetiosauriscus, nicknamed ‘Couch Potato’ by staff (‘settee o’ sore arse ‘cos’) awoke from its trans-epoch slumber after a small child threw a peanut m&m at him. It seems the feral child’s delinquency was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Visitors to the museum fled in terror as the 15m dino broke free of its supports and began to thunder towards the exit. Reports say the child who threw the m&m was crushed underfoot as his mother watched on in horror. Shame.
One shit one’s pants
Having crashed through the exit, sending brickwork and timber hurtling out onto Cromwell Road. Couch Potato ripped a large common lime tree from the pavement,.tore off its canopy with his teeth, and munched on it like a lefty vegan would a floret of organic broccoli.
The origin
Realising that he would need transport to get back to his ancestral Suffolk home,. the fleshless sauropod, last seen roaming the streets of London in the cretaceous period of history,.legged it down the Brompton road, past Harrods (causing Princess Anne to drop the fresh cream cakes.she’d just bought), along Piccadilly (using a couple of red buses as rollerskates).
Then jumped over Buckingham Palace with a deafening roar (to those who couldn’t hear it),.before thundering up The Mall snacking on more trees along the way. After knocking over Nelson’s column and trampling at least seventy;.Italian, Spanish, Japanese, and American tourists on his way through Trafalgar Square.
Poor animal
The homesick Diplodocoidea arrived at the Transport Museum in Covent Garden. Sniffing curiously at the museum’s façade,.Couch (seemingly having found what he was looking for) rose up on his hind legs,.and with a God-almighty crash, brought his comparatively dwarf-like front legs down onto the roof of the museum causing it to collapse in a cloud of shattered wood, brick, and asbestos.
The terror
The screams of women and the shouts of men (there weren’t any transgenders in the museum that day).could be heard from inside the museum as the desperate dinosaur reached in,.grabbed a 19th Century coal truck, and removed it onto the street. Using the vintage, soot-stained jalopy as a skateboard, dippy Couch, set off towards the A13 on his way back home.
Latest reports say that Couch was last seen explaining how the combustion engine works to a couple of farmers outside a pub in Copdock, near Ipswich.
Are you from Suffolk? Have you seen Couch Potato or any other modern phenomena around where you live? Why not have a look out of your window?
A pair of cocky cockatoos were captured by Zoo management for swearing at visitors and then laughing with each other.
Don’t you just hate a cocky parrot? I know I do.
There’s nothing worse than having your long-planned family visit. to the wildlife park spoiled by a gobby psittacine taking the piss. That’s what happened at Africa Live Zoological Reserve last week,. when Brian Whitfield took his family to explore the wonders of a variety of African flower and fauna in Kessingham, Suffolk.
Brian (60), who knows almost nothing of zoology, had taken the day off from his work.as a hydraulic water pump engineer, to take his wife. Michelle (50, of no fixed address), and children, Brian Jnr (13), Brian Jnr Jnr (9),.and Ermintrude (3) to see their favourite captive wild animals roam around the scruffy and unconvincing Africa-themed park. “I loves… what are they called again? Erm… oh yeah, animals. I loves animals but I dunno much about ‘em or what they’re called or nuffin’, so I thought,.‘let’s go and see what this animal kingdom is all abart, then.’ So we did.”
Did somebody say ‘just eat’?
After searching fruitlessly for a glimpse of an actual animal within the various enclosures,.and realizing that none of his family had the patience to actually read the information provided on the different species,.Brain decided it was time for lunch. After a short argument concerning where they should sit, the family settled down at a rickety bench positioned on a grassy incline near an overflowing litter bin and began to tuck into their Aldi meal deals.
Suddenly (for it was sudden), their delicious lunches were interrupted by the words “F*ck you,.and the mobility scooters you came in on!”, followed by some screeching laughter and the feverish squawking of what sounded to Brian like overstimulated parrots. “Yeah, go on… f*ck off, f*ck off, f*ck off.” continued the unwelcome and intrusive interruption.
Elephant spotted at zoo
Turning around with her mouth still full of Wotsits, Michelle (who isn’t skinny) was flabbergasted to see two African grey parrots (according to the info plaque), perched on a tree branch, nodding at one another and gesturing towards her with their wings.
Before Michelle could fully masticate the cheese flavoured corn puffs she, up until that point, had been enjoying, the second of the birds came with “Wotsit look like? Wotsit look like?”, to which the first replied, “Nellie the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus!”, followed by both birds hopping up and down in amusement, squawking maniacally, and high-fiving one another with their articulate wings.
Cocky Cockatoos Captured
Brian Jnr Jnr, overwhelmed with the abuse his mummy was being subjected to, started to cry, while Ermintrude found the whole thing highly entertaining, clapping her hands and screaming “f*cking birds! F*cking birds!” at the top of her voice.
