Blackpool Zoo is hiring human beings to deter nuisance seagulls from stealing food from visitors’ lunchboxes.
The quirky call-up is aimed at people who, despite loving seagulls, are quite happy to shout at, hit and kick them in order to protect the eating rights of humans.
Nut job
Other qualifications successful candidates should possess include:-
Not having a proper job
Willing to wear a stupid inflatable bird costume
Happy to work for minimum wage + unlimited birdseed
Willing to be chased, hit, and kicked by small children (without retaliating)
Ready to be disowned by your family
Not allergic to bird shit
No previous experience necessary
Mental illness a plus
Zoo boss, Caroline Frampton (28) told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “We love all animals at Blackpool Zoo – except seagulls. They are dirty, aggressive, noisy, and worst of all, ugly looking. No one at the zoo, including our visitors likes them. Unfortunately, animal rights laws prevent us from killing them, which is why we have had to think up another solution to protect our visitors.”
Twatting away a dive-bombing gull with her clipboard, former Rentokil Chief Executive, Frampton went on…
“We are looking for people with strong outgoing personalities to do this important work on behalf of the zoo. By ‘outgoing personality’, I mean someone who is loud, over-confident, with very little self-awareness and virtually zero self-esteem. In short… a moron.”
Think you’re up to the job? Contact: seagullsquad@blackpoolzoo.blackpool.zoo.blackpool.com
A seagull found dead after being shot in the head by an airgun in the Ribblesdale area of Carlton Colville, near Lowestoft, was not legendary Seagull 73, say Suffolk Police.
The bird was found dead on Monday, May 8 on the promenade by a little girl sucking on a lollipop. The pellet holes in its head indicate that the bird was caught in a triangulated crossfire between three assassins, much like President John F Kennedy, who was murdered in similar fashion near the grassy knoll in Dallas on 22nd November 1963.
Quite why the seagull was targeted is unsure but it is not believed to be connected with the bird’s policies on the invasion of Cuba or its secret negotiations with Russia’s president Nikita Krushchev.
Angry lone nut
When the shocking news of the murder first broke on Monday afternoon, some speculated that legendary local Seagull 73, Lowestoft Squadron, the most notorious gull in the area might have been the victim of a seagull gangland hit.
Seagull 73 Dominancy
The notorious 21-year-old Seagull 73 is the kingpin of the Lowestoft seagull underworld and has many enemies, any number of whom would like to see him dead. However, No 73 was later spotted near the Sandy Toes ice cream parlour, in a dust-up with two younger gulls over a half-eaten ice cream with one single remaining chopped nut, ruling him out as the victim, if not the perpetrator.
Anyone with information about the assassination is asked to contact the Central Intelligence Agency quoting crime reference JFKmkultra on 00(200) 0465902757356483 or email iknowwhoshotthepres@CIA.co.wedidit.USA.com
Casinos are often shrouded in myths and legends handed down through generations. These beliefs commonly involve notions that casinos always win or that certain games are rigged in the house’s favor. In this article, we’ll delve into some prevalent casino myths and legends, scrutinizing their veracity.
#1: The Infallible Casino
Many believe that casinos invariably triumph. Although casinos profit in the long run, they don’t win every bet. Players occasionally defy the house and secure substantial gains.
For instance, Don Johnson, a professional gambler, amassed over $15 million playing blackjack at three distinct Atlantic City casinos within six months in 2011. Utilizing a card-counting strategy, Johnson outwitted the house while negotiating advantageous rules with the casinos, further boosting his edge.
While such success stories are scarce, and most players lose over time, it’s crucial to remember that casinos don’t win every bet and that players can prevail.
#2: Rigged Slot Machines
A pervasive casino myth suggests that slot machines are rigged to underpay. Supposedly, casinos control spin outcomes to maximize profits.
In reality, government agencies rigorously regulate slot machines to ensure fairness and randomness. An independent lab-tested random number generator determines each spin’s outcome.
Although slot machines inherently favor the house, as with any casino game, lucky players can still win.
#3: Oxygen-Infused Casinos
A more outlandish myth claims that casinos pump oxygen into the air to maintain player wakefulness and prolong gambling sessions. Allegedly, extra oxygen heightens alertness and energy levels, enabling players to stay awake and play all night.
However, no evidence supports this myth. Although casinos frequently circulate fresh air through ventilation systems, there’s no reason to believe they supplement it with oxygen. Additionally, oxygen infusion would be costly and potentially hazardous, as high oxygen concentrations pose health risks.
#4: Foolproof Betting Systems
Many individuals trust that specific betting systems, like the Martingale system, can outsmart the house in games such as roulette and craps. By doubling one’s bet after each loss, proponents argue that eventual wins recoup losses and generate profit.
