Tuesday, April 2, 2024

Pig farmer sues neighbour for NOT shagging his wife

Pig farmer sues neighbour for NOT shagging his wife

SUFFOLK, UK – Local pig farmer, Brian Softwood has taken his neighbour to court over an unusual contract gone wrong.

By Ian Bred, Norfolk Correspondent

Pig farmer – Softwood allegedly paid David Cheesecock to impregnate his wife in an effort to expand the family business.

Knife and pork

According to court documents, the ‘Pork Pact’ stipulated that Cheesecock, a plastic cutlery salesman, would fertilize Mrs. Softwood’s ovum for £150 and a year’s supply of streaky bacon. Softwood, a man with a pork empire to uphold but a low sperm count to contend with, believed that Cheesecock’s spermicular prowess might hold the key to a bountiful harvest of little Softwood piglets.

However, the legal battle unfolded when Softwood claimed that Cheesecock failed to ‘uphold his end’ of the bargain after a whopping 72 attempts. In a statement outside the courthouse, Softwood exclaimed, “I hired him in good faith, but he couldn’t manage to sow the seeds properly. My pigs have a better success rate.”

Pig of a woman

Cheesecock, in his defense, argued that despite trying his best, the sound of pigs grunting in the background when he was attempting to fulfill the contract, was a distraction. He also claimed that Softwood’s wife’s appearance was also an impediment to him keeping his end up. “Have you seen Pamela Softwood?” Cheesecock asked presiding Judge, Chief Justice Sir Montague Bollock-Shearman-Thrice Q.C., adding, “I think she’s been living amongst the farm animals for too long.”

Mr Cheesecock is refusing to make any further attempts at impregnating Mrs Softwood, while Mr Softwood gave up years ago.

Legal experts speculate that the court may have a pigsty of a time untangling the contractual complexities of this farmyard brouhaha.

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