Before long, park staff had arrived with a large butterfly net and quickly went about capturing the pair of cocky cockatoos.
“What amazed me…” said Brian later, “…was that birds from Africa could speak English so well! Huh!”
NOTICE: No parrots were harmed during the writing of this story.
“Hey Up! Welcome to the exciting world of online gambling! Are you a newbie who’s ready to roll the dice and win some easy cash?” Hold up; let me stop you right there. Because this marks the first mistake most novice punters make: thinking of gambling as a source of cash.
Online casinos are gaining popularity in the UK at an unprecedented rate. Every day, hoards of new casino accounts from around the UK are being created, and a vast chunk of them are from new players who’ve never played online casino games before.
Unfortunately, a large section of these players either face heavy losses or get scammed, which can be rounded up into a few simple mistakes. Here are some online casino habits that you should avoid, no matter your expertise and experience.
Costly Gambling Habits that Every Gambler Should Avoid
According to sources, 32.65 million new online gambling accounts have been registered in Great Britain between April 2021 and March 2022. That’s a huge number considering that most of these are from players with zero experience playing in an online casino. Let’s look at some costly tendencies seen in most newbies.
Starting with High-Stake Games
Congratulations on your first win! It really is a thrilling experience to win money through gambling. However, you should control your excitement at this point, because this is where most novices go for high stake games allured by the big rewards.
Gambling depends on luck for the most part. So don’t jump to high-stake games right away, because as high as the payout may seem, the loss is also that big. Play small hands and get to know the games. The rewards might come, but mostly with experience.
Bonus Hunting
Most online casinos offer mouthwatering bonuses to attract new players. However, most don’t know that bonus hunting can lead to hefty losses in the long run.
The bonuses offered by online casinos always have some “buts” to address. That huge bonus is not as attractive when you learn that you can only withdraw it after depositing and wagering a minimum amount which may be high.
Remember, casinos offer bonuses for their benefit, not yours. Be extra careful and read the conditions before jumping in for a bonus offer. It could be good, if you claim that bonus and are lucky enough to cash it out in the end. But claiming every promotion that comes your way will only be an expensive affair.
Ignoring the T&C
Every casino has a unique set of terms and conditions, and most beginners just click on the “I have read the terms and conditions” button and skip ahead. Don’t be one of them.
Take the time to read the whole page and make sure you understand the rules clearly because not heeding them can lead to unpleasant surprises later.
Not Researching Casinos
In most cases, the most reputable casinos are the best ones. But if you have other casinos in mind or come across an attractive promo deal, don’t jump head-first into it. Look around on the internet. There are many casino comparison sites that will help you gain a clear idea of the reliability, usability, and convenience factor of a casino.
Some More Common Novice Mistakes Before We End:
Chasing lost money.
Playing without setting a budget.
Not considering wagering requirements before accepting bonuses.
Taking losses personally.
Online gambling is meant to be an enjoyable experience. But if you fail to follow the necessary precautions and let your excitement get the best of you, you’re in for some frustrations. Remember to always gamble responsibly.
A cosy bedroom is excellent for relaxing and unwinding after a long day. Whether you’re redecorating your room or just looking for some simple changes, there are plenty of ways to make your bedroom more inviting and restful.
For example, you can ditch cool light for warm light, create a nook for reading, and introduce soft, welcoming textures instead of scratchy and hard surfaces. Here are 10 ideas to make your bedroom cosier and more inviting:
1. Invest in a comfortable bed and mattress.
Invest in a bed that is stylish and large enough for how you sleep – the last thing you want is a bed that looks out of place with your décor or isn’t big enough.
A good mattress and comfortable bedding are also essential in creating a restful environment. Consider a pocket spring mattress for optimal comfort and support, or go for a hybrid mattress if you enjoy both foam and springs.
Pictured: Birlea Mayfair 4 Drawer 5FT Kingsize Fabric Bed Frame. Available from Bedstar.
2. Add rugs for softness.
Carpets are a great way to add a layer of warmth and comfort to a room, especially if you have wooden flooring or exposed floorboards.
You can use area rugs to define spaces, while faux sheepskins and other textures can add a welcoming and cosy feel to your bedroom.
3. Create an inviting seating area.
A comfortable seating area in the bedroom can be a great place to curl up and relax somewhere different to your bed.
Chairs, sofas, or loveseats are ideal choices for couples. Add an array of pillows to make the area even more inviting and an overhead lamp to make reading easy.
Pictured: Luxury bedroom with seating, natural lighting, rug and TV.