In truth, however, these betting systems fail. While they might yield short-term wins, long-term outcomes result in net losses, since each bet’s odds of winning remain constant, irrespective of previous outcomes.
#5: Hot and Cold Streaks
A prevalent belief among gamblers is the existence of “hot” and “cold” streaks, implying that a player or a machine can experience a series of wins or losses consecutively. Many players alter their betting strategies based on these perceived patterns.
In reality, each spin or game outcome is independent, unaffected by previous results. The notion of hot and cold streaks is rooted in human psychology’s tendency to perceive patterns, even when none exist. It’s crucial for players to understand that past performance doesn’t predict future outcomes.
#6: Casino Staff Manipulate Outcomes
Some players think that casino staff can alter game outcomes to the house’s advantage, whether it’s by controlling slot machine payouts or influencing roulette spins. This myth implies that casinos cheat to ensure their profits.
However, casinos are subject to strict regulations and external audits to guarantee fair play. Tampering with games would jeopardize their licenses and reputations. Casino profits stem from the built-in house edge, so there’s no need for manipulation.
#7: Counting Cards Is Illegal
Many people mistakenly believe that counting cards is illegal, possibly due to its portrayal in movies and television. Counting cards is a strategy employed by skilled blackjack players to track the ratio of high to low cards remaining in the deck.
Card counting is not illegal, as it merely involves using one’s mental abilities to gain an edge. However, casinos reserve the right to ask card counters to leave or refuse service, as they are a threat to the casino’s profits.
#8: Casino Layouts Are Designed to Confuse
Some players believe that casinos intentionally create confusing layouts to disorient patrons, making it difficult for them to leave and ultimately encouraging them to gamble more.
While casino layouts may appear intricate, they are primarily designed to create an engaging atmosphere that entices players to explore various gaming options. Signage and exits are clearly marked to comply with safety regulations, so disorientation is not the goal.
Conclusion
Dispelling the myths and legends surrounding casinos allows players to approach gambling with a clear mind, free from misconceptions that could negatively impact their experience. Understanding the true nature of casinos, their regulations, and the odds at play enables players to make informed decisions and enjoy the excitement responsibly.
Remember that casinos are regulated to ensure fairness, and their profits come from the inherent house edge. By maintaining realistic expectations, players can focus on the thrill of the games, knowing that the potential to win always exists alongside the risk of loss. With strategy and a touch of luck, the prospect of outsmarting the house and seizing victory remains alive.
iGaming is slowly becoming an even bigger industry than its traditional casino counterpart. As we enter deep into the digital age and become more reliant on technology, casinos shift their focus on bringing their business in that same form.Its newfound availability has also attracted a bigger audience for many reasons.
Customers are creating new accounts and enjoying online casino games more than ever, and some even come back regularly! All of this has become possible thanks to the smart business strategies the best online casinos in the market have adopted. Since the opening of the first online casino in 1994, businesses have had a lot of time to get it down right.
In this article, we’ll be taking a look at just what these smart business strategies are. Let’s see how iGaming websites are dominating the industry with the help of these strategies.
Customer Acquisition and Retention
The first priority of any business, not just an iGaming business, should be figuring out how to attract and retain its customers. Online casino businesses have managed to achieve this through targeted marketing.
Several forms of marketing come to mind, including social media marketing, TV marketing, billboard marketing, and more. What’s more, most casinos will entice players to sign up with the promise of bonuses and rewards.
These bonuses and rewards are also what keep players coming back. With the gamification of online casinos as well as loyalty rewards, it’s hard to imagine the iGaming business customer retention plan is bad.
Technology and Innovation
Technology is an ever-evolving industry, and iGaming businesses take full advantage of that. With the recent boom in AI technology and the public’s increased interest, we can be sure that online casinos will soon start providing AI services, too. And considering every iGaming business’s goal is to stay ahead of its competition, it won’t be long until that happens.
The use of virtual and augmented reality are also concepts that have been popping up more in the iGaming industry. The immersion and improved experience customers could get using this technology while indulging in a bit of pokey gameplay is too good of an opportunity to pass up.
Finally, technology and innovation have also helped online casinos become safer. With advanced security systems and even better payment systems, customers can rest easy knowing their data (and money) is safe with the online casino.
Data Analytics and Business Intelligence
Like in many other industries, iGaming businesses use data analytics and business intelligence to improve their business. This includes many different forms of data such as a player’s spending habits, game preferences, and game performance. They use all this data in an attempt to fully optimize and improve their operations.
Data analytics is the reason why players can get a personalized recommendation feed full of games they’ll surely love. It also helps them get a casino bonus tailored just for them.
This can also be used to help iGaming businesses discover better marketing strategies. For example, finding out the average age of their player base is a great help. Using this, an online casino can tailor their marketing campaign to that demographic and achieve higher success rates during marketing.
