ISLINGTON, LONDON – Sir Keir Starmer, leader of the Labour Party, has opened a spit’n’sawdust boozer in Islington called ‘The Labour Pub’.
However, it seems that the pub’s promotional tactics are straight out of Starmer’s political playbook. The exterior of ‘The Labour Pub’ proudly boasts promises that appeal directly to working-class voters.– “Free Beer!” and “Topless Barmaids!” – but as the core vote quickly discovers.
The pledges are about as trustworthy as the Labour leader’s campaign promises.
Upon entering the pub, patrons are met with a cheerful bartender who greets them with a wink and a nod. Assuring them that “free beer” will be offered shortly – just as soon as they can locate the correct barrel. And as for the “topless barmaids” pledge, it turns out to be a ‘lawyery’ play on words. The barmaids in question – who are all fully clothed (ugh).
Simply refuse to add a lemonade ‘top’ to a pint of lager – therefore meeting the definition of ‘topless barmaids’.
Some political commentators have noted that this sleight of hand is reminiscent of Starmer’s previously-used tactic of noisily making promises that appeal to the party base, only to jettison the policies shortly before it comes time to deliver.
- Increasing income tax for the top five per cent of earners
- Scrapping tuition fees
- Nationalisation of public services
- No new North Sea oil and gas
All these ‘promises’ turned out to be made of sand. It makes you wonder how Mrs Starmer reacts when Sir Kier calls home to say he’s ‘working late at the office.’
Public (house) ownership
Locals have quickly become accustomed to ‘The Labour Pub’s’ unique style of hospitality, which they describe as “refreshingly familiar.”
One cockney patron mused: “It reminds me of a girlfriend I once had—promises that sound great on paper, but in reality, you’re left with empty pockets and a head full of regrets.”
Only time will tell if the Labour Pub is a success. In the meantime, however, it stands as a living testament to the age-old saying: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me at the Labour Pub, and well, shame on me for believing it.” Cheers to that!