4. Add warm lighting.
Warm lighting is essential in creating a cosy atmosphere, so we recommend buying dimmable lighting with warm white light bulbs.
Add lamps for ambient lighting or string up fairy lights for a touch of magic – you can hang these from walls and ceilings on hooks.
5. Add plants for a touch of nature.
Incorporating houseplants into your bedroom design can create a vibrant and natural atmosphere, helping you feel like you are in nature.
Choose plants that thrive in lower light levels and won’t shed leaves, such as Ginseng bonsai and Hoya plants, for windowsills.
Pictured: Bedroom plants, bring nature into the bedroom to create a calming environment.
6. Use soft furnishings for welcome vibes.
Fluffy blankets and cushions will add comfort and warmth to your bedroom, especially when layered on seats.
Choose lighter colours or warmer hues, depending on your preference, and don’t be afraid to mix fabrics to match your personality.
7. Hang curtains.
Thick, lined curtains are great for blocking out light and adding insulation, and they can easily be pulled back to create an open, airy space.
You can also add a roller blind or vertical blind behind your curtains to reduce light levels and provide privacy during the day.
8. Add textures you find pleasing.
Layer different textures and materials to create a warm and inviting atmosphere. Consider materials such as velvet, denim, and fur for added interest.
Weaved textiles, faux furs, crushed velvet, distressed woods, antique metallics, and bumpy surfaces are all great ideas for bedroom texture.
9. Add unique décor.
Personalise your bedroom with unique and interesting pieces that reflect your style, and group items together to create an eclectic feel.
You can find unique bedroom décor at charity and antique shops, car boot sales, or quirky online marketplaces like Etsy.
Pictured: Eclectic style bedroom interior.
10. Accessorise
Accessories are a great way to complete the look. Consider wall art, candles, books, vases, and trinkets to create a cosy, lived-in ambience.
Also, don’t be afraid to add shelves and overhead storage to house more accessories – after all, your bedroom should be a personal space.
Following these 10 simple tips, you can quickly transform your bedroom into a warm and inviting space. Whether you’re looking for an easy refresh or a complete makeover, these ideas will help you create a cosy bedroom to relax and unwind.
A Gary Lineker fan & lovesick housewife from Peasenhall, E.Suffolk has only gone and eaten a crisp worth £100k!
Joanne Craddock (28), a trainee bone washer at Pedigree Chum, unknowingly ate a rare heart-shaped crisp that could have won her £100k as part of a promotional competition being run by Walkers Crisps. Walkers dangled the cash prize in front of British potato chip consumers in a blatant attempt to recoup massive losses incurred in the wake of the ‘Gary Lineker is an entitled gobby Pratt’ scandal that recently engulfed the BBC and brought the popular snack brand into disrepute.
Benefit Cheetos
Singleton Craddock – a Gary Lineker fan whose body mass index is 42.1 – way above the healthy average of 20, was so amazed to find the perfectly shaped crispy delight in her packet of Cheese and Onion that she photographed it and sent it to an unemployed friend… before stuffing it into her gob.
We spoke to fatty Craddock (Gary Lineker fan) as she tucked into a king-size bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos on a break from her shift at Pedigree Chum. We asked her how gutted out of ten she was to have eaten a cash fortune. “Mnya, nya, yum, chna, yum, chomp, chomp, slobber, BUUUURP!”
Okay. So you didn’t know there was a competition on to find the elusive crisp? “Nyaa, slobber, slurp, chomp, chomp, gobble, mnya, glak, BELCH!”
So… out of ten? How gutted? “Mnya.”
Leicester said the better
We contacted Gary Lineker to see what he had to say about it. “As everyone knows, I have a long-standing, well-paid relationship with Walkers, and they have supported me and my campaign to feed illegal immigrants, sorry, economic migrants, sorry, asylum seekers crisps.
Crisps are, let us not forget, made of potatoes, which, let us not forget, we wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for immigrant vegetable pickers, sorry, I mean economic migrants, sorry, I mean asylum seekers, and those fleeing war in Ukraine. Did I tell you I have a Ukrainian refugee living with us?
Gary Lineker fan
Oh, I did, did I? Okay. Anyway, let us not forget that crisps are hard to come by in third-world countries, which is why economic migrants, sorry, I mean illegal immigrants, sorry, sex-slaves, come here for sanctuary in order to eat crisps without fear of torture, or persecution for their crisp beliefs. Did you know that it is illegal to eat Bacon Wheat Crunchies in Albania?”
We only wanted a comment about the heart-shaped crisp, Gary, ffs.
A spokesman for Walkers told the GAZETTE “We are really sorry that Miss Craddock (Gary Lineker fan) missed out on the £100k. Really, really sorry. Kind of.”