Risk Management and Compliance
Because iGaming businesses deal with sensitive information, they also must be held to a higher standard than in other industries. This means higher security measures and strict regulations for online casino websites. All this is an effort to protect the casino business and its customers from fraud and scams.
As a result, the websites will generally have strict verification procedures. These procedures help determine whether the customer is able to play on their website or if they’re a suspicious user. Considering countries such as the UK have imposed strict laws that forbid individuals under the age of 18 to gamble, it’s the business’s responsibility to make sure this law does not go unbroken.
They also have sophisticated security systems to make sure hackers and scammers don’t make their way onto the website. This protects both the business and its customer as it prevents personal information from leaking out.
iGaming businesses also have a duty to protect themselves from users looking to launder money on their websites. This is mainly for the business’s protection.
All this is possible through the business complying with local laws and regulations which make the whole ride go smoother.
Partnerships and Collaborations
Like in any other business, partnerships and collaborations are a big part of the iGaming industry. These businesses generally partner with different companies such as payment providers, software developers, and similar businesses.
Through these partnerships, online casinos are able to reach a wider audience. Not only that, but they’re also able to provide better services to their existing audience. For example, introducing a new payment method by partnering with a payment provider is sure to bring in new audiences that have been interested in the website but haven’t been able to join due to the limited payment options.
Conclusion
These smart business strategies have helped many iGaming companies get to where they are today and provide a better experience for their users.
Through conscious marketing efforts, adoption of new technology, using their data properly, and making partnerships that benefit their customers, these sites have managed to dominate the gaming industry in recent years.
Although there’s always something to learn from other industries, we can be sure that the iGaming industry is a formidable one that will help others think more consciously about their business strategies.
A poignant memorial bench for a departed wife, has been unveiled in the car park of the Harvester restaurant in Kesgrave, E.Suffolk.
Barbara Enright – ‘fat Babs’ to her mates – passed away last Thursday while she was at home with her husband, Des Enright, enjoying a TV dinner of suckling pig, dumplings, and gravy – with all the trimmings. Tragically, Babs died during an ad break in I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! as she turned to her husband and uttered the words, ‘get me some more…’ before choking on a dumpling – without finishing her final sentence.
Mr Enright desperately tried to save his wife’s purposeless life by repeatedly attempting the Heimlich maneuver (you try spelling those two words together) but was unsuccessful as he was unable to link his hands together around his wife’s enormous girth.
Still in shock
He told this reporter, ‘I’m still in shock. I can’t believe Carol Vorderman could fit something that big her mouth, let alone two at the same time! Oh, you mean about Babs? Oh, yeah, well it’s basically like you already reported. I thought it might happen some day. I was always telling her not to eat with her mouth full. Same goes for Vorders! Ha Ha!’
Asked what Fat Babs was like when she was alive, Des told me “Er?… well… she was kind of… er?…. well, she was awful when she was hungry – which was most of the time – but after a feed, she was pretty solid. She would wash my car for me if I asked her to.”
Ashes to ashes
Mr Enright decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside their local Harvester restaurant in memory of his wife. “I decided to have the inscribed bench installed outside our local Harvester in memory of the wife, because it was one of her favourite places. We used to stand outside the main entrance, and have a fag between courses. We smoked thousands of fags together on that exact spot so I thought it would be… you know… befitting.”
Reflecting on his wife’s timely death, a bleary-eyed Des (a recovering alcoholic) said, “I think it may have been all that standing up that killed her. It must have put a strain on her heart. If I’d have thought about putting in the bench sooner she might still be here with us. Oh well, too late now.”
Fat Babs is survived by Des (barely), two cats, and quite a few woodlice.
Before starting forex trading in the UK, it’s essential to understand some of the basics. The purpose of forex trading is to make a profit by exchanging one currency for another at an agreed-upon price. The value of a currency can fluctuate, so traders take advantage of these fluctuations by buying low and selling high.
Experienced traders often analyse signals which predict when these fluctuations are likely to happen. Not all signals are profitable; however, the best forex signals are coupled with proper risk management strategies to ensure that the loss is manageable when the signal goes south.
An overview of forex trading in the United Kingdom
Forex trading in the United Kingdom is popular among traders and investors. The UK has some of the most competitive fees and commissions for forex trading, making it an attractive destination for traders.
In addition, several regulatory bodies oversee forex trading in the UK, ensuring that all transactions run fairly and transparently.
The main currency pairs traded in the UK include GBP/USD (British Pound/US Dollar), EUR/GBP (Euro/British Pound) and USD/JPY (US Dollar/Japanese Yen). These three pairs account for around 80% of all forex trades conducted in the UK.
Are there any regulations that govern forex trading in the UK?
The Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) does, indeed, oversee foreign exchange (commonly noted as forex or FX) transactions in the United Kingdom. The FCA monitors and maintains a registry of all consumer-facing financial service providers.
The FCA mandates that any company providing foreign exchange trading services must be registered with the regulator and abide by its guidelines. Having sufficient financial reserves, keeping customer monies separate from business finances, being transparent with product and service details and treating consumers fairly are all important.
The forex strategies used by experienced traders
Professional traders in the UK use a wide range of methods while operating in the foreign exchange markets.
Swing trading is a common tactic in which equities are bought and sold repeatedly over a short time frame. Trading in this manner requires familiarity with technical analysis and chart patterns and the ability to recognise favourable entry and exit situations.
Expert traders also use a “trend following” method, which entails capitalising on the market’s long-term tendencies. Finally, arbitrage methods, whereby traders profit from price differences across marketplaces or exchanges, are an option for specific traders to consider.
In conclusion, remember that trading foreign exchange (Forex) involves a significant degree of risk, and as such, you must never risk more than you can afford to lose. Therefore, before trading, you should study the market and establish a solid trading plan.
In recognition of the dominance of chav culture across the county, Suffolk is to this week, officially change its motto from ‘Guide our endeavours’, to, ‘You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter’.
The controversial change, agreed last month by overpaid, out-of-touch, do-gooding Suffolk Councillors, has been met with dismay by many across the county, especially older people, and those who still maintain a modicum of pride in their appearance, or have a lingering respect for traditional British values.
Lack of basic hygiene
Although increasingly difficult to find these days, one person that fits that description is Lowestoft resident Thomas Crinch, County Chair of the campaign group Residents AGainst Everything (RAGE).
Crinch invited me to take a stroll through the town to highlight what he describes as ‘the interminable decline of standards of taste, good citizenship, and basic hygiene across the county, and country at large.’
“What really gets my gander up…” said a flushed Crinch as we passed a local sink housing estate, “is the lack of a sense of national pride. I mean, just look at those God-awful wheelie bins over thar. Chanel? Yves Saint Laurent? Gucci? Foreign ruddy muck.
In my day, we had good old-fashioned, unbranded, galvanized steel bins with removable lids and cold handles. Totally unmanageable design when it came to emptying them, what? Backbreakers. And they looked and stank awful, lining our front gardens and patios like decaying Daleks as they did, but I ask you, did anyone complain?”
“The bin men?”
“No! Not on your life, and why not? Because that was the way we did it. The British way! Yes, yes, yes, of course, the socialists complained. The ruddy unionized bin men complained, the commie buggers, they even went on strike over it, but the rest of us… the real great, English people of Great Britain never grumbled about it. NEVER! We didn’t falter when it came to overfilling our beautiful shiny bins, what? Now look at it. TRAITORS!”
Dad’s army
Our visit to the estate came to an abrupt end when one of a gang of hoodied youths yelled ‘Oi! Captain Mainwaring – ‘ave some chips!’ as he threw a half-finished bag towards us. I had to forcefully remove the beetroot-faced Mr Crinch as he directed a barrage of expletives toward the youngsters, waving his walking stick at them, and yelling out something about ‘Winston Churchill’s Tommy gun’.
UK manufacturer of cheap rag clothing, Shein, received a boost yesterday when the Queen of Los Angeles, Meghan Windsor, wore one of its off-the-peg dresses on a visit to Tonga with her husband, whatsisname.
The endorsement only came to light after the Queen alighted her golden jet and stepped onto the red carpet, which was reportedly woven from the hair of poor Tonganese street children who were forcibly shorn in order to make Meghan’s walk to her hotel more comfortable.
Unbeknownst to her majesty, the cheap frock’s price tag (£16.99) was seen dangling from the hem by the welcoming party who were all too embarrassed to mention it.
The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe
The Shein brand, which is known mainly for producing shittily-made, copy-cat garments manufactured by blind peasants working for rice in Chinese sweatshops, is seen as a surprise addition to Queen Meghan’s wardrobe which is predominantly filled with posh, designer togs (some of which feature a Lion Crest design) befitting of her semi-royal status and air of haughty superiority.
Toga Tag
Quite how the fashion faux pas was allowed to happen is unclear but one royal insider with knowledge of the events told this reporter that a servant of the Queen was ordered to remove her hand luggage from the aeroplane before being escorted from the airport with her arm bent up behind her back. The witness also claims that Windsor had ‘made the servants cry’ on previous occasions when deliveries of other Shein garments she had ordered arrived late at her Montecito, California palace.
A spokesperson for Shein told the SUFFOLK GAZETTE, “I’m afraid that due to a court order slapped on us by the Windsors, I am not allowed to comment, but if you are asking me if Meghan looks good in that dress, the answer is, ‘you betcha!’